50 Things About Me - 'cuz I'm lacking creativity today

Either it's the height of narcissism or it's a way of letting passing potential readers know who I am better, in case they might want to stick around. Either way, it's tailor-made for a blog. So here it is. 50 things about me:


1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes, I was named after all of those old people who were named long before me. Rumor has it that I got the name that was supposed to go to the kid next to me in the baby display area, but there was some mix-up and he ended up named Cleophus Opie instead. He still stalks me sometimes. Get over it, dude.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Um ... I think it was when I read that Jessica Biel is doing a nude scene in her next movie. I really can't remember for sure. But then again, that's what tequila is for, isn't it?

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I am a computer geek. There is only one thing computer geeks still do by hand and it isn't writing.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Jessica Biel with just a sliver of Jenny McCarthy


5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Not until the paternity test proves otherwise, biatch.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
It would depend on whether this other person I suddenly was is a dick or not. Maybe the old me wouldn't want to be friends with the new obnoxious me, did you ever think of that? Yeah, look at that. I just rejected me before I could reject me first. Or something.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
No, of course not. Only mental midgets use sarcasm. Well, mental midgets and highly intelligent people who don't feel like arguing with pinheads who don't know what the hell they're talking about. Yeah, you're so awesome. You should run for the Senate, Mr. Franken. You have some great ideas there. And such charisma, too. Ha ha. No, I really mean that.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Last time I checked I did, yes. Why, did you need to borrow them?

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I'd rather skydive. It lasts longer and gives you time for the urine to evaporate before anyone notices your little 'accident'.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Ted Bundy is probably my favorite. He was so suave and cool. Most of them are ugly nutjobs, but he could have been on American Idol. Wait, you spelled 'serial' wrong.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
You can't untie 3" pumps. This has nothing to do with me, of course, but it remains true. Anyway, as for my own shoes, yes, I do untie them before taking them off and placing them neatly in the closet while singing "Won't you please - please won't you be - my neighbor?"

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Rocky Road with Chocolate Mint thrown in for maximum fattage, all smeared across Shannon Elizabeth's naked body.


14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
The first thing I notice is whether they're a Victoria's Secret supermodel with hardly any clothes on or not. This sort of thing is important to me, you know.

15. RED OR PINK?
What, like I'm your gynecologist or something? Oh fine, hop up on the table.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I didn't major in gynecology when I had the chance, dammit.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My cat, Stinky. He moves really fast and I always have been pretty wild with my sidearm fastballs. I hit him some of the time, though.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Yes, and also send me money. Who do you mean by 'everyone' exactly? Are we including Hollywood celebrities in that? I'd like Jessica Biel to come sit on my lap and complete this list using my computer while I give her a full body massage, that's what I'd like.


19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Is this for Jessica Biel's restraining order or something? Why do you want to know that specifically?

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Some jackass beating on ductwork with a hammer over my head. What the hell are they doing up there?!

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Envy Green, 'cause that guy who used to be married to Shannon Elizabeth is way uglier than me and still he got some of that ass.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Napalm in the morning, fresh crisp money, woman sweat, and cinnamon rolls

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Jessica Biel's attorney. Apparently it WAS for her restraining order. I told them my name is "Fingers" and I live in Sydney. I think they bought it.


26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Nude Supermodel Ultimate Fighting

27. HAIR COLOR?
Same brown as always, but with some gray (thanks 'University of We No Speak English But We Do Good Research')

28. EYE COLOR?
Brown, but I'm thinking of dying them blond

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, but I have several on LinkedIn

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Anything non-salmonellaish

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Violent world destroying hopeless Gothic films with way too much CGI effects and Kate Beckinsale naked.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Mary Poppins Does Dallas

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Again with the tricks for that restraining order, eh? Just ask Jessica to look out her bedroom window and see for herself. I'm not that hard to spot.


34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer on the beach in the Great Barrier Reef

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Kinda depends on whether we're talking about a Heidi Klum type or more of a Ben Roethlisberger type, you know? Heidi can kiss me, but if you're a guy, or Queen Latifah, just shake my hand please.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Ai Dunn No

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Mark Twain

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Um, something or other about how Leftists manipulate language to influence how people think and something else which my wife insists I should read called "One to get ready" or something like that (Stephanie Plum - sound familiar?) Oh, and also a book by the guy that created Vanguard, John Bogle or something like that.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Ain't no mouse pad, honkey! It's be called a 'crib' now.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
30 Rock, the Travel channel, and then Girls Next Door. Only one of them has real boobs, you know.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)?
I don't want to tell you because it's naughty and I'm not the one making it at the time. If Jessica Biel will open the door and let me in she can demonstrate it for you and me both.


