1. Alcohol - take it to work with you. Hide it if you have to. And always remember this rule of thumb: the stronger the drinks, the less your job stinks.
2. Office Bullies, fuck with them - every workplace has at least one sociopath running around trying to push all the other employees around. If it's a man, he usually likes to use physical intimidation, like throwing coins at coworkers and then pretending he didn't really mean to hit them in the face. "oh sorry." Yeah sure, dickhead. If it's a woman, she'll invariably use the phrase "I order you" followed by some ridiculous statement that has nothing to do with your job, or even more frustrating, is something you were already in the process of doing anyway. And more often than not, this bitch isn't even your boss. Whatever the case, never let a good office bully go unpunished. Slash their tires, pour hot pepper sauce in their coffee, increase the time their popcorn cooks in the microwave by about 10 minutes, infect their computer with a virus, spread nasty rumors about them having sex with children, spread nasty rumors about their children, call their spouse and give them an anonymous tip that she's having an affair with the guy who hit you in the face with a quarter and then said "oh sorry." Be creative. But most important of all, have fun!
3. Schedule "mental health" days - This could mean either going outside to sit in the sun in a lawnchair, listen to your favorite music, and scream "I hate my fucking life" at the top of your lungs for a day, or it could mean going to a bar and just sitting and getting drunk while watching sports on TV. Whatever makes you feel free and easy for awhile and lets you forget about the stresses at work. If there's a beach nearby (you lucky shit) go there and sit in the sun and look at girls titties all day.
4. Deal with your health issues - If your job has driven you to depression it is important to remember that alcohol makes depression worse. But vodka doesn't. Vodka makes everything funny as shit. So skip the weepy old six-pack of beer and reach for a bottle of good old Russian vodka. If it was good enough to help people survive the worst country in the world, it's good enough to help you survive your lousy job. "Я люблю проституток и водочки!"
5. Know yourself and your personality - fun people are drained if they are forced to be around really lame people for too long. If you are a fun person and all your coworkers are in IT or Accounting then of course they're going to suck the life out of you. If you're a lame person and you work with some party animal hot young slut, she's going to make you insane with all her stories about the sex and the drinking and the fun she's having that you never had. Knowing this about yourself can help you to cope. Get away for periodic breaks. Take up smoking as an excuse to step outside and talk shit about all your coworkers with the other smokers. You know that's what they're doing out there. That's why they find it so hard to give up smoking. It's not the nicotine. It's all the shit-talking along with the knowledge that anyone who isn't out there smoking with them is being talked about. Go get you some cigarettes and learn to smoke. It'll do you good.
Smoking - it's good for you
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Brendan Fraser was on The Craig Ferguson Show the other night promoting his latest "family movie" entitled "Furry Vengeance"
I had seen several ads for the movie, all carefully selected for their cleanliness and apparent wholesomeness. Ah, a movie about a man who moves to the woods with his family and fights with the animals there. It's a very 'green' movie. What could possibly be nasty about this?
I could tell right away that there was something about this whole thing that stunk when Brendan Fraser came out onstage and sat down. Craig Ferguson leaned away from him, which he doesn't normally do, and let Brendan go on about his movie. Then he showed a clip. In the clip, Brendan Fraser is on the roof of his house standing at the peak with one foot on either side. His feet slip out from under him and he crushes his balls. Then he falls off the roof. Its about as funny as seeing a baby get run over by a car. Even Brendan didn't laugh while watching his own movie clip.
Craig then asked Brendan in a distinctly unenthusiastic tone of voice, "So, is there a lot of that sort of thing in your new family movie?"
Brendan blushed and looked at his feet and said, "yeah, I get attacked between the pockets a lot throughout the movie. A raccoon even bites me there a couple of times."
Craig then asked him, "so you have two sons. Are you going to take them to see this movie?"
Without missing a beat, Brendan Fraser blurted out, "no way." And then he blushed again and developed a distinctly "oh shit, what did I just say" look on his face.
