News and Commentary

Drunken female passengers force flight to land in Germany

OK, please don't take this the wrong way or think I'm being mean. You all know how much I love Australia and especially Australian women, but when I saw this headline the first thing that popped into my head was that there must have been some Aussie girls on that plane having a damn good time. As it turned out, the women were a pair of Brits, aged 26 and 27, and the entire incident, including one of the women assaulting a stewardess' head with a bottle of vodka, was handled by police in Frankfurt Germany without a single person being tasered to death or anything.

Fla. woman attacked by fox, then shot in the leg

Apparently a Florida couple freaked out at the sight of a fox in their yard. So the husband accidently shot his wife in the leg when the fox jumped on her. We have a fox running around in our neighborhood, but it never even occurred to me to try to use it as an excuse to shoot my wife. I wonder if it has occurred to her to use it as an excuse to shoot me? I hope not. I was mostly just ignoring it until now.

No bomb in Quantas Jet Hole

A Quantas jet was forced to land when a huge section of the jet suddenly blew up, leaving a gaping hole in the side of the Australian airliner. It was all very odd and unsettling, but it does absolutely nothing to dampen my desire to be on one of those jets bound for Australia just as soon as possible. Also, I plan to use the phrase 'jet hole' in a conversation just as soon as possible.

Angry man shoots lawn mower for not starting

And then he called it a "cunt bopper"! No, but seriously, this sounds like something I'd do. That'll teach that damn lawn mower not to start. See how you like this big fucking hole in the side of your engine since you don't feel like running today, biatch! BLAM!!!

Three children jailed for armed holdup

Three toddlers in Beijing held up a jewellery shop at gunpoint. Meanwhile, the Chinese government continues to ban anyone from driving cars in Beijing because they need their air to be breathable in time for the Olympics. I'm thinking a crime wave of armed diaper-wearing Chinese bandits might be a bit of a problem for the image of the city as well, but what do I know?

No pro-Obama media bias, says Jim Lehrer of PBS' 'NewsHour'

Ah yes, because Jim Lehrer and PBS are renowned for being so fucking objective, aren't they? Um, that would be a 'NO'

Mars lander has trouble getting sample in oven

NASA sent the Mars lander up with an Easy-Bake oven for reasons no one can figure out. Rumor has it there was a mistake in the wording of a proposal and the US Congress, being a bunch of fucking rocket scientists one and all, never noticed that they were approving $10 billion to launch a toy oven to Mars. Sooooo, cupcakes anyone?

Impact on wildlife limited in Miss. River spill

Yes, all the homeless drunken bums who inhabit the parks along the Mississippi River were safely herded off to the zoo where they have been living with the monkeys. Most of the bums said they were unaware that anything had changed except that the monkeys wouldn't cough up any money no matter what sob story they tried to give them. Other than that, they are happy there.

Obama: Iran should take U.S. seriously

Yes, and they probably would if not for the plethora of retarded morons we keep electing to 'lead' our country. As if the latest 2 candidates for the White House are any sort of improvement. I'm sure Iran is watching C-SPAN and shaking in fear every time Obama makes a speech. More likely they're sitting around looking at pictures of him and laughing at his gigantic Dumbo ears.

Debate over black personal responsibility grows

Somehow, some way, they're going to wind up blaming white males for the whole fucking thing. You wait and see.

Bullies face even more health risks than victims

Oh look, a whole new class of potential 'victims'! Now the bullies are victims, too! Because we don't want to leave anyone (except white males) out of the 'I wanna be a victim, too' movement that has swept the West. What were we just saying about Iran not taking the US seriously?

Iowa case raises question: Is stripping an art?

It is if she does it right. Hey, if stripping is an art then can we write off the money we give to the strippers on our taxes? That would be AWESOME!!! "Honey, we don't have enough charitable contributions for this year's tax writde-offs. I'm going to have to go to the Boobie Bungalow and make some contributions. Be back in about 6 hours. See ya!"

Shooter opens fire in Tennessee church, 2 killed

Mary Winkler was just cleaning her shotgun and it 'accidently' went off 8 times in her new church. Not to worry, though, because she assures us that she's the 'real victim' and is doing fine herself. Memphis' two finest criminal defense attorneys, both of whom represented her pro-bono in her last murder trial, immediately drove out to Knoxville to advise her on what to say and how to look as pitiful as possible for the news cameras. Nothing to see here. Everyhing is normal. Move along.

Church wants to buy Memphis Pyramid arena

Isn't the pyramid an Egyptian religious symbol? What sort of church wants to set up shop in a giant glass pyramid exactly?

And now for a little peek into the glamorous world of downtown Memphis ...

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