Random Thoughts

If you change lanes slowly without using a blinker I just assume you're messing with your cell phone and don't even know you did it. Basically, I assume you're an idiot and I treat you accordingly.


When you go out with your woman, who is obviously beautiful and totally into you, take your damn BlueTooth phone off your ear and pay attention to her, you dick.


If you park in 2 spaces at a crowded restaurant on a Saturday night, you're a piece of shit and your car should be towed and crushed. And yes, I know who you are because I watched you stand there like a pretentious douche and set your car alarm. Everyone in the parking lot knew who the douchebag parked crooked was. You're so stupid you seemed actually proud of it.


When I was in college I gave up a relationship with a hot girl simply because she lived in the next city over and I thought it was too far and we'd never work, 'cause you know, long-distance relationships and all that. I was sooo stupid.


A woman at JP Morgan lost $2 billion making risky trades, contradicting the recently highly publicized feminist claims that everything bad on Wall Street was the result of "too much testosterone" among those trading there. The Press, not surprisingly, is in a frenzy looking for men to blame for the JP Morgan woman's money-bleeding actions in order to protect the feminists' bullshit claims.


Meanwhile, a series of articles in the Wall Street Journal about why more women aren't CEOs quotes numerous current female CEOs advising other women to "take more chances, bigger risks." Hmm, sounds like testosterone talk to me.


Every once in awhile, the writers and editors at the Wall Street Journal respond to my letters about their work and say "you're a dick." They don't word it exactly that way, but that's the gist of it.


Black politicians/Democrats are trying to prop up Obama by saying "we're all for redefining marriage to benefit gay people." But black voters are saying "oh no you di'nt" and getting pissed off.


If you receive a phone call that is the wrong number, but you don't say "you have the wrong number" before you hang up, I'm just going to call you right back again until I find out if its the wrong number or not, idiot.


What kind of University graduates "intellectual elites" who think the way to get out of debt is to spend ever more money until the problem goes away? Clearly some of our ivy league schools have failed us. "Reduce spending? Who does that?! That's crazy talk!"


Giggling at other people's farts while sitting on the toilet in the men's room at work is generally frowned upon. Trying to strike up a conversation about them is even more frowned upon. Now you know.


All the womens are going apeshit over this song, and all the mens are saying "eh, what's the big deal?" ....

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Random Mental Flatulence

I know a girl who is stunningly beautiful in a magazine cover, perfect features sort of way. As usual, I had the urge to tell her that I strongly feel she should consider modeling. As an amateur photographer I have developed a real eye for the right 'look' and she has most definitely got 'it'.

Also as usual, I resisted the urge to tell her this because it just always sounds so creepy no matter how you say it. So I just think it to myself, but unless I'm asking the girl to model for me specifically, which I have not done in a long time, I keep it to myself.

Well, I am very glad that I did, because as it turns out, this girl is already a model and doing quite well. Boy, would I have been embarrassed if I had said "you should be a model" and she said, "well duh, I am already, you creepy fucker."


You should be a model

I hate trying to work with people who don't communicate well. And by that I mean, they don't listen to everything I've said before responding. I keep having conversations with this one person that go like this:

Me: I need to know what color your car is. What color is your car?

Him: I can't get my drawer open. Why won't this drawer open?

Me: I don't know, but if you want my help I need to know the color of your car. What color is your car?

Him: The sky sure was blue this morning. Did you see that? Do you think my drawer won't open because of the sky being blue?

Me: Doubtful, but if you'll just tell me what color your car is I might be able to do what you asked me to do. Otherwise, I can't help you at all.

Him: Why is coffee brown? It looks nasty.

And on and on it goes like this until I am ready to scream and just go home and go back to bed.



Lately I've been having a mysterious wrist pain. I'm fine when I go to bed, but when I wake up, my wrist hurts like hell. And the pain lasts all day long. Am I boxing in my sleep? WTF?



So apparently the spell check option isn't working today? What's up, Blogger?


Anyway, here's a lovely video of a little girl and a fluffy sheep:

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Streaker Crash

I had all sorts of ideas for blogging today. Naturally, after getting into work and battling my way through a sea of issues and problems, going to the gym for a noon workout in which I humiliated myself as usual, and returning to work for more pirate ship briganding and boarding of problem ships, I have quite predictably forgotten almost everything I wanted to do here today. So let's see what I can manage to dig out of my now very tired brain.


