1. Name and Gender:
Memphis is my name. I don't have a 'gender' - I have a 'sex' and it's male. Gender is for nouns, biotch.
2. What describes your relationship situation?:
I'm married in Tennessee, e-married in Sydney, e-separated in Toronto, and e-stalking in Wisconsin.
3. Where were you three hours ago?:
In a meeting with God. He said you're in big trouble.
4. What was the last show you watched?:
I don't know. Probably a football game. Anyone else notice that CBS refuses to show the cheerleaders?
6. What kind of sun glasses do you wear?:
The kind that help block the sun from your eyes, especially the UV parts of the sun.
7. Who was your last conversation with and what was it about?:
My boss, about various projects and people I'm assigned to kill. Oops, I shouldn't have said that.
9. What kind of cell phone do you have?:
Verizon LG Super Secret Agent Shoe Phone
10. Color of your shirt?
Black, or as they say in South Africa, Bleck
11. Do you hate anyone?
I kill as a matter of professional courtesy, not out of hate. It's nothing personal.
12. Ever had sex for money?
Yes, but then she wouldn't pay, so I had to kill her.
13. What kind is your underwear?
The kind that you wear around your privates.
14. Ever been to the beach at night?
Yes, and sometimes even with clothes on.
15. What is on your wallpaper on your phone?
I never put any on it, but there are a few coffee stains and a little blood.
16. Are you a bad influence?
It depends on how bad you were when I met you.
17. What was the last argument you had about?
Do these jeans make my butt look fat?
No, but your butt sure is stretching the hell out of those jeans.
18. Rather have your name or your siblings name?
I'll stay with mine. It would just confuse things at Christmas otherwise.
19. Have a crush on anyone?
Sure, I love you, babe. - David Cassidy actually said that to Vanna White once. It was SO funny 'cause it sounded SO '70s and he was serious. Anyway .... me? Have a crush on someone? Nooooooooooo, never.
20. Do they like you back?
Oh, who the hell knows.
21. Favorite color right now?
Bleck
22. Ever held a baby?
Nobody puts Baby in a corner!
23. Last song you heard?
Hey There Vagina - by Steph
24. Wear glasses?
No, last time I was checked I had 20/15 vision. Then again, I've seen a lot of porn since then, so it may have deteriorated some and I just don't know it yet.
25. Last thing someone bought you?
Apparently someone bought me some porn using my credit card just yesterday morning. Discovercard called to tell me all about it and now I don't have a Discovercard anymore until the new one arrives. Yay!
26. Have you lost your respect for anyone recently?
Well, don't tell her, 'cause I swore I'd still respect her in the morning, but yeah, just a little bit.
27. Does your best friend have a myspace?
That would depend on who is my best friend. It could be you, for the right price.
28. Whose page did you visit last?
Bettie Page - she's still got it, baby!
29. Speak to any of your ex's?
I haven't heard from any of them in a long time. I don't even know where they live anymore, and I really don't care. But as for my O's, I talk to them all the time.
30. Where is your phone?
I keep it in the crack of my ass because it's so annoying to have it banging around in my pocket. Whenever it rings, I just fart and out it comes, all flipped open and ready to go. Thank God for that speakerphone option, though, 'cause ain't no way I'm ever putting it up to my face again.
31. Do you paint your nails Or get them done?
No, I am not gay or Goth or stoned.
32. How often do you get your hair done?
Done? I get it cut. I don't get it 'done' though. That sounds like a mindfuck. 'Yeah, my hair just got done. Now it's having a cigarette and enjoying the afterglow.'
33. Would you rather have a bouquet of flowers bought for you or a single one?
I don't care anything about flowers. If some beautiful woman sent me flowers or a flower I'd be far more interested in who she was. Otherwise, why am I getting flowers and what am I supposed to do with them?
34. Do you like shopping?
For new tools or hookers maybe, but not in general.
35. If you had kids, what would you name them?
Boy: Viagra Cialis Cunnilingus Jones
Girl: Propecia Abreva Vagisil Jones
WHERE iS 36-38??
The IRS took them as part of that damned Alternative Minimum Tax.
39. Do you watch Family Guy regularly?
No, I regularly never watch Family Guy.
40. Do you like your job or school?
My job is a job. It pays me money. I spend the money on hookers and beer. I like hookers and beer. Therefore I have a job.
41. Do you read trashy romance novels often?
No, but if they had pictures I might.
42. If you could go on vacation where would you go?
A whorehouse on a beach in Thailand. If they only had a whorehouse inside the Jack Daniels distillery, and moved the whole thing to a nice beach in the Caribbean, it would be heaven. Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?
43. Do you sing in the car?
I sing just like Boy George whenever the cops pull me over.
"Do you really wanna hurt me? Do you really want to make me cryyyyyyy?"
44. Do you ever sing in the shower?
No, but sometimes I fart very melodically. My shower has excellent tonal qualities.
45. What's in your CD player right now?
A porn DVD. I can't see the pictures, but I can hear them moaning. It keeps me awake during rush hour.
46. Last person to tell you they loved you?
My real estate agent after collecting that commission. Good God!
47. How often are you on The Blog?
Some days I'm on and off all day long. Other days I'm so busy I barely have time to fart and I don't get to visit anyone's fabulous blogs at all. It doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means I'm making money for them hookers and beer.
48. Britney Spears or Paris Hilton?
No, please. I don't even want to tap that ass. Herpes is for life.
49. What's your biggest fear?
That God is a lesbian feminist and this is all just a giant mindfuck.
50. Do you dream? Are they bad?
I have a recurring dream that I'm having sex with beautiful women in foreign lands, and then they all blog about my sexual prowess in bed. I think in my last dream I was with some brunette in Sydney, Australia and she kept calling me "Hillsong Boy" or something like that. I think I really impressed her.
51. When that person said they loved you, did they mean it?
Oh, I doubt it, but I paid them enough that I should have at least gotten a hooker out of the deal.
52. What does your last text say?
"Bumper sticker in front of me: my other ride is a U.S. sailor"
53. From who?
Erin the Great
54. Last person spoke to on the phone?
Mary from the Discovercard Fraud Detection Unit
55. Do you like to dance?
How drunk am I? It directly correlates to that. If you've ever seen me dance then you know why.
And apparently, that is all. Don't cry, though. I'm sure I'll have more irrelevant self-centered bullshit to tell you about myself later this week. Try not to miss me too much until then. I know it's hard, but just remember that I love you and you can always send money to express your feelings for me any time you please. The more money, the more you love me.
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