Totally Random Mental Shit

A little help, please

This whole living away thing is really rough at times. The emptiness I feel right now is almost severe enough to swallow me up entirely. I find myself cruising to WalMart and spending lots of money on stupid shit just to get out of the house. The old bitches who work there apparently think I'm going to steal everything because they watch me all the time.

Either that, or they're checking out my fine, fine ass.

I went to an air show yesterday. I have a shitload of photos of the Blue Angels, but the batteries in my digital camera died today, leading me to cruise over to WalMart to buy a charger for them just so I can download the photos to the computer. I don't need a charger plus 4 more batteries and for some reason trying to buy just a charger is a big challenge. All the battery manufacturers sell their chargers with 4 batteries. So I ended up with a cheap $5 charger that apparently takes all freakin' night to do the job. My good one is back at the house in Memphis and does the job in 30 minutes, but that's a hell of a drive just to charge some batteries.

Did you know that sometimes the medicine the doctors give you to treat a massive reaction to poison ivy can have worse side effects than the poison ivy itself? My Wife has been living through that hell for the past 6 weeks and she's not happy about it.

I haven't exactly spelled it out, but if you're paying attention then I'll tell you that I'm not currently in Memphis and for the time being I only go back there on weekends. This weekend was special and I did not go home. Instead, home came to me and we went to see the air show together. Then we had some New York style pizza for supper. I have concluded that I don't care much for New York style pizza. It doesn't taste bad. It's just too thin, like a Jew spit on some unleavened bread and then put just a tiny bit of cheese on it and called it a pizza. In fact, that's probably where New York style pizza came from, Jews spitting on unleavened bread.

Yesterday after the air show, the rain came pouring down. I saw the most fantastic rainbow in the most beautiful location ever, but by the time I could find a place to pull over and get my camera out, it was gone. DAMMIT!!!!!

People in this town all think like lemmings. This has inspired me to write a new post about traffic, but I don't feel like finishing it just yet. It's weird coming back here. The lanes are narrow and everyone only uses one of them, and always the same one, while the other 3 or 4 lanes remain completely abandoned and empty. But don't you dare get out of line and use one of the free lanes, because these bitches won't ever let you back into line once your exit comes up. Oh no, that would be CHEATING!

I need a reason for living. I need something that matters that I can hope for. I need a personal trainer, preferably a hot girl named Jennifer, to help me try to reconstruct the man I once was and get rid of this useless piece of shit I have become. I am running and walking a lot, but it's just not inspiring me at all. It's simply a way to burn away the hours between working and sleeping so that I don't feel quite so lonely and stressed. The other night I ran too far for my bladder and had to stop under a bridge to pee. While I was doing that the LOUDEST frog in the entire world began to make horrific frog noises. If I hadn't already been peeing I would have instantly started because it scared the piss out of me. Maybe he was mad because I was pissing under his bridge?

I have broken an important personal rule again. I don't do this often. But since I came to this town and I already knew 4 or 5 beautiful girls here through MySpace, I went ahead and contacted them and told them I was here. I figured if we ran into each other unexpectedly, well, who knows what the hell they might have done? I don't need to be pepper-sprayed or Tasered or castrated with a punt from a pair of Nikes in the middle of WalMart by some hot girl who thinks a stalker from the internet has hunted her down. So, just to try to minimize the likelihood of this occurring I told some of them that I was around. As it happens, I ended up meeting up with one of them face-to-face.

Yes, yes, I know what you're all thinking. You're thinking, "Steve, no one is supposed to ever see your face! All your photos on MySpace and Facebook are total fakes and now the girls will know and see that you're really a huge, fat, black guy with a hair lip and a club foot." Yes, but I decided to risk it anyway. And wouldn't you know, she said she had ALREADY decided that my photos were fakes because of all the Photoshopped images of me with dead presidents and Elvis and shit. So she said that when she finally saw me in real life she was surprised that she recognized me right away.

What the hell am I to make of that? She thought my photos were FAKES? Shit, if I was going to do that I'd pick some model, like the jerkoff who just sent me a friend request today obviously did. I mean, I NEVER meet internet friends face-to-face, so I could totally get away with that. But to not do it and then find out the several girls think I did just kind of messes with my head a little bit.

Anyway, she and I went walking for 2 hours and talked about everything under the sun just as if we'd already known each other for 4 years, which we actually have except that we'd never met in person before that night.