43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Stones. I grew up in a Beatles household and one day discovered that I had missed a lot of good Stones music. Also good? AC/DC

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Whatever that island in the Caribbean is that's farthest out there. Grenada? I can't remember. Or maybe Toronto, Ontario is farther away. Anyway, once I go to Australia there won't be any more confusion about this.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Yes, writing for no money. I seem to be really good at the not getting paid for anything that I write thing. Also pretty good at the not getting published thing, which goes along with the not getting paid.

46 WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In a hospital delivery room on a cold table containing my momma.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
The person whose answers come with money attached.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Well, we were both being booked at the same time and she said to me, "hey baby, you need a date?"

49. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK?
Diet Caffeine-free Captain Morgan, light on the Coke

50. TARGET OR WALMART?
Target. Too many relatives shop at Walmart and might find me if I go there.

Ta daaaaaa! I'm all done now. Come wipe me.

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Thoughts on the Current State of the Union

I was just sitting here on the computer Tuesday night, Twittering and Facebooking while President Obama made his 1000th speech this month. It was an interesting experience. Everyone was writing their reactions to his speech in real time.

For several years I worked at one of the largest banks in the Southeastern United States. I looked at the mountains of bad mortgages, and the incredible huge black holes of financial debt Americans were happily piling onto their futures in order to 'live the dream'. I saw all of this, along with the reports of how alongside the debt was a near complete lack of money in savings, simply so they could drive a BMW SUV and wear something with 'Prada' written on it, and I wondered, has the average American really become this reckless, this foolish, this superficial, this low class, this blind to the consequences of the path we're on?

Tonight I saw a glimpse into my answer.

For twelve years, former President Roosevelt insisted that the incredibly long, drawn out Depression wasn't his fault. Oh no, it was the fault of the previous administration, President Hoover's administration. Yes, for twelve long years. And people bought it. Enough Americans believed that horseshit to reelect him more times than any other president in U.S. history. Roosevelt loved making speeches and was an expert at bullshitting his way free of blame, relying heavily on his charisma. Today, President Obama and the Press regularly compare Barack and his policies to President Roosevelt. And this despite the fact that economists looking back at Roosevelt's policies and their impact have concluded that he didn't solve the Depression at all. He made it worse. He made it much, much worse.

Historians defend President Roosevelt from the economists by saying "he didn't know. No one knew back then. He did what seemed like the best idea at the time."

Fine, he did what they thought was best at the time, lacking any better information to go on. I'll give them that, even though it isn't entirely correct. It most certainly isn't true anymore. We know why it was a mistake and specifically what aspects of Roosevelt's ever-expanding Federal Government were the worst mistakes of all. We know, but we've learned nothing from it. We're doing it again, only this time we're doing it on a much larger scale, and in response to a much smaller crisis.

Yes, we have a big crisis. But the Depression was dramatically worse than this. Rahm Emanuel spelled out Obama's strategy clearly when he said "don't waste this crisis." Everyone who knows who Rahm Emanuel is knows exactly what he meant:

'While Americans are emotional, while Americans are enjoying the soap opera and the drama and not thinking clearly, logically, objectively, let us build the Socialist Dream that Saul Alinsky envisioned. Let us complete the castration of the West and turn the Shining City on a Hill into the biggest Nanny State in Western history.'

And so we shall.

Sure, France and Germany have been slowly moving away from this model for a Nursery Nation because it has been such a huge failure, sucking them down into obscurity with the resulting mass temper tantrums and utter lack of masculine character that it inspires, but so what? If there's one thing we know about Progressives, it's that Progressives are slaves to the power of Denial. Failure is not simply ignored, it's denied violently. And so, even as we move to 'Universal Health care', which must be paid for by an ever-shrinking body of American workers who already can't afford health care, we are simultaneously rebuilding the Welfare State that was partially dismantled in the 1990s by Bill Clinton and the Republican Congress. How ironic to see a day when Republicans might wish for Bill Clinton to return. And yet, that day is here.

