A Survey, a Meme, a Thing I stole from Lucie on MySpace

From the original: "Here's a survey (bulletin) for the lonely/boring times

My snarky little brother posted it & I didn't feel like going through & deleting his replies... a few were somewhat amusing. Just not as amusing as Nude Memphis" (oh YEAH, baby!)

OK, here are MY answers, not her snarky brother's:

1. Would you bang your neighbor?
I met a few of my new neighbors at a Christmas party last week and I can honestly say, sure, why not. The hottest woman at the party left just about the time I arrived, which means either I was really, really late, which I was, or else she looked at me and said 'psycho - get me out of here'. If I ever see her again I'll chase her down, tackle her, and ask which it was.

2. What words describes your last relationship?
Heart breaking

3. Do you think it's fair to add whatever questions you want to a survey or meme when there are several numbers missing?
I'm doing it right now, baby!

4. What's the last movie you saw?
Amelie, a French movie with subtitles that I watched while flying high on medicine. It turned out to be pretty good, though, and she was a hottie, so when she finally got naked I was really glad I sat through the entire thing. Or maybe I hallucinated that.

5.I've come to realize the last person who held my hand...
Doesn't know what love is

6. What is your middle name.
It's the name between my first and last name.

7. Who have you talked to most today
I'm not sure if I've spoken to anyone all morning. This is the exciting life of a Genius. I probably have my most open conversations with my PC. I say, "You are a worthless piece of shit" and he responds, "I'm crashing now." We're completely straight with each other.

8. Do you carve pumpkins every year?
No, I carve single women that I've lured into my van. No wait, that was the medicine again. I think I passed out in front of "Criminal Minds" the other night. It's always the white male on CBS. I don't even have to watch anything beyond the first 5 minutes to know how the story is going to go. I'm sure somewhere in their office building is a big old banner saying "always blame the white man". That's the CBS company motto.

9. Color of your boxers?
Blue, with green Grinches all over them. Or maybe it's the Cat in the Hat? I can't remember.

10. Color of your shirt?
Bangladesh blue with strings perpetually hanging off that I swear I cut off every day. Do we manufacture ANYTHING in America anymore?

11. I'm always ...
gassy like a Saudi oil well

12. Who's on speed dial 2? 4? 6?
Jessica Biel, Carmen Electra, Jennifer Love Hewitt

13. Honestly, how many boys/girls have u been in love with?
No boys, couple of girls

14. What’s your favorite season?
Fuck season.

15. How do you feel right now?
So tired, I'm not even sure if I'm really writing this or it's just a dream, a really, really lame dream.

16. Are you a bad influence?
Are you a worse person than me? If so, then no, you are. If not, then yes - hey c'mere, I wanna show you something.

17. If you could live your life over again, would you be willing to stop here and go back?
Yes, I'd go back to 9th grade and screw my way through school. I would major in finance, which is easy as hell, and make a fortune on the market 'cause I'd already know what is going to go big and what is going to crash when.

18. Rather have your name or your siblings name?
My parents were nothing if not uncreative. Each of our names are equally boring and uninspired. I spent most of my childhood thinking my name was 'Number Five'.

19. Would you do anything for someone else?
No, not a thing for anyone. Get off my blog.

20. Have you ever been called a bitch?
When I was 7 years old, Mike Polites couldn't come up with a decent comeback to any of the plethora of curse words I was pelting him with, so he called me a 'bitch' and then said "that's worse 'cause it means you're a girl." Who knew that Mike was so far ahead of his time and the entire black community? Had any feminists caught him saying this, though, he wouldn't have survived to see the day that black men everywhere were using his idea in rap music. Even now, Oprah Winfrey has a team of 'antifeminist hunters' out looking for him. I hear he's had to go into hiding down in Argentina somewhere.

21. Do you drink, smoke and chew, and do you go with girls who do?
I'd go with Carmen Electra if she snorted Pixie Sticks through her nose. I don't care how healthy her habits are. I just wanna dance the Vajayjay with her.

22. What is your ringtone?
It depends on who's calling. For you, the ringtone is "The Stripper". You probably don't even remember why, do you? Yeah, we told you that you passed out, but we didn't tell you what you did before you passed out. You're a YouTube star, baby!

23. What song is on?
On what? I have no radio here. You want me to play a song on my PC? OK, I choose "Dancing Queen" by Abba, because I feel like a disco fag in this shirt right now. Ooh, where is my Trans Am? I should get some half-boots to go with these shiny plastic pants. And grow a porn mustache. Yeah, baby! See why I don't listen to music at work? This is your fault.

24. Are your grades good?
I might have good grades if I were to go back to school. I'm thinking I should get an MBA and start a car wash. Doesn't this sound like a great idea? Woo hoo! Workin' at the car wash, yeah! Sorry, still got that whole disco thing in my head. Lemme find some Black Sabbath and blast it right out of there.

