2008 began with Britney Spears roaring into the lead in the annual Biggest Skank Ho competition. She had been in he running year after year and seemed a sure thing for 2008. She shaved her head, jousted with an SUV using her umbrella, and then of course there was that horrible Chris Crocker "Leave Britney alone!" video on YouTube. Perhaps I'm mixing several years worth of skank hoing into one? It's hard to keep it all straight sometimes because there has just been so much of it.
But while all of this has been going on, across the pond in the once-glorious UK, now greatly diminished by Labour and politically correct socialism, there lives an even bigger disaster. She doesn't have the advantage of having been a mouseketeer under the New Disney skank regime, but nevertheless, she has managed to climb the Mt Olympus of addiction, drama, and embarrassing photos. Her name is Amy Winehouse.
Britney was easily leading the competition for most of 2008, but as she straightened up her life, Amy continued wrecking hers. Amy has easily earned this title. So let's raise our glasses and toast Miss Amy Winehouse, Biggest Skank Ho of 2008.
It's clear from the results of this poll that the vast majority of us bloggers consider ourselves to be on the edge of a violent murderous rampage of rage and frustration. A whopping 44 percent of you say you blog because it allows you an outlet which prevents you from going insane and killing people. I concur. Let's all keep on blogging well into 2009 so that the killing can be avoided.
Coming in a close 2nd was the admission that we blog to quiet the voices in our crazy heads. Apparently a substantial number of bloggers are comletely insane. These are probably the writers of the most popular blogs on the internet.
And now we get to the most important poll of all, the one about me. Yes, let's talk about me. Isn't pure narcissism what blogging is really all about? What do you think of me? 21 percent of you have figured out that I'm a man who loves women. A lot. Maybe too much. Some of you may even worry that I'm hiding outside your window with a video camera watching you undress. Perhaps I would if only I knew where you lived. Alas, I don't. Would you mind emailing me your information? It would make this whole stalking thing so much easier.
19 percent of you believe me to be emotionally unstable, yet entertaining in a train wreck sort of way. Much like the Beavises and Buttheads of the world enjoy watching endless home videos of men, boys, and in some cases babies being sexually assaulted by animals, castrated in horrible accidents, or violently violated by angry school girls, many of you seem to enjoy the endless rantings and disasters that make up my daily life. Perhaps I'm a bit like Al Franken, crazy and ineffectual, yet humorous enough to be memorable and one day even shoved into the U.S. Senate through a blatantly rigged election? I can only hope.
15 percent of you have figured out that I'm not particularly fond of Memphis. You're quite perceptive. There's plenty of hookers and alcohol here, but perhaps I haven't made sufficient use of them because I'm really not very happy in Memphis.
Finally, 11 percent of you have detected that I have frequent issues from my ass. This is true. I should probably eat less Mexican food. Perhaps I'd be more popular with the ladies if I weren't so gassy?