Yeah, see, all this imagery of a man being castrated and sexually assaulted by animals is fine for your kids to watch and laugh at and then imitate, because we all know they imitate this shit when they are constantly encouraged to by movies and television. And that's fine. For YOUR kids. But there's no way in hell Brendan Fraser is going to take his own two sons to see this shit, only to come home and hurt each other like that, and hurt Brendan like that, and possibly get seriously injured because of how unlike the movies real life and real testicles are.
Brendan is the cunt of the month because he knows exactly what he's doing and why it's wrong, but he did it anyway.
Brendan is the cunt of the month because he and others like him are responsible for what is happening all across this country to boys like Jake Arend, who endured 6 agonizing years of daily sexual assaults exactly like the sort that Brendan makes light of in his new "family" movie, which is fine for your family, but not his.
Fifteen years ago, the Boy Scouts of America noticed that the boys in the Scouts were increasingly being sexually abused at school. The Scouts weren't sure what was going on or why, so they hired Dr. David Finkelhor at the University of New Hampshire to research the issue. Dr Finkelhor and his team found that 1 of every 9 boys surveyed between the ages of 10 and 16 had been sexually assaulted in this manner just within the previous 12 month period, with half assaulted by girls and the rest assaulted mostly by older, bigger boys whom they couldn't easily defend themselves against anyway. And most of the victims had been assaulted multiple times, as if being a victim once somehow marked the boys as easy targets and increased their odds of being victimized repeatedly. This finding surprised him and his researchers, but not as much as what else they found.
Dr. Finkelhor
Dr. Finkelhor is an expert on sexual abuse, but has never paid much attention to male victims. Male victims rarely ever talk about the abuse they suffered. But then again, they are rarely ever asked about it. Nevertheless, while talking to the boys, he and his staff followed up their list of questions with routine questions about what, if any psychological consequences the boys had suffered. He asked the boys the same questions asked of girls who have been molested or even violently raped.
And he got the same answers.
Yes, many of the boys suffered from severe and long-lasting depression. Yes, they often had nightmares about the attacks. Yes, they often had flashbacks relating to the assaults, interfering with their concentration at school, in sports, even at home while watching TV. And yes, many of the boys even experienced panic attacks as a result of the abuse they suffered, which movie makers and actors like Brendan Fraser call 'family comedy.'
And no, they had never told their parents or anyone else about what had been done to them. They didn't like talking about it. And anyway, no one had ever asked before.
Dr. Finkelhor published his findings and warned that the results of the study were dramatically worse than even he had expected, despite his vast experience in working with victims of sexual abuse and general abuse. No one had ever studied this particular kind of abuse before. It had always been treated as a non-issue, but it had also never before been such a common occurrence before, all of which changed after the new owners of the Walt Disney Corporation began mandating that at least one scene depicting genital assault of a white male be included in every single movie they produced.
M-I-C-A-S-T-R-A-T-E!
Other movie companies slowly began to follow suit. When the FCC refused to acknowledge that genital assault is indecent, it became a staple of Professional Wrestling, with depictions of muscular women dragging men around the wrestling ring by their balls a new and common feature for the kids to enjoy and imitate.
This was 1995 and things were just getting started when Dr. Finkelhor warned that the glorification of genital assault of males in movies and television must stop or this epidemic would surely grow worse.
Now we're in 2010 and a reporter in Indiana is reporting about young boys being rushed into emergency surgery to remove their ruptured testicles. He's finding that nearly every boy in our schools has been sexually abused. In the last 12 months we've had at least 2 movies featuring men being Tasered in the testicles, which to be fair the police are actually doing in real life since no one will stand up and say that it is indecent as well as sexual torture, with many men left permanently impotent and incontinent as a result, which means no sex or children and adult diapers for the rest of their lives. Ha ha - How funny is that?