I'm an idiot

I swear I am the clumsiest person on the face of the earth lately. Last week I spilled my beer in a way no other human being could possibly ever do without practicing. I had just walked into the place, gotten a beer, walked over to a table where my friends were, and gone to sit down. I put the beer on the table. Then I went to take off my coat and place it on the back of the booth where we were all sitting. As I moved the coat past my beer, my sleeve magically engulfed the beer, as if I had done it on purpose, and then tipped the beer as I threw the coat onto the back of the seat, turning the bottle completely upside down and filling my coat with the ice cold beer I had just bought and not even taken a sip of yet. My friends were all super impressed.

Before that, I was in another club with a friend. We were talking about something that apparently required hand gestures. As I moved my hands around I batted my own beer right off the table, spinning it through the air like a propeller. In the past 12 months I've done that one at least 3 times, usually spilling it on myself. Once I did it twice in the span of 30 minutes. And no, I was totally sober when it happened. It wouldn't be so bad if I had at least been drunk. Then I would have some sort of excuse.


Worse than spilling a beer was when I whacked my margarita over. It's crushed ice and tequila, you know - very cold. You'd think I were Italian with all the hand waving that I apparently do, except that I never see Italians whacking their drinks off their tables. It's just me.


But he's a bigger idiot than me



VLog

I would like to link as many of the VLogs that all the bloggers I tagged did, as well as the VLogs by the bloggers who comment here. More than that, I'd love to embed the videos into one big post so that we can all watch them back to back, organized by location, to get an idea of how everyone sounds. This is where I wish more of the Canadian bloggers I tagged had participated, as well as some bloggers from South Africa and parts of Europe. I may yet find time to try to do this. We'll just have to see. I hope no one minds if I'm able to do this and I include their VLog on my page. Technically I should probably obtain permission from everyone who's VLog I include, but you know how lazy I am. I probably will just post it and then ask for forgiveness if anyone should be upset and ask me to take theirs down, which I would do if asked.



Ute Sent Me Candy
I won a "caption this" contest over on Ute's blog. As a reward, Ute sent me a huge package of chocolate covered fruits, chocolate covered gummy bears, chocolate covered frogs, strawberry treats and a book about the Southern part of Australia that includes Adelaide, with all the best sights for tourists to come and see while in Australia. It cost her a fortune to send to Memphis from Australia, and was one of the nicest things anyone has done for me in a long while.

Thanks Ute - you are awesome!



Judgment Day

On the Judgment Day, when I stand before God and he asks me to account for my life, I shall tell him, "Lord, I spent my life sitting on front of various PCs staring at the hourglass icon while I waited for the slow pieces of shit to respond to my commands. As the years went by I lost track of just how much of my time it was wasting, until one day, I realized that I had grown old waiting for Microsoft Windows to do what I fucking told it to do 10 minutes before, and then I grew so angry that I had a heart attack and died."

And the Lord will look down upon me and say, "Windows really does suck the big one, that's true. But I gave you a G3 equipped cell phone with most of the capabilities of a PC and greater speed in order to help you make better use of your time."

Then I will slap my forehead and say, "Shit! I hadn't thought of that!"



Misandric Sexism

Over the past week I have noticed out on Twitter endless celebrities endorsing TwitChange and Care, which is itself promoting a giant program that helps only women obtain business loans and only girls get educations. The excuse they give for this obvious and undeniable sexism is a tired piece of propaganda written by the Feminist Machine's New York marketing office and used by more and more hijacked charities and government agencies all across America - that their 'experience' has shown that the only efforts that are worthwhile (to feminists) in assisting the poor and downtrodden are those in which they help only females. The fact that they openly hate males and only want females to have or know anything in the first place has nothing to do with it.

Right.


As these celebrities are promoting this all over Twitter, I have had plenty of opportunities to ask them directly, "why don't you educate BOTH the boys and the girls? Are there any schools for boys there at all?" They don't answer. I can say all kinds of pointless, ass-kissing, congratulatory shit to them and they quickly respond. But ask this inconvenient question and they are dead silent. Because they know that what they are doing is sexist and indefensible, but they don't care.


Hillary Clinton herself has said repeatedly in speeches over the past many years that 'if you teach a man to fish, he feeds only himself for life. But if you teach a woman to fish, she feeds the whole village.' This obviously sexist statement is not at all supported by history, where for thousands of years virtually all villages dependent upon fishing have been fed exclusively by male fishermen, without any recorded instances of female villagers starving due to male fishermen not feeding them along with everyone else.