---

I watched a documentary the other night on Venezuela's Hugo Chavez. I watched the people, all dressed in red, cheering with tears in their eyes for their 'great leader' while he gave an emotional rah rah speech. I watched as he strutted around, steadily growing accustomed to the power and the adoration. I listened to excerpts from several of his speeches in which he lectured the nation like a mother hen, pecking at them for buying things which he didn't feel they needed, things like Prada purses and SUVs, finally making it illegal to do so. His arrogance grew steadily and noticeably in the clips they showed, stepping from one year to the next so that you could easily see the progression in his ego and his arrogance and most of all, in his power and control over The People. He made lots and lots of speeches. The longer he remained in power, the more speeches he made, rambling on and on about what everyone should and shouldn't do, should and shouldn't want, like a drunken man who simply enjoys the sound of his own voice.

At the end of the documentary, they showed some of the younger generation of Venezuelans. They showed how they were disgusted with their parents who blindly worshipped and followed Chavez despite the glaring failures of socialism and all his empty, emotion-driven broken promises. They rolled their eyes as their mothers praised Chavez for his ability to bring them to tears with his words of hope and 'yes we can'. The old ladies didn't care that his policies had brought a rich and prosperous nation to ruin. All that mattered to them was the fact that his words were like a Hallmark card, making them cry with emotion.

The more I learn about the roots of the current financial crisis, the angrier I get. Bill Clinton himself, in an incredibly uncharacteristic statement, admitted his share of the blame for the subprime mortgage crisis. He even called on the rest of the Democratic Party to do likewise. They, of course, refused. Still, the subprime mortgage crisis isn't the whole crisis. It's just one piece to a much larger puzzle.

Barack Obama's own Black Congressional Caucus, working hand-in-hand with ACORN, a political racketeering organization known to openly and illegally stuff ballot boxes and blackmail financial institutions, in blatant violation of the law, also bears a large portion of blame.

George Bush and the Republican Party, increasing spending on socialist programs that they knew damn well their supporters did not support, bear a share of the blame, too. And for the Republicans part, they were kicked out by those same former supporters. But so far they have been the only ones to suffer any punishment for these abuses of power.

The feeding frenzy in Washington, D.C. has been growing out of control for decades. My father once gave me a book written by a former member of the House of Representatives. In the book the author warned about the "pigs at the trough" who were growing in number and in power in Washington, sucking the blood out of our nation's economy. The former Congressman warned that if they weren't stopped, they would grow and grow until they brought the entire economy to its knees. It was an old book, written around 1980. Things weren't even half as bad then as they are today.

Barack Obama's speaking abilities are excellent. He's as good as any televangelist I've ever heard, and far better than either former Presidents named Bush or any of the current Republicans. But the emotional response to his empty rhetoric by The People in this country is disturbing. It's also dangerous. I wish I could believe that Americans are too smart to be taken in by the likes of Nancy "raging ego" Pelosi, Joe "vagina" Biden, Rahm "don't waste this crisis" Emanuel, or any of the host of other scam artists who perpetually surround our new President like a dark shadow. But the statistics on the steady rise in personal debt willingly embraced by the average American citizen over the past many years following the stock market crash of 2000, so strongly contrasted with the near complete absence of savings, tells me otherwise. I'm not talking about debt taken on out of necessity. I'm talking about enormous personal debt taken on in order to buy, buy, buy without ever stopping simply because shopping is fun and exciting and feels good. I'm talking about a nation of shopaholics who buy things because Oprah recommended it, because it's shiny, because the ads for it appealed to their "strong, independent" ego, or simply because the feeling of buying something new was the only good feeling left in their empty, me-first and me-only lives.



Many years ago, Osama bin Laden and his Oxford-educated Muslim jihad advisers, very intelligently and correctly surmised that a terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, if successful, would bring the Western financial world to its knees. They hit it in 1993 using a truck bomb, hoping that by blowing up the base of one of the two tallest towers, they could cause it to fall into the other of the tallest towers, bringing both towers crashing down. The bomb exploded successfully, but it didn't bring either tower down. For eight years the White House under Bill Clinton, did very little about the attack. They let Osama go without giving him any trouble at all.

And then, on September 11th, 2001, Osama's soldiers tried again. They had studied and planned for eight additional years why their initial attack had failed and what sort of attack would be necessary to succeed. Despite the political cartoons depicting them as towel-headed morons, the reality is that despite their emotion-laden, tear jerking, "Yes-We-Can" jihad speeches, the men leading them are not fools at all. They are generals. And they knew what they were doing when they successfully brought down both Tower One and Tower Two of the World Trade Center. It was an enormous rock thrown into the center of a sea of trade, and the ripples kept right on flowing across the oceans of trade for years after, building into a tidal wave.

