Dumb Questions, Dumb Answers

1) Are you an Aunt/Uncle?
Yes, I am an aunt and an uncle. It confuses the kids, but that's half the fun.

2) Can you do a cartwheel?
I mostly just 'do' women. I should think it's probably some sort of felony these days to 'do' a cartwheel. They'd charge me with some sort of obscure sex crime. Anyway, I don't know where exactly I'd find a cartwheel. I can do a roundoff, a handspring, and a flip, either front or back. Do these count for anything?

3) What are your feelings concerning your ex?
My ex what? My ex-track coach? He was a good guy. My ex-basketball coach? He was a good guy, too. My ex-boss? Some of them were not such good guys.

4) Do you eat vegetables regularly?
I wouldn't say she's a vegetable. That'd be rude.

5) How do you feel about your last relationship?
Was that my last one? Oh shit, why doesn't anybody tell me these things?!

6) Do you ever want to hang out with someone of the opposite sex?
Yes, I hang out, but they usually scream and point. Then the police come. Then I get into trouble for all that 'hanging out' and they make me put it away and give fingerprints and DNA and shit.

7) What is the weather like right at this very moment?
Dark, with widely scattered light expected by morning.

8) What is something that you can't wait for?
Sex with Jessica Biel. I mean, I'll wait if she's on her way here, but she said 'when hell freezes over', so waiting is probably pointless.

9) How many times have you been to Canada?
Two times, unless you count the helicopter ride and then it's like 5 'cause we kept crossing over and back, over and back, over and back.

10) Have you ever had a reptile as a pet?
No, but I had one as a coworker once.

11) What is your favorite fruit?
Richard Simmons cracks me up a bit.

12) What song is on your myspace profile right now?
I don't know. Go look and tell me what you find. It used to be something by Regina Spektor and then I think I switched to Elvis, but I can't remember anymore. I'm not there much.

13) Who was your last missed call on your cell phone?
Jessica Biel. DAMMIT!

14) Where are you most ticklish?
The police station.

15) How many hours a week do you normally work?
40 to 50, not counting all the work I do at home. You know, if husbands were paid for all the work we do at home our salary would be 100 bazillion dollars. Yeah, 'cause we're considered consultants and we get to set our own hourly rates. Pay up, biatch!

16) Who's your number 1 on myspace?
Carmen Electra. No wait, she totally refused to add me. Bitch!

17) Do you have deep dark secrets?
Yes, I killed Kennedy, but don't tell anyone. I've totally fooled everyone into believing that I wasn't born yet when that happened.

18) When was the last time you were sick?
Well, Queen Latifah was on the TV about 3 hours ago and I felt pretty nauseous, let me tell you. The bitch ain't funny and she ain't pretty and she can't act. There's only one reason she's on the TV and everyone knows it.

19) What color is your car?

20) How many siblings do you have?
1 brother, 3 sistah soul sistahs

21) Have you ever gotten caught sneaking out?
No, my parents were mostly unconcious and unconcerned by the time I came along

22) Did you ever try running away from home when you were younger?
Probably, but look where it led me. I was better off back in Alabama.

23) What makes you the happiest?
I'm still trying to figure that one out.

24) How do you feel when you see a child at the store throwing a "Tantrum"?
I feel like breaking out the old air horn and blasting the punk with freon-powered sound. There, how do YOU like it?

25) Where do you want to be right now?

26) Have you ever finished a Rubik's Cube?
Many times. I'm a geek like that.

27) Who are you thinking about right now?
Well, as soon as I mentioned Australia I immediately thought of ... Kylie Minogue. No, I'm kidding. I was thinking of a certain blonde Aussie who had her Buddha stolen by a neighbor who thought it was a garden gnome that she was throwing out.

28) When was the last time you rode a bike?
Weeks ago, I guess, although if you count my getting an enema from the bicycle seat as I tried to manuver past the bikes to get to the riding mower out in the building earlier today, then I rode today.