Yet Corporate America and, of course, our corrupt and leaderless Federal Government, have embraced this latest female supremacist led assault on the male sex, the intact family and historical fact, wholeheartedly and without question. History shows this misandric approach to be a mistake. And reading the books of American and English communists written over the past many years shows this to be far more than merely a charitable attempt to empower women - it is, in fact, a cynical Machiavellian plan to disempower males in order to institute dictatorships all around the globe.

If white people proposed that blacks aren't worth educating, that they aren't worth allowing to have business loans, that experience has shown that only white people are worth expending resources on, there would be an outcry of "racism" the world over. And the program would be condemned. If modern American men, celebrities and CEOs, said that experience has shown that girls are a waste of time to educate, that women aren't worth giving business loans to because they are selfish, the United States Government and our media would go after them and destroy them. But let this new Klan put on pink robes and say this very same thing about males and our celebrities cheer and wave their torches in front of the burning cross with glee. And our Federal Government jumps onboard.


Historically, whenever dictators feared an uprising and overthrow of their oppressive reign, they did not send soldiers to kill all the female children. No, they sent soldiers to kill all the males, because it has always been males who rise up and overthrow people like Gadhafi, Stalin, Hitler, Obama and others who oppress the nations and enslave the people. Keeping the males ignorant and unemployed while recruiting the females to help with this enslavement of the males is a very intelligent plan, but also an incredibly evil one. For anyone to embrace this and ignore the obvious sexism of it is inexcusable. That being the case, I expect it won't be long before the leaders of the Republican Party join with their Democrat sisters in fully endorsing this bigotry.

Because anyone who dares to question or, heaven forbid, criticize this female-only 'charity' will be crucified.


He dared to proclaim the equal worth of all mankind


So anyway, whatever else I had on my mind that I had wanted to blog about, I've lost it (brain damage.) I've got a tremendous load of assignments at work (everyone wants to be top priority), plus trying to minimize my humiliation in the gym (failing), plus attempting to have some sort of life in between working, working out, blogging and spilling beer all over the city (watching TV.) And what I really need is rest. I just never seem to get enough.


Speaking of beer and someone who needs to get some rest, here's a guy who needs to sleep on things before simply leaping into action:

Tosh.0
Tags: Tosh.0 Videos,Daniel Tosh,Web Redemption

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Friday College Girls Sledding

All morning long I've had various random funny ideas pop into my head and then disappear before I could write them down. Now it's afternoon, I have my editor open to write them down and the funny ideas are gone. I'm sure you are thrilled to read that I am writing this post without the funny ideas instead of just waiting for them to return, eh? Yes, I am a bastard like that.


I have made a new blog buddy. She's a crazy brunette hottie who gets more blog hits and comments in 5 minutes than I get all week. I try to tell myself it's because of affirmative action, but I secretly suspect its because she's funny and good-looking at the same time, whereas I'm a naked guy on a toilet beside the road, which is just sort of odd.


People keep trying to talk to me first thing in the morning and subtly ask me to do things for them without flat out asking. Subtlety doesn't work on me when half my brain is still unconscious. You have to just say what you mean, like a man, instead of farting around with hints, like a woman. No offense meant to women, but any of you who are married surely must have discovered this about men by now. Hints in the morning, unless they are about sex, get you nowhere.



There are college girls in skin-tight jeans sledding along the sloped sides of bridges and elevated highways here today. They have Barbie pink sleds and cute boots and are giggling and causing car accidents among men and lesbians driving past on the still-icy roadways. I know this because I just got back from lunch and nearly had a wreck while trying to take a photo. I did not get the photo, but I also did not have a wreck. It was neither or both, but apparently one without the other was not an option. Although, if I hadn't had a meeting I was supposed to be at, I would have stopped the car and got out to take a proper photo. I am a photographer, after all, so I can do things like that, even if I was only using my cell phone camera.


"What is the gender of your baby?"
"Whatever I want it to be on any given day."

