It's still Fuck You Friday and the news is ever stimulating. Here are some of this weeks's top stories.
Ahmadinejad challenges Bush to debate
Yeah, and Woody Allen challenges Mike Tyson to “step outside”. Big fuckin' deal. It’s easy to challenge someone when you know they won’t bother with you. It’s like throwing rocks at a train.
Receding Texas lake reveals old skeleton
Damn, I never thought ANYONE would find that! What are the odds?!
Chappelle says he's glad he left TV show
That’s because he’s crazy. Anyone besides me remember how crazy he is? He went to South Africa for help. This says pretty much all anyone ever needs to know.
After London zoo theft, both monkey and alleged abductor behind bars
Geez, I wonder what sentence the monkey will get? Must have been an inside job.
It may sound crazy at first, but if you think about it then it becomes more and more logical. Certain breeds of dogs would probably make better drivers than many people I know. The biggest advantage would be that dogs would never be on their cell phones while driving. They don’t need them. They just bark out the windows.
Cops fire at man thought to be fugitive
So they just thought maybe he was a fugitive? Meaning he might not have been? And they just went ahead and shot at him just in case, right? Yeah, where was this again? I don’t want to live there. Wait, I already live in Memphis. Nevermind, it’s too late.
Man's gun fires in Wal-Mart bathroom
Where was the man? Was he not there, too? Was he out in the parking lot somewhere or over in sporting goods when his gun just up and fired itself for no apparent reason? Why would his gun be in the bathroom? Did it need to go pee? Maybe this headline is a wee bit misleading?
Man on trial for threats to judge threatens judge
Well, if at first you don’t succeed, try try again. I think you all know my opinion of the average judge by now, eh? Maybe we should hook this guy up with Mr. WalMart bathroom gunman?
Drug use up for boomers, down for teens
Has there ever been a time in the entire existence of baby boomers in which they weren’t more heavily into drugs than anyone else? There has never been, nor is there ever likely to be, a generation that uses drugs as much as the baby boomers. This isn’t a news flash. It’s just true. Have you seen the video footage of Woodstock? Oh my God.
Bill Clinton assails 9/11 TV drama
What, did he fly a jet into the side of it? What’d he do? Remember when he shot the Chinese embassy with a missile and then said “oops”? Yeah, that was classic.
Group says giant worm must be protected
Yes, of course it needs protection, because those Japanese are going to call in Godzilla to attack it like they always do. I’ve seen this one. The worm shoots rays from it’s ass and Godzilla burns it up with fire, turning it into a giant burrito.
Christian group encourages recycling
Yes, of course, because Jesus was all about that sort of thing. He told his disciples to go into the world and pick up aluminum cans everywhere they could find them in order to melt them down and reuse them. Sure, and the milk jugs, too. He was big on the collecting of the milk jugs for making new plastic things out of. In fact, he never had time enough to do anything else because he was so busy with recycling. Wait, no he didn't.
Moments of silence mark 9/11 crashes
What crashes? Are you calling the attacks of 9/11 ‘crashes’? That’s rather generous, don’t you think? Calling it just ‘crashes’ sounds like it was some sort of accident. It wasn’t. It was mass murder. It was an attack.
Man admits murder in first double jeopardy case
Did you know that the UK has effectively repealed the entire English Common Law system and instituted laws that more closely resemble the Soviet Union than any Western system of law? You can now be tried and retried indefinitely for any crime, giving the State the power to bankrupt the accused into a guilty plea no matter how wealthy they are, or how innocent. This is tyranny, plain and simple. I don’t care how emotional or upsetting this particular case is. This is a huge mistake.
New Orleans mayor marks 100 days
100 days since what? Since you last used heroin? Everyone knows you were totally incompetent during the Katrina crisis. And since then you’ve only continued to make an ass of yourself. Why don’t you do yourself a favor and just shut your mouth for awhile?
New bird found in India after more than 50 years
Are birds just that hard to find in India, or were the searchers just really, really picky? Why did it take them 50 years to find a bird? Birds are everywhere. Was there something special about this bird? What happened to the old bird?