25. Do u hate anyone?
I hate the whole world, man. The devil sends the beast with wrath because he knows the ... oops, that's not Sabbath. Sorry, I picked the wrong song. Iron Maiden is for gym workouts only. Otherwise I start heaving printers through walls and shit.

26. Does your best friend have a myspace?
I don't have a best friend. If you pay me or blow me you can be my best friend and from then on, whenever I get a thing like this asking me about my best friend, I'll point everyone to you, OK?

27. Have you ever slept with your best friend's sister/brother
No, but if I had it all to do over again, I would. I was such a mangled up mental case growing up and they were so ready to go. What a waste!

28. Last time you went out to lunch?
Last week sometime. I think we went to ... um ... a cheap pizza buffet place, where you get a whole lot of not very good pizza for a lot of money. You can tell who their regular customers are because they're all really fat. It was crap.

29. Does the opposite sex find you attractive?
Usually they find me standing outside their windows in the bushes. And after that, the police find me hiding under a car or up a tree. Did you know they'll Taser you even while you're up a tree, and then let you fall on your head? Yeah, spread the word. This is important to keep in mind.

30. Who is your favorite character from Friends?
Monica, 'cause when that show was new and they were all about 21, she was SMOKIN'. Then again, so was Rachel. You pretty much couldn't go wrong with either of them, but Monica was the hotter of the two at first.

31. Do you have a tattoo?
A midget who calls me 'Boss' and tells me when a plane is landing in my lagoon? No, I've never had one of those.

32. Do you want one?
No, I'd rather have a hot 25-year-old woman do that job for me.

33. Do you have one or more britney spears CDs?
No, I can't say that I do. But Jessica Simpson is asleep in my guest room right now. Maybe I could ask her if she's got any I could borrow just to make you happy?

34. What did you do last night?
Ate at an Italian restaurant and then moved boxes of crap around in the garage. Whee, SO exciting. I had to take Jessica to the airport so she could go to the Cowboys game to be with her bo, but I hear she's dumping him after last night. I don't know why. Who won that game, by the way?

35. Are you a "Lost" fanatic?
All I know is that a huge cast of actors are on Gilligan's Island and there is a WWII plane in a tree, which fell out and hurt some guy, and a fat guy with lots of hair from the last season of "Becker" is there, and I have no fucking idea what is going on.

36. Say you were given a drug test right now. Would you pass or fail?
It depends on what drugs they were looking for. If they're testing for Nyquil or Robitussin, I'd be in BIG trouble.

37. Do you have a song by Ozzy Osbourne in your library?
Just one? Yes, I do. I have many. Take your pick. Hey, you know that whole "Momma, I'm coming home" song seemed really lame and pathetic until I found out that he calls his wife "momma." I thought, why is a 60-year-old man going home to live with his mother and not totally ashamed of this?

38 through 41 confiscated by Department of Homeland Security
You bastards!

42. What's the last thing you bought?
Probably a DVD or CD. I haven't actually clicked the "process order" button on Amazon yet, but I have a bunch of DVDs in my shopping cart over there right now. No wait, the last thing I've bought was flowers for Ashley! Now I remember. Last week is a blur to me. Merry Christmas, Ashley! Make those boys jealous. You deserve some attention, dammit! A beautiful girl should not be ignored.

43. What's the last thing someone bought you?
Silk Santa boxers with a little red hat. Don't ask. I think there's some fuzzy handcuffs involved, but I won't know until Christmas.

44. Do you ever sing in the shower?
Only when I'm having sex. No wait, that's her. I grunt rhythmically.

45. What's in your CD player right now?
Dirt, apparently. "Mamma, I'm ... Mamma, I'm .... Mamma, I-I-I-I-I" - DAMMIT!!!!

46. What’s your favorite movie?
I don't know. Something involving a lot of beautiful naked women, probably. Like "Bufford's Beach Bunnies" starring Tom Hanks' younger brother. That shit was FUNNY.

47. If you had a chance to do porn, would you?
Wow, they've REALLY dropped their standards, haven't they?

48. Do you believe everyone has a soulmate?
No, this is some shit Oprah made up in the late 20th century to make bitter feminists feel better about sleeping with their dog because they can't find a man willing to put up with all their shit. They console each other by saying "you just haven't found your soulmate yet." Yes, you have. He heard you whining on and on about hating men and ran off.

49. Can you sing?
Like a finely tuned lawnmower.

50. Do you have any deep emotional issues that you haven't dealt with?
What are you implying, you fuckwad? There's nothing wrong with me! I don't have a problem, YOU'VE got the problem!

51. Have you ever been to another country?
Yes, but they sent me back. Now they tell me I'll need a passport before they'll let me out again.

52. Have you ever committed a crime in another country?
No, 16 is legal in Canada. Anyway, that was a long time ago and I was on drugs, which are also legal in Canada. Pretty much everything is legal in Canada, really. That's why we go there.

53. Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization?
No, I'm mostly a freak about thigh-high leather boots and fuzzy handcuffs. She's a very kinky girl, the kind you don't take home to mother. I'm Rick James, bitch!

54. Have you ever been to South America or Africa?
No, but I chased a red hot Brazilian girl in college for awhile. I was too much of a loser to get her, though, and she moved off to Florida to make her fortune. Leah (lay-UH) Perez was her name. She had a hot younger sister named Regina. They were both so hot, if they stood too close together, men burst into flames.

55. Do you know how to knit?
Why, did you rip your yarn panties or something?

56.Do you have a job?
As long as I don't spend too much time answering this, I do.

57. Have you ever written love song lyrics yourself and put them on mypace?
I wrote a lame-assed song to go with a melody that was stuck in my head after listening to Regina Spektor songs all day. It didn't make any sense to anyone because no one knew what the melody in my head was, but I didn't care because I'm really selfish like that.

58. What are you doing right now besides this survey?
Looking for a Kleenex while I pull my underwear out of my ass.

59. If you had to leave the country you're in and go live in a different country, where would you go?
Everyone who knows me has heard the rumor that I'm packing my bags right now to go to Australia and marry Steph. Even Steph has heard this. That's why she changed her locks and bought new pepper spray. That stuff really hurts, by the way. And she doesn't even have good aim. It just goes everywhere.

60. Baskin Robbins or Coldstone?
I'm not so picky that I'd turn down one over the other. I'll take either one, but Coldstone is better and Baskin Robbins may be building a place here in The Boondocks where I am.

61. Physics or chemistry?
I liked both. In chemistry you got to blow shit up. In physics, you got to calculate how fast you could push a race car before it flew off the track and crashed into the cheap seats. Wait, I blew something up in physics lab once. But it had nothing to do with the experiment we were doing. I just got bored and my lab instructor was a suckwad from India who didn't speak English well enough to figure out how to yell at me for blowing up the lab table, so he just looked at me, as I was sitting there with smoke pouring off of me and my lab partner. Then he turned and went back to writing on the board without saying a word. I couldn't believe I got away with that. None of the lab instructors in the science building at UAH speak English, so you can get away with all kinds of shit.

62. Facebook or Myspace?
I don't care. It's not like I own stock in one of them or somehow make any money from them.

63. Do you wear any jewelery?
My cock ring is chaffing.

64. What's the stupidest thing you've ever done?
I can't remember her name.

65. G's or R's?
I'd like to buy a vowel, Vanna.

66. Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars?
I'll do Hermoine from Harry Potter, although Fleur del Acore would be fine, too. From Lord of the Rings, I'd like to do the New Zealand woman who played the king's daughter who ended up sticking a sword in the Ring wraith's face. And from Star Wars, I'd do Natalie Portman, but first I'd tie her up, 'cause she's just a tad freaky. Is this the question or did I misunderstand?

67. Fly or road trip?
I'd fly if I could get on without having to spend 2 days in the fucking airport getting raped by affirmative action Feds who never find my guns, but always manage to steal shit and make me walk around naked while they're Tasering some poor lost Polish man to death.

68. Batman, Spiderman, or Superman?
I'd do Batgirl. Spiderwoman sucked so bad, I don't think they even tried to make a movie for her. I seem to recall Supergirl super-kicking some guying in the groin in her lame-assed movie, so she can sleep alone with her dog for all I care.

69. What's your favorite Disney movie?
Anything made before Walt died and the gay pedophiles took over is better than the twisted shit they've made since.

70. (added by Tony) Anything you wanna say to people reading this?
Blow me and be my best friend!

OK, now I'm going to tag people to do this quiz just for the fuck of it. And also I'm not going to tell them I've tagged them. I'm fucking lazy and my head is spinning like a stripper on a freshly oiled pole.

I tag:

Bella, who was just here a minute ago
Bottle Blonde, my workout partner
ADW The Ex-Hooters Girl, who is feeling stressed and is going to beat me up
Shrinking Kitty, Melbourne's wildest girl gone wild
Steph, my e-wife who was e-divorcing me, causing me to become e-depressed until she changed her e-mind
Kylie, who never reads my shit or comments on it even after I sent $400 in purses to the address she gave me
Lightning Bug's Butt, who NEVER accepts tags or does memes
Stacy The Peanut Queen, 'cause she's sick with the same thing I am
President Bush, 'cause he's a funny guy when he's drunk
Mohatma Ghandi, he was a fashionista and didn't know it
Mohammad, 'cause us white terrorism targets want to know what's he all about, dude
The Easter Bunny, cause he leaves eggs in my yard and they rot and stink like ass

OK, so that's who I tag for this. I love this cold medicine. Oooh, pretty colors!

chinese stoner
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