I just bought all 5 seasons of "Get Smart" on DVD. Guess what I'm probably going to be doing on the nights that I don't go running or walking? Yeah, watching porn on Showtime. But if nothing with titties is on Showtime then I'll probably be watching "Get Smart", the original TV series.


Personal Trainer Emergency

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Thursday Things To Think About

"I don't worry about crises anymore. I realize that I'm living on borrowed time. Take things in single steps - work toward solutions."
James Lovell

"The recipe for perpetual ignorance is: Be satisfied with your opinions and content with your knowledge."
Elbert Hubbard

"It may be that those who do most dream most."
Stephen Leacock

"Victory often goes to the army that makes the least mistakes, not the most brilliant plans."
Charles de Gaulle

"A competent leader can get efficient service from poor troops, while an incapable leader can demoralize the best of troops."
John Pershing

"A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away."
Gene Roddenberry

"Appeasers believe that if you keep throwing steaks to a tiger, the tiger will become a vegetarian."
Heywood Broun


And now for something completely different ...




My latest favorite commercial

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Hump Day Meme

Back to School - from Khaki

1. What was your high school decade?
'80s baby! Totally awesome!

2. Are you still friends with your high school friends?
Most of them, yes. Several of them blog now.

3. What was your favorite thing about high school?
Hot girls everywhere I looked!

4. Your least favorite?
Hot girls everywhere I looked and me with a crushing lack of self-confidence.

5. Did you have a high school sweetheart? And how did that work out?
Yes, I did, and that did not work out well at all. She had been through a few bad step-fathers and I had that crushing lack of self-confidence, so together we were a train wreck.

6. Would you do the whole high school thing again, or is it better left in the past?
I would do it over, totally differently this time. But it would be a blast and I wouldn't pass up the chance if I had it.







Ah, remember the good old days?

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Leaving the Past Behind

Goodbye my old friend


I'm leaving you today


Goodbye


Goodbye


goodbye


I asked the salesman, "Have you ever had a customer cry when they traded in their old car?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Only Oldsmobile owners."

I frowned and replied, "Well brace yourself."

Oh how she cried as we drove away and left it behind. So many years. So many miles. So hard to find another quite like it.

And of course they'd sold it to someone new within the week.

Oh well, out with the old, in with the new, and on we go.

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Social Chaos

I saw a rabbit as I pulled into work yesterday morning. He was just sitting in the grass, not moving.

All morning I sat at my desk, trying to absorb a million things and feeling like I'm at the bottom of a mountain getting ready to start an enormous climb. I met my youngest sister for lunch. I don't have a clue what we talked about. The day before, I had had lunch with my oldest sister. I don't know what we talked about, either. Lately, I've been doing a lot of that, having conversations and not remembering a single word afterwards.

After work, when I was home changing clothes, my niece called me. "A friend of mine needs to drop something off for me, but I can't be there. So I told her to drop it off with you instead. Is that OK? She'll be there in about 10 minutes." The instant I hung up the phone a car pulled into the driveway.

A woman got out of the car. I had to look at her twice to be sure. I knew her. I knew her from college. I knew her from high school. What the hell is she doing here? I went outside to greet her, still in my bare feet because I had never finished changing.

I stepped out the front door and walked out onto the driveway. When she saw me, most likely with my usual stupid grin on my face, she stopped and looked twice at me with her mouth open. "What are you doing here?" she asked. "You're .... uh ... John, right? Or no, Steve."

"Yeah, close enough," I replied. "I saw you get out and I knew immediately who you were - Judy S****."

Of course I did. I had once had a big crush on her. I couldn't even get close to her in high school, but I'd had a brief chance in college. I blew it, of course. She never had any interest in me in the slightest. And I could see in her eyes even as we stood there that nothing had changed. She looked at me as if I were a rock or a tree, utterly devoid of feelings beyond mild curiosity. I remember those eyes. She never looks away once she turns her attention to you, never blinks, never flinches. She is a laser beam.

She had been a model in high school. She was our version of Kate Moss, hanging out with bikers and being a bad girl, all the while looking like the cover of a Playboy magazine with her incredible genetics. She dropped the guys to their knees with her looks. And sometimes she beat the shit out of them, but that is a whole different story. She was tough and it was no act.

