It's another Fuck You Friday and the news, as always, is super stimulating. Here are some of this week's top stories:
Milan fashionistas fear Spanish skinny model ban
It’s blatant skinnymodelaphobia! Someone call Jesse Jackson! Better yet, send me to deal with these skinny models. I will hug them until they feel all better.
Rage over MySpace photo leads to arrest
See? This is why I no longer have my photo up on MySpace, or anywhere else, for that matter. It’s these crazy people who go around trying to kill the other people on the internet that have inspired my anonymity. And you know how much this stupid girl tried to pay the “hitman” to kill the other girl? $500. Yeah, just $500. And she wonders why she got caught. What a nutjob. A good hit costs over $500,000. And I’ll take it in tens and twenties, if you please.
Judge to Saddam: You weren't a dictator
It’s amazing what money can buy, isn’t it? If there’s one thing to be learned from watching the United Nations at work it’s that every official can be bought. Hell, just watching the Supreme Court over the past 20 years should have taught us that. Judges are probably the cheapest officials of all. I wonder how much this one cost? I’ll bet Saddam promised him 5 minutes alone in a rape room with the supermodel of his choice in exchange for throwing the trial. Hey, I’d do it. “Tyrant, smyrant, this man is innocent. Now where’s Heidi Klum?”
China rips U.S. claims on weapons sales
What? Stop selling weapons to Iran, North Korea, Syria, Chile, Zimbabwe, and the Cryps?! Why, this is an outrage! Who told you about the Cryps?! Rat bastards!
Harmful chemical leaks in space station
I thought those space suits were fart-proof? Surely someone goofed because I know the old ones were. You could rip a big burrito-blastoff and no one but you could smell a thing. Then again, it would make your eyes practically catch on fire if you had a helmet on, so maybe they installed an escape hatch to let the methane out? And now they have a “chemical leak” in their space station. Idiots. “He who smelt it, dealt it” is not just a nursery rhyme for kids. It’s a NASA bylaw.
Nun Murdered after Muslims Condemn Pope's Remarks
Yeah, that’ll win a lot of converts. In the meantime, I say we kill’em right back!
Turkey trip seen as chance for Pope to make amends
Amends for what? For speaking the truth about the terrorists? Oh, silly me. I keep forgetting that we live in a world where people are condemned and even killed for simply speaking the truth. If you want to be rich, if you want to be a star, you simply tell everyone what you think they want to hear. No one loves anyone more than they love a good liar. But if the Pope were to act just like everyone else, what would his purpose be?
Ford and GM discuss merger
Yes, very, very scary. The remarkable incompetence of the entrenched upper managements at both of these former titans have decided that, instead of firing the old narcissistic socialists who have run these giants into the ground, they should instead merge them all together, creating a behemoth of failure unlike any the world has seen before, thus assuring that when they ultimately do fall, it will send shockwaves around the globe. This is what happens when corporations do exactly the opposite of what Peter Drucker advises, trying to appease the Jesse Jacksons and Eleanor Smeals, getting caught up in “social” crusades, and focusing on everything other than their intended purpose. The lack of profits, or even corporate viability, is a screaming testament to affirmative action and the anti-white-male crusading mentality. The ship is sinking, yet even as it goes under, the “social justice” pirates will still be sucking the last few pennies out of it. God bless America. Toyota is thrilled.
Johansson happy with her curvy figure
What a coincidence! So are the rest of us. Go Scarlett, go!
First penis transplant reversed after two weeks
Dude, you got it cut off again because your wife didn’t like it? You just got SO suckered on that one. Idiot!
Bush appeals to Muslims in U.N. speech
Why? They certainly aren’t trying to appeal to us. What’s next, “Bush appeals to Dixie Chicks?” Get the fuck outta here!
No One Fixing Feces Problem At Memphis Apartment
Yeah, time to move. Oh, and welcome to Memphis, by the way.
U.S. urged to rein in use of Social Security numbers
Only in Big Government is this the first that anyone has thought of this. Yes, the massive abuse of our social security numbers is a huge cause of identity theft, now a major crime wave in this country. How fabulous of our great leaders to only just now think of this, as the rest of us have known it for several years already.
At U.N., Chavez calls Bush 'the devil'
Chavez, eh? This pinheaded spider-monkey could call Rosie O’Donnell ‘the devil’ and it’d still ring hollow. He openly admires Mao Tse-Tsung, Joseph Stalin, and Fidel Castro while doing the best he can to emulate them. Let’s tell the Muslims that he insulted them, just for the hell of it.
Bush to U.N.: Choose between freedom or extremism
Ah geez, just look at who dominates the UN and take a wild guess which one they’ll choose. Idiot.
Calif. sues carmakers over global warming
Oh for crying out loud, you can’t even prove it’s real, you stupid, mentally retarded gay vegan religious fanatics! And you authorized them to sell those cars in your state while thoroughly inspecting each and every one of them, so the liability is yours. Maybe all the citizens of California should join together in suing their state government instead? They can charge you for approving the sale of tobacco products while they’re at it. And guns, too. All were gleefully approved and taxed, only to be betrayed and sued by this very same state government even as it continued to grab up all that tax money with both hands. Hypocrisy, thy name is California.
Nigerian teen to take zero-gravity trip
So, would this be the “first Nigerian teen Space tourist” or what? I mean, as long as we’re keeping up with that kind of stupid shit.
Police: Men smuggled monkeys in pants; also leopard cubs, orchids, birds of paradise
You’ve got to be kidding me. Those have to be some massively distracted security people for some guy to get by with a leopard in his pants. I don’t care how baggy those pants are, you can’t hide a damned leopard or monkey in there without somebody noticing that something ain’t quite right. Oh wait, the federal government took over the airport security responsibilities, didn’t it? OK, that explains everything.
Former teacher testifies that teen admitted mutilating homeless man, but in self-defense
Hmm, she cut off his penis and stabbed him in the rectum after she had already killed him, and somehow this is self-defense? Well, I guess if cutting off a sleeping man’s penis is self-defense then most anything else can qualify too. Fuck it.
Teen girl sues band Buckcherry, claiming she was coerced into making porn
They gave her candy.
U.S. health body urges routine AIDS testing for all
Yes, because all their predictions from the fuckin’ 1980s that AIDS would devastate the heterosexual community in the United States have panned out so well, right? Oh, I'm sorry, there's tax money to be skimmed here, isn't there? How silly of me to almost overlook that.
Police: Man shot wife at abuse shelter
Hmm, that sounds about right, somehow. Apparently she was the only woman in the fortress, which was normally completely empty except for the small army of employees. Since shooting her he’s run off to the woods to be eaten by bears. This will likely be an instant made-for-TV movie within the week, but with all the details changed until it’s unrecognizable to even the people who knew them. In the meantime, there will be a new federal law written and passed in the blink of an eye making it a special new crime to shoot a woman while she’s in a shelter because, you know, that would have stopped it.
Woman's fetus apparently cut from womb
Yeah, they call that a C-section and rumor has it that they do way too much of that these days.
Fuck you, it's Friday!
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