Tagged - or - This is not what I was about to post

Suthnun tagged me for a brief question and answer session. I feel so special, like one of those weepy celebrities on a Barbara Walters segment. Well, not the black Republican she slept with, obviously, because I would remember that, but maybe Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes or someone like that.

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning of the post. Each player answers the questions about themselves in their post. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

1. What were you doing ten years ago?

Ten years ago I was single, living in Memphis, working out at the gym every night after work, eating lunch every single day with a hot blonde girl I worked with, and engaged to a brunette who lived 200 miles away. Little did I realize how much all of this would change in the next several horrible Memphis years.

2. What are five things on your list to do today?

Today is over. But by the time I publish this it'll be tomorrow, so here is tomorrow's list:
1) study next chapter of Microsoft book
2) study several of the applications I am now responsible for
3) spank the monkey
4) try to catch up on email without spending half the day on it
5) find Jessica Biel's house and have sex with her (I always try to include at least one really big goal just to motivate myself.)

3. Snacks you enjoy?

Jessica Biel, Shannon Elizabeth, Carmen Electra ... wait, these are all just fantasies. Other than the delusions I guess just general edible panties in a variety of fruit flavors are good, or at least they are until she farts in them and after that they have a kind of stale flavor I don't much care for.

4. Things You Would Do If You Were A Billionaire?

I would buy Men's Health Magazine and make it an actual Men's magazine like it used to be before the man who founded it died and his wife and daughters took it over, tossing them out along with lots of the girlie shit they put in. And of course I would add a two page spread in every issue encouraging men to fight for their own rights for a change because real men don't let themselves get raped by crooked politicians like a bunch of stump-trained pussies. After that I would buy a house on the beach in Miami to waste all my time in the sand and ocean there until winter, at which point I would buy a house on the beach in Sydney and waste the rest of my time there, surfing and scuba diving. If any hot girls showed up wanting to schmooze me for my billions I would gladly let them. Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "but Steve, when would you find time to run the magazine you bought?" Yes, I would do that at night when everyone else is watching Big Brother on TV. I don't like reality TV, so that would leave me free to build my publishing empire during the nighttime hours. And also, while I was living in Sydney, if any Australian girls who happen to be bloggers and know me through this blog happened to come over to see me, I wouldn't mind that at all. I'd even pay for all the alcohol and maybe a live band while I tried to get them as drunk as possible. Rich guys are supposed to take advantage of beautiful girls like that, you know? It's in the rules.

5. Three of your bad habits?

1) Cussing loudly at various inanimate objects, such as my computer or my truck or various other things that can't hear me and aren't going to respond no matter how loud I yell.
2) Not properly differentiating between important tasks that must get done and unimportant things like email, which piles up faster than the poofy dress of a high school girl on prom night.
3) Not downloading enough porn from the internet. I really should do more of this. I just can't seem to find the time. It's just all this damned email that keeps me from accomplishing anything else, like streaming Jenna Jameson.

6. Five places you have lived?

1) Rocketown
2) Memphis, TN
3) Snootyville, TN
4) Redneckville, TN
5) The Boondocks, TN

7. Five jobs you’ve had?

I was called a 'host' at the Baptist Student Union at the University of Absolute Hell. Basically I greeted anyone who came in while I was scrubbing the toilets and emptying the tampons out of the shiny metal boxes hanging in the girls bathroom stalls. So exciting.

At the same time that I had that job, I had another job as a Systems Analyst for the Engineering Department. I was their computer virus expert and saved them from thousands and thousands of dollars worth of damage. They showed their gratitude by paying me very badly, and then laying me and all of my coworkers off when they decided to steal the System Adminstration budget for the summer term and divide it up amongst the various departments. I thanked them by removing all the virus protection I had put into place just before leaving for my new job as an engineering aide at a major aeronautics manufacturer.

At the new job, I was paid three times as much money as I had received at either of my previous jobs scrubbing toilets and computer viruses, but still wasn't treated well. This would prove to be a pattern which I soon realized is simply how corporations are.

My fourth job was as a NASA contractor, where I worked on software for the Space Shuttle. Few people realize it, but the Shuttle uses equipment and software that is older than most college students. The reason for this is simple: government sucks. The engineers at NASA know all too well that anything the federal government is involved with will be loaded with affirmative action and other political bullshit, resulting in a product that is completely worthless and potentially fatal to the astronauts. So when they do manage to get something that works, no matter how old and unexciting it may be, they hang onto it with a death grip for as long as they possibly can. That's why the Shuttles we are using to this day are all about 30 years old.

My fifth job was at an overnight shipping company in Memphis. I wrote software while getting screwed by sociopaths on their way into management, where they quickly proved to be incompetent and were subsequently demoted. Everything I wrote for that company is still being used today, as a former coworker recently told me, and the company seems to be stuck in a rut. Perhaps if they didn't promote incompetent assholes into management they might still be doing well?

8. How did you name your blog?

I said to myself, "what do I have to do in order to get people to come to my blog? No one is going to come read this. I have to make it show up in Google searches as often as possible. How would I do that? Hmm, maybe if I named it 'Nude pictures of Britney Spears' then people would come by?" I thought about this and eventually shortened the name to Nude Memphis instead, figuring all I really needed was the word "nude" in the title. Apparently I was right.

So there you have it. I was about to post something else, but ran into a problem and couldn't. Then I saw that I had been tagged, so I wrote this instead. I know it fascinates you all to know trivial shit about me because I am truly that important to you, so I hope you haven't become too excited by all of this and wet yourself. I must now tag other bloggers. But I don't know who I should tag. I'm going to fire off the first five names that come to mind and then, if I can find time tomorrow, I'll try to go to their blogs and tell them. Otherwise, they'll probably never know theyu were tagged in the first place.

Five tagged bloggers:
Stacy the Peanut Queen
Mongram Queen
White Rabbit

... how many do I tag again? I think I am done.

You have read this article let's talk about me / meme / narcissism / tag with the title Tagged - or - This is not what I was about to post. You can bookmark this page URL http://thebohemianbunny.blogspot.com/2008/06/tagged-or-this-is-not-what-i-was-about.html. Thanks!
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