Couple the terrorist destruction of the financial trade center of the Western World with the housing crisis made infinitely worse by the Democratic Party, Barack Obama's Congressional Black Caucus, and the ACORN-pirates, and you have major disaster on your hands. Add to that the dramatic expansion of Government under the Clinton White House and Republican Congress of the late '90s, and later continuing under the Bush White House and formerly Republican Congress in the early 21st Century, and you begin to see more causes of the current unraveling of our economy.

Throw in Bernard Madoff and his hedge fund, stealing over $50 billion from the world's richest few, add a dash of other crooks just like him, but on a smaller scale, and it's like gasoline on an already huge raging fire.

No, it wasn't a failure of capitalism that created this mess, as Barack Obama claims. It was corruption, massive out-of-control corruption at the highest levels of government.

Still, the fire could be put out. The worst has hit us and we know who and what our enemy is. We know what has to be done. We also know what the worst possible thing we could do is. The worst possible thing we could do is to allow politicians, the very same politicians whose faces are still covered in golden pork from having their heads buried deep in the trough of taxpayer money for so many years, to exploit this crisis, their crisis for which they bear so much personal blame. To allow these pigs to exploit the emotion and the fear of the American people in order to explode the size of the Federal Government into the single largest entity in the nation, producing nothing while devouring everything, including the Constitution and all the rights and powers of The People, is nothing short of treason. And if the word 'treason' bothers you, then replace it with 'suicide'. The end result is the same.

I'd like to believe that Americans are too smart to allow our nation to be transformed into one of the most ineffective lumbering socialist regimes in the Western hemisphere. I'd like to believe that we're smarter than the people of Venezuela, smarter than the people of Cuba, smarter than the people of China with its infamous purges of which our history books say virtually nothing. I'd especially like to believe that Americans today are smarter than the people of Germany in the 1930s, where socialism's greatest emotional orator of the 20th Century rose to power amid a sea of worshipful tears, screaming fans, and enthusiastic chants of "social justice" and "hail the victory".

I'd like to believe it. But I've just read that President Obama is doing away with President Bush's tax cuts, the only thing proven to effectively stimulate the economy. I've just read how he is rebuilding the Welfare State, bigger and badder than it was before, with states being rewarded not for encouraging the disadvantaged to work and become self-sufficient, but instead for dragging as many citizens as possible onto the roles of welfare, adding as many as possible and receiving Federal Money in return for each and every one. In other words, if the States are able to sign up every single formerly working citizen for welfare, Obama's new policy rewards them for all of them. Not even Roosevelt envisioned this.

Some call it 'hope'. Some call it 'change'. Some call it 'yes we can'. I'll be curious to hear what they're calling it 4 years from now.




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Wednesday Words

The Welfare State is back, bigger than before

I listened to most of President Obama's speech/sermon last night and I have quite a bit to say about it. I was up late writing my reactions and noting the reactions of others. I started to post what I'd written, only to pull it back. I've done this several times now, starting to post, then pulling it back. I don't know why. I have a lot of thoughts about it, yet don't feel much like sharing any of them.

It was interesting to note the reactions of the people on the internet while he was speaking. People on Twitter were talking nonstop about it. People on Facebook were arguing, with Obama supporters telling those with differing views to "shut the hell up." I myself offered only a few opinions, hardly any that I would consider particularly controversial. I just didn't feel it.

Thomas Sowell has an article out this week about the feeling of utter despair he senses among the non-Leftists, and especially among the Conservatives. He says it is unlike anything he has seen before and that he himself is fighting it, as he watches a once-free nation being transformed into the biggest Welfare State in history. He finds it hard to maintain hope.

I'm in a bit of a strange position. I feel detached. I want to go live in Australia. I'm aware that Australia is already socialist to a large degree, and I don't like socialism at all. Regardless of how I feel about it, I haven't yet been to Australia. I haven't found a job there or even applied. I mean, there's the Hamilton Island thing, but my chances with that aren't great considering the professional level competition. And it's only a 6-month, temporary work visa thing anyway. The point is, in realistic terms, I haven't done much of anything necessary to actually move myself to Australia. Yet I feel virtually no connection to the United States at all at this point.

I feel like a man in a dream, watching a fire burning higher and higher all around him, oddly untouched by the flames or heat. Rather than being frozen with fear at the sight of this horrific fascist monster rising up, or crushed with despair at the well-deserved losses of the Republican Party, I feel .... nothing at all.