In college she had changed. Whatever she did, she did 100 percent to the very end. In high school she was a biker babe, a model, a drug dealer, and a bad ass motherfucker. In college she was a Christian and a health fanatic. She went around telling groups about her conversion. It was a dramatic story and when I heard it I realized that I had known only half as much about her as I thought I did. I knew about the drugs, but not how deeply into the hard stuff she had gone or about the addiction. But like I said, whatever she did, she did 100 percent. To say that she's intense would be an understatement.

We talked for about 45 minutes as we stood there in the driveway. I was barefooted. She had a baby in the car and looked back every now and then to check on it. She had had a daughter who died at 11 months and it had torn her marriage apart. I knew about the child. But now she is getting a divorce, or so it appears at this point. He's got a girlfriend and he's living with her, so the odds of a reconciliation seem remote. I told her about my situation, as much as there was to tell. Who knows what we're doing? I'm tired of worrying over it. Whatever will be will be. I know that she thought I was hitting on her, leaping on the fact that she is soon to be single as my second chance. But I wasn't. I was looking in her eyes and I could see nothing. She has beautiful eyes, but they tell you everything you need to know. If she wants you, she will have you. She feels nothing for me.

Perhaps that's best.

Two of my oldest friends had appeared across the street while I talked to the beautiful girl from the past. They were waiting on me. We hadn't spoken, but I could see from the way that they were standing that they were waiting on me to come over. So when the beautiful girl finally said she had to go and drove away, I walked over, still barefoot, and said 'hey'.

They wanted to go to Hooters. I told them that a bunch of our old friends may be meeting at a Mexican place in the opposite direction. They said "you can go if you want. We're going to Hooters." Since the plans for the gathering at the Mexican place had never been finalized, I decided to go with them to Hooters. But they were driving separate cars because one of them had to go somewhere afterwards.

I rode with the friend I hadn't seen in the longest amount of time. We talked about an old friend from high school and how his brother had just died unexpectedly. A thousand people showed up and he had stood there wondering how many of them really knew the guy and how many were just there for other reasons. I found myself thinking that he seemed depressed. Or maybe he wasn't depressed. Maybe he was just tired. Then I remembered that I feel the same way. I wonder if people think I'm depressed? I wonder if I am? I don't even know anymore. I guess it doesn't really matter.

At Hooters we found the parking lot full. We ended up parking at a hotel which just happens to be owned by the family of the guy who had recently died. When we walked inside of Hooters it was packed. So we sat way in the back. Our waitress was a beautiful, long-haired brunette named Andrea. My friends already knew her. And she knew them.

I know we're all expected to check out all the girls at Hooters. That's what the uniforms are all about. But I didn't really feel like it. It took me a long time to realize that Andrea was really beautiful. And there was some blonde haired, blue-eyed girl who kept coming around, too. She had 'Pink' written across her ass and wasn't wearing the standard Hooters uniform, but she worked there. She was gorgeous, too, and looked at me with those same emotionless eyes that Judy had. After that, my mind wandered off. There was some fat old man standing out in the parking lot almost the entire time we were eating, talking on his stupid cell phone. Before that, some kid had pulled up on a purple crotch rocket and sat out there smoking and posing. I didn't see the point. Why come to Hooters and stand out in the parking lot? There are no girls out there and they don't have time to look outside and see if any guys are standing around out there striking impressive poses. It's just dumb.

After Hooters, while I was riding home with my other friend, my cell phone rang. "Hey, we're all here at the Mexican place. Sam isn't here yet, but she's coming. Are you coming?"

"OK" I yelled into my phone, which wasn't working right, "I'll be there." My friend, who knows all of the people who were waiting at the Mexican place, said he didn't want to go, so he dropped me at home and I took my truck. I got there late. Sam had just arrived. She stood up and threw her arms around me. She gave me a big hug and kissed me on the face. Somehow I felt awkward for not kissing her back, although I never had before. I was very happy to see her.

The whole group of us talked for hours. Sam is in town for a family crisis. There is nothing she can do, but she wanted to at least be here. It was a long way to fly, all the way from Germany, but she made it. We all had fun. We always have fun. Then the waiter came over to throw us out.
"Wee air closed now," he said in a thick Mexican accent.

"Do you have the time?" Sam asked him as she checked her watch.

"Eet ees after nine and wee air closed," he said.

"That doesn't really answer my question, does it," she replied. "So basically you're not answering my question and you're throwing us out, too, is that it?"