During lunch I had a long and semi-interesting conversation with a guy about the misuses of the English language and influence of political correctness as they both relate to the word "gender." Gender does not mean the same as biological sex, if you didn't know, although in these feminist times it has been forcibly interchanged with it by lesbian English teachers at ivy league colleges for purely political reasons. How we got on this topic, I have no idea. But we did, and as you know I definitely have opinions on this subject, so I let them fly. He also has opinions, although they were more off-the-cuff theories about where this might have come from and what might have been in the past, but he did no research and so many of his assumptions were based on what we are told today, as opposed to the actual verifiable facts of history minus the influence of political correctness/feminist rewriting of the recorded past. In the end, neither of us cared enough to get heated about it and so we both shorted our waiter's tip for giving shitty service and left with a feeling of satisfaction that we had done the right thing, as this was not the first time we had eaten at this restaurant and received shitty service from this particular waiter. It was also not the first time we'd had a funky conversation about weird shit while eating there. What's up with that?



So there is lots of shit going on in the news that doesn't interest me much, and yet I'm about to quickly skim over some of it for no good reason.


A crazy man, and I don't mean bullshit crazy like Lorena Bobbit or Mary Winker who were just bitches and not the same as crazy, shot and killed a federal judge and attempted to kill a Congresswoman out in Arizona a few days ago. Since random events happening in the farthest corners of the United States are reported in far away countries like Australia even though they are of little importance to Australians, I will assume you all heard about this. Also, an Aussie on the internet was flat out going off on the need for gun control because of this woman being shot and we had an argument, so I know our shitty networks are reporting our news in other countries who should not even care about them because this guy was quoting CNN like it was the Gospel. Anyway, our White House and Democratic media were reporting that Sarah Palin had shot these people and not some crazy Marxist at all. They even went so far as to interrupt the latest episodes of Modern Family and Cougar Town just so Obama could make a political campaign speech basically saying that all non-Democrats should tone down their political rhetoric even as his own remains highly inflammatory and his supporters booed, at a funeral mind you, the Republican Governor of the state in which the shooting occurred when she got up to speak. And somewhere in Washington, I'm sure, Republican House Speaker John Boehner, wearing his favorite pink tie, broke down and cried. If there's one thing the Democratic Party has consistently stood for it is inflammatory rhetoric and open hatred of anyone who disagrees. If there is one thing the Republican Party has consistently stood for it is not really standing for anything with any real conviction and repeatedly offering up presidential candidates like Bob Dole, John McCain or the ever-tearful John Boehner, none of whom inspire much of anything in any non-Democrat, let alone inflammatory rhetoric. Meanwhile, everyone who ever knew the shooter has consistently reported that he is indeed quite insane and always has been, yet even so, prior to his shooting at political figures he has never been dealt with in any way by anyone who might have had the power to defuse the threat he posed. Shades of mass murderer and crazed shooter Amy Bishop can't help but emerge here, along with the Muslim jihad terrorist who shot and killed soldiers at Ft Hood in Texas and the crazed shooter at Virgina Tech, whom everyone knew to be insane and feared long before anything terrible ever happened.


Perspective

What do world leaders do when they are in meetings with all the other world leaders and find themselves with the unavoidable need to fart? Do they just rip one and say "I am important. I can do that." Or do they hurriedly excuse themselves and run to fart out in the hall, like my mom in church? I'll bet Russia's PM, Putin, just rips it loud and proud. I'll bet Obama farts in the hall, like a girl. I'll bet Sarkozy of France and whatsherface of Germany both slide them out as quietly as they can, but otherwise don't care if anyone smells it. I'm not sure what to think Gilliard of Australia might do. I guess it depends on how drunk she is at the time, eh?


I farted

There has been yet another reported instance of a man being shot in the genitals by a cop with a Taser and having his entire genitalia totally destroyed by it. Salaad Mahamed was already in prison and was laying on the floor on his back when they shot him directly in the testicles, literally spearing one of his testicles like a spear gun through a fish and destroying it, before the 50,000 volts ripped through him and fried all the nerves in his entire groin area, leaving him totally impotent and incontinent, like so many of the other men who have been shot in the genitals with a Taser before him. So now, because a guard didn't like the way he was laying on the floor, he is partially castrated, totally impotent, and has to wear diapers for the rest of his life. You would think, with a clearly cruel and evil torturous thing like this being done to him by authorities, he must have been heavily armed and quite dangerous, right? But no, he had no weapons and was not violent, just like all the other men who police have shot in the balls with Tasers and emasculated. And just a year ago, Taser International sent out revised instructions on how to properly use their guns, instructing police to "shoot low" and target the groin area as much as possible. And this for a weapon that is used almost exclusively on unarmed, non-violent men! It is an absolute outrage.



