Me: What am I, 5 years old? My PEE PEE, seriously?
Wife: Oh shut up. Why is it blue?
Me: I don't know. It's just hanging there not doing anything. Why does it matter? Maybe it's blue because it's lonely? Maybe you need to pay more attention to it?
Wife: Oh ha ha.
Well, the Summer Olympics are over. NBC has been obsessing over the medal count. Oh China has more gold than we do, but we have more overall than anyone. And China cheated with those toddlers in gymnastics, dammit!
Here's something to think about:
The United States has 110 medals. China has 100 Russia has 72 The UK has 47 Australia has 46
Now let's consider an important factor. Every nation has to pull its' finest athletes from its' available population. So the more people a nation has, the more talent it should have available. What would the medal count look like if we corrected for population differences? I mean, China has over a billion people. How many medals would the United States have if we factored in the population difference? What would the medal count be for all of the top 5 in an equal world?
China has an estimated population of 1,321,851,888 The US has 301,139,947 Russia has 141,377,752 The United Kingdom has 60,776,238 Australia has 20,434,176
So, China has 4.4 more people than the United States, 9.4 more than Russia, 21.8 more than the UK, and 64.7 more than Australia. Let's factor this in and see what the new medal count would look like:
United States - 484 medals China - 100 medals Russia - 677 medals (anyone else notice that they have some of the fastest white women in the world in track?) UK - 1025 medals Australia - 2976 medals
So, Australia would have blown away everyone else by a mile if they just had more people. Which is why I need to move there. I used to be really good in track.
OK, OK, I know this isn't entirely scientific. I just multiplied the existing medal counts by the difference in population with China. It's a little more complicated than that even from a purely mathematical perspective, but even so, it was fun and would probably stir up a lot of excitement among the math challenged reporters at NBC.
Olympic competition
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DEAR NUDE: I am an avid yarder because I am not an American. Recently, for reasons too complicated to explain here, I have been neglectful of my yard. My neighbour, an American, saw fit to cut off three foot of my fifteen foot tomato plants that were over-hanging his fence and chuck them back over my side, because legally he's in the right. What is my best recourse of action? Failing that, do you have any good recipes for Salsa with green tomatoes? Cheers - THE SLUG PELLET
DEAR SLUG P: while you are quite right that your neighbor is legally within his rights in chopping your tomato plants to bits, that doesn't necessarily make him less of a donkey's scrotum for doing it. I suppose your best course of action would depend upon why he lopped off your tomato plants. Could he be allergic to them? Were they laying across the hood of his Jaguar, parked just on the other side? Had they attracted swarms of disgusting insects? Assuming none of these are the case, I must conclude that he was simply being a dick. As such, you are entitled to several courses of action:
Decorate his entire front lawn with long strands of toilet paper tossed delicately throughout all of his trees and shrubs in a fashion Americans call "rolling" or "TPing". Make sure to wrap up any vehicles left outside in the drive as well. Feel free to leave a burning paper sack filled with poo on the front porch and ring the bell just after you have finished with the decorations. This is, in fact, a long cherished American tradition and one which will likely win you great admiration from all the rest of the neighbors who have no doubt observed similarly obnoxious behaviors from this individual. People who so casually piss off their neighbors rarely do this sort of thing only once. I'm guessing he isn't Mr. Popular.
Alternatively, you might plant bamboo and kudzu where you once had flourishing tomato plants and make sure to let him know. This is more of a nuclear bomb/mutual destruction sort of approach, but it has quite an impact, especially long term, as nothing and no one can kill that shit once it has established itself and will leave him wishing for the days when his biggest worry was a sagging tomato plant.
You might also order a truckload of fresh horse manure to fertilize your garden and make sure to dump every bit of it right along the property line that you share with him. Water it good to maximize the odoriferous qualities of it for his benefit. Then go on a long vacation to Australia, taking me along with you.
Finally, there is the somewhat radical "Talking Heads" approach. That is to say, 'burning down the house'. It's easy and makes your point quite clearly - leave my shit alone or I'll burn down your fucking house.