He didn't answer, but seemed a bit put off by her straightforward approach. Apparently he had never met Sam before. He never came back to try to throw us out again. I think we left at 10, one full hour after they had closed.

Everyone was going to the Voodoo Lounge, way downtown. My old guitar teacher was performing there and it was a hopping place to hang out. I couldn't go. I have to work tomorrow. I can't come into work tired and drunk tomorrow. I just can't afford to do that. So we all hugged our goodbyes as we began to go our separate ways. I hugged Sam again and this time we kissed on the lips. That felt much more normal, like that is how good friends are supposed to say goodbye. I hadn't really thought about it. I just did it and it felt right. As I was heading to my truck to drive home, I noticed a card lying on the asphalt next to my door. I picked it up.

It said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." I smiled and climbed into my truck. I wasn't really looking foward to going home. I just didn't feel that I had any choice.

This morning, as I pulled into work, I saw that rabbit again. He was just sitting there, silently watching me from the green grass.

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1957 vs 2007

1957 vs 2007



School
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.


Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

---

DATING IN 1957

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

"That's cool."

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw. Why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

---

Grandma said
1957 - "Let the boys win. It's important that they learn to be confident so they can become men."
2007 - "Kick the boys in the nuts as hard as you can any time you feel angry. If you can grab ahold of them, crush them or rip them off. All men are rapists and that's all they are!"


1957 - "Try to be pretty and don't date boys who don't treat you with respect."
2007 - "Be a strong independent woman. You don't need a man. Fuck'em and chuck'em. There's always more where they came from."


1957 - "Dress conservatively. Don't be a slut."
2007 - "Girls have a Constitutional right to go topless in public because boys get to."


1957 - "A lady doesn't smoke."
2007 - "Don't bogart the doobie, biatch."


1957 - "Your granddaddy is a fine man. He fought in The War. He deserves our respect."
2007 - "Your granddaddy was a worthless sack of shit. That's why I shot him dead when he tried to leave me. All men are shit and will leave you."


1957 - "Women don't drive as well as men do, honey."
2007 - "Men shouldn't be allowed to drive. They're all idiots who can't find their way out of the driveway without a woman to direct them."


1957 - "A woman's place is in the home raising her children."
2007 - "A woman needs to focus on money and power. That's what life is all about."


1957 - "Be polite and respectful."
2007 - "Be the biggest bitch that you can. No woman ever made history by following the rules."


1957 - "Your granddaddy and I have been very happy together and we love all you grandkids very much. Oh look, Wheel of Fortune is on!"
2007 - "I'm happier alone. I don't mind it at all. I just wish you girls would call me a little more often. Sometimes I think you don't appreciate all I've done for you. Oh look, Wheel of Fortune is on!"




Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking ... into the future

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Tagged - or - This is not what I was about to post

Suthnun tagged me for a brief question and answer session. I feel so special, like one of those weepy celebrities on a Barbara Walters segment. Well, not the black Republican she slept with, obviously, because I would remember that, but maybe Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes or someone like that.

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning of the post. Each player answers the questions about themselves in their post. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

1. What were you doing ten years ago?

Ten years ago I was single, living in Memphis, working out at the gym every night after work, eating lunch every single day with a hot blonde girl I worked with, and engaged to a brunette who lived 200 miles away. Little did I realize how much all of this would change in the next several horrible Memphis years.

2. What are five things on your list to do today?

Today is over. But by the time I publish this it'll be tomorrow, so here is tomorrow's list:
1) study next chapter of Microsoft book
2) study several of the applications I am now responsible for
3) spank the monkey
4) try to catch up on email without spending half the day on it
5) find Jessica Biel's house and have sex with her (I always try to include at least one really big goal just to motivate myself.)

3. Snacks you enjoy?

Jessica Biel, Shannon Elizabeth, Carmen Electra ... wait, these are all just fantasies. Other than the delusions I guess just general edible panties in a variety of fruit flavors are good, or at least they are until she farts in them and after that they have a kind of stale flavor I don't much care for.

