Lesbian Dreams Aren't Always Bad Dreams

Clearly I need to be more careful what I do, see, or think about right before bed. The other night I was looking at my stomach in the mirror and not feeling very happy about the sad state of my "abs" and then I go and dream all night that I'm running around naked. That was not fun for anyone, let me tell you.

The very next night, last night, right before bed, I was on my computer reading a blog comment from Spiky Zora Jones about a dream she had involving sex with her, Shrinking Kitty, Kylie, and Steph the retired blogstar, as my favorite show, "Penn and Teller's Bullshit," was ending and "The Real L Word" was coming on my TV, which I thought I had mostly ignored.

Well, I say I mostly ignored the TV, but apparently I had not ignored it nearly enough, because when I went to sleep, guess what I dreamed about?

No, no, not about Spiky, Kitty, Kylie and Steph all having lesbian sex together, but you're close.

We're lesbians with great cheekbones!

I dreamed I was hired to be the lone hetero male cast member on "The Real L Word" because they wanted to see how it would stir things up to have a straight guy in the midst of a group of rich Hollywood lesbians and their partner-swapping drunken Yiddish sex parties.

Seriously, this is what I dreamed.

So anyway, it was awkward and weird and I think I ended up being assigned to live with Whitney, the tattooed and dreadlocked cutie with the high cheekbones that make her mouth look like it's in a perpetual smile who routinely sleeps with another ex-girlfriend right in front of her current girlfriend every time she gets drunk. The dream was less about sex than you might think, what with it being a dream based on what I had just seen on the TV and thought I had ignored. Never on the show did I see any of the Showtime Lesbians having sex with any man. Consequently, never in my dream did any of them express the slightess desire to have sex with me. Not that this in any way differs from how it would likely be in real life either. Sorry if my dream disappoints any of you, but this is how it went.

There was lots and lots of lesbian cheating drama, only marginally involving me, and I finally got to ask them about how the hell they can jump from girl to girl without giving a crap about how the girl they're cheating on feels, and right in front of her, even. I can't remember if anyone ever answered me, but it led to more drama and then the dream ended, as I woke up with a strong need to pee before going back to sleep again.

After getting up to pee and then climbing back into bed, I dreamed that I got a call from the famous Steph, retired blogger, whom I once swore I would never blog about again, only to have her pop up in this funky dream. For some odd reason she and her best friend, Kylie, a much celebrated former blogger in her own right, were coming to town for some work-related formal dinner meeting or something and they had decided that they were going to stay at my place. Yeah, it's only a dream so somehow this all made sense at the time. I was excited, as you might imagine, and ran around trying to get ready for them to arrive as if the phone hadn't just rang with Steph far off in Australia telling me they were on their way.

In the real world a flight from Australia to Memphis is about 20 hours long, but in my dream Steph and Kylie showed up at my door not 10 minutes after I hung up the phone. Kylie had a big grin on her face and was cracking on me from the minute she came inside. Steph seemed friendly enough, but less enthusiastic. For most of the dream I was fumbling around trying to get them set up in their rooms and make sure they had everything they needed. I tripped over things and fell down a lot. I was hyper and they gave me a hard time about it.

When it was time for the big event that they were supposed to go to, Steph told me that I needed to get dressed because I was supposed to come with them. They were both dressed up in what I suppose my brain thought were evening gowns. Evening gowns and very expensive shoes. This IS Steph we're talking about and apparently the part of my brain that generates dreams just assumed her shoes would be strappy and glittery and have serious heels on them. Kylie's too. I think this may have been the only dream I have ever had in which I even noticed the existence of shoes. How appropriate, considering who it was about.

I could not find my suit. I fumbled around. The house kept changing. Things got off-track, and before I knew it, they were off without me in a big, glittery, silver Lexus.

Before I even had time to feel upset at being left behind, I woke up. And I had a smile on my face. I felt great. It was pouring rain outside and yet for some odd reason these super funky dreams left me feeling energized and ready to start the day with a smile. Clearly I must be sick or something

I have to say, this was one of the weirdest night of dreams I've had since .... the night before.

kylie and steph dream
Sorry, no time to wait. See ya.
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