Monday Morning Madness

Obama Awarded Nobel Peace Prize

Our illustrious friends, the Norwegians, have given the world a long line of hot, blonde babes. They have given us some terrific luge teams. They have shown us how to ski the hell out of a mountain. And they have smoked a lot of crack, gotten very, very high, and subsequently awarded the Nobel Peace Prize to a man who just surrendered Poland to the Russians. "He is like a little girl," Russian dictator-for-life, Vladimir Putin was quoted as saying. "He has soft skin and squeals like a pig when I put my manhood up his bottom very roughly. I think he enjoys it."

The decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize to an American President who arguably has done nothing good, and clearly has in a very short time done significant bad, is not surprising to those who have been paying attention to the recent trend of awarding formerly significant honors to undeserving people.

In 1973, the stoned Norwegians awarded the prize to Le Duc Tho, of North Vietnam, and his American counterpart, Henry Kissinger, in hopes that these two would end the war in Vietnam. Mr. Tho threw the statue out his window and sent a nasty letter in response. Unfortunately, the letter was written in Vietnamese, and so the Norwegians were unable to figure out what it said. Mr. Kissinger used the award as a paperweight on his desk at his home before his very young grandson took it and buried it somewhere in the backyard. It has never been found. Or searched for.

In 1994 the lovely, but misguided Norwegians gave the award to Yasir Arafat, of the PLO. He ordered that it be broken into pieces and taken to Gaza to be hurled at Jewish soldiers in the hopes that it might kill some of them.

In 2002 the Nobel Prize was given to former U.S. Embarrassment, Jimmy Carter, the worst president in living memory to most Americans. Predictably, Mr. Carter cried upon hearing the news. He confessed during an impromptu acceptance speech that he had sinned by having lust in his heart for Monica Lewinksy and envy for Bill Clinton for having received so much oral sex from her. He also ranted about having hatred for Ronald Reagan and wanting to be on the next "Survivor" program because he felt that he would be a great choice to lead a team to victory.

In 2005, the award was given to Mohamed El Baradei and the International Atomic Energy Agency for allowing Iraq to build nuclear facilities right under his nose, all the while accepting enormous bribes of oil from Saddam Hussein in exchange.

In 2007 the prize was given to religious fanatic and failed politician, Al Gore, the man whose private jets, SUVs and luxurious mansions are together responsible for 32 percent of the world's carbon emissions even as the man himself preaches sermons about "global warming" and "the sky is falling."

In short, the Nobel Peace Prize, once a respected award, has long since been reduced to nothing more than an international joke. It is more often than not an embarrassment to receive it, as it is an indication more of ineffectual ignorance and impotence than anything else. Thus, the awarding of the prize to current American dictator, Barack Obama, is arguably entirely appropriate, in my humble opinion.

Dalai Lama - "I call myself a cunt"

Last week in the land of Elvis and prostitution - Memphis, TN - the Dalai Lama, ever the shrewd politician, stood before a crowd of misandric feminists, politicians, and wealthy heiresses and said "I call myself a cunt. Isn't that what you call someone who promotes the emasculation of men and boys and insists that grown men wear dresses and sheets?" He then went on to say that women are inherently better than men, and more compassionate, too. He proceeded to show video clips of men and young boys being severely injured or tortured in their genitals while the almost entirely female audience howled with bitter laughter. "See? See how compassionate you are?" he said with a laugh. "I think that women should rule the world. I think that you are all very pretty and not the least bit fat. I like what you've done with your hair. I need more donations and am almost entirely dependent upon financial gifts from very wealthy heiresses with great sums of money they have never earned, and very tiny brains they have never used. Please give generously so that the world may see that your hearts are as beautiful as your faces."

Religious Leaders say "Obama is The Beast, Dalai Lama the False Prophet"

A Christian religious organization speaking in Washington, DC, accused President Barack Obama of being "the Beast, the physical manifestation of Satan himself" and the Dalai Lama of being "the False Prophet", two figures prophesied in the Christian Bible to come into existence at the end of the world and who bring about its destruction. Much has been made recently of the Christian Bible's book of "Revelations" with its predictions of rising evil and global destruction, and the Mayan calendar, which is said to predict the end of the world in 2012.

The Dalai Lama refused to respond to questions about the accusations, covering his face with his dress and running from the room as soon as the question was asked. But President Barack Obama responded immediately.

"That's utterly preposterous." Obama said. "It's ridiculous. I think the suggestion that I am this "beast" that Christian mythology predicts, simply because I order that all Christian symbols and especially crosses be covered wherever I go is simply the most ignorant and insane accusation I have ever heard. I don't believe in Western religious mythology. I think it's all very foolish. Clearly the only reason I require that Christian symbols and crosses be covered in my presence is because I'm a vampire. How hard can it be to figure this out? I mean, really, it's obvious. I thought everyone knew already."

It's obvious
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