And now, not to be outdone, we have Brendan Fraser and all the other cunts who made this movie trying to top a point-blank Taser shot to the testicles with a raccoon biting off a man's balls while his wife and children watch and make funny faces.
And while I'm awarding the Cunt of the Month honor to Mister Fraser, I want to also give a Cunt award to Mr. Ken Jeong, who has the distinction of not only appearing in this "Furry Vengeance" family ball-busting film for kids, but also appearing in a genital torture comedy just a few months ago, "The Hangover", in which he leaped naked from the trunk of a car and ran around with his own balls flopping around, which I'll admit took some serious guts to do. Or a lot of heavy drugs. One or the other.
Ken Jeong - showed his balls
Congrats, Mr. Jeong, on appearing in not just one, but two such films in such a short span of time. You truly don't care what you play in, just so long as you get that paycheck.
Fun for the whole family
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So, it's Monday again. I had something I wanted to post today, but it isn't quite ready and I still need to tweak a few things for legal reasons. It's actually been not quite ready for weeks. I'm just busy lately so it keeps sitting there in the Drafts folder waiting for me.
My wrist is killing me today. Typing is a major challenge because of it. I have no idea what I did to cause it to hurt, either. I mowed the giant field we call a yard yesterday, but I have a riding mower, so it isn't as if I was out there flinging around a pushmower with my hands or something. I think the most strenuous thing I did besides mowing was either washing the dishes or scrubbing the toilets. Neither of those sounds like a wrist breaker to me and I don't recall injuring it doing anything else. Apparently this is what my body does now. It just picks a day and a bodypart and starts hurting for no apparent reason. Oh sure, I severely damaged my wrist once back in high school and it gave me endless pain and problems for years after, but it was the other wrist, not this one. So I'm truly baffled.
I read the news today ... oh boy ... sorry, I always hear those words in my head every time I say I read the news today. Yes, I realize that I don't have to actually say everything that crosses my mind, but as this is my blog I think I can do that. Just try and stop me.
Homey can't touch this
So, the news today. It seems that Iceland is having its revenge on the rest of the world. It is spewing volcanic ash up so high that travelers in Europe can't leave. There is more to this story and I'm sure I should be reading it more closely, but I can't help but wonder how this is going to affect all those countries who signed the Kyoto treaty? You know, volcanoes like this one produce more 'greenhouse gas' than Al Gore, Michael Moore and Barack Obama's world traveling private jets combined. In fact, all the man-made greenhouse bullshit of the last 100 years can't even approach the levels produced by a volcano like this. It's almost as if God, who the greenhouse 'believers' don't believe in, is reminding us of just how insignificant we really are. We truly seem to have forgotten and begun thinking of ourselves as gods who control this planet we're on.
There is a poll in the news today which says 4 out of 5 Americans don't trust Washington. The author of the article seems to find this shocking. I don't find it shocking. I find it shocking that 1 in 5 Americans DO trust Washington. What the hell is wrong with those people??
Yahoo! has apparently decided that it needs to compete with women's magazines so they're releasing a new list of Dos and Don'ts for women every single day. Some of them are pretending to be lists for men, too, but when you read them it quickly becomes obvious who the lists are really intended for. Today's list is:
8 Dating Mistakes that even Smart Women make
I note that this is clearly an American audience they're targeting. I know this because they feel the need to stroke the female audience's egos even as they're pointing out to them they they have fucked up. Oh, you're a total disaster at dating, but you're still a smart woman! Yeah, whatever.
Mistake #1 Being Too Available - in other words, being a doormat, kind of like me. Not only are you ready to go any time, day or night, but you might even be a little stalkerish, camping out on his doorstep just in case he wants to see you again and can't wait 15 minutes for you to drive over. Hey, as a bonus, his doorstep is rent-free!
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?