When I heard that Melbourne was burning, I was upset and wanted to go fight the fires. When I hear that L.A. is burning, I feel almost nothing. It burns all the time. Sometimes its terrible, most times not so much. We get over it.

When I heard that Queensland was flooding and entire towns were underwater, I felt bad for them and wanted to help. When I hear about Louisiana blaming Bush because the mayor of New Orleans failed to do his job and the governor failed to do her job, I feel disgusted. Oh sure, I gave money. Some of my friends took time off from work to go down and try to help. I considered it, but couldn't go. I didn't feel horrible. And when refugees from New Orleans came to Memphis and began robbing everyone, including our criminals, sympathy dropped off pretty dramatically. It's a shame, I know, because there are a lot of good people who have been devastated, but the bad ones, there are so many. And they have soured the nation to the whole thing.

I'm noticing blogs fading. I know this comes and goes in cycles, but this one is pretty dramatic and I can't escape the feeling that Facebook and Twitter and others are stealing voices from here on a permanent basis. Facebook is fun, but you can't just wander by and make a new friend at random the way you can on The Blog. It's a private party, not an open bar. Miss Smack wrote about it. Fingers commented on it. Everyone is seeing it. It may be temporary. It may not. Who can say?


No straight girls allowed on my team, dammit!

Recently a girl filed a lawsuit against Central Michigan University because the new lesbian basketball coach is openly harassing and discriminating against heterosexual players, costing them their scholarships. The News Media, quite predictably, isn't interested in this story. You certainly won't see any crime shows on CBS about any evil lesbian coaches harassing their straight female players, that's for damn sure. This is exactly the sort of story I'd normally spend a whole week writing about. It's tailor-made for me. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I just don't feel it. I hope the girl wins. What the coach is doing is wrong. I doubt she will, though. We all know who the powerful hate-groups are and who has no power. The outcome of this lawsuit is predictable. The powerless never win.


Misandric sexual assault is politically correct

Just the other night on CBS, the most racist and sexist network in the United States, a character named Ziva on the popular show NCIS, completely out of nowhere, sexually assaulted a white male who had pointed a handgun at her. It was at the end of the show. There wasn't any reason for it. They just threw it in there to make sure everyone knows how much CBS hates white males. It was interesting for several reasons. First, because there wasn't even an attempt made to justify it. She just did it for no reason. And second, she did NOT sexually assault the black male who was in charge, and who had just been shooting at her for over 10 minutes with a machine gun while telling her that he was going to rape her once he finally got her. No, sexually assaulting a black male is not politically correct. Only white males are to be sexually assaulted in the hate-motivated world of the PC Police State. This is why you won't ever see a black male be hit in the groin in any movie or TV show unless it was made by black people themselves, and usually only if it was made by one of the Wayan brothers.

Normally I would be all over this shit. But not this week. This week I'm numb. Or tired. Or maybe I'm numb and tired? I don't know. I'm just not myself. I didn't even yell at the TV when it happened. I just sat there and very slowly realized what had just occurred - black guy tries to murder woman with machine gun, black guy threatens to rape woman, white guy shows up with handgun, white guy is sexually assaulted and arrested, black guy isn't even handcuffed. Huh? That's fucking weird. Hey, wait a minute, that's Saul Alinsky PC sexist, racist bullshit! How did I miss that?


Sumner 'sociopath' Redstone says,
I love violent sex offenders. They're some of my favorite people.

So, what's most interesting this week, and this month, is not what Obama says in his many, many fucking speeches. It's what he's doing, but not so much talking about despite being on the TV every fucking night. Are you paying attention? Some bloggers are. Many are not, preferring instead to bask in the warm Oprah-like glow of empty rhetoric and promises that will not be kept. That's fine. I have so much I want to say. But for some reason I can't quite get it out. Perhaps tomorrow?


Oh, by the way, I've only just heard, but the Supreme Court has just ruled that despite our Constitution, legislators and prosecutors can now retroactively apply laws and charge people for things that weren't illegal when they did them, just so long as the new law is very, very politically correct. I shit you not. It passed 7-2, which is really disturbing. Someone was passing around some serious drugs on this day, clearly. So much for 'criminal intent' and all that.

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29 Lines to Make You Smile

Need to smile?

1. My spouse and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three Thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.



Mission Accomplished!



And now for something else to make you smile ...

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Nude Memphis News and Headlines

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Ain't Got Jack Crap

It's Monday again, dammit. I have nearly posted several different things, but pulled them all back. And ironically I have nothing specific to say, so who knows where this post is going?

