Gay-American

So the governor of New Jersey is resigning. And he says it is because he is a "gay-American."



When did "gay-American" become a new hyphenated category? This caught me by surprise. I was unaware that it was necessary to add "-American" to "gay" when identifying oneself as such.



More important than that, really, is the question of who gets to decide what these hyphenated categories are and who is in them?



I mean, when do I get to decide what everyone else should identify me as? When do I get to create a new category of hyphenated entitlement for myself?



A little history here: I am technically a straight-male-Scottish-Irish-Welsh-Native-American. Other identifiers shall be added as I achieve "greater consciousness" of them. But that isn't really how I want to be identified. I mean, for crying out loud, it's just too freakin' long. And most of those labels aren't even included in government documents for me to check off anyway. Only "Native-American" offers me any hope of getting free tax-money and government contracts after I start up my own "minority-owned" business. But for that I have to be able to prove that I am somehow connected to my tribe or a reservation, which I am not.



I want something that REALLY identifies me. I want something that says, "this is who I am under the surface, on weekends when I get to relax, scratch myself, and fart."



I want to be known as an independent thinking, bullshit detecting, write-in ballot voting, soccer playing, muscle car driving, gun shooting, computer programming, underpaid, overworked, book reading, internet addicted, God-fearing, Southern male American.



And whenever I get caught doing something wrong, like blackmailing my brother-in-law while stealing from the state of New Jersey and making illegal real estate deals then I want to be able to pull this label out and use it as a shield, saying "if you prosecute me it means you are an irrational religious bigot who hates all independent thinking, bullshit detecting, write-in ballot voting, soccer playing, muscle car driving, gun shooting, computer programming, underpaid, overworked, book reading, internet addicted, God-fearing, Southern male Americans, and you should be ashamed!

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