One thing I have learned over the years, and apparently this is unusual for a guy to know, is that girls will gladly accept photos of a man's bare ass, but when it comes to junk shots there is really just no one wanting to see that. I have seen far too many girls get a text message, look at their phone, make a face of disgust, and then hit 'delete' before telling me that some random guy just sent them a picture of his junk in various phases of sexual excitement. I have never sent one out myself and I never will. I'd like to think that somewhere a hot girl is sad about that, but I know better.


Happy to use it, but they don't want to see it.


As long as the Canadian government is banning old rock songs which a tiny minority find offensive (Dire Straights - Money for Nothing) I'd like to know if they might go ahead and ban all the old late '70s, early '80s disco songs which truly were disgusting, like everything by KC and the Sunshine Band, for example. I think as long as such dramatic and blatant censorship is going to be used it might as well benefit all of us rather than merely a tiny influential but wealthy few. Ban disco. In fact, ban everything that even remotely sounds like disco. In fact, if any episodes of an old show called "Solid Gold" still exist, ban every single song that was ever performed on that show.


Disco - it still sucks

Apparently there is some controversy over the fact that 'they' have changed the Zodiac, resulting in people having new "star signs." My new star sign is Superfreakius. I'm Rick James, bitch!

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Is There Anybody Out There?

Obama Man

So the news this week is mildly entertaining. And since I'm having to miss all the new shows on TV due to helping My Niece move, and not getting to work out due to still having this virus or whatever it is, I think I'll just comment on whatever ...

---

Clay Aiken Finally Realizes He's Gay
We've all known it since the very first time we saw him, but he hasn't known until just now. Apparently the hundreds, if not thousands, of stand-up comics doing jokes about how gay he is finally got through to him. Or is this just peer pressure and he only 'thinks' he's gay? Nah, as gay goes, he's pretty damn gay.




WaMu, the racist, sexist bank, teeters towards bankruptcy
Apparently bashing on white males all the time isn't as profitable as some seem to think. Washington Mutual, the big mortgage company that devoted every single dime of its' advertising budget to bashing white males despite a wave of protests, is begging a bunch of white males to save their bigoted ass from bankruptcy. Personally, I say let it burn.




Man charged with battery for farting near cop
A man in West Virginia farted while being booked into jail. The officer said it smelled bad and charged him with battery. I'm sure infamous prosecutor Mike Nifong would gladly take this case and do everything in his power to crucify this cop-killer, 'cuz that's how he rolls! Who knew that farting could be declared a crime? Especially when infamous West Virginian spouse-abuser and sex-offender Lorena Bobbitt was acquitted there for a far worse crime than farting.




South Africa appoints Motlanthe to succeed Mbeki
Isn't this just the same guy, only with a few letters moved around in his name? I swear, all those African dictators' names look alike to me.




Hey baby, remember me?
N.Korea ousts U.N. monitors, to restart atom bomb plant
Wasn't I just talking about this psycho last week? "Shoot his ass - SHOOT HIS ASS!"




Man falls to death after police Taser gun attack
Chalk up another fatal shooting courtesy of the fine folks at Taser International's Down Home Country Torture Devices. It isn't entirely Taser's fault this time, though. Police shot this distraught man with the deadly torture gun as he was standing naked on the ledge of a building. I mean, what the hell did they think would happen?




Kentucky man's penis amputated during surgery for no damn reason
A Kentucky man went in for a circumcision and came out with no penis at all after his apparently deranged and brain-damaged surgeon just decided to cut the whole thing off. The surgeon claimed that he 'thought' he detected cancer, but he never bothered consulting with the victim, his patient, or allowed him to get a second opinion. The victim went in for a useless and rather agonizing circumcision procedure which he was advised to get in order to alleviate inflammation. What he got was total sexual annihilation. In his complaint, the victim states, "What the fuck?!"




Politically Correct Rape Victim
Kidnapped Montana Boy Escapes Politically Correct Captor
A boy who was 11 years old when a man kidnapped him and subjected him to 6 years of sexual abuse has escaped at the age of 17. News programs want to interview him, but only on the condition that he never say the words "gay" or "anal rape". Shawn Hornbeck, one of several victims of the PC Molester, said no one in The Press will talk to him unless he signs an agreement not to say anything about his captor's sexual orientation or talk about being raped by him. Rumors that the kidnapper is a former Disney child-star have been quietly squashed.




