This Week in the News

Presidential candidate Herman Cain is under constant attack by Democrat operatives claiming he sexually harassed them, had a sexual affair with them, raped them, produced Satan's child through them, sacrificed goats with them, pretty much anything the Democrats can pull out of their ass is being thrown at Mr Cain. I thought they were vicious to Michelle Bachmann, the lone female candidate, but that was nothing compared to the raw hatred the Demos are firing at Herman Cain, the only black candidate. (No, I don't count Obama as black. Deal with it.)


Democrats go after Herman Cain with a vengeance

A computer scientist has revealed that virtually all smart phones have software installed on them that track not only our every move, but our every keystroke, as well. And then they report this information back to the company that provides your phone service. I had been cursing the hell out of my Blackberry for the ridiculous amount of time it spends ignoring me because it's too busy talking back and forth to the server. I couldn't figure out what it could possibly be saying that took so damn long. I guess now I know. Bastards!


Can't text now, busy reporting your passwords to Big Brother

Even though the Demos in the Press are virtually stringing up Herman Cain like their ancestors