DEAR NUDE: I am an avid yarder because I am not an American. Recently, for reasons too complicated to explain here, I have been neglectful of my yard. My neighbour, an American, saw fit to cut off three foot of my fifteen foot tomato plants that were over-hanging his fence and chuck them back over my side, because legally he's in the right. What is my best recourse of action? Failing that, do you have any good recipes for Salsa with green tomatoes? Cheers - THE SLUG PELLET
DEAR SLUG P: while you are quite right that your neighbor is legally within his rights in chopping your tomato plants to bits, that doesn't necessarily make him less of a donkey's scrotum for doing it. I suppose your best course of action would depend upon why he lopped off your tomato plants. Could he be allergic to them? Were they laying across the hood of his Jaguar, parked just on the other side? Had they attracted swarms of disgusting insects? Assuming none of these are the case, I must conclude that he was simply being a dick. As such, you are entitled to several courses of action:
Decorate his entire front lawn with long strands of toilet paper tossed delicately throughout all of his trees and shrubs in a fashion Americans call "rolling" or "TPing". Make sure to wrap up any vehicles left outside in the drive as well. Feel free to leave a burning paper sack filled with poo on the front porch and ring the bell just after you have finished with the decorations. This is, in fact, a long cherished American tradition and one which will likely win you great admiration from all the rest of the neighbors who have no doubt observed similarly obnoxious behaviors from this individual. People who so casually piss off their neighbors rarely do this sort of thing only once. I'm guessing he isn't Mr. Popular.
Alternatively, you might plant bamboo and kudzu where you once had flourishing tomato plants and make sure to let him know. This is more of a nuclear bomb/mutual destruction sort of approach, but it has quite an impact, especially long term, as nothing and no one can kill that shit once it has established itself and will leave him wishing for the days when his biggest worry was a sagging tomato plant.
You might also order a truckload of fresh horse manure to fertilize your garden and make sure to dump every bit of it right along the property line that you share with him. Water it good to maximize the odoriferous qualities of it for his benefit. Then go on a long vacation to Australia, taking me along with you.
Finally, there is the somewhat radical "Talking Heads" approach. That is to say, 'burning down the house'. It's easy and makes your point quite clearly - leave my shit alone or I'll burn down your fucking house.
If it turns out that he has some sort of legitimate reason for lopping your tomatoes, then buy yourself one of those wire-constructed, prison-cell-torture-looking contraptions that are tailor-made to prevent tomato plants from sagging over into the neighbors' yard and make good use of it. But always remember that your neighbor had no qualms about chopping your plants and keep that in the back of your mind. Good reason or not, he could have talked to you first.
DEAR MEMPHIS: I have gone my whole life thinking I hated beer but have recently discovered I was wrong (big time). Having read an interesting blog about dark beer I started doing some research and took to it like crack. My question is this.... I'm replacing my Starbucks with beer, one for one, (see I know you can't have it all) and though Starbucks has more calories I think I'm starting to gain weight. What's up with that? Should I go in for a tummy tuck, drink more so I don't notice it or what? - SLOSHING
DEAR SLOSHING: the key to drinking heavily and never gaining weight is to live in a location that has ready access to lots of quality alcohol, exercise paths, gyms, hot bodies and high quality beaches. It seems to me that if you're going to drink like an alcoholic but don't want to look like one then you need to live in the Capital of Alcoholism and Hotness - Australia, where Starbucks outlets are being closed in record numbers and replaced with top notch pubs, clubs and gyms. Australians have 2.1 personal trainers for every 5 Australian citizens, and they use them religiously. They also drink more alcohol than the entire Western world combined, which is especially amazing when you consider that there are only 20 million of these uber-fit guzzlers. With all of their obsessive exercising, motivated by the pressures of every city having huge, fabulous beaches filled with blazing hot bodies, they never look anything less than superb no matter how much they get their drink on. For all of their excessive drinking, they balance it out with equal amounts of excessive exercising, totally negating all the harmful effects of alcohol. So drink up, if that's what makes you happy, but pack your bags and head to Australia to do it properly and healthily. As it happens, several of us right here in this column are talking about going over to Australia together fairly soon. Grab your bottles and come with us. Perhaps we can all split a hotel room, share your beer, and go jogging together on the beach?
DEAR MEMPHIS: I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided was going to park my BMW R1150 GS motor cycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
DEAR BMW: This is a touchy situation. First, I'd ask if you really care if she's doing the hokey pokey with someone else, or if you're perhaps a bit relieved? It all depends on your perspective. I know a guy who doesn't like having sex with his wife because he says her hu ha tastes funny. I told him to slip a slab of pork under the mattress and the next time she's pushing his head down there, to pull it out and rub it all over her business area. Then when he's going down on his honey, it'll taste just like a fancy meal.
On the other hand, a woman's vagina is a lot like a German motorcycle. If you tune it right and stab that throttle the right way it'll really scream. But it is also a precision instrument. Do you have a good mechanic that you trust? You don't want just anybody poking around in there. If not, better do the job yourself, just to be sure it's done right.
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