4. Things You Would Do If You Were A Billionaire?

I would buy Men's Health Magazine and make it an actual Men's magazine like it used to be before the man who founded it died and his wife and daughters took it over, tossing them out along with lots of the girlie shit they put in. And of course I would add a two page spread in every issue encouraging men to fight for their own rights for a change because real men don't let themselves get raped by crooked politicians like a bunch of stump-trained pussies. After that I would buy a house on the beach in Miami to waste all my time in the sand and ocean there until winter, at which point I would buy a house on the beach in Sydney and waste the rest of my time there, surfing and scuba diving. If any hot girls showed up wanting to schmooze me for my billions I would gladly let them. Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "but Steve, when would you find time to run the magazine you bought?" Yes, I would do that at night when everyone else is watching Big Brother on TV. I don't like reality TV, so that would leave me free to build my publishing empire during the nighttime hours. And also, while I was living in Sydney, if any Australian girls who happen to be bloggers and know me through this blog happened to come over to see me, I wouldn't mind that at all. I'd even pay for all the alcohol and maybe a live band while I tried to get them as drunk as possible. Rich guys are supposed to take advantage of beautiful girls like that, you know? It's in the rules.

5. Three of your bad habits?

1) Cussing loudly at various inanimate objects, such as my computer or my truck or various other things that can't hear me and aren't going to respond no matter how loud I yell.
2) Not properly differentiating between important tasks that must get done and unimportant things like email, which piles up faster than the poofy dress of a high school girl on prom night.
3) Not downloading enough porn from the internet. I really should do more of this. I just can't seem to find the time. It's just all this damned email that keeps me from accomplishing anything else, like streaming Jenna Jameson.

6. Five places you have lived?

1) Rocketown
2) Memphis, TN
3) Snootyville, TN
4) Redneckville, TN
5) The Boondocks, TN

7. Five jobs you’ve had?

I was called a 'host' at the Baptist Student Union at the University of Absolute Hell. Basically I greeted anyone who came in while I was scrubbing the toilets and emptying the tampons out of the shiny metal boxes hanging in the girls bathroom stalls. So exciting.

At the same time that I had that job, I had another job as a Systems Analyst for the Engineering Department. I was their computer virus expert and saved them from thousands and thousands of dollars worth of damage. They showed their gratitude by paying me very badly, and then laying me and all of my coworkers off when they decided to steal the System Adminstration budget for the summer term and divide it up amongst the various departments. I thanked them by removing all the virus protection I had put into place just before leaving for my new job as an engineering aide at a major aeronautics manufacturer.

At the new job, I was paid three times as much money as I had received at either of my previous jobs scrubbing toilets and computer viruses, but still wasn't treated well. This would prove to be a pattern which I soon realized is simply how corporations are.

My fourth job was as a NASA contractor, where I worked on software for the Space Shuttle. Few people realize it, but the Shuttle uses equipment and software that is older than most college students. The reason for this is simple: government sucks. The engineers at NASA know all too well that anything the federal government is involved with will be loaded with affirmative action and other political bullshit, resulting in a product that is completely worthless and potentially fatal to the astronauts. So when they do manage to get something that works, no matter how old and unexciting it may be, they hang onto it with a death grip for as long as they possibly can. That's why the Shuttles we are using to this day are all about 30 years old.

My fifth job was at an overnight shipping company in Memphis. I wrote software while getting screwed by sociopaths on their way into management, where they quickly proved to be incompetent and were subsequently demoted. Everything I wrote for that company is still being used today, as a former coworker recently told me, and the company seems to be stuck in a rut. Perhaps if they didn't promote incompetent assholes into management they might still be doing well?

8. How did you name your blog?

I said to myself, "what do I have to do in order to get people to come to my blog? No one is going to come read this. I have to make it show up in Google searches as often as possible. How would I do that? Hmm, maybe if I named it 'Nude pictures of Britney Spears' then people would come by?" I thought about this and eventually shortened the name to Nude Memphis instead, figuring all I really needed was the word "nude" in the title. Apparently I was right.

So there you have it. I was about to post something else, but ran into a problem and couldn't. Then I saw that I had been tagged, so I wrote this instead. I know it fascinates you all to know trivial shit about me because I am truly that important to you, so I hope you haven't become too excited by all of this and wet yourself. I must now tag other bloggers. But I don't know who I should tag. I'm going to fire off the first five names that come to mind and then, if I can find time tomorrow, I'll try to go to their blogs and tell them. Otherwise, they'll probably never know theyu were tagged in the first place.

Five tagged bloggers:
Avitable
TWK
Stacy the Peanut Queen
Cat
Bonnie
Rachel
Mongram Queen
Ann
Unique_Stephen
White Rabbit

... how many do I tag again? I think I am done.

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I Went for a Walk

I went for a walk.

