January 2 - Jett Travolta (Age 16), son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston, dies from a fatal blow to the head after a seizure.
January 14 - Ricardo Montalban (Age 88), former host of TV show Fantasy Island, along with sidekick, Tattoo, dies from terminal old age.
January 20 - Barack Obama is inaugurated as America's first half-white, half-black president after having served 4 years in the United States Senate where he did absolutely not one single thing. Immediately following Obama's inauguration, he is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize (establishing forever that it means absolutely nothing), a new presidential speech is on TV every single night for months, GM and Chrysler are nationalized, 450 new Russian 'czars' are appointed by the White House, a fleet of Russian attack subs park in American waters just off the East Coast, and Illinois governor Rod Blagojavich is indicted for corruption and begins threatening to tell all he knows about Mr. Obama and his right-hand assassin, Rahm Emmanuel. New president Obama, who in 2008 did a great job of slapping candidate Hillary Clinton around and hitting as low as possible, offers her the job of Secretary of State and all of her grrlfriendz prime positions of power in exchange for the forgiveness and support of the federally funded Female Supremacist Political Machine. Hillary and Grrlz agree and the trouble starts right away.
February 1 – Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir is appointed as the new Prime Minister of Iceland, becoming the world's first openly lesbian head of government since the Clintons were in the White House in the 1990s.
February 7 - The deadliest bushfires in Australian history begin; they kill 173, injure 500 more, and leave 7,500 homeless. The fires come after Melbourne records the highest-ever temperature (46.4°C, 115°F) of any capital city in Australia. The majority of the fires are ignited by either fallen or clashing power lines or deliberately lit. I personally freaked out, not knowing where a certain Melbourne friend of mine was, and gave a bunch of money to the Australian Red Cross along with instructions to "get your ass out there and find her. Then ask her to call me." She was fine, but she has yet to call me. She did email, but only to say "what the fuck did you send the Red Cross after me for? I live in the middle of the city and the fires were all in the outback, dumbass!"
February 14 - Unnamed man is attacked by Boise, Idaho police who pin him to the ground, pulling his head and arms backwards until he is unable to breath. Then one officer rams a Taser into his anus and fries it. Following the frying of his butthole the sexually aggressive officer presses the Taser against his testicles and threatens to fry his balls. The man later sues for excessive use of force.
March 18 - Natasha Richardson (Age 45), British actress married to Liam Neeson, dies from traumatic brain injury.
April 2 – The second G-20 summit, involving do-nothing politicians rather than the usual finance ministers, meets in London. Its main focus is an ongoing global financial crisis, except for the moment when U.S. President Barack Obama and French President Nicolas Sarkozy are caught on camera staring at a hot 16-year-old Brazlian girl's ass. The girl with the fine ass, Mayara Tavares, stated, "I didn't mind Sarkozy so much. I know he is skilled in the bedroom because he is French. But that American man was creepy. He reminds me of the Joker in that Batman movie." The rest of the summit is spent by police practicing their favorite sport - protestor punting.
April 5 – North Korea launches the Kwangmyŏngsŏng-2 rocket at the United States, prompting an emergency apology from United States President Barack Obama that no one understands.
April 12 - Marilyn Chambers (Age 57), legendary porn actress who starred in "Behind the Green Door" dies from unknown cause.
May 25 – North Korea announces that it has launched another nuclear missile at the United States. U.S. President Obama quickly apologizes once again to North Korea.
June 3 - David Carradine (Age 72), really poor martial artist and star of the widely popular Kung Fu TV series and co-star in Tarantino's "Kill Bill" movies, dies of autoerotic asphyxiation - i.e. jerking off while hanging himself.
June 11 – The outbreak of the H1N1 influenza strain, commonly referred to as "swine flu", is deemed a global pandemic, prompting former U.S. Vice President Al Gore to fly in his lear jet to Oslo, Norway, for a press conference where he insists that global warming is the cause of swine flu. He then begins insisting that he be allowed to meet the Swedish bikini team. Despite repeated attempts to explain to Mr. Gore that Norway and Sweden are different countries, he continues to demand to see them until finally the Norwegian government has them flown over from Sweden just to shut Mr. Gore up.
Al Gore invented internet porn
June 21 – Greenland stages a civil war against the Kingdom of Denmark, demanding independence. Denmark, having totally forgotten about Greenland, gives up without a fight. Greenland assumes control over its law enforcement, judicial affairs, and natural resources. Greenlandic becomes the official language, although Klingon remains the far more popular unofficial language and is spoken by more citizens than Greenlandic.
