Dear Damn Cats,
When I say to move, it means get out of my way, not slap your tail against the carpet and glare at me or continue weaving in and out between my feet.
The dishes on the floor next to your water are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing your foot or your nose in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish. And hell yeah, you'd better run after you do that! I've got a bucket of water with your name on it and you're about to become a Baptist.
The stairway is not your personal bedroom. If you sleep there I will be stepping on you. Get used to it. Walking in front of me and tripping me is not appreciated in the least and will be the death of you and me both. I fall faster than you can run. I also know where you like to hide and I can SO reach you back there. Remember why you hate the broom handle so much? Let me remind you.
My bed is not yours and you are not allowed to sleep there ever again. Don't act like you don't know why. How many cats are in this house to poop in the center of my pillow? Yeah, you knew when you did it that you were going to get busted. I don't care why you were mad at me, it doesn't make up for what you did. You trip me down the stairs and I don't poop in your bed, do I? Yeah, no kitty in my bed. It's your own damned fault, smartass.
When you jump into my lap while I'm reading you do not get to be angry about the intrusion into your space. Kicking the book away from you is not going to make me put it down. If the pages touching you is so bothersome you can just go back to sleeping on the floor and leave me alone. The book was here first. Get over it.
If you climb into my lap and release those deadly farts I am always going to throw you across the room. This is how it works. You know what you ate out in the yard earlier today and you know what it does to you. If you plan on farting then don't get in my lap. If you do then learn to love flying. I can throw you a long way.
There is no secret exit from the bathroom. It's no different than your litter box. One way in and one way out. It is not necessary for you to try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I also don't much care for you climbing into my pants and going to sleep while they are down around my ankles. All that cat hair in my underwear is itchy.
If you must rub yourself against me please do it while I am dry. I don't know what this fascination you have is with me being soaking wet and you needing to rub yourself all over me. And for God's sake, stop licking my shins when I'm sweaty. That's just gross.
When I touch your feet I am not trying to kill you. Stop hissing and calm down. I was just messing with you.
My lap is not your mother's tit. Stop with all the kneading. It hurts and you're way too old to be doing that.
Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. The cat lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want cat hair on your clothes, stay out of their chair. Yes, they claimed it and now it's theirs. Can't you SEE all the hair there?
3. I like my cat a lot better than I like most people. Don't push your luck.
4. To you, he's a cat. To me, he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need agazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the kittens.
6. If you don't want him to claw you don't stick your hand where he can claw it.
7. Never, ever touch the cat's belly. You'll get your blood all over my carpet.
8. If you don't think facial scars are attractive you might not want to be sticking your nose so close to his nose like that.
9. Don't ever touch his feet. Don't ever touch his tail.
10. Of course you can pet him. Why would you even ask that?
You have read this article with the title Cat Rules - cause there needs to be some. You can bookmark this page URL http://thebohemianbunny.blogspot.com/2005/12/cat-rules-cause-there-needs-to-be-some.html. Thanks!