If it turns out that he has some sort of legitimate reason for lopping your tomatoes, then buy yourself one of those wire-constructed, prison-cell-torture-looking contraptions that are tailor-made to prevent tomato plants from sagging over into the neighbors' yard and make good use of it. But always remember that your neighbor had no qualms about chopping your plants and keep that in the back of your mind. Good reason or not, he could have talked to you first.
DEAR MEMPHIS: I have gone my whole life thinking I hated beer but have recently discovered I was wrong (big time). Having read an interesting blog about dark beer I started doing some research and took to it like crack. My question is this.... I'm replacing my Starbucks with beer, one for one, (see I know you can't have it all) and though Starbucks has more calories I think I'm starting to gain weight. What's up with that? Should I go in for a tummy tuck, drink more so I don't notice it or what? - SLOSHING
DEAR SLOSHING: the key to drinking heavily and never gaining weight is to live in a location that has ready access to lots of quality alcohol, exercise paths, gyms, hot bodies and high quality beaches. It seems to me that if you're going to drink like an alcoholic but don't want to look like one then you need to live in the Capital of Alcoholism and Hotness - Australia, where Starbucks outlets are being closed in record numbers and replaced with top notch pubs, clubs and gyms. Australians have 2.1 personal trainers for every 5 Australian citizens, and they use them religiously. They also drink more alcohol than the entire Western world combined, which is especially amazing when you consider that there are only 20 million of these uber-fit guzzlers. With all of their obsessive exercising, motivated by the pressures of every city having huge, fabulous beaches filled with blazing hot bodies, they never look anything less than superb no matter how much they get their drink on. For all of their excessive drinking, they balance it out with equal amounts of excessive exercising, totally negating all the harmful effects of alcohol. So drink up, if that's what makes you happy, but pack your bags and head to Australia to do it properly and healthily. As it happens, several of us right here in this column are talking about going over to Australia together fairly soon. Grab your bottles and come with us. Perhaps we can all split a hotel room, share your beer, and go jogging together on the beach?
DEAR MEMPHIS: I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided was going to park my BMW R1150 GS motor cycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
DEAR BMW: This is a touchy situation. First, I'd ask if you really care if she's doing the hokey pokey with someone else, or if you're perhaps a bit relieved? It all depends on your perspective. I know a guy who doesn't like having sex with his wife because he says her hu ha tastes funny. I told him to slip a slab of pork under the mattress and the next time she's pushing his head down there, to pull it out and rub it all over her business area. Then when he's going down on his honey, it'll taste just like a fancy meal.
On the other hand, a woman's vagina is a lot like a German motorcycle. If you tune it right and stab that throttle the right way it'll really scream. But it is also a precision instrument. Do you have a good mechanic that you trust? You don't want just anybody poking around in there. If not, better do the job yourself, just to be sure it's done right.
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I keep dreaming about Australia, a place I've never been. I keep dreaming I'm wandering around Sydney, a city I've never visited. I can barely remember the details of my dream each morning when I wake up, but I can remember that I was alone, always. I try to remember if I talked to anyone, saw anyone, but I can't recall a single face or conversation. I am walking down sidewalks, standing on a bridge that I have only seen in photos, bumping people as they pass me, always going in the opposite direction. Every night for at least a week I have dreamed this.
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We temporarily interrupt this DEAR MEMPHIS funfest to bring you the following obligatory meme. This is a meme. This is only a meme. Do not adjust your set. Do not pass Go and collect $200. While we play this game, please continue to send your problems to DEAR MEMPHIS as requested in the previous post.
Madeline tagged me for this international orgy, er, meme. I'll get her back for this someday, but for now I will submit like a proper slave. Ooh, whip me beat me!
These are the rules:-
Rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged me. 2) Mention the rules. 3) Tell six quirky yet boring, unspectacular details about myself. 4) Tag six other blogger´s by linking to them. 5) Go to each person’s blog and leave a comment that lets them know they’ve been tagged.
Here are my replies:-
1. I can't do a straight up meme without being a smartass unless I'm just really depressed or tired. I don't know why. I guess I fall asleep before I can finish it if I don't make it entertaining for myself somehow.
2. I hate wearing watches and rings and jewelry in general. I frequently take off my watch and leave it places or, when there is nowhere to put it down, I switch it from wrist to wrist all day long.