29) Do you have any vacation plans for this summer?
I plan to buy a crotch rocket and hit the highway, never looking back until I run out of gas and money to buy more. I may ride all the way to Brazil if I'm not careful.

30) Where were you 1 hour ago?
In my truck driving like a bat out of hell down a dark country road.

31) Who will be your next kiss?
Shannon Elizabeth. I've finally found her home address and you know I'm the Super Stalker. She's in for a big wet surprise. I hope she isn't armed.

32) Do you kiss a lot of people?
Legally? No, not so much.

33) Are you wearing socks right now?
Socks, L.L. Bean leather houseshoes, Bazooka pajama pants and a Camel cigarettes T-shirt. Now let's see you get that image out of your head.

34) When was the last time you went out of state?
Depending on just how windy that dark country road was, I might have done it an hour ago without even realizing it.

35) Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
No, I've been to kings and queens, but I haven't been to the movies in the last 5 days. Oh hell, now that damn song is going to be in my head all night. Stupid '80s sob song!

36) What was the last thing you had to drink?
Your blood. Blah blah!

37) What are you wearing right now?
Did I not just tell you this? Aren't you paying attention? Fine. I'm wearing a giant yellow chicken suit.

38) What was your last purchase?
Sex from the woman across the street. She's expensive, but not as expensive as Eliot Spitzer's woman, that's for sure. Although, come to think of it, they look a lot alike. Kristen, is that you?

39) Last thing you ate?
Dead cow, grilled, covered in ketchup, and placed between two buns. Mmm mmm.

40) Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Do condoms count as clothing items?

41) Are you a sexual predator?
More of a sexual dieter.

43. Three words to explain why you last threw up?
I was sick.

45. What was the last movie you watched?
Death Proof, with Kurt Russell, a man who will always be, to me, The Strongest Man in the World.

46. Do you think Barbie is a negative role model for young girls?
No, I think Hillary Clinton is. She's like the anti-Barbie.

47. What kind of car does your father drive?
Hearse, and now that he's dead, it's oddly ironic.

48. Do you like scrabble?
Yes, and I can kick your ass in it, too.

49. Where did you attend high school?
At the place where they built it, of course.

50. Favorite scent?
Carmen Electra, lightly moist and gently plastered.

51. Do you like mornings?
Mornings, noons and nights.

52. Last TV program you watched?
Oh, good Lord, you know, I don't remember.

53. Spell your name with no vowels?
yr nm

54. Does your neighbor have an animal that annoys you?
It's mostly his stereo and that truck with the turbo muffler that annoys me. Especially at 2 am.

55. Does your family own any boats?
First we'd have to decide whether I technically even have a family. And then, either way, the answer would still be no. Unless you count in-laws.

56. Something you can't live without.

57. Do you wear flip flops constantly?
Yes, I wear them like a G-string. One on the front and one on the back. It makes me look like I'm packin' for the ladies, but it also make me look like I've crapped my pants. I try to only let the women see me from the front for that reason.

59. Do you have air conditioning in your room?
My room? What, like I live with my parents and I only get one room? I have air conditioning in my house, biatch. And a furnace, too. And a gas fireplace that we never freakin' use, too. Yeah! And a stove and a tankless water heater and a big-assed garage stuffed full of my cars. What do you think about that?!

60. Have you ever kissed your dog?
Why would you ask me that? What kind of perverted freak are you?!

61. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
In a van, down by the river!

62. How often do you read books?
Every day. But only one page per day. By the time I reach the end I have to start over again because I've totally forgotten what happened.

65. Describe the computer you are currently using?
It has a monitor and a keyboard and a mouse and a pair of DD hooters and a fine, fine ass.

66. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?
Out where? Out streaking? 2 seconds. Out to church? Quite a bit longer.

67. Will you donate your organs after you pass?
I pass all the time. You want them to take my organs just for that? It's just gas, dude, chill out.

68. Have you been outside of the USA?
Yes, but don't tell anyone.

69. Would you ever get your nipple pierced?
Not on purpose.

70. If you could pick one person to be with forever who would it be?
Shannon Elizabeth, but she has to be naked the entire time.

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