Rich people
Clinton and Bono say crisis no excuse to ignore poverty
Bill Clinton and Bono have joined forces to harass other people not as rich as themselves for not giving enough money to poor people. Meanwhile, rumors are floating around that Bill Clinton has been constantly reminding Bono that he plays a mean saxophone and could be a "kick-ass addition" to the band U2. Also, Clinton's attempts at creating a reality show in which he travels around to various upper-class parties as a paid guest with various 20-something socialites, such as Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, has not met with much enthusiasm from either the major networks or the 20-something socialites he was hoping to score with.


Not getting to tap that

---

So anyway, I spent all of last night moving furniture and trying to figure out how to get a giant green couch through a door less than half the size of the couch. How did they get the thing in there? Are you sure it has to go out? Do you have a chainsaw? So much fun. Not!

Tonight I'll be doing the same, only this time it will involve a truck and hopefully more people. Hopefully I'll get to bed at a decent time tonight because I didn't last night and I am dying.

Tomorrow night I get to drive for 3 1/2 hours before arriving at my own home and collapsing into my own bed.

I did manage to catch a few glimpses of the TV, which was on while I was moving furniture around My Mom's house to make room for My Niece's coming furniture. I saw that on Pen and Tellers's show, "Bullshit" they spent almost an entire episode in Rockettown talking about the space program and some of the aerospace crap we have here in The Rocket City. They even interviewed a few local NASA people before turning around and ripping on NASA about being inefficient and expensive.

Then they asked the question no one is supposed to ask - why is it that in the '50s and '60s NASA was able to do impossible things with less technology than we have today in an ordinary wrist watch, yet today it seems like they can't do even half as much?

No mention was made of the social programs the U.S. Government has implemented since those amazing days, programs used to hire and promote based on sex and race rather than on intellect and skill and which have only grown bigger, more powerful, and more bloated since they began some 40 years ago.

Such is the power of politics and denial. Sure we can't do shit anymore, but look how diverse our space program is now! Hardly any white males at all.


And isn't that all that really matters?

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Thursday Things to Think About and Some Randomness

It takes a clever man to turn cynic, and a wise man to be clever enough not to
Fannie Hurst, writer

Be interesting, find things that make you an interesting person, and don't be afraid to pass them on to people.
Brian Lamb, C-SPAN founder

I would rather fail in an attempt at something new and uncharted than safely succeed in a repeat of something I have done.
A.E. Hotchner, biographer

When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get one, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either.
Leo Burnett, ad man

Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place but, far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Benjamin Franklin, statements and lover of many Frenchwomen

Risk the fall in order to fly.
Karen Goldman, writer

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I have had so little to say these past few months. I haven't known quite what to do with myself or this blog. Life has not been good and the unhappiness has been building inside me to unbearable levels. I find myself disinterested in all the usual things that I used to write so much about.

Odd things are rolling around inside my head lately. Obviously the departure of Steph of Australia has left me reeling. I'm afraid I have emailed her to death in some sort of desperate attempt at maintaining a window into a world that seems somehow magical from where I sit.

"What are you doing? So, what color socks are you wearing? No socks? Oh, I guess that makes sense. Those kind of shoes wouldn't look good with socks. So what are you doing now? So you have a sister and a brother? Do you think they would talk to me if I emailed them? Maybe they could start a blog? So what are you doing now? Oh sorry, didn't mean to bother you in the bathroom. Are you watching TV? Is Kylie mad at me? So what are you doing now?"

Clearly I'm not the only one who finds the lives of both Steph and Kylie fascinating. The entire world comes knocking on their doors just hoping for an update. I found myself wondering just this morning what Kylie is going to do when Steph has gone off and settled down. Will she be upset? Will she be lonely? Will she marry that Irish boy? Wouldn't their lives make a great TV show? It'd sure beat most of the crap on TV these days. Hell, Desperate Housewives has nothing on the adventures of Kylie lately. And I can't think of a single TV personality more lovable than Steph.

Have you ever read their writings? Oh Lord, if not then you're missing out on the best of the best.