Dating Mistake #2 Trying to Rehabilitate a Bad Boy - like Sandra Bullock, who married Jesse James knowing full well that he slept with every stripper he ever met and even had kids with a few. Hey, all those tattoos and motorcycles were really sexy and exciting. And Sandra was never exactly the nice girl America liked to pretend she was anyway, so who was really surprised when it came out that despite his marriage to Sandra, Jesse was, drumroll please, also sleeping with several strippers? There's an old joke, and it's funny because it's true, but it goes like this: women marry men thinking they're going to change them. Men marry women thinking they're never going to change. They're both wrong.
Dating Mistake #3 Looking for Perfection - you're a total bitch, yet you expect him to be Mr. Perfect, with washboard, surfer abs and a bank account like a movie star. Any little flaw in him and you feel empowered by pointing it out, yet you are a trainwreck yourself and can't stand even the slightest criticisms. The problem isn't him, honey. It's you.
Dating Mistake #4 Feeling Sorry for Yourself - apparently you were alone for so long that you fell into a pattern of depression. Now that you've found someone to love and get naked with you're still falling backwards into that familiar pattern. Meanwhile, he's wondering what the hell the problem is and beginning to doubt himself because of your constant unhappiness. A sure way to wreck this relationship is to continue letting this depression ruin it. Get drunk, get naked, get laid and get over it.
Dating Mistake #5 Knowing His Thread-Count Before You Know His Phone Number - You've been alone for awhile and you're really horny. So you jumped at the chance to jump on his penis and get some O-time. Fine. But don't be surprised if that guy expects things to continue like that and never sees you as a serious girlfriend. You've set the pattern and it's a booty-call relationship all the way. If you don't want it to be that way, don't introduce yourself to his penis first before you ask his name.
Dating Mistake #6 Being Too Selfish in Your Relationship - yeah, see here's the thing, Mr. Right is looking for Miss Right. That means if you find the perfect mate and you want him to be yours, you've got to be the perfect mate right back. He may have a nice house, nice car, perfect body and his own successful business, but what have you got to exchange for all of that? A blow-job just isn't enough. He can get that from any stripper. You've got to be the anti-Lorena Bobbitt, a woman he can trust with his secrets and his money, love with all his heart without being taken for granted, and sleep next to without worrying that one night he might wake up to find you holding a knife in one hand and his bleeding, severed genitals in the other.
Dating Mistake #7 Believing in The One - Remember the movie "Serendipity" where Kate Beckinsale's character says that if fate intends for them to be together then it will happen? Yeah, that's some crazy shit. Even in the movie they wasted years apart when they could have been together all that time. There is no fate. Even worse than relying on fate is the fairy tale belief that for every one woman there is just this one perfect man out there and if you don't find him then you'll never be happy. The happiest couples are made up of two healthy individuals who are relatively stable and happy apart from one another, just as much as they are together. If you believe in the idea that there is only one man for you and you must find him, or worse, be 'rescued' by him finding you, then you are setting yourself up for a miserable, unhappy and probably lonely life ahead.
Dating Mistake #8 Forgetting Your Manners - In this day and overly-politicized age of "strong independent women" it has become fashionable for women to be rude, selfish and narcissistic. Guess what? Men hate that shit. Keep in mind that the vast majority of books written for women to tell you how to treat men are written by man-hating lesbians who don't know anything about men other than how to abuse them and drive them away. The rest are written by gay men using women's names. Forget everything you've read in any books or articles (like this one) and throw it away. Then think about what sort of person you aren't willing to put up with in a relationship. Chances are that person is rude, selfish and narcissistic. In other words, a strong, independent dickhead. Right, so don't be that way or you'll wind up alone and bitter like all the other strong independent cunts. We all need each other to some extent. I'm not saying be a needy person. But if you're so into yourself that you can't even be decent to someone you want to love and be loved by then you're fucked up.
Don't be fucked up
OK, so there you go. There's my Monday. Thank God I'm here to give you this fabulous advice, eh? Where would you be without it?