I walked down the old street, amazed at how trees I had never noticed before had grown so incredibly tall.

I remember that house. I remember this whole street. It used to be shiny houses and green grass and tiny sticks for trees. Look how dirty and faded and old the houses have become. Look at the overgrown bushes and giant trees. My God, even the bricks on the houses look old somehow.

Everyone needs new roofs. Everyone needs to trim their damn bushes. Everyone has grown old and moved away, leaving their homes to younger people to buy. But these younger people, they don't have nearly as much money as the previous generation once did. Our nation's leaders have betrayed us, betrayed this land, sold the future for some magic beans. But that's a rant for another day.

I walked for an hour and a half. It was still light when I started. I could see the Big Dipper when I finished.

Funny how I can't find the constellations at my house, but when I come here I can find everything, right where it should be, just like before.

And you know, now I know what My Dad had been trying to tell me about there being so many more stars, but you can't see them here because of all the lights. Oh, you can see the stars. It's not so bright that you can't see them at all. But you don't realize how much the light is interfering with your view until you get out into the country and see what the night sky really looks like. So now I know.

I remember this street. I remember when all these houses were being built. I remember when they sparkled and there were no trees at all. I remember all the couples moving in and having kids. And now look at it. It's just an old street. The young couples are long gone. I'll bet not a single original owner still lives here anymore. And look at these trees, all grown up.

What is with the dude with the five sprinklers all going at once? His front yard must be no bigger than an eighth of an acre. Not even that, really. He must really like to run the water. That's ridiculous. His driveway and the sidewalk are sparkling clean. His yard is a swamp. Maybe he's trying to water his house in the hopes that it will grow a second story?

I hadn't planned on walking over here. But the mood just took me. Man, this hill is steep. I used to ride my bike up this damn thing. I used to jog up this. How in the hell did I ever do that? I can barely walk it. Listen to that motorcycle trying to drive up it. Holy shit, dude, if you don't shift into a lower gear you're going to stall.

Now there's a nice house. These must have been built later and I just didn't remember. That monster is impressive. All of these over here are impressive. I guess when you build up on the hilltops you pay more and expect to get more? These are some serious houses.

Three people are coming towards me. I can hear them talking. It sounds like women. That's awesome. I'm covered in sweat from climbing these hills. I look and smell like ass. Perfect time for me to meet three women in the dark night coming head-on.

Oh, they look like high school girls. Kinda hot, too. Well, hot enough, I guess. I mean, how ugly can you be at that age? You have no fat except where you want to have fat, and nothing is sagging or falling or fading or falling out. And it doesn't hurt that their clothes are skin tight, like they sprayed them on with an aerosol can. Obviously they are out crusing to be seen by boys in cars. I don't meet that qualification, so I think I'll just head on up this gigantic hill.

I can't believe we used to run sprint after sprint up this hill, with coach holding a stopwatch and giving us a few seconds rest before we had to go again. We'd loop down the side street, up most of the giant murderous bitch of a hill I'm on now, and then back around down Hickory Hill and down the side street to this monsterous hill again. How did we not drop dead from this? I can't even imagine being able to run all the way up this hill without stopping. I need a damn ladder to get up this thing.

I remember coming here to see Pam Salter. She didn't like me at all. And then I discovered Leslie Cothran and learned the skill of spinning tires and revving engines in front of girls' houses, as if that ever got a man a date before. But what did I know? I can't believe I never even noticed her back when I played basketball with her big brother and her dad was our coach. Of course, I was like 8 years old, so I guess she was 7. That probably had something to do with it. She sure did grow up, though.

There's Jamie's house. Crazy fucker went straight from his job at Super Shops to a bank, pulled out a gun, and robbed it. Then he drove straight home, threw the gun in the front yard and just sat down in his living room with the bag of money. He didn't even wear a mask. His shirt said "Super Shops" on the front, and "Jamie" on the back. It took them about 30 minutes to figure out who it was and arrest him. I swear it seemed as if he wanted to go to prison. That was insane. I wonder where he is now?

It's weird being here. I remember all of this. But it was all so much brighter and shinier back then. Now it all just looks ... I don't know ... like some faded memory. I don't belong here. None of the people I remember living in these houses are here anymore. And even if they were I wouldn't recognize them. And they wouldn't recognize me.

Hey, I know you. Holy shit, I haven't seen you in forever!




And now for something really old ....


Dig the hair

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