Anyway, this being on the road thing is killing me. My diet has turned to shit. I can't run far enough or high enough to burn off this fat. It just keeps coming in one unhealthy meal after another. And there is never enough time to sleep. Maybe it's lack of sleep that has sent my emotions into a kind of middle-school-girl-on-perpetual-period chaos? Whatever it is, I can't take much more of this. I'm all over the map with what I'm feeling. 'Empty' isn't a strong enough word.

Some American fools in the news the other day set their friend's genitals on fire while he was passed out from drinking. Clearly they had seen enough of this sort of 'comedy' on TV and in the movies to think it would be funny and yet somehow totally harmless. Judging from what you see on television and in the movies, you can do almost anything to a man's genitalia and it'll all just bounce back as good as new without any consequences whatsoever, much like in the cartoons. Misandric sexual violence is TV gold and a staple of the Walt Disney Corporation, so it should come as no surprise when people imitate what they see over and over and over, although all too often with rather disastrous consequences for the real-life victim. Ah well, just so long as the FCC is making sure Janet Jackson never shows another plastic breast during the Superbowl I guess all is well. That man didn't need his genitals anyway. No harm done. No need to prohibit this kind of thing from airing on prime time television or up the rating of a movie from PG to R over a little thing like sexual violence and abuse. Just keep blocking those boobies, by God, before it corrupts the children!

Oil is up. Oil is down. Oil is up. Oil is down. This reminds me of a song Don Henley sang a long-assed time ago, "kick'em while they're up, kick'em while they're down". I don't know why. The two are totally unrelated. Such is the state of my brain right now. Random connections are forming that shouldn't be.

How far and how fast does a man have to run to escape from all his troubles? I just need to know because my running shoes are getting a little worn and I'm thinking about buying a new pair. With all this running I keep blogging about (due to my utter lack of anything else going on in my life) some people have gotten the impression that I must be in great shape and looking mighty fine. Nothing could be further from the truth. If I were looking mighty fine I wouldn't be working this hard. It's the ugly I see in the mirror that pushes me to attack those mountains, as if defeating them will make me look and feel better. It actually does make me feel better for a short time. But I look pretty much the same. Well, my feet are bloody and I smell like sweaty ass, but other than that I'm exactly like I was before.

I went with some friends to see "The Dark Knight" two nights ago. I wonder if the guy who plays Batman gets paid extra for tearing up his vocal chords with that overly exaggerated "Dirty Harry" voice he has to do while in the Batman costume? It wouldn't be so noticeable, and I wouldn't have started laughing at the most inappropriate times during the film, if he didn't speak normally while being Bruce Wayne. I'm sure the comic book crowd could theorize a million perfectly logical explanations for why he might need to do this, but that doesn't make it any less funny to me. Oh, and no cell phones during the fucking movie means no text messages either, asshole. Thanks for fucking blinding me when your messages came in and you just HAD to check them right then and there.

It's really a shame that Heath Ledger died. I still hear the "he killed himself" talk going around as people were moving in and out of the movie theater. No he didn't. It was just bad medicine, which brings to mind another old song, I believe by Bon Jovi or some such hair band. Anyway, I felt that Heath played the Joker as a New York city homeless drug addict. I feel sure he studied some addict somewhere to get that character just right. He had it all down, from the tongue to the shuffle to the nasty hair. It really was a great job he did with that role.

I am upset. I am so upset. I am beyond upset. This funk, this depression, this despair or whatever it is has positively exploded following Steph's announcement that she is closing her blog and leaving us behind. There is so much already building and pressing on me that I think this has been almost like an atom bomb to me. I can't express how upset I am adequately enough. I feel almost panicked.


And now for something pathetic and sad ...

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Things I Have Learned (That Do Me No Good Whatever)

A thousand tears may stain your face, but they do you not one bit of good.

Movie people all dress the same. You can spot them from across the parking lot at film festivals.

Everyone wants to be a star. No one wants to be the doorman.

The most dangerous man is the man who has lost everything.

Many people have great music in their heads. It's the getting it out so others can enjoy it that is the real trick.

I feel certain that if the Founding Fathers of the American Revolution could see their nation today they'd say "we risked our lives for that? No fucking way!"

I have the most generic face in the world. Everyone thinks they know me from places I've never been and things I've never done.

Hot women know they're hot, but when you see them out in public and they have that air of "I'm too hot for you" they become less hot. Or maybe I'm just bored with them?

