1. Were you named after anyone?
Yes, I was named after my older brother. You know, 'cause he was named first.
2. When was the last time you cried?
I don't know. Perhaps it was the last time I played soccer and this son-of-a-bitch hook-kicked me in the groin while he took a dive to draw a penalty. I don't know why he did it since he had already kicked the ball into the goal, but I guess some people are just assholes. I ended up in the hospital with a separated shoulder, a sprained neck, a mild concussion, and two severely bruised and swollen testicles. Oh, and the ref actually stopped them taking me off the field to the hospital to yellow card me because he didn't know what happened and just assumed I must have pushed the fucker (I never even made contact with him beyond my genitals and his foot.) While I was in the ER, the asshole did the same thing to another one of our players. I never heard whether he got another yellow card on us out of it or not. Turns out he was an illegal player in the first place, a ringer from the University of Memphis.
3. Do you like your handwriting?
It's been so long since I've even seen my own handwriting, who can say? I use a keyboard.
4. What is your favorite lunch meat?
How boring is this question? My favorite lunch meat? I'd have to say, Carmen Electra over easy on white bread. And I'm the white bread.
5. Do you have kids?
Let's just not even discuss this.
6. If you were another person would you be friends with you?
Yes, in fact, if I were another person who happened to be a really hot girl, I'd be my secret lover.
7. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Noooo, I never use sarcasm!
8. Do you still have your tonsils?
Tonsils and testicles, yep, still have all of them.
9. Would you bungee jump?
Sure, why not?
10. What is your favorite cereal?
Geez, again with the food? I guess I'd say, Carmen Electra in milk. She stays crispy.
11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Yes, and then I kick them into the ceiling fan to see if I can thread it between the blades and hit the ceiling, too. It's a game I like to play. My wife calls it, "wrecking the ceiling fan, you dumbass."
12. Do you think you are strong?
No, I had a shower just this morning. I'm clean and odor free.
13. What is your favorite ice cream?
Carmen Electra with chocolate syrup
14. What is the first thing you notice about people?
Whether or not they appear to be armed.
15. Pink or red?
Pink and swollen with enthusiasm
16. What is the least favorite thing about yourself?
I'm too good-looking. Sometimes I feel guilty about it.
17. Who do you miss the most?
The neighbor's tom cat. I used to be a crack shot with my old BB gun, but I'm out of practice and he's damned lucky.
18. Do you want everyone to send this back to you?
No, not everyone. Not those Nigerian bankers who want to share millions of found dollars with me and those UK lottery notifiers who tell me I'm rich. They can just keep it.
19. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?
This is a survey of desperation, isn't it? What kind of food do I like? What pants am I wearing? I'm wearing some lame khaki Dockers and poop brown shoes. My coworker, by the way, is wearing an identical pair of khaki Dockers along with his fucking pink shirt again. What's up with that?
20. What was the last thing you ate?
Carmen El ... wait, that was just a dream. Dammit. I woke up with my mouth watering and morning wood like oak.
21. What are you listening to right now?
The sounds of my coworkers talking about the Hooters bikini contest that's going on today.
22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Oh good God, what a question! I guess I'd be blood red.
23. Favorite smells?
Did I mention my dream about Carmen Electra?
24. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My wife, calling to tell me that I left my cell phone at the new house and it was ringing when she walked in the door to find the house filled with Clorox bleach fumes.
25. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yes, she's a sweetie!
26. Favorite sports to watch?
Nude female supermodel ultimate fighting
27. Eye Color
Is this a question? You want to know my eye color or my favorite eye color? I like Carmen Electra's eyes. I like Cindy Crawford's eyes. I like eyes that make your heart beat faster. I like eyes that make you feel passion just by looking at you.
28. Do you wear contacts?
No, but if you need me to in order to roll play and get this freak on then I will.
29. Favorite food?
Geez, again with the food questions? I like taco. I like fish. I like Carmen Electra. How many ways can I say this?
30. Scary movies or happing endings?
Scary movies with happy endings. I hate that shit where they do weird things like the girl finally makes it home with her daughter and her husband is worried and calling her and they get a connection, but can't hear each other. And then she is home and he is home, but they are somehow in alternate realities so that they cannot see each other and are not together. That just pissed me off. She was pretty hot though.
31. Last movie you watched?
The one I just bitched about the ending of, Dark Town or City of Darkness or something.
32. What color shirt are you wearing?
Oh I see, you got my pants and shoes and now you want my shirt, too? This sounds suspiciously like you are stalking me and trying to find out how to spot me. My shirt is three colors: green, blue, and red. I blend into the walls like a chameleon.
33. Summer or winter?
Summer at the beach.
34. Hugs or kisses?
Yes please.
35. Favorite dessert?
This quiz came out of some women's magazine, didn't it? All this talk about food, it has to have been from some women's magazine, probably between the Rate Your Mate article and the feminist propaganda about why men all suck article.
36. Most likely to respond?
Carmen Electra, with her address and phone number.
37. Least likely to respond?
That sexy German Moscone girl who nearly got kicked off the bus for her awesome breasts that distracted the driver.
38. What book are you reading now?
Blink
39. What is on your mouse pad?
It's solid black
40. What did you watch on TV last night?
Beauty and the Geek
41. Favorite sound?
Yes! Yes! Yes!
42. Rolling stones or Beatles?
Depends on my mood
43. What is the furthest you have been from home?
Either Ontario or one of the Caribbean islands. I don't know which was further.
44. Do you have a special talent?
I used to. I haven't gotten to use it in awhile. If Carmen would fucking call me we could see if I can still do it, dammit.
45. Where were you born?
In the same hospital where my brother and youngest sister were born, where my youngest sister nearly died at age 18, and my father did die.
46. Whose answers are you looking forward to getting back?
Is there anyone out there? Hellooooooooooo! You! Yes, you behind the drapes. Stand still, laddie!
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