The Three Bears
Once upon a time there were three bears - Papa Bear, Mama Bear and wee little Baby Bear.
All three of the Bears were great big and fat, as they lived in America and ate way too much fried food while watching reality shows on TV all day long.
The Bears never exercised and only ever left their house to go to work or WalMart for food or cheap crap from China that they really didn't need, but weren't going to be able to use for very long anyway, because cheap Chinese crap always breaks before too long.
One day, while Mama Bear was heating up a pot pie in the microwave, Papa Bear was watching men dressed in pink tutus play professional football on television, and Baby Bear was glued to his computer playing a computer game, in walked a little blonde girl named Goldilocks.
Goldilocks
Goldilocks was from Bavaria and didn't eat fried food much at all. She rarely watched television, which was just as well because Bavaria doesn't have very many stupid reality shows on their channels anyway. And she had to walk uphill everywhere she went, which kept her slim and pretty and in great physical shape.
But one thing Goldilocks and the rest of the people from Bavaria did a lot of was to drink beer. She drank big old glass mugs filled with beer. And not the cheap, watery American beer that Papa Bear drank, either. She drank good old Bavarian Oktoberfest-style beer, loaded with alcohol, hops and barley, and good for whatever ails ya.
On this fine day, Goldilocks had drank a whole lot of beer before going for a 10 mile walk just for the fun of it. She was a little tipsy and a lot lost.
"Hallo, wo zur Hölle bin ich?" Goldilocks said aloud in a thick Bavarian accent as she stood just inside the Bears house, which means, "Hello, where the hell am I?". But none of the Bears could hear her, because the microwave was humming, the TV was blaring the sounds of football, and the computer speakers blasting laser sound effects and big soundcard enhanced explosions.
So she walked into the living room where Papa Bear and Baby Bear both were and said it again, "wo zur Hölle bin ich?" Still, no one answered because they did not hear her.
Goldilocks was very hungry, having walked far more than 10 miles because she got lost in the woods. So, being a little drunk, and very Germanic, she decided to just go ahead and make herself something to eat. The Bears didn't seem to mind her being in their house, and they sure were very rude, so why not?
Goldilocks walked into the kitchen just as Mama Bear took her freshly microwaved pot pie and walked out the other door at the opposite end. She began searching the refrigerator until she found a box containing some Kentucky Fried Chicken left over from the Bears supper the night before.
"Mmm, huhn schmeckt gut!" she said, which means, "mmm, chicken will taste good!" And she popped the whole box into the microwave and began heating it up.
Food!
Ding! In a few short minutes the chicken was warm and ready to eat, so Goldilocks sat down at the kitchen table and ate it all, stopping only long enough to go the refrigerator and pour herself a glass of milk to go with it.
After eating all the chicken, Goldilocks decided to go into the den where the Bear family was to ask if they might tell her where she was and how to find her way home again.
Where am I?
"Wollen sie bitte sagen Sie mir, wo ich bin?" she said as she walked into the room and stood beside the couch where Papa Bear and Mama Bear were both sitting and staring like zombies at the Pepsi commercial on the TV. The commercial was very loud, and Papa Bear had just paid Best Buy to install a new home theater sound system that could vibrate a Bear right off the couch with the deep digitally-enhanced sound the speakers produced. Papa Bear didn't hear her. Neither did Mama Bear. And Baby Bear had put on his headphones because Mama Bear complained that his computer game was too loud and distracting her from the TV. So he didn't hear Goldilocks either.
Tired and frustrated, and a little bit drunk, Goldilocks sat down in a chair next to the couch. The chair was a cheap Chinese knock-off of an antique Victorian chair and had almost no padding at all.
This chair is too hard!
"Guter Herr, dieser Stuhl ist zu hart!" Goldilocks exclaimed.
So she moved to another chair. But she fell into it like a fat man sitting on a giant marshmallow, sinking in until her feet came up off the floor.
Mein Gott, dieser Stuhl ist zu weich! she said, and stood up again with great effort.
She went and sat in the chair in front of the computer, where Baby Bear had been sitting before he had to get up and go use the bathroom. He had been drinking Cokes all morning long while playing his game and was nearly bursting before he reluctantly left his seat.
This chair is just right
"Schließlich, ein Stuhl, ist bequem." Goldilocks said, relieved.
But just as she was getting comfortable, Baby Bear returned and without even looking at her, nearly sat on top of her before unpausing his game and returning to mindless play. Goldilocks had to jump out of his way to avoid being squashed under the fat little bear.
"Sie bären sind sehr unhöflich!" Goldilocks exclaimed angrily. But Baby Bear had returned his headphones to his head, and Mama and Papa Bear were too caught up in the surround sound enhanced noises of the pink football game to hear her.
Exhausted now, Goldilocks decided to go find a place to lie down. Clearly she wasn't going to be getting home anytime soon if she had to rely on the help of the Bears. So she might as well get some sleep.
Goldilocks went upstairs to sleep
She walked upstairs and found 1 large open room with 3 beds. She thought to herself that it was no surprise The Bears only had 1 child with sleeping arrangements like these.
She threw herself down on the first bed she came to, which was Papa Bear's bed. It was the hardest, most uncomfortable bed she had ever been on.
Ouch, that bed is too hard and it hurts!
"Autsch, ist das bett hart wie ein stein!" Goldilocks shouted, finding the bed so hard that she wondered if she might have injured herself.
Next she tried Mama Bear's bed, a big pink fluffy mountain of decorative pillows, comforters, afghans, and stuffed dolls. She sank into it like Jello, with all the decorative pillows and stuffed dolls falling in on top of her.
This bed is ridiculous. I feel like I'm stuffed inside a burrito!
"Das bett ist lächerlich. Ich fühle mich wie ich in ein burrito gefüllt bin," Goldilocks exclaimed.
With great effort, Goldilocks managed to climb out of the sunken mass of feminine decoration and fluff. In frustration she threw decorative pillows across the room. Then she walked to the last bed, Baby Bear's bed. It was shaped like a racecar and had Speedracer sheets.
She plopped down on the bed and fell right onto a plastic racecar, which jabbed her in the abdomen and made her curse with pain, "gibt verdammt, es ein normales Bett im Plenum dumm?!"
She threw the racecar across the room, hitting the wall and breaking it. Then she got up and began looking around the room. That's when she noticed the old fashioned telephone sitting on the table between Papa Bear and Mama Bear's beds.
A telephone!
"A telefon, Gott sei dank!" she exclaimed as she ran over to the telephone, picked it up and dialed home.
10 minutes later, Goldilocks' father pulled up outside the house. His caller ID had given him the telephone number Goldilocks was calling from, and Googling the number gave him the address. Goldilocks was SO happy to see him.
Dad is here!
Seeing her father's car, Goldilocks ran downstairs and straight out the front door, slamming it behind her.
Don't slam the door!
"Don't slam the door!" Papa Bear grumbled without looking away from the TV.
Who are you talking to?
"Who are you talking to, dear?" Mama Bear asked, seeing Baby Bear still sitting at the computer playing his game.
"Hmm?" Papa Bear asked.
But Mama Bear didn't hear him. She was distracted by a commercial for a new diet Dr. Pepper drink.
Goldilocks jumped happily into her father's car, shut the door, and away for home they went.
Goldilocks goes home
"Diese Amerikaner sind extrem behaarten und fett," she said, smiling at her father who was very relieved to have found her. He just laughed.
And they lived happily ever after.
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