I have spent a great deal of my limited free time the past few weekends trying to put together a video for a contest I want to win. This past weekend I tried to put all my footage into one final, coherent file to submit, only to come to the inescapable conclusion that the whole thing is shit. And then the computer crashed and LOST IT. I was screaming "FUUUUUUCK" at 4 a.m. on Sunday. I'm not joking.

The deadline for this thing is this coming Sunday and I haven't got anything worthwhile. My time is super limited and I only have access to my tools for video editing on weekends. Oh hell.

A year ago I paid $1000 to have new air-conditioning installed in my big-assed 4x4. I live in The South, which is America's equivalent of Melbourne, Australia, with its tennis-pro-melting, forest-killing, record-setting heat-wave. Except that we also have horrific humidity to go with the heat, so that not only do you feel like you are in a microwave oven in summer, but it also feels like you're standing in a bowl of soup. In short, it gets nasty when it's hot here. Air-conditioning is not optional.

So, $1000 one year ago for air and as of last night my compressor was roaring like an angry lion, which is a sure sign of early death. I'm pretty sure they won't repack the bearings and send me on my way. These days everything is made in China and Mexico and when it fails, which is often because, well, its from China or Mexico, no one knows how to fix it anymore. So they just chuck it and force you to pay for a new one. I don't much feel like paying for another $1000 air-conditioning compressor. I want the one I paid for to fucking WORK. Actually, it currently DOES work, but it's also currently winter here in the States, so I don't need it. What I need it to do is to stop roaring because I know it is going to die altogether long before summer gets here and then, when I do need it, it won't be there. Also, when it finally locks up completely I'll be stranded, because it'll break the belt on the front of my engine when it goes. Bastard piece of shit!

Last night, as I was driving from Memphrica back to North Alabama to prepare for my week of working, I encountered the usual weaving drunks. Sunday is ironically a day in which liquor sales are not allowed in most Southern states. Yet it is also the day in which I encounter the most drunk drivers. None of the weaving drunks crashed into anyone last night, so I didn't worry about them too much. But this morning something unusual happened.

I was driving north on the parkway, heading into work, surrounded by a sea of Alabama hammerhead traffic sharks, the sort of animal that circles you and then gets in front of you in order to drive as slowly as possible. Their goal is to kill you by causing you to become angry and either crash as you attempt to get past them, or perhaps have a stroke and die of heart failure. It's a passive/aggressive attack. Anyway, this morning I came upon a black Corvette hammerhead shark in the left-hand lane, going 45 mph. He had someone stuck behind him and was enjoying playing with his victim when he noticed me passing on the right in my roaring, soon-to-be-lacking-air-conditioning truck. He of course instantly sped up to 65 mph in an attempt to block me and prevent me from passing. But I ignored him and passed him anyway.

This made him very angry. So he began to tailgate me.

Tailgating a full-sized 4-wheel-drive truck in a Corvette is a bit like a possum trying to push a horse. The horse isn't likely to notice and may accidentally step on the possum. But in the meantime, the possum feels powerful, as if he's really accomplishing something.

Like most hammerheads in traffic, the Corvette quickly lost interest in chasing me from behind and went back to blocking the poor sucker still trapped behind him. Also, we passed a cop who had someone pulled over and was writing them a ticket, and the driver of the Corvette, as I soon observed, had reason to fear being pulled over himself. So he quickly slowed down and forgot about me.

As he fell further and further back behind me I noticed that he was weaving. I had noticed it before, but not paid much attention. He hadn't been weaving as badly before, but now he was weaving badly enough that he nearly hit a car next to him. And he was clearly unaware that he was doing it.

He was drunk.

This was a first. I've always encountered more than the normal amount of passive/aggressive bitches in traffic here in Rocketown, but this was the first time I had ever encountered a drunken one at 8 o'clock in the morning, driving in rush hour traffic.

Ah, wait a minute! Today is 'Presidents Day', a meaningless holiday created by merging Washington's birthday with Lincoln's birthday. Both days used to be a federal holiday for all government employees, but then the communists took over and demanded that we create a new holiday for Martin Luther King Jr instead. So they merged the birthdays of our Founding Fathers in order to make room for MiLK Day.

So, today all government employees, which are about half the people in the Rocket City, are off work. And this guy, cruising aimlessly in his black Corvette, drunk off his ass, must be a government employee. He must be enjoying the day by driving around stoned and screwing with people who have to get to work. That explains it!