3. I am slightly ambidextrous due to masturbation fatigue and necessity. Also, my family's DNA seems to be rather ambiguous about 'handedness', as the preferred hand alternated with each child born to my parents, giving them a rightie, a leftie, a rightie, a leftie and then finally me, who can cop a feel with either hand equally well.
4. I used to be painfully shy, especially around hot girls with big hooters. Now I slip money into their G-strings and call them 'baby' while they climb on me like a jungle gym and pretend to love me.
5. I can't seem to write anything without wandering off-topic for several paragraphs and then somehow falling back onto the original topic almost as if by accident. In face-to-face conversations, though, I'm to-the-point and no bullshit and I prefer the same in return. I hate when someone is telling me something and wanders off in the middle of it to talk about some unrelated crap for 5 minutes. I've nearly strangled people for this before.
6. I have ugly crooked toes. I'm so ashamed. Don't look at me. I'm hideous!
Now I tag the following victims:-
Elvis Presley Marilyn Monroe Jim Morrison John Wayne Jimi Hendrix James Dean
I can't wait to see their answers!
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DEAR MEMPHIS: I met an intelligent and absolutely drop-dead gorgeous young woman a few months ago. I thought everything was fine between us until a few weeks ago, so I wanted to get your take on it. A few months ago, the woman in question became the new bartender at one of my favorite nightclubs outside the local area. I spent a lot of hard-earned money for gas and tolls just so I could have drinks with her and talk when the club wasn't busy. About a month ago, she told me she was falling in love with me and wanted to start seeing me outside of the club. For a couple of weeks we were calling and texting each other like crazy until we finally decided to meet up at the beachfront across from the club for our first "official" date. When she didn't show up, I tried calling her, but got a strange recording. I then went across the street to the club to see if she got called in to work, and the manager said she had been fired a week ago and he thought she'd moved out of state. A couple of weeks passed and I was doing my best to heal from this ordeal, when, out of the blue, I get a call from her from an unknown number telling me that she was back in town and wanted to meet me for a movie and dinner that night. I showed up, but yet again, she did not. How many times should I let this happen before I give up on her? --- MYSTIFIED
DEAR MYSTY: Dude, she is totally fucking with you. How stupid can you be?
DEAR MEMPHIS: I am a 23-year-old Catholic male. The last serious relationship I was in ended when I was 17. Even though we dated for three years, we never went "all the way." Now I am intimidated by women who have more sexual history than I do. I have always believed that one sexual partner for one's entire life is the ideal. Recently, a 20-year-old woman whom I care for deeply told me in explicit detail about a sexual experience she had with a 45-year-old man she met on the Internet. She did not mean to have sex with him, she told me, and the circumstances as she explained them sounded like borderline rape. She only met him that one time and does not want me to ask her about the experience anymore because she wants to forget what happened. I am having trouble dealing with this because part of me wants to find that man and have him thrown in jail, and the other part of me wants to leave this woman. I am afraid that if I stay involved with her, the knowledge of that experience will eat away at me. It is hard for me to understand why she put herself in such a position to begin with. I think the only way I can stay with her is if I fully understand the circumstances of what happened. But I know this is very difficult for her, and if she was raped, I do not want to cause her more psychological harm by endlessly interrogating her. I have felt sick since she told me this, and I do not think I can stay with her if I can't come to terms with it. --- HEARTSICK
HEARTSICK: you being a Catholic schoolgirl virgin Mary may not understand this, but here's the deal, sometimes a girl just wants to fuck. There's no such thing as "borderline rape". It's either rape or it isn't. If it was rape she'd say "I was raped." But that's not what she said right? She wanted to fuck him, so she did. But now she sees what a puss you are so she doesn't want to try to explain this to you, which is why she says she doesn't want to talk to YOU about it anymore. If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about whether or not you can stay with her and come to terms and all that shit. She's going to dump your ass just as soon as she finds out that you're a virgin and have no skills.
