50 Questions

* Stolen from Catch Her In The Wry

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

Aaaaaaah shit.

2. How much cash do you have on you?

I'm not even wearing pants, let alone carrying cash.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?

Score (I'm watching porn)

4. Favorite planet?


5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?

Kevin Bacon ... was in the original Friday the 13th??? Who knew???

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?

1940s classic telephone bell

7. What shirt are you wearing?

No shirt, no pants, I'm blogging commando

8. Do you label yourself?

Yes, I have a label on myself that says "Cherokee - made in USA"

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?

God's 10 Toes

10. Bright or Dark Room?

The walls are nearly white and the lights overhead are long fluorescent tubes. It's almost blinding.

11. Did you do anything to celebrate John Lennon's 70th yesterday?

Sure, I listened to some Rolling Stones and said to myself "At least Mick never hooked up with a total douche like Yoko."

12. What does your watch look like?

It looks like a more expensive watch that I saw, only it isn't. My grandad the allegedly Jewish jeweler would probably be ashamed of me for that. Or else he'd appreciate me for being smart enough not to pay out the ass for a stupid fucking watch. I never really knew him well.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Unpacking from the drive back to town and trying to get ready for bed.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?

"You fought as a capo with Sex Kitten"

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?

I don't even know if we have any 7-11s around here anymore. We have Circle Cs and Mapcos and places like that, but I think 7-11 is pretty much gone.

16. What’s a word that you say a lot?

Vagina - as in, Senator Harry Reid needs to man up 'cause he's a huge fucking vagina

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'm gonna eat some worms

18. Last furry thing you touched?

My penis. I guess I should trim that sucker, but I've been busy and he hasn't.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?

Do ginger pills count as doing drugs? If so, then one.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?

I've probably got at least one, but it'd be several years old and might not be any good anymore.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?

17 - I distinctly remember being 17 and listening to Foreigner singing "Seventeen" and being fully aware that it was a great age to be.

22. Your worst enemy?

We haven't met yet, but if we ever do it'll be the first and last time.

23. What is your current desktop picture (extra points if you post it.)?

It's called "Bliss" and the stupid search function can't fucking find it. I can't be bothered to do it the hard way. Fuck Windows.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?

Fuck you if you can't use a blinker, you poor bastard who can't afford a Jeep that has functioning turn signals. Yes, I see you looking at me in your rearview mirror, you cunt.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?

A million bucks ain't shit in American dollars now, thanks to Obama. I'll take flying and use it to rob rich politicians like Harry Reid and escape by flying away like Superman.

26. Do you like someone?

No, I hate everyone. I'm a fuckin' troll under a bridge chasing billy goats is what I am.

27. The last song you listened to?

28. What time of day were you born?

6 or 7 am on the dot. I know this because my mom was pissed that I woke her up so early and she let me know it for years and years afterwards.

29. What’s your favorite number?

30. Where did you live in 1987?


31. Are you jealous of anyone?

I'm jealous of my niece and nephew for being born with perfect abs.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?

I wouldn't think so, but I'm always surprised by the truly shitty people who stab me in the back over some petty jealousy I never expected.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?

In Memphis walking into work and thinking to myself, "this is going to be a shitty day."

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?

If no one else is around I practice my spinning side kick.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?

Kind of a dork, yes.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?

I'd have the word "Oklahoma" tattooed on my penis. It'd just say "Ok" if I wasn't in the mood.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?

I'd be fluent in bullshit. Look how far it has gotten President Obama.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?

I already did. She wanted a house and I was happy with our apartment with swimming pool and weight room. We ended up in the heart of Redneckville hell. But we had a house.

39. Are you touchy feely?

I'm more grouchy steely with a splash of lemon-flavored vodka.

40. What’s your life motto?

No one gets out alive anyway so let's do this bitch.

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?

Scars, handgun and well-earned cynicism

42. What’s your favourite town/city?

I don't know yet. I'll let you know when I find it.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?

Stamp for a letter to God

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?

Yesterday, I wrote a letter to God and had to pay cash for the stamp to mail it. I thought I just told you this.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?

Yes, and don't think this means you can show up at my house and expect me to do it for you, either. I have 6 cars of my own to keep up with.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?

She has kids

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?

Great-great grandad was a Cherokee and he killed somebody in a dispute over land. Grandma's ancestors were married into Thomas Jefferson's family and had apparently been rich at one time. To go back beyond that you'd have to talk to my sister. She's the genealogy buff among us.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?

Dress fancy? I dressed up as Captain Morgan for Halloween last year. Is that fancy enough? My sword was real and fancy, too. Bonus! After that there was my beautiful niece's artsy-fartsy, ice-cold January wedding which I videoed and still can't get the damn computer to burn to DVD so I can give it to her. I guess I was dressed fancy for that, too, although not as Captain Morgan. That might've been weird.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?

My heart, mostly. Sometimes the prettiest faces hide the ugliest people.

50. Have you been burned by love?

A few times I've ended up pretty sore. I guess you could say it was like a rug burn.

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