Things I Have Learned

A couple of sheets of computer paper, thrown in a stack, can break the glass of a $200 picture.

A thin wire clothes hanger, thrown across a room and out into a hallway, can penetrate a sheetrock wall.

There is nothing between the skin of an average man's shin and his shinbone except blood, and lots of it.

It is actually possible for the lid of a jar of pickles to stick so tightly shut, that you can break the jar of pickles trying to get the lid off and still not turn it.

The door of a Toyota Corolla, no matter what year it was made, when kicked open with great force and caused to slam against the side of a 1969 Buick Wildcat, will fold at the end into the shape of the Buick's door. The Buick won't even show a scatch on the paint.

Those orange and white barrels that they fill with sand and place at construction sites to block traffic are more like a suggestion than an actual barricade to a 1972 Dodge Polara. They don't even scratch the chrome on its' enormous steel bumper, let alone slow it down.

A man punching a brick wall while drunk will get to see what his hand looks like on the inside, but he won't phase the brick wall and he won't impress his girlfriend.

No amount of alcohol can enable a man to lift a full sized American car, no matter how certain he is that he can do it.

No amount of alcohol can enable a man to smash a healthy watermelon over his own head, although he may knock himself unconcious in the attempt.

A healthy V8-powered American car can be easily made to fly without any difficulty whatever. It's the landing that causes all the problems.

While theoretically a rotary powered engine can rev far higher than any piston engine, there is still a point at which it will explode and then you have to walk home.

Being drunk does not make your car go any faster.

If God had not meant for men to fly he would have put seatbelts on motorcycles.

A woman can't drive a car very well if she's accidently slid over into the passenger seat after clipping a curb while fleeing from the cops. But she will try anyway.

Little men with strong opinions should not voice those opinions to big men in beat up old Mustangs until the big men are out of earshot.

Bitter divorced women who live alone and shout at the men on the TV never seem to get any happier with time. They just get crazier.

A bicycle can only be jumped over a large ramp a certain number of times before something breaks off, usually in mid-air at the worst possible time.

During a hurricane is not the best time to try a 'boomerang throw' with a Frisbee. It will come back, but you may get hurt catching it.

It is unwise for a boy to get into a heated argument with a violent red-headed girl who can run faster than him.

When you are in high school you can smoke cigarettes and still run marathons. In fact, when you are in high school you can do just about anything. This does not last long.

There are birds in Arizona large enough to grab and fly away with small dogs.

It doesn't matter how many times you get kicked in the balls. You never get used to it.

Whatever direction you intend for a tree to fall while cutting it, it will always fall in the direction of your truck.

Soccer has sent more Americans to the hospital than anything to ever come from Europe in all of history.

Having absolutely no talent whatever will not prevent a person from being cast in a movie and later given an award on TV.

Reporters actually can lie on television, and also in the newspapers, contrary to what most 12 year olds firmly believe.

Striking a psycho in the nose with your palm will not drive the bone of their nose into their brain and kill them, but it will cover their face in blood and make them really angry.

Leaning backwards against the door of a modern car can leave a perfect imprint of your ass in that car's door, even if you didn't mean to do it.

Swatting a fly with your hand against your windshield can break the windshield and still not kill the fly.

No matter how many scumbag politicians are forced to resign in scandal, there is always another one ready and anxious to take their place. We never seem to run out of them.

Narcissists get more hot women than non-narcissists.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a judge and sometimes that's good enough.

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