OK, So My Underpants are Worn Out

I was all ready to post a meme I had stolen from Julie Maloney who stole it from another blog when I was suddenly lost in a fog and forgot all about what I was thinking. You know what that means, don't you? Yes, it means a blog post consisting or completely random shit from out of left field, or my right brain, or something along those lines.

So I was driving home from work tonight in my awesome pearly white Dodge Challenger like a knight on his steed (except my Dodge doesn't poop or eat oats) when a brand new Ford F150 with massively blinding headlights came at me, lights on bright as if the factory low beam brain-melters weren't enough on their own. Plus, he had on his Xenon driving lights which he had thoughtfully mounted at just about the height of a normal automobile's headlights, sending 4 brain searing beams of high tech white laser death directly into my face. And it occurred to me that I could tell it was a brand new F150 because of how tall and ugly it was. It has that government mandated extra 4 inches of useless vertical shell all the way around the midline that marks a vehicle as a new government-created shitpile.

And yes, my Dodge has it, too. And yes, I knew that when I wrote this. Just because my Challenger has a testosterone-inducing rumble under the hood and makes the kind of horsepower that my father's Oldsmobile made back in the late '60s and early '70s doesn't mean that I don't still think the original 1970 Dodge Challenger was and still is a better looking car than my brand new ridiculously expensive one with the ugly blue and white striped seats.

So I was just over on Teri Lynn Brown's blog reading about her brand spanking new Toyota Prius and a thought occurred to me. I have never in my life sat inside a Toyota Prius, mostly because I have a reputation to uphold as a mega bad-ass muscle car maniac and also because my neighbors who have one won't let me near theirs. But Teri posted photos of the interior or her brand new Prius and I noticed that all the controls and components of the dash are almost identical to my Dodge Challenger. And Teri was complaining about the stupid amount of controls and options and switches and just total bullshit that the car is supposed to let you do on there, but no one ever learns all of those options because mostly we just buy a car to drive it, right? I mean, its not like we plan to live inside our cars and watch DVDs and microwave pot pies while the extra plush driver's seat gives us a back massage and the floor mates wash our feet, right? I mean, that's not what anyone expects from a car, even when the price of a new car is ridiculously high. And they have even taken away the keys, opening our doors through a remote and putting a push button on all the dashes that only starts the car if you have the remote in your pocket and the battery isn't dead (right Minxy?) and I think to myself, "who the hell ASKED for this??"

I remember the first time I bought a car for my significant other and it only had a key hole on the driver's door, so that even if I had a key with me I couldn't get in on the passenger side unless I used the remote control. And I cursed the car company and shouted "cheap assed bastards!" But now they've gone even further and removed the key hole for the ignition, creating a very real problem every time the damn battery in the remote dies, which it does more and more often as you have to use it for more and more things that you used to do with a metal key. Who asked for this? Why did they do this?

E15 gasohol - A gift from the EPA
And then I read about the EPA approving E15 gasohol, which is 15% ethanol shit and only 85% actual gasoline. The EPA APPROVED it even though independent testers have all found that it destroys most modern engines and fuel components and is devastating to older engines and the EPA itself hadn't finished testing it. And I think to myself, either there is an evil conspiracy among the Washington DC elitists to destroy our auto industry and force us to accept shit cars, which is entirely possible, or else there is something else going on. And what with Washington being totally responsible for the bad corn-poisoned gasoline and the 4 inches of useless metal added to the height of every new vehicle which only makes it harder to drive the cars and harder to see and uglier by any measure and the brain frying, eyeball searing headlights that they lie and claim they can't do anything about, isn't it entirely possible that Washington is to blame for all of this? But rather than being part of a vast conspiracy to destroy our auto industry and all the cars, what it really is is just the consequences of total morons running our country and interfering with every minor detail of our private lives, even to the point of poisoning our gasoline, outlawing light bulbs and shower heads while forcing mercury poisoned replacement bulbs on us all, over-regulating the pharmaceutical industry right out of existence, blocking oil from Canada which we desperately need, giving thousands of free rifles to Mexican drug lords while trying to take them away from American citizens, freeing all the mentally insane people from institutions and leaving them to run the streets and kill people including themselves, and destroying the value of our every last dollar even after they've taxed and spent it all a trillion times over on Colombian hookers and vacations in Hawaii.

Isn't it possible that the American government and all its cronies are conspiring among themselves to grab as much power and control as they possibly can, but due to their total ignorance and arrogance (absolute stupidity), along the way they are just wrecking everything in America? Isn't it possible that unusually stupid people have congregated all together like a religious cult inside the city limits of Washington DC and obtained the highest positions of power there while the rest of us were working at normal jobs and not paying attention, sort of like happened with the television networks and their news departments?

I think mentally retarded monkeys have taken over this nation, gotten elected or used voter fraud to steal a position in office, then appointed their retarded friends and relatives to all the non-elected positions of power, like running the EPA or the State Department or the FDA, so that today we have the world's biggest shitheads controlling the highest levels of power in America. And we need to stop, take some time off from our jobs, look very closely at who is currently in power in our country, and DO something about it.

If we don't, the next time the federal government mandates changes to all the new cars we are going to end up driving giant metal boxes with no windows at all, no beautiful curves or shiny chrome, no appeal of any kind, and headlights that are so bright they set the garage on fire every time we start our cars to leave for work in the morning. Oh, and let's not forget the Government Motors Chevy Volt that spontaneously catches fire at random times. No, let us not forget that. Fire bombs shaped like ugly boxes that we can't see out of, that's what the idiots in Washington are plotting to force upon us.

Not that we'll know how ugly they are because we won't have any light bulbs and we'll all be blind from the fucking blinding high intensity car headlights that seared our retinas and fried our optic nerves.

Fuck the Government!

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