So, mystery solved. Yay me. I'm Adrian Monk.

Meanwhile, my compressor is still roaring and I'm pissed about it.



Speaking of pissed, that reminds me, the New Government has begun a program to fuck with ammunition for guns, trying to track buyers, which has already been ruled unconstitutional, force manufacturers to mix taggets into the gunpowder of every bullet, which has already been tried and found to screw with the firing of it, and also to invent primers which expire and fail after 6 months, leaving homeowners to be killed when attempting to defend their families with non-firing weapons because of faulty ammunition. Most importantly of all, though, individual citizens will be unable to fight against a corrupt regime in any sort of American Revolution against tyranny because our ammo will turn to junk while the now-all-powerful government's won't. My Wife heard about this and asked me to go buy ammunition. This is the first time she has ever asked me to go buy anything related to guns, so you know funky things are happening here. It didn't take long, did it? I have a feeling, though, that there isn't going to be a single box of bullets left anywhere in this city because I am late in hearing about this and all the other citizens who are paying attention will have already gone out and bought it all up. Also probably already bought up will be really expensive military-style rifles that I would never buy under normal circumstances (because they cost so fucking much) and don't much care to go pursuing now.

Oh well, I plan on moving to beautiful Australia anyway at some point. What do I care? My biggest concern right now is the embarrassing fact that I'm not certified for scuba diving and I can't surf. Oh, what a lousy Australian I'm going to be!

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A Valentine for My Wife

Happy Valentine's Day, My Love

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Baptizing a drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. He asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk. So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.

The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,


'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'



* Emailed to me by Rachel

And now, oh so appropriate ...

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Something for Suzanne Horne

There's no reason for it. This came on the radio and it just hit me. I had never really listened to it all that closely before. Go back to what you were doing. I'll post something new later tonight.

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Do Something Good

I know I write a lot of useless crap that affects no one and nothing and generally creates the impression, somewhat accurately, that I am nothing more than a girly bitch disguised as a grown man, but in this case I want to take time out to do something for real.

It appears that over 200 people will have been killed by the fires in and around Melbourne by the time this is all over with. Already over 1000 homes have been burned to the ground, along with everything in them. Entire families have burned up together in their cars trying to flee the inferno.

While all of this has been going on, little noticed among the horror, heavy rains and floods have been devastating parts of Northeastern Australia, drowning entire towns and killing residents and destroying homes. It's almost as if God decided that Australia is too beautiful and happy and needs to be knocked down to the level of unhappiness that the rest of the world currently experiences. I realize this is totally unbiblical, despite what a misguided Australian preacher said. I'm only joking about that.

Being serious once again, there doesn't appear to be much that you or I can do from where we are. But there is one thing many of us can do.

Anyone wanting to help can give to the Red Cross of Australia. It may not seem like much, but it's a heck of a lot better than doing nothing and then leaving the survivors to try to get back on their feet alone. Want to be a real 'mate'? Want to be 'true blue'? Fine, donate what you can so that the people who have been devastated by these terrible disasters can receive some help in getting back on their feet. You know they'd do it for you, 'cause Aussies are good people.

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How Can We Sleep While Melbourne's Burning?

I saw a glimpse of it on the news last night, but I was out at a restaurant and couldn't force them to turn the channel back to the story that has my undivided attention.



The record heatwave that struck Melbourne during the Australian Open tennis tournament (currently 118 degrees F) has turned into a deadly massive fire.



There are more blogger friends that I care a great deal about living in Melbourne than perhaps many of you realize. In fact, my all-time-favorite blogger is back and forth between there and Sydney and could be anywhere while this disaster is striking.



25 135 173 181 Melbourne residents are dead as of the last news report I heard, and more are likely to follow.

You really find out how much you care about people when you hear of something like this and can't think of anything else.

I'm someone who can't sit still when something like this is happening. Being 9500 miles away and utterly unable to do a thing except send out emails and wait for a reply is killing me.

One Melbourne Blogger has written about what she saw just today. Check it out.

Sorry for this interruption. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging.



I don't know who put this video clip together, but I just wanted the song ...

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Let's Be Racist - Its Fun!

NASCAR NEWS ... Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.

However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.


Jeff Gordon's wife - not in shower

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Does anyone else besides me see a problem with the fact that the entire Western hemisphere seems to be celebrating the United States for electing a black man? The celebrations are based solely on the color of his skin. At first it was the fact that he could sing-song like an old black preacher, but people have quickly forgotten every word he said (luckily for him). Now all anyone remembers is that we elected a man because he is black.