The difference between an actor and a film maker is that actors stand around a lot trying to look cool. Film makers move around, with lots of activity, and don't really care if you notice them or not. They're doers, not posers.

The power flashing on and off, on and off, on and off, is far more annoying than when it just goes off and stays off until it's ready to come on again once and for all.

Nobody breaks up anymore. They just drop you from their friends on Facebook. How do parents these days handle a crying teenage daughter who says "Daddy, he dropped me on Faaaaacebook"??

Are microwave ovens technically really ovens? I mean, could you cook a roast in there?

I did a pathetic little workout the other day. Now my arms hurt like they're broken or something. How did I get to be such a girlieman?

Kroger grocery store has printed on my last receipt that I have 186 points for the month of March, but nothing as to what the hell that means or how I might find out. WTF?

The phone will always ring when you're home alone, pants around your ankles, on the toilet. Always.

People are calling my house, wanting to talk to Bertha. I tell them they have the wrong number. Then they yell at me, insisting that they most certainly do not have the wrong number and they know this for a fact because Bertha gave it to them herself. If I ever find out what Bertha's number is I'm going to call her at 2 am for a chat.

I'm thinking about grad school again. If I do go back, I'm going to make it a point to stop by the computer science department and shout into the classrooms, "hey you idiots, you're busting your asses for nothing! Go change your majors to finance so you can make big money with very little effort."

The end is near. It's not you, it's me.

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More Random Thoughts

I was "Christmas raped" earlier this month. It was the 2nd week of November and I was in Home Depot. Christmas displays were everywhere. I was looking them over when suddenly I noticed it. Over the sound system, Christmas music. I wanted to scream, "it's November, DAMMIT! It's too soon!" But I didn't. I am the master of restraint, as you all know.

I'm sure everyone has noticed how the antiChrist PC Police won't allow anyone to say "Christmas" anymore, right? Sure, it's universal throughout the western hemisphere. Christmas is merely a 'holiday' in the midst of other holidays and we are all supposed to pretend that we don't know which holiday it is that everyone is out buying tons of presents and trees and ornaments for. You know, because they decorate evergreen trees for Rammadan and Hanukkah all the fucking time, right?

Have you also noticed that now they won't even allow anyone to say "Christian"? No, now the official term for believers in "he who must not be named" is "evangelical". What does this mean, exactly? I mean, you could be an evangelical about anything. I've met evangelical Cubs fans, evangelical boy scouts, evangelical feminists, evangelical socialists, evangelical atheists, and even evangelical NASCAR rednecks who yell at me for owning a Chevelle instead of a Mustang. WTF?

Have you ever seen a young deer try to run across a wet street, only to change his mind and try to go back the way he came right in the middle of the road? He slips and slides all over the place and busts ass. It's funny as hell.

Why are we bothering with all this political campaigning and shit? Am I the only one who knows that Hillary is going to win? And when she stuffs every ballot box in the nation, which she will, no one in the Republican Party is going to have the balls to demand an investigation. Everyone knows it. Why go to all of this trouble? Either grow a pair, or hand her the keys to the front door. And I have news for you anyway, the Clintons had copies made and kept them when they left the first time. So they already have the keys. They're sneaky like that. Bitches don't play by the rules.

How can a woman go from zero to bitch in such a short time? At 5:30 a.m. I was awakened for sex. Fine by me. By 6:30 a.m. it was back to full bitch mode and I was being blamed for everything. How does this work, exactly?

My Wife insisted that I name the Kitten this past weekend. He hasn't had much time to prove his personality to us yet and the only distinctive thing about him, other than being wild and playful, is that he stinks. So, at her insistence, I named him "Stinky." She was unhappy with this. So I suggested "Stinkbutt." Again, she was dissatisfied. Yet it was she who renamed my previous cat to "Booger Bear." She said the name fit him, because sometimes he acted like such a booger, and he looked like a bear. Fine, and the name "Stinky" definitely fits this kitten. So what's the problem? At least I didn't name him "Shitty."

Heeeeere Shitty Shitty Shitty!

They tell me I need a copy of my birth certificate with an original seal stamped on it in order to get my passport. I apparently don't have that. I don't know how to get that. This is going to be a pain in the ass, isn't it?

While looking for my birth certificate, I discovered that I have somehow lost the title to the Bananawagon during the move. I can't very well sell the car to the guy who wants it without that title. Dammit! Where is that damn thing?

OK, I gotta go pee.

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