June 23 - Ed McMahon (Age 86), popular sidekick of Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show, dies of various health irregularities including a really young wife who liked to shop.
June 25 - Farrah Fawcett (Age 62), model and actress in popular T.V. series Charlie's Angels and former playboy model, dies after long battle with anal cancer.
June 25 – The death of American entertainer Michael Jackson triggers an outpouring of worldwide grief, moon walking, and the wearing of shiny '80s clothing. Online, reactions to the event cripple several major websites and services, as the abundance of people accessing the web addresses pushes internet traffic to potentially unprecedented and historic levels.
June 28 - Billy Mays (Age 50), obnoxious infomercial seller and co-star of the Pitchman show, dies of heart disease.
July 1 - Karl Malden (Age 97): American actor famous for TV series The Streets of San Francisco, dies of super duper old age.
July 1 - Mollie Sugden (Age 86), British actress who appeared in tv series Are You Being Served? dies of natural causes.
July 4 - Steve McNair (Age 36), former quarterback for the Tennessee Titans and Baltimore Ravens, is murdered by his girlfriend who then shot herself rather than face the horror of becoming the next Mary Winkler.
July 6 - Oscar Mayer Jr. (Age 95), weiner man and chairman of Oscar Mayer meat company, dies of natural causes.
July 22 - Tavares Browning files suit against the city of South Bend, Indiana, and 4 police officers who shot him in the testicles with 3 Tasers at once before a fourth officer jumped on top of him and rammed a Taser into his groin and literally fried his genitals. The attack was the result of a $1900 debt Tavares owed but was unable to pay.
August 6 - John Hughes (Age 59), director and writer who became famous for such films as The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Weird Science and Ferris Beuller's Day Off, dies of cardiac arrest.
August 11 - Eunice Kennedy Shriver (Age 88), one of the fucking Kennedys, dies after allegedly being bashed in the head with a golf club by Michael Skakel.
September 14 - Patrick Swayze (Age 57), lead actor of Point Break, Ghost, Dirty Dancing and Road House, dies after long battle with pancreatic cancer.
October 28 - A Langley, British Columbia man is sexually assaulted by a random woman who kicks him in the testicles as he is walking to his car. One of the man's testicles is jammed up inside his abdomen, rupturing it as it passes into his body. The man is taken to the hospital for surgery and suffers several weeks of unbearble agony. B.C. police note a flood of similar reports from men who were sexually assaulted in the same manner by a woman fitting the same description. A report goes out that police are searching for a "serial groin kicker" who is targeting men based on their sex and viciously sexually assaulting them.
November 5 - A 13-year-old boy in Johnson County, Indiana, bursst into a news station and begs for help. He and all the other boys at his school are being sexually assaulted on a daily basis, but they can't get anyone to do anything about it. A reporter takes the story and begins investigating. He discovers that the problem, which the students call "ball tapping," is widespread, covering the entire state, and that school nurses, teachers, principals and hospitals are very much aware of it. Yet not one thing is being done to stop it. Interviews with Indiana doctors reveals that boys are being brought into emergency rooms in need of surgery to remove ruptured testicles as a result of the epidemic of sexual violence against males that has overtaken not only Indiana, but the entire United States. A study of the very same problem was conducted in 1995 at the University of New Hampshire, where much the same information was discovered. The University of New Hampshire study even looked at what, if any, emotional and psychological damage was done in addition to the physical damage to the genitals. It found that the victims suffered the exact same emotional problems as victims of all other forms of sexual abuse. A warning was issued to The Press by the researchers about the epidemic of misandric sexual violence and immediate need for action to stop it. But much as the desperate 13-year-old boy in the Indiana school discovered, nothing was ever done to stop it. Quite the opposite, American culture continues to encourage sexual violence against males as much as possible. The story was quickly buried in 1995 and will be again in 2010. Authorities and legislators won't do anything because feminists don't want them to stop it.
December 20 - Brittany Murphy, 32, actress in movies Clueless, Girl, Interrupted, 8 Mile, Uptown Girls, Sin City, Happy Feet, and Riding in Cars with Boys and voice of Luanne in TV series "King of the Hill", dies of cardiac arrest.
December 31 - The United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit, based in San Francisco, rules that the Taser, an electrically disabling torture device, constituted excessive force when used against an unarmed man who did not pose a threat, and it refused to allow a police officer immunity for its use.
Taser! Taser! Sue!!!
And there you have it. 2009, a deadly year for celebrities, a rough year for victims of the Taser, and not a terribly great year for anyone possessing testicles. Thank God it's over! Let's hope 2010 is much better.
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