Yes, I realize that at the time many people were actually voting for him because they liked the way he spoke or the way his suit hung on him or because they hated John McCain, or one of several other reasons, but that was a long time ago in Media Time and The Press has forgotten already. All anyone in The Press remembers anymore is that we elected "The First Black President" for being black. That's how it is here in The Land of Confusion. And they are quite happy about it. Nevermind what it reveals about The Press and their personal bigotry. Nevermind what it implies about the voters who swore up and down that they weren't voting for Obama based on skin color, because if they weren't then they'd be damned insulted about the implications of what The Press is saying now.

So, are they? Thus far the only person I have heard say anything against this celebration of skin color has been columnist Thomas Sowell, a black professor living in San Francisco. He openly says how stupid he thinks it is, and how destructive for our nation that we would celebrate a national leader based on something so unimportant to the job at hand.

How long have we been hearing from on high that prefering anyone based on skin color is wrong? It's been all of my life. That's a damn long time. And yet everyone is so excited about the color of this one man's skin. The fact that this man is as white as he is black has been ignored. We're not allowed to acknowledge that. Oh no, that would be bad. We don't want no white in our first black whatever.

Too bad for his mama, because she's a honky and thus has to be ignored. If she were only the 'right' color we could hold her up as an icon of feminist success, a single mother who hooked up with a 'typical' worthless man and had his baby all by herself. We can't acknowledge her because it would mean acknowledging that Our First Black President is half white.

And yet it's there, an inconvenient truth.

Now every time he appoints another semi-black person to some other position of power we hear it all over again, "the first black whatever" and the crowd goes wild.

My friends, THIS is what racism is, celebrating someone for their skin color and not for their qualifications or personal achievements. It's just plain arrogant. It's insulting. And it's stupid.

Of course, these same twats didn't celebrate Condaleeza Rice. No, they ranted on and on about how ugly she is. And they didn't celebrate Colin Powell, either. Until he endorsed Barack Obama. Then suddenly they stopped calling him "Uncle Tom" and started patting him on the back and calling him "pal". Yeah, with friends like these you'd best start working on a secret hiding place in your home where you can go when the seasons change and you suddenly find yourself out of fashion. This sort of thinking can make life very interesting.

Just ask Ann Frank.

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Tuesday at The Stache

My blog post for today is over at Burt's Stache. Do me a favor and go check it out.

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Misandric Monday - Open Season on Men

Woman who shot husband dead gets probation

By Lawrence Buser, Memphis Commercial Appeal
Originally published 02:26 p.m., January 30, 2009
Updated 02:26 p.m., January 30, 2009

A Millington, TN woman who killed her husband with a .22-caliber rifle while he made doughnut circles in his pickup truck was sentenced today to three years of probation.

As part of a negotiated sentence, Linda Abbott, 40, agreed not to ask Criminal Court Judge John Colton Jr. for diversion, which could have erased the voluntary manslaughter conviction returned by a jury in November. In return, she will do no jail time if she complies with probation requirements.

She was charged with second-degree murder for killing husband Gary Abbott, 43, on July 23, 2005, behind their home at 9401 Riverbluff west of Millington.

Authorities initially believed that Abbott died in a violent crash when his truck hit a piece of farm machinery and burst into flames.

When a .22-caliber bullet was found in his head during an autopsy, however, Linda Abbott admitted firing one rifle shot in the air and a second shot that she said was an accidental discharge.

Authorities said the shot traveled some 150 feet across a field behind the house, struck Gary Abbott in the head and caused the truck to crash.

Linda Abbott testified in trial that her husband sometimes drove in circles in the field when he was angry or had been drinking. His blood alcohol was .26.

She told a jury the shooting was an accident, that she was trying to get his attention to come to dinner and that she had no reason to intentionally shoot him.

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Skipping past the obvious fact that if the sexes were reversed the shooter would have been castrated and crucified immediately, I find it interesting that she was going to get diversion, which wipes the whole thing off her record completely as if it never happened. And then there's the little detail of her claiming she was just shooting at him with a rifle to "get his attention". There are a lot of ways to get someone's attention. Shooting at them through the back of their head isn't one of them.

Her attorney was the infamous "if you're guilty as hell call" Leslie Balin, former attorney for husband murderer, Mary "Lizzie Borden" Winkler.

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