Loonies On the Path - XLIV - Asshole of the Week

Asshole of the Week

Question: what happens when a 2800 pound minitruck gets hit by a 4800 pound full-sized truck? Did you ever think about this? Oh wait, you weren't thinking about anything, were you? No, you were just flipping around in traffic like a dodo bird with its head cut off, without any blinkers, without bothering to look and see if there was any room at all for your stupid ass to jam in between two trucks without warning, as those two trucks were stopping at a red light and had no room for you. And then, as if to earn yourself extra asshole points, you even stopped short just to fuck with me even further!

But wait, there's more!

Yes, I came within inches of hitting you. Yes, I would have torn through the bed of your piece of shit minitruck like a Ginsu knife through a beer can. Yes, you would have finally had a reason for that handicapped tag on your rear bumper. Because the effect of being crushed between my truck and the truck in front of you would have snapped your empty swelled head around like a stoned high school girl at an Ozzie Osbourne concert.

Brain salad

You aren't very bright, I can see that. You drive like a drunk, oblivious to everyone else around you. In traffic you're like a Federal Judge, convinced that none of the laws apply to you and all that crap you went through to qualify for your license is a lifetime guarantee that you can trample on everyone else at will with no consequences to yourself whatever.

You're a stupid ass. I could see that you hadn't washed your hair in quite some time. Oh, and you left your fucking door open. Or perhaps you just didn't feel like closing it? I realize that the most mentally challenged among us are all about their feelings, with no respect or consideration for logic, truth, reason or any of that classically masculine sort of thinking. Perhaps you were too busy fumbling with your Hannah Montana CD to notice that you hadn't shut your door before you slammed into gear and took off down the road like Little Red Riding Hood on her way to Grandmother's house?

Your fucking door is open

I do have to ask, though, what possessed you to suddenly repent of your assholeness and play nice? I mean, I appreciate that you suddenly discovered your blinker and even changed lanes to get your slow, reckless, selfish ass out of the left-hand lane. It's just that I didn't see any cops, although they are always hiding right there at the place where you magically discovered traffic laws. Were you sorry for your sins? Did Jesus kick you in the ass? Or were you secretly hoping I'd zoom past you in a huff and get a ticket for speeding?

Say 'cheese'

I guess you noticed that I didn't react to you at all, didn't ride your ass like a high school boy, didn't zoom past you when you got over like any normal angry driver would, didn't flick you off, didn't pass you on the right before you had a chance to get over. I just took your picture.

Yeah, that seemed to get your attention. Funny how that works. So many people just like you, banging around in traffic being total shits to everyone, the minute I pull out my camera and take a few pictures, you suddenly find the 'nice' buried deep in your heart and start playing by the rules like the rest of us.

I love my tiny little keychain camera.

* Addendum: Something is in the air. Everyone in traffic is bitchy. At lunch a woman in an economy car did almost the exact same thing to me as the Asshole of the Week, except that she stopped 10 car lengths from the car in front of her, looking in her rearview mirror the entire time, trying as hard as she could to cause a wreck with me. We hadn't been fighting. There had been nothing going on between us. And had I been riding her ass I most certainly would have hit her. So what was her problem?

I started this series back when no one read my blog at all. It was simply an effort to document for my own benefit the apparent correlation between changes in environment and people's behavior, especially in traffic. We had a cold front move in 3 days ago, dropping our temperature below freezing. Now the cold front is moving out and it is warming back up to normal Spring temperatures. Every time we have a dramatic shift in temperature people react like this. I should have been looking for it. I should have expected it.


* Note: yes, I stole that last photo from your blog. There will likely be others.

Shooting Fail
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