It's Fuck You Friday and my mailbox is overflowing. Here are some of today's golden delicious apples of joy.
LETTER 1:
"Dear Fellow American"
Well, I'm glad we cleared that up. I thought this letter might have come from terrorists in Iran!
"The enclosed 2006 Personal Pledge To America spells out clearly and unequivocally where I stand on key issues like Iraq, the right to life, the Second Amendment, taxes and immigration ...
... and I've sent it to you for two very specific reasons."
Let me guess, you want my money?
Yeah, I'm psychic like that.
Pretty amazing, eh?
Yeah, I'm psychic like that.
Pretty amazing, eh?
"First, as I travel across my home state of [Poopooville] and the nation, I hear [sucker] after [sucker] voice the same complaint ...
... our leaders are increasingly betraying our values, our principles, and beliefs."
Well, that about sums it up for me. But something tells me your solution to this problem is my money, right? After you get it and get elected you'll forget all about me, won't you?
Yep.
Yep.
"But this is one [politician] who is not afraid to stand up and let everyone -- from Tim Russert on NBC's Meet the Press to the editorial board of the New York Times to my constituents back home in [Poopooville] know exactly where I stand on the issues ...
... and I am proving that today with my 2006 Personal Pledge!"
Yeah, dude, this doesn't prove shit. I've heard all this before. It don't mean nothin'. As soon as you get to D.C. you'll drop your pants and shoot a big moon to everyone who voted for you. That's how it always goes.
"In short, I believe support from true-blue [suckers] like you must be earned, deserved and [shamelessly betrayed as soon as possible.]
Which brings me to the second reason I've sent you my Pledge today.
[I want your money.]"
Yeah, I pretty much lost consciousness by this point. The bottom line is that this political wannabe wants my hard earned money. And he's willing to blow smoke up my ass to get it. But here's the real Fuck You Friday kicker to all of this .... he's not even from my state. I can't even vote for the fucker.
Yeah, but he doesn't care. Money is money, and he figures I'm dumb enough to cough up the cash if he just appeals to my desperation as a white heterosexual male in America. Basically, he's just saying "hey buddy, no one in Washington gives a shit about you, but I do. I feel your pain. Send money and I'll help you out." Yeah, once again I must call bullshit.
So, Dear Fellow American politician, all I can say to you is "fuck you" and happy Friday.
Yeah, but he doesn't care. Money is money, and he figures I'm dumb enough to cough up the cash if he just appeals to my desperation as a white heterosexual male in America. Basically, he's just saying "hey buddy, no one in Washington gives a shit about you, but I do. I feel your pain. Send money and I'll help you out." Yeah, once again I must call bullshit.
So, Dear Fellow American politician, all I can say to you is "fuck you" and happy Friday.
LETTER 2:
"Dear Friend"
Ooh, good start so far, 'friend'!
"Will you help me stop Bill Clinton from making the political comeback of his life?No, why should I?
What have you ever done for me?
How much is this going to cost me?
And more importantly, why the fuck should I even care?
What have you ever done for me?
How much is this going to cost me?
And more importantly, why the fuck should I even care?
"Because as of this January, Clinton has a shot to clear his name, get back his law license, and prove that his impeachment was a "mistake" by Republicans."
I could give a shit.
"That's why I need your emergency [money] right away.
My friend, please consider what's going on ...."
I am considering what's going on.
You're calling me "friend" and then hitting me up for money.
You're calling me "friend" and then hitting me up for money.
"For the five years of Bill Clinton's ex-presidency, he has traveled around the country on a "redemption tour", stopping wherever there's a baby he can kiss [or a piece of ass he can pound] in front of a camera.
He wrote a 957-page book of transparent, self-serving propaganda titled My Life, which was nothing more than a false rewriting of history.
Yeah, I have a feeling he didn't actually write it.
That's what professional writers are for.
Just ask Hillary Clinton, or for that matter, John F. Kennedy.
They'd both know all about that.
And still I find myself not caring.
That's what professional writers are for.
Just ask Hillary Clinton, or for that matter, John F. Kennedy.
They'd both know all about that.
And still I find myself not caring.
" ... blah blah blah blah blah ..."
OK, I have to confess, I couldn't maintain focus beyond this point.
I actually think I might have better things to do and more important things to think about.
Maybe if you sent me actual photos of him pounding Monica Lewinski (oh come on, you know they took took pictures at some point!) then I might be more interested?
Maybe if you didn't call me "Friend" while hitting me up for a donation?
Yeah, maybe, but probably not.
I just don't care anymore.
I just don't.
My Give-A-Fuck is broken.
So Fuck You, it's Friday!
I actually think I might have better things to do and more important things to think about.
Maybe if you sent me actual photos of him pounding Monica Lewinski (oh come on, you know they took took pictures at some point!) then I might be more interested?
Maybe if you didn't call me "Friend" while hitting me up for a donation?
Yeah, maybe, but probably not.
I just don't care anymore.
I just don't.
My Give-A-Fuck is broken.
So Fuck You, it's Friday!
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