Every road I take to work is considered a 'back road.' And on all of these roads anywhere that there is shade there is also ice. And of course all the bridges are frozen, too. I did pretty well considering my truck is a one-wheel-wonder. But I did give a woman a heart-attack after she and three other people apparently slid off the road midway on a frozen hill. I was coming up the hill when I saw all 4 of their cars scattered on both sides of the road. A woman had gotten out of her car and was apparently intending to cross the road on foot when she looked at me coming up the hill. Just as I came close to her I hit ice and started to fishtail.
"Ah ha, this is probably how they all ended up in the ditch" I thought to myself ingeniously. The woman immediately leaped behind her car and appeared to squat and pee. But I managed to straighten it out and keep on going up the hill without joining them in the ditches or peeing myself.
Later, on the most dangerous part of my daily drive, a curvy hill that is slick even when dry, I got behind a woman in a black Nissan Maxima. Much like the woman in the gray minivan this woman did all the wrong things for icy roads. She stopped at the bottom of the icy-covered hill and then began trying to climb it at about 2 miles per hour. This, of course, forced all the rest of us to stop at the bottom of the hill, too. And unlike her, I do not have front-wheel-drive, so I cannot climb the hill at 2 mph. I had to wait for her to get mostly up and then begin the climb at my own, somewhat faster speed. I caught her at the top, at which point she began down the other side, entered an icy curve, and hit her brakes about midway through it. I did not hit my brakes, not wishing to slide across the oncoming lane or wind up in a ditch, so I began to gain on her. I nearly rear-ended her, which I would have done rather than choosing to skid out of control, but miraculously I was able to slow enough by using my clutch not to squash her any.
At this point I became aware of the fact that I was cursing her in an unusually polite manner under my breath. Everything I said to myself about her driving skills was far too nice, with nothing that might truly be considered obscene ever leaving my mouth. I then realized that she had a Christian fish on the back of her car, which I had apparently noticed before.
You might be thinking, "So what? Call her a fuckhead just like you would anyone else." But no, I was not going to do that, and I'll tell you why.
When I was a freshman in college I was driving to physics lab in a rainstorm in my pristine 1971 Monte Carlo. I got stuck behind a man who must have been over 100 years old and drove accordingly. I had my radio on and was listening to it more than worrying about the slow old man or the driving rain. I finally decided to pass him, being careful because of the rain.
Just as I was moving around him in the right lane the DJ said something relating to the then-recent scandal involving Reverend Jimmy Swaggart and a hooker he had employed. Of course the DJs were making fun of him. I joined in without really thinking about it.
"Jimmy Swaggart is a jackass," I said aloud.
As soon as the words had left my mouth the backend of my Monte Carlo kicked out and I spun 3 times completely around, passing the old man while going backwards. Just as I was regaining control by using my gas pedal as a thruster the way we used to do in the old Asteroids game, a woman driving a stationwagon going the opposite way clipped my rear end, not even trying to avoid me, and ripped a huge hole in the rear of my car. This sent me back out of control and straight off the road at a giant tree. As I began to realize that I was definitely going to hit the tree I threw up my hands and said, "Oh come ON, God!"
This qualifies as a prayer. I am Baptist and I know these things.
The next thing I knew I was parked in an unhappy man's yard next to his tree. I had somehow not hit the tree even though I had no control at all and was absolutely, most definitely going to hit it. I couldn't possibly have avoided it. I have no idea how I missed it. As I said, I was on my way to physics and physically it was impossible for me to miss.
I studied engineering and computer science, and minored in math. The probability of winning the Powerball lottery is higher than of me missing that tree. Trust me.
By the way, if engineers bank a curve so that it slopes downward toward the outer edge instead of upward like it is supposed to the curve does not have 'negative velocity.' My dynamics professor was all too glad to inform me of this while the rest of the class laughed at me. The university, despite being an engineering school, mysteriously banked a sharp curve on campus the wrong way and naturally I asked about it. Now that I am older I realize that they did this not because they were illogical, but because they were cheap-assed bastards.
Anyway, getting back to my crash, my Monte Carlo was ripped open, stuck in this man's yard, and totalled. The man took the time to come out and tell me that I had better not have hurt his tree and had also better not trench his yard when I drove off his lawn. He was totally unconcerned about my state of health. The woman who had hit me didn't even get out of her car after she stopped. She just sat and looked at me. So needless to say I was late to physics lab and never called Jimmy Swaggart any names again.
And I also don't use the standard library of curse words when dealing with poor drivers who have a Christian fish on their car.
So there you have it.
You have read this article with the title Loonies on the Path - part V - the Roads Are Poop. You can bookmark this page URL http://thebohemianbunny.blogspot.com/2004/12/loonies-on-path-part-v-roads-are-poop.html. Thanks!