Bush to bin Laden: "America will find you"
Apparently we just haven’t been looking in the right places. Perhaps if we level Syria we might find him? But then what will we do once we’ve got him? We’ve had Saddam in some sort of circus trial for the past several years where he basically thumbs his nose at us and sticks out his tongue. It’s not like this is any sort of real trial. It was the same with Milosevic. It was just a big show and everyone knew it. He did the same thing, practically mooning the “judges” from his seat in the big top. Are we going to shoot this fucker when we find him or is this all just another waste of time?
Artery disease risk doubled in African Americans
What exactly is an “African American” anyway? I mean, 99.9 percent of the black people in America have never been to Africa and have no relatives who have lived there for the past 200 to 400 years, so what is this label supposed to mean? On the news, where everyone is so Politically Correct that you just want to slap them, they even refer to black people in Europe as “African Americans.” In fact, on the Discovery Channel they refer to black Africans as “African Americans.” So apparently the term has absolutely nothing to do with either Africa or America. What does it mean? I think it means “I’m a spineless pussy who thinks that I can win favor with black people by kissing their asses with a label they never even asked for.” That’s what I think it means. Anyone else noticed that the same dickless fags who say “African American” will then say “white” to describe “European Americans”? Yeah, ass-kissing, hypocritical pussies. If I were black, I would trust these people about as far as I could throw them from my speeding Cadillac Escalade SUV with 22 inch rims.
Study: Little med research on children
That’s because every single bit of it is being done exclusively on women. That’s what Congress ordered back in the 1990s and so that’s what’s being done. See how helpful politicians are? Yeah, gotta love’em, ‘cause it’s illegal to shoot’em.
Experts unable to find Gulf War Syndrome evidence
That’s because they’ve spent their entire budget searching for their keys. What this should really say is “Elderly experts unable to find their keys” ‘cause they’re addlebrained and government-funded. Anyone ever checked into what is required to qualify as an “expert” in the press? Yeah, you just have to say what they want you to say and that pretty much does it – wah-la, you’re an expert.
Gunman holds 2 hostage at Chicago Bank
I guess he was really pissed off about all those damned fees they charge you just to have a checking account. And no interest! ARGH!
Post-Katrina labor crunch hurts builders
All the illegal aliens moved on, eh? That’s gotta suck.
Soros gives $50 mln to tackle African poverty
Many people are unaware that George Soros was allegedly a Hitler Youth as a child growing up in Germany. He enthusiastically helped round up his fellow Jews, including his own neighbors, who were sent off to death camps. When the Soviet Communists poured in as Germany fell to the United States, good-hearted George quickly changed allegiances and joined the communist party. He’s never once expressed any regret for the evil things he’s done, perhaps because he’s not finished doing them yet? But he is a master of survival. He can thrive under any circumstances, as most sociopaths can. He fully understands the importance of good PR and the illusion of respectability. More than that, he knows the world-dominating potential of the United Nations. No sociopath can resist the temptation of absolute power, and George sees that potential being all too real in his beloved UN. George is the man who convinced Christian-hating Ted Turner to pledge $1 billion to the UN, for unspecified future purposes. Ted has since reneged on his pledge after being buttfucked by Steve Case and Gerald Levin in the AOL/Time Warner scandal, I mean, merger.
Rosie to Watch Her Mouth on The View
Yeah, that didn’t last long.
Rosie: ‘Radical Christians pose fascist threat’
On the lovely and nauseating program, The View, co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck said that militant Islam is a threat to all free people. Rosie instantly responded by firing off this revealing gem: "Radical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like America where we have separation of church and state." The thing I find most interesting about this story is that I had to go to World Net Daily just to find a reporter even talking about Rosie equating average Christians with Islamic terrorists. Reuters and the AP didn’t mention it once. $100 says Rosie won’t lose her job for this latest verbal spewing of hate on a large group of Americans. Fuck you, Rosie, and not just because it's Friday.
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