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I'm sitting here in my office with one shoe on and one shoe off, scratching my head because Spring changes do funky things to my scalp, while reading an email. This mysterious email person is telling me "you used to be funny, but now you're just angry and bitter and unhappy. And you criticize women too much and say 'cunt' which I don't like. I think that word demeans women."
I'd love to brush this off, but she's about the fourth person to say this. True, it might help if I recognized the email address so I knew who she is, but it doesn't make that much difference. Kitty said it. Sssshe-who-should-not-be-named said it. Wanderlusting Karina said something sort of similar once. I'm trying to think who else has said it but my brain won't work.
To quote the always hot Linda from the TV show Becker, here's the thing, many of those same people had also criticized me awhile back for saying I was unhappy about certain things that are going on, but not doing much about them. Well, now I'm doing something about them. And in order to do something about them I must face them and confront them. Consequently, they are on my mind a lot. What is on my mind is going to affect my blog, obviously. The only realistic alternative is that I can close my eyes and go back to doing nothing, only now I do nothing while ignoring the constant waves of attacks that keep hitting me and others like me.
Perhaps I would be funnier if I shut my eyes and closed my mouth? I do recall that some of the best posts I ever wrote were written during a time when I was feeling completely numb to the world and just fed up with caring. I know it wasn't a healthy time for me, but I did write better stuff. I was as detached as if I were on drugs or mentally ill, neither of which is a good way to be. But it enabled me to be funny.
Ellen Degeneres has always made me laugh. When I look at her routines I notice that I never see anything controversial. I may be out of touch since I haven't watched her do stand-up lately, but I never saw her do an act where she talked about being a lesbian, or any of the issues you would associate with that, or bashed men, or even talked about just generally controversial issues of any kind. She made jokes about her mother, mostly. And they were always funny. I like Ellen. She cracks me up and never makes me feel insulted or attacked. I don't care who she sleeps with (Portia is hot, by the way) and I don't care who she votes for because she never makes it an issue.
I don't know if I can be like Ellen. I suppose if I could then I might actually get paid for this crap that I write. I mean, funny is worth some money, you know? If I were really all THAT funny then I could get paid to put the crap in my mind down on paper, or e-paper or whatever you want to call it.
Several times over the past 2 years I had mentioned feeling like I needed to just shut down my blog. That's about how long some people have been complaining that they don't like me anymore. I used to get ideas in my head and race to the computer to write them out before they escaped and disappeared into nothingness. But these days I don't feel that. I don't wake up in the middle of the night with an idea that I think is just soooo funny and a compulsion to write it down. I don't see people in traffic and feel the urge to take their photo because they are such a selfish ass and I want to post their photo and story on the internet for the world to see. Oh, just the other day a stupid selfish bitch in a Volvo did the most insane and idiotic thing to me, and I nearly hit her as I held down the horn on the steering wheel, which she either ignored or couldn't hear because she was so old. But it didn't even cross my mind to write about it. My blog didn't flicker in my thoughts for even a brief instant.
I don't know what I'm trying to say here. And maybe that's half the problem? Every time I go to shut down I catch it from both sides, with people who like me saying they don't want me to go, and people who used to like (tolerate) me but don't anymore saying they don't want me making them feel bad because I shut down after they told me how much they dislike me.
The worst part is that I actually thought I was doing better. I honestly thought I had done a decent job the past few weeks. But apparently not. Sometimes there is just no pleasing people. Once someone decides they don't like you anymore, at least with some people, you are just never going to win them back over again. Or maybe it's not that at all. Maybe its all me.
