Things I Have Learned - part II

When your car has run out of gas, pressing the gas pedal with all of your might still won't make it go.

Steroids can make nice guys mean, small boys big, and star players into legends. But all they can do for Congress is give them something to distract themselves with instead of doing their actual jobs.

Militant dedication to hating religious people is itself a religion.

Large churches are a great place to find scam artists looking for a sucker.

Anything thrown across a room in anger will always hit the most valuable object in the room.

Kittens are made of rubber. If not, they could not possibly survive the things they do.

There is nothing cute or lovable about a used litterbox.

The opposite of Blogging is Good Time Management.

The more means of communication we invent, the less time there is for everything else.

Growing old does not always mean growing up.

It is entirely possible for a person to never 'grow out of' being a stupid, know-it-all punk.

As bad as television distracted the previous generations from getting things done, it was nothing compared to email, the internet, and now text messaging on a cellphone.

Now that we have radios in our cars, email at our desks, televisions in our homes, and cell phones in our pockets, it is possible for a person to live out their entire life without ever once sitting quietly and contemplating deep thoughts.

Never lay an XBox on its' side while the game is in the drive and spinning.

When your underwear starts crushing your balls up against you, it usually means you've gotten fat, although you'll be convinced that all your underwear has just suddenly shrunk.

Live chickens smell like complete shit pretty much all the time.

Cow tipping is real.

A Camaro or Mustang combined with a mullet of any kind is not always a bad sign, but it is often enough to be a good rule of thumb.

Pretty much any car, truck or motorcycle combined with a mullet, aviator sunglasses, a black Dale Earnhardt jacket, and a pair of cowboy boots is like a giant billboard screaming LOSER in flashing neon letters.

If you want to know what a man is really made of, let him get a kidney stone while in church.

Pain makes you stronger, but it can also eliminate all happiness from your life. What good is that?

A man who makes a habit of beating his horse will eventually find himself pinned against the stall, unable to breath, as his horse 'accidently' leans on him for awhile.

It is foolish to discount or understimate a horse's sense of humor. Aside from pinning people against the barn, other horse 'jokes' include scraping riders out of the saddle with low-hanging branches, a well-timed buck that sends the rider tumbling down a hillside, biting a person's ass when their back is turned, and of course the ever-popular but more serious kick-to-the-head.

Cats hate being laughed at more than anything in the world. Dogs don't care if you laugh at them just so long as you're paying attention to them.

Never put a herd of miniature donkeys in a field with a prized bull. They will tear the bull up just out of meanness and you will have one hell of a hard time explaining it to the vet.

Raggedy old pickup trucks rarely caught fire while pulling heavy trailers, even when the load was strong enough to break their transmissions or axles. But new trucks burn frequently, if only because their owners don't the difference between a real truck and the shiny tricked-out toy they've bought.

A sinking boat will literally suck you down with it if you don't get the hell away from it before it goes down completely.

Taking a shit in the lake where you are swimming may seem like a good idea at the time, but sometimes turds float and when they do they will follow you, boat or no, all the way back to camp. Oh, you may think you've lost it. You may think the lake is huge and camp is so far away. But just wait awhile. It will show up.

If you push on a billygoat's horns, he will push back even harder. He won't stop even after you want to let go. If you let go, he will ram you. How fast can you run?

Animals fear men with sticks. Feminists fear men with dicks. City people fear country hicks. Girls fear being left out of cliques.

Many a fool has lost both of their shoes in the mud of a pasture, never to see them again. This is how people today learn why cowboy boots were invented in the first place.

Ostriches may look funny, but they're meaner than hell and can flat out fuck you up.

When a television show about how toilets are made absolutely fascinates you for a solid hour, you are either stoned or in desperate need of a vacation.

Life will kill you eventually. There are no do overs. Every moment matters. Ironically though, life seems longer when you're suffering, yet flies by when you're happy. So it would seem that the key to a long life is to suffer a lot and be unhappy.
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