1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I was named after the Renaissance-era French nobleman, Lord Efilumpius Smorgasbortata Etienne Boobie de Montaigne, but his friends just called him 'Steve'.
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| Lord Steve - rockin' his porn mustache |
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Today, in traffic. I got stuck behind this asshat in a Nissan that was going uber slow in the passing lane in rush hour traffic and I cried "move, you fucking cuntbasket!" And then I passed her on the right and she turned her high beams on me. So I hit my brakes and she turned them off again. Because cuntbaskets are cowards deep down.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I love my handwriting. I plan to marry it one day, after I divorce my current handwriting. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. To be honest, I haven't seen my handwriting in a very long time. I'm a keyboard using fool these days. If it weren't for paying bills and writing Christmas cards I don't think I'd write anything by hand at all.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I'm not quite sure what this question is intended to mean, so I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that you're asking me who my favorite female porn star is. Otherwise, it sounds like you're asking if I'm into gay anal sex and the answer to that is a resounding "no and keep away from my back door there, bud!" But to answer your question about meat, my favorite porn star would probably be Kayden Kross, mostly because I can remember her name off the top of my head and I'm too lazy to use Google right now to look up any others. Also, she's very funny in a sharply snarky way and I admire that in a girl.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No, but as a kid I once had a pair of Keds, which isn't even remotely similar except for the fact that I was a kid while wearing Keds and the two connect somehow in my fracturious brain.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
No, definitely not. I dislike assholes and I most certainly am one.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Fuck no, I'm not the type for sarcasm. I prefer straight up obscenity-laced in-your-face tirades.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yeah, and my balls and kidneys, too. Why do you want to know this and take a few steps back before you answer.
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| Go for it! |
As if I have anything to lose. Sure I would. Why not? The adrenaline rush is said to be really amazing. It either makes you laugh hysterically or shit yourself. I'm willing to take the gamble despite my bad track record with farts that aren't just farts.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
As The World Turns .... no, no, All My Children. Not that I ever actually saw it, but wasn't Kelly Ripa on All My Children at some point? I'd love to see the old soap opera, pre-super-skinny Kelly Ripa naked. She used to be really hot. Now she's just cute. Come on, Internet, bring me naked Kelly Ripa!
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| Internet fail - non naked Kelly Ripa |
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No, they untie themselves and then walk to the closet and put themselves up. I have magic elven shoes. Doesn't everybody?
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
I know I'm strong. My deodorant says so right on the bottle! "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman." You should smell me sometime and then see if you think I'm strong.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
For some reason the first time I read this question I thought of Icelandic porn. Do you suppose there is such a thing as Icelandic porn? They say the women there are amazingly beautiful so you'd think Icelandic porn would be like their number one national export. But to be perfectly honest, I've never heard of it before. They should make some, for sure. Come on, internet search, don't fail me now!
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Are they male or female? If female, are they naked? If female and non-naked, do I WISH they were naked or are they fat or otherwise unpleasantly shaped? If female, non-naked, but well-shaped, are they holding a drink in their hand and does it appear to be something strong that might result in their being naked in the near future? Come on, tequila, don't fail me now!
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| The face of Patron. And the boobs. |
15. RED OR PINK?
What are we talking here? If it's cars then red. If it's naked girls drunk on tequila then it's pink. And if it's money then green.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My extreme perfectness. It must be terribly discouraging for others how perfect I am. I don't mean to be such a discouragement. Sometimes I try to hold myself back to make others around me feel like they have a chance. Yep.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Heidi, the "Tool Time" girl on Tim Allen's old show. I didn't much care for his show, but I LOVED Heidi, played by Debbe Dunning. And before Heidi, there was Lisa, played by Pam Anderson pre-implants and pre-Tommy.
18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?
My ability to convince a beautiful girl that a shot of tequila is actually just flavored water. "Go ahead, suck it down real fast. It's just lime-flavored water. It's good for you!"
19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Brown like Obama's ass. Speaking of Joe Biden ...
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A brownie. And it was brown like Obama's ass. Why do you keep bringing up Joe Biden?
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Coworkers clicking their computer mouses and cursing. Oh wait, the cursing is mostly just me. Still, we're all working on PCs here so you know there's regular cursing going on.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Vagina
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
See #22
24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?
How important they are to me isn't really the issue. This is my blog so I can post whatever views I want. The question that matters is, how important are my political views to you?
25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Whichever one Debbe Dunning is at, drunk on tequila and waiting impatiently for a strong smelling man with important political views.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Did you ever see Debbe Dunning on American Gladiators Celebrity Challenge? She won it two years in a row. That girl was kick-ass for real!
27. HAIR COLOR?
Favorite? Honestly, it depends on the girl. There are some rocking hot blondes and some skanky blondes, smokin' brunettes and scary brunettes, sexy auburn-haired beauties and bleached ginger whales.
28. EYE COLOR?
Depends on the hair color its with. Auburn hair with glowing green eyes is great, but blue eyes can go with any hair color. Brown eyes are usually best with brown hair, but they can go well with blonde hair, too. It all just depends on the face it's connected to.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, I keep my contacts in my phone.
30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Coffee
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy endings where a wet t-shirt wearing Jessica Biel has escaped the chain saw maniac and is walking down the road, bouncing and shimmering for the camera. I honestly don't care about the scary movie. I just want to watch Jessica Biel all wet and see-through walking or running down the road. There doesn't even have to be a story connected to it.
32. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I don't know any girls named Winter so I'm gonna have to go with Summer. Summer was a tall, dark stripper who used to hang from the rafters upside down and hook on the side. She was only 14 but you couldn't tell. Her boots were taller than most of her customers and when she put them on she was a giant. And when she got drunk she was a lost, lonely 14-year-old with shitty parents and big, big troubles. Yeah, you think you have it rough? You should live Summer's life and see what rough is.
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| She works hard for the money |
33. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Dracula by Braham Stroker. In the very first chapter an entire freakin' city full of people warns him not to go to Dracula's castle and he just brushes them off and goes anyway. I'm thinking this idiot has it coming.
34. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?
Vinyl, with a receiver that has big-assed glowing tubes in it, a turntable with a needle cartridge that costs more than the turntable itself and some big-assed speakers from the 1970s. Pretty much anything you play on this, if its vinyl, will sound better than the digital shit on your iPod. Well, unless it's polka. Polka doesn't even sound good live. Vinyl can't fix that. Sorry all you Mexican-Bavarians, but your music sucks. I guess that's why you work so hard on making good beer/tequila, isn't it? That makes sense to me.
35. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
All the way to your house while you were out. Bet you didn't even know I'd been there, eh? Yeah, I was searching for old vinyl, but you didn't have any so I played in your underwear drawer instead and left some kinky photos on your digital camera. Go check'em out and get back to me. I wanna hear your reaction.
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| I held a car wash in your driveway. Hope you don't mind |
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