One odd side-effect of all of this blog-related drama is that I don't know if I want to go to Australia anymore. It makes no sense, I know, but it's how I feel. I feel like that whole dream suddenly has a giant dent in it and I can't smooth it out. Now before you go off saying "oh, you just wanted to go because of one person," I'm telling you, that's not so. I've wanted to go since I was a kid. I just never thought it was realistic to think that I could. And then I encountered several Aussies on the internet and I liked them, so the dream revived and then some. But lately I feel, I don't know, I don't seem to have a dream anymore or else I don't know what it is. I just want to wander and not talk to anyone and be left alone to see the sights like a regular tourist. I feel wounded, I guess. Yeah, I'll catch shit for saying that, I know, but it's how I feel and this is my damn blog and if I can't say it here then where can I say it?
Let me see if I can explain it to you from my point-of-view. Imagine you have this big group of new friends. Maybe you don't know them well enough to call them friends, but you really like them and they seem cool. Now say they are having a big party and you are invited. It's a big group of people, some of whom you have talked to quite a lot and really, really like, and some you have talked to less and like, but don't know as well.
Now, the day before the party you get a call from one of your absolute favorite new friends, and she says to you, "I heard you were coming to the party tomorrow night. I want to make one thing clear. I don't like you and I don't want you talking to me. In fact, most of my friends don't like you either and they don't want you bothering any of us, so just you steer clear of us when you see us. Understand? We don't want anything to do with you. You go hang out with everyone else, but fuck off otherwise."
Now how do you feel about that party? Are you still excited about going?
Yeah, well that's how I feel. So, lately I've noticed a bit of a, hmmm, how can I say this, an edge to my personality. That is to say, I've been really fed up with just about everything. Also, I've been screaming at my computer more than usual. It seems that the more 'patches' they forcibly upload to my PC at the office, the slower it runs. And slow running computers really piss me off. Today my computer was so slow that I actually shouted "for God's sake, get me a pencil and paper so I can do it the old-fashioned way!"
Yes, I really said that. Loudly. Sprinkled with some creative curse words, one of which certain female bloggers keep emailing me to tell me is derogatory to women even when it's my computer I'm shouting it at.
The biggest problem with what I shouted is that I'm not really sure if there ever was a time when my line of work was done "the old fashioned way" with a pencil and paper. At some point they clearly had to actually get on a computer. But that is beside the point. The main point is that I'm pissed off and it doesn't seem to be abating. At all.
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So, I'm on the computer and the TV is on. They're running a fucking stupid ad for something relating to a medical condition they call "low T." OK, what the fuck? What idiot wrote this fucking stupid ad? Low T? Is the word TESTOSTERONE considered obscene and unspeakable now or what? What is with all these fucking television ads abbreviating every conceivable medical condition and then just assuming we care enough to decipher their screaming loud commercial message? Fuck them and their "low T" ad. They could be talking about low hanging titties for all we know. They aren't, but eventually they probably will be.
Low T
Newsweek, the left-wing feminist bastion of worthless shit and drivel, is trying to obscure the very politically incorrect fact that all the sex abusers inside the Catholic Church were, in fact, homosexuals. The priests molested boys and the nuns molested girls. That's not a bash on gays in general. It's simply the facts of what happened inside the Catholic church. But in order to cover over this "inconvenient truth," guess what Newsweek is doing? They're claiming that the number of child molesting priests is no worse than the number of men in general out in regular society running around raping women. They claim 1 in 5 men are rapists (where have we heard this bullshit before?) Of course, no mention whatever is made of the women sex abusers because their very existence interferes with Newsweek's 'gender lens.' Newsweek is pretending the girl-raping nuns don't exist and hoping no one will notice. Their whole article is arguing the premise that all men are rapists and that's all they are. Not only that, but apparently all these raping men are out looking for young boys like Edward Cullen to rape instead of girls or women. At least, that's the conclusion their article leads to, even if they don't seem to realize it. Because they're a bunch of stupid male-bashing cunts.
Pat Wingert male-bashing cunt with an "eat shit" smile
By the way, not coincidentally, the author of this male-bashing wad of lesbian butt juice is Pat Wingert, an alleged journalist who specializes in writing feminist articles, most of which don't include males at all. Judging from her dramatic hostility towards and complete misunderstanding of males, I'd say it'd be best if she stuck to writing articles that have absolutely nothing to do with men or boys and simply leaves us out of things altogether. Asking a feminist to write about men is like asking a Nazi to write about Jews. It can't lead to anything good or useful.
Yahoo is totally fucking up today. Actually it has been all week. They have my profile information all wrong and I'm trying to edit it to make it right. For the past week, at least, any attempt to change any of my data and save my changes results in a "servers are taking a break" error. Taking a break? What? They're fucking machines! They don't take breaks. Are they turned off? Are they disconnected? What the fuck? It's been a week! Do servers at Yahoo get vacation time or something? What does a server do on its break exactly? Does it go outside and smoke a cigarette? Maybe it goes looking for the administrative assistant's PC and tries to chat her up and get a little computer sex on the side? With a whole week off I guess the servers could all be vacationing down in Florida. I can just see it now, a big Sun Microsystems box sitting in the sand covered in sunscreen, with a beer in its CD tray. I'll bet that cooling fan is working double overtime, too.
OK, let me get this straight, all across America for the past 30 years there has been an explosion of sexual assaults targeting male students, fully documented time and again and even reported in the news, with not a single thing being done and not a single arrest or prosecution of any sex offenders because of it. Yet a boy tells another boy to back off by scratching him with a pencil and he is being charged with felony attempted assault and misdemeanor criminal possession of a weapon??? Are you fucking kidding me??? If ever there were a reason to lose all faith in our police and our justice system, this would certain be a part of it.
The Supreme Court's oldest living Leftist and most ardent fan of Che Guavera, John Paul George Ringo Stevens, has turned to dust and retired, leaving open yet another Supreme Court appointment for Great Leader Barack Chavez Obama to fill with, presumably, a lesbian feminazi cunt or else a fat union leader from Chicago. The feminazis received a pay-off with Sonya Sotomayor, so there is speculation that this second appointment may go to the communist labor unions. My coworkers and I are currently placing bets on whether this new judge will be a black lesbian feminist, another hispanic lesbian feminist, a Jewish lesbian feminist, or a Chicago-area labor organizer/mafioso in a shiny suit. One joker put $5 on the possibility of Obama picking a heterosexual white male with no ties to Marxism or the unions. That's money down the toilet, dude. I'll gladly take that bet.
Iran has expressed its opinion of the new Obama regime in the United States by openly deploying new super centrifuges capable of creating more and better nuclear weapons than before. Obama's "sanctions without engagement" policy towards aggressive dictators has thus far succeeded only in giving Iran what it has always wanted - nuclear capabilities. Obama's popularity rating in Iran is, not coincidentally, much higher than it is in the United States, where it hovers down around the level of American bad-boy Jesse James following his admission that he has been cheating on Sandra Bullock.
American President Barack "Yo Momma" Obama has signed a nuclear disarmament treaty with Russia which declares that any attempt by the Americans to build a shield against nuclear attack grants permission to Russia to launch a nuclear attack. Russia for many years has whined like a bully without a brick about America's nuclear missile defense system, complaining loudly that it prevents Russia from nuking the Americans whenever it pleases. Previous American Presidents have responded by simply telling Russia to "get over it." But feminist bad-boy Barrack Obama was having none of that. He, in typical Obama fashion, apologized to Russia for all the stress our missile shield has caused their generals and signed a treaty guaranteeing that the shield and all American defenses would be taken down. Former President Jimmy "killer rabbit" Carter stated that he was very, very proud of his long-lost bastard son and current American President Barack Obama, as he packed up his things in preparation for moving to Canada.
So, I guess that's it. I'm exhausted and I have a lot of work to do. Have a nice weekend, ya'll.
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By the way, did anyone else notice that Google totally ignored Easter? It changes its logo for every tiny fucking obscure event, but not Easter. For Easter it did nothing. It ignored it altogether.
And fuck Google for that, too.
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