DEAR MEMPHIS: As a 66-year-old man, I can't remember how long it's been, if ever, that I cared what other people thought of me. My daughter-in-law said I was the most arrogant person she ever met. I replied, "I prefer to call it self-assured." I think you have to like yourself before you are able to love others. What say you? --- JOHN DOE
DEAR JOHN: Listen, there is a difference between liking yourself and being an arrogant, know-it-all, obnoxious asshole. Your daughter-in-law apparently likes herself well enough to stand up to you and tell you what everyone else already thinks. I think it's not insignificant that you added "if ever" when explaining how you don't care what other people think, because it invalidates everything else you said in that sentence about being 66 years old. Say, you don't happen to run a forum on the internet all about the show Big Brother Australia and frequently leave comments over on Beejay's blog, do you? Just curious.
DEAR MEMPHIS: I'm a 20-something female. At my gym I made the mistake of politely saying hello to a stranger, a 50-ish male, because he said hi to me. In so doing, I unwittingly opened the floodgates to this man's personal history (sexual exploits included), medical problems, unsolicited health advice, all of which he broadcasts in a detailed (and gross) monologue while I huff away on the bike, then the treadmill. My part in the conversation includes head nods and "uh-huhs." This guy must be thicker than a neutron cloud in a sauna because he just doesn't get it. How do I get him to leave me alone without being rude? --- ABOUT TO PULL A VAN GOGH
DEAR VAN GOGH: have you tried hitting him in the nuts with a medicine ball? I have a friend who did this once and it worked better than she'd hoped. Of course, it was an accident and he was her personal trainer, but still, no sense wasting a thoroughly tested method if we know it works. Go get that medicine ball!
OK, so if you have any important questions you need answered, relationship questions or personal problems that you are too embarrassed to ask the local bartender or Hooters waitress or your friends at the nail salon about, or even if your car is making a noise or you have a funny mole, send your questions to me, either by placing them in the comments following this post, or by sending them to me in an email at nudememphis at yahoo dot com, okaaaaay? I'll answer a few of them in about a week if I get any. You should probably only ask joke questions, though, as I'm likely only going to give joke answers. Thanks ya'll.
Hey Madeline, I told you I'd do it. Thanks for the idea.
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1) Go to Australia, hit the beach, drown in a riptide
2) Have kids
3) Be happy
4) Make $10 million
5) Jessica Biel (she might not go along willingly with this)
6) Jump out of an airplane
7) Get my passport so I can (see #1)
7 things I can do
1) Complicated computer shit
2) Make people laugh (either with me or at me, it’s all about the same)
3) write poetry that makes people cringe
4) sing so badly that people beg me to stop and never sing again
5) Have somewhat creative ideas that are never used by anyone
6) Curse like a demon possessed sailor
7) Ride the piss out of a sport bike
7 things I cannot do
1) Sing
2) Discipline myself to get off the internet
3) Go along to get along without making some smart-assed remark
4) Hide my feelings
5) Maintain a continuous workout pattern without a partner
6) Go to bed on time (see #2)
7) Dance without looking like I’m injured or in some way suffering great pain
7 things that attract me to the opposite sex
1) Great sense of humor
2) Smiling eyes (think Heather Graham)
3) Long beautiful hair
4) Boobs of quality, moreso than quantitty
5) Makes me feel relaxed and happy
6) Accepts me without plotting to change me (that narrows the field quite a bit, doesn’t it?)
7) Loves to get naked
7 things I say most often
1) Oh fuck me
2) Son-of-a-bitch!
3) Aaaaaaaaah FUCK!
4) If it makes you happy
5) Oh, that’s bullshit!
6) What the fuck?!
7) You cunt-licking, ass-plugging, child-molesting fucking piece of shit!
7 celebrity crushes
1) Carmen Electra
2) Jessica Biel
3) Kelly Rippa
4) Joanna Garcia (hot daughter on ‘Reba’)
5) Shannon Elizabeth
6) Kate Beckinsale
7) Audrey Tatou
7 people who need to do this
1) Unique Stephen
2) Kylie (as if)
3) Bonnie
4) Spiky Zora Jones
5) Stacy the Peanut Queen
6) Emma K
7) Krissyface
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Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for LETHAL INJECTIONS?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
* Sent to me by Poody
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Today's post is over at Burt's Stache. Please go have a look. I need all the support I can get.
