Boom Boom Boom, Weeho

So, considering the earthquakes, floods, wars, revolutions, earthquakes combined with floods creating iPad shortages, all of which have happened in the first quarter of 2011 alone, I can hardly pretend to have any excitement in my life worth blogging about. Nevertheless, as this is my blog, I have a certain obligation to publish the various random stupidity that comprise the thoughts in my mind in hopes that someone somewhere might find it useful and/or entertaining. So here goes:



Libya
Why the hell are we invading Libya? Didn't all the Obama supporters demand that we "stop the war" and get out of every foreign country we were sending our military to? Didn't Joe Biden insist that he was going to make it his top priority to impeach President Bush if we invaded Iran for any reason? And now here we are, without Congressional approval, invading Libya. And no one has the slightest inkling as to why we're there at all. Maybe they have a stash of rare iPad 2s or something?



The Economy

White House representatives, that is to say, the Press, keep repeating over and over that the American economy is in full scale recovery and everything is super duper awesome thanks to Obama. Yet, much like the Republican primaries where no one could figure out who voted for McCain, no one in the real world can find any signs of this mythical 'recovery' that is supposedly happening all around us. Housing sales are the lowest they've ever recorded them as being. House prices have taken a 10-year step backwards in time, much like our 10-year-dead stock market. The death of the housing market means bad things for our economy, not just today, but for the next several years. The claims that unemployment is down are not matched by the reality currently being experienced by 1 out of every 4 American workers, especially the male workers. Obama's war on fuel has driven the cost of gas and home heating through the roof, adding fuel to the fire that is the daily misery of the unemployed, the underemployed, and the underpaid in America. Meanwhile, he claims its not his no-drilling policies, but the oil companies who are to blame because they aren't pulling oil from stones where no oil exists even as he blocks them from pulling oil from the deposits where we know oil does exist. "Hope and change", post-election, has since been shortened to "Denial."



My Life
Fuck my life. I need to sell something, take the money, and go fly to a beach somewhere all by myself to just sit and stare at the waves while I try to decide what I want to do for the remainder of my existence. It's clear that I will never have what I wanted, so perhaps its time I threw off everything and everyone associated with what I had wanted and form a new plan and a new life?



Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen gets high, locks a porn star prostitute in a closet, snorts a suitcase full of cocaine, shows up late for work, goes to rehab, has 5 kids with 3 hot women, owns several mansions, has a net worth of $89 million, gets fired from his show, goes bonkers all over the TV and internet, and gets rewarded with offers to do shows on 2 different networks for his trouble. My life, compared to his, can't even be called a life. I live the life of a fruit fly compared to Charlie Sheen's life. I'm dead already in the time it takes Charlie Sheen to find 2 new hot girls to move in with and later sue him for millions per month in child support and alimony, plus a house. He will probably die soon, but on his tombstone they will print the word "WINNING" in big block letters. On my tombstone they will probably misspell my name and get the dates wrong, making it appear that I died before I was born or some such stupidity. And it will be oddly appropriate.



Chickenshit Americans
Americans have been wanting to hear that the sky is falling for as long as I can remember. Bullshit tales of how the world is ending and we're all going to die seem to be the best selling load of shit on TV, in movies, in our headlines and in books and magazines all across the country. It seems that the more comfortable and wealthy Americans are, the more they want to hear that a flaming rock is going to fall from the sky and crush them dead. We have all the oil we need to power our country located within our own borders, yet we refuse to allow anyone to get it. Thus, we have a great need for nuclear power. But we are scared of it because something might happen - what, we don't even know - but just the possibility that anything at all might go wrong paralyzes our country into not using an energy source that countries like France and Russia have been using successfully for years and years. We freak out because Japan has some cracks in a nuclear plant that is old, antiquated and, oh by the way, was hit by a combination of the biggest fucking earthquake anyone can remember and a giant tidal wave that washed entire populations of cities out to sea. Yet still we expect that nothing is supposed to go wrong in any way with a nuclear plant after a disaster like that?! We have entire refineries blowing the fuck up in places like Texas, without even having earthquakes and tsunamis to blame for the disaster, and yet we don't mind this at all. A giant ball of fire is something we can see as it engulfs us and turns us into toast. So we're good with that. But nuclear power is something most Americans don't understand, so they fear it. We fear nuclear power, even though the French are man enough for it, but we don't fear placing our lives in the hands of lunatics like Gadhafy and Chavez, the idiot dictator who just declared that capitalism destroyed life on Mars. When did Americans become this stupid? Was it before or after Oprah?