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A girl in Sydney, Australia, named Kylie, challenged me to find her on Facebook. She said if I could find her then she'd add me as a friend. This is where the trouble started. No matter how I try to search for friends, including Kylie, your search engine filters everything I do based on my account information rather than simply searching based on the information I provide. Thus I get all the Kylies in Memphis, Tennessee, but nothing for Australia. When I ask someone else to do the very same search, they see everyone who matches the criteria without filters. How do I delete any and all filters from my searchers? I'm trying to find Kylie in Australia, but your search engine keeps filtering and telling me there is NO ONE named 'Kylie' in all of Australia.
Sincerely, Memphis From: "Facebook Support" To: nudememphis@yahoo.com
Hi,
Fake names are a violation of our Terms of Use. Facebook requires users to provide their full first and last names (i.e. no initials). Nicknames can be used in the form of FirstName 'NickName' LastName, but only if they are a variation on your real first or last name, such as 'Bob' instead of 'Robert'. Additionally, please note that impersonating anyone or anything is prohibited.
If you would like to use this profile again, just get back to us with your real name, and we will reactivate the account for you.
Thanks for your understanding,
Cassidy User Operations Facebook From: "Memphis" To: "Facebook Support"
Seriously? I come to you with a problem and your response is to not solve the problem and then to shut down my account? This is customer service to you?!
My real name is Steve Jones, but all my friends on this account will only know me as Memphis, Memphis Steve, or Blue Memphis. Even Kylie, who as it turns out, was only kidding and has no intention of actually adding me to her list of friends, knows me as Memphis Steve, which is why it only makes sense for that to be my name here. My name is what people know me as. If I set up an account as Rumplestiltskin and no one knows me by that name, it isn't very useful to me, now is it? Anyway, my name is Steve Jones.
yours truly, Steve "Memphis" Jones From: Facebook Support To: nudememphis@yahoo.com Date: Thursday, July 31, 2008, 1:31 PM
Hi,
Creating more than one Facebook account is a violation of our Terms of Use. Once your account has been disabled, you are no longer allowed to access the site. This includes registering a second account with this or any other email address.
If you reply with your full, real name, we will make the necessary changes and reactivate your account. We will also address your original inquiry when we have received this information. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Thanks for your understanding,
Cassidy User Operations Facebook From: "Memphis" To: "Facebook Support"
Dear sweet Cassidy,
If you read my email, or scroll down in this one, you will see that I ALREADY DID include my full real name. Steve Jones is my real name. I can't make this shit up. Blame my parents for my uber generic name. It's the reason why people know me as 'Memphis Steve', because 'Steve Jones', the real name I gave you previously, is as common as 'John Smith' or 'Ho Chi Min Kim' or 'Anupe Patel'. Steve Jones, that's my name. Ask me again and I'll tell you the same. I once had a college professor named "Phat Ho" from Thailand or some such place. Now there's an unfortunate name. I'll bet you'd flag that sucker as fake in a heartbeat and lock his account, too, wouldn't you? And it's his real damn name, the poor bastard. Did I mention that I'm a genius? I am a skilled technological motherfucker. In fact, I noticed from your IP address that you aren't working from a corporate office. You seem to be at your home in Ohio? Wow, I'll bet I can find your address and phone number if I really try. I'm damn good at what I do. Not modest, but damn good.
I wonder if Kylie did all this to me for a laugh? You know, she's a sweetie deep down, but I don't think I tweak her interest all that much. Still, you should see her in her naughty nurse outfit. Wow!
So, not to seem pushy or rude, but how long until you think my account will be open again?
Hugs and kisses, Memphis Steve Jones From: "Facebook Support" To: nudememphis@yahoo.com
Hi Steve,
Your name has been changed, and we have reactivated your account. We apologize for any inconvenience.
We are aware of the problem with Search that you described and hope to resolve it as soon as possible. Sorry for any inconvenience. Let me know if you have any further questions.
Thanks for contacting Facebook,
Cassidy User Operations Facebook And now for something marginally related ...
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A boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt, and he'll pass a Harley Davidson. "
* Stacy the Peanut Queen sent me this
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