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FML

I have to transfer a car title. That means that at least one weekday I will have to be in Memphis so that I can go to the DMV and get a new title and tag. As long as I'm going to have to do this, I'm thinking of applying for a personalized tag that says "FML" - I wonder if they'll give it to me? You have to list 3 options in case your first choice isn't available. I'm thinking of listing the following -
1) FML
2) OMG FML
3) WTF FML


Monday I was in my pump class, sweating like a pig, huffing like an ashmatic rhinosaurus, and clogged with snot by my stupid allergies, while all around me hot women were huffing and puffing, too, but oddly never sweating. My sinuses were clogged to the point of being useless, which meant that I had to stop and put my weights down so I could blow my nose. I hate blowing my nose in class. People always look at me like I'm the Elephant Man. But if I don't do it then I can't breathe, so I have no choice. But this being me, of course, it all went horribly wrong.

I blew my nose as quickly and quietly as I could, wiping the disgustingness off my face and stuffing the handkerchief back into the pocket of my workout shorts - yes, I have to wear shorts with pockets, which makes me look freaky. I thought I had done a pretty good job of it, all things considered. But then I thought I heard the sound of a group of females going "eeeewwwwwww." It may have been imagined or it may have been real, I don't know, but I quickly wiped my face with my hand to make sure nothing disgusting was hanging out of my nose or anything. My face was clean. Then I looked down at my shirt. There was a big nasty booger on my chest that had somehow exploded past the handkerchief and escaped. I was a walking, sweating, panting, pumping, nasty human booger. Awesome. FML


Tuesday, as I was driving to lunch, I noticed a police car in a side parking lot driving like a maniac through the lot and heading towards the road with his blue lights flashing. I was in a group of cars all going the same speed. None of us were doing anything unusual, smoking pot, shooting at each other, surfing on the hoods of our vehicles, or driving naked. The cop skidded out onto the road and came up behind me. I pulled over, nearly running up a curb in the process, and he pulled in behind me. WTF?

He got out and came up to my window, demanding to see not only my license, but also my proof of insurance and registration, which no veteran cop ever does anymore, so I knew he was a rookie. I had to dig through piles of papers in my truck to find all that crap because NO ONE EVER ASKS FOR IT. He took my license and insurance card and told me if I find my registration to bring it back to his car. Great, if he were just going to yell at me he wouldn't be taking my license to his car to sit down.

I dug out every receipt I had received in the last 2 years, every old, expired insurance card, and 3 years worth of old registration documents before I found this year's. I took it to him. He said I was doing 55 in a 40 zone. I said, "no, I wasn't." He just looked at me. I went back to my truck. I'm old enough to know what a waste of time it is to argue with a cop about much of anything. Tell it to the judge isn't just something TV cops enjoy saying because it sounds coplike. It's just how it is.

He came to my window and handed me a ticket. He said if I wanted to do traffic school I'd have to appear in court and ask the judge. Oh really? And pay the court costs, too, right? I see how this works. I took the ticket and watched him drive away. Then I read the ticket. According to him, I am 5'6" and weigh 160 lbs. I was also born in december of 1959 and my social security number is 518-86-7048. The fuck? Whose ticket is this?!

So I'm thinking he pulled someone else over and started to write them a ticket, but something persuaded him to stop mid-ticket and let them go, at which point he needed someone else to slap it on since every ticket has to be accounted for. And he chose me. 5'6" sounds like a girl. So maybe he pulled over an ex-girlfriend or a hooker and she gave him a blowjob to get out of it? But wait, 5'6" and 160 lbs - I think not. Not unless he was desperate for that blowjob. Maybe he pulled over his own mother? He pulled over his own mother and started to write her up. But she threatened to kick him out of the house if he did, so he stopped and let her go. Yeah, that sounds about right. And then he gave her ticket to me because SOMEONE has to pay this thing. FML


My post from the other day was totally fucked up, and it's all my fault. I've done "Wordless Wednesday" before and I know how it works. You post a photo and no words. Well, I had meant to crop out all the words from that photo and simply post the wordless picture, as you are supposed to do. But I've been stressed and busy. I forgot. I posted a wordy photo for Wordless Wednesday, which is just unbelievably stupid. FML


Tuesday after work, as I was pulling out of the parking lot in the pouring rain, the DJ on the radio was giving a traffic report. The DJ was informing us that we were under a flood warning, which I could clearly see for myself as everything around me was underwater. The DJ then said that a cop was stuck in the median on the very same road where I had gotten my ticket earlier that day. Witnesses had called to say that his blue lights were flashing and he was spinning his tires in the mud, sinking deeper and deeper. I wondered, could it be the same cop who gave me a ticket meant for his own mother earlier that day? As I drove past, I looked and saw him. Indeed it was the same cop, and he was in a ditch filling with water, looking rather angry at his predicament, and as stuck as he could be. I imagined I could hear him saying, as I drove out of sight, "FML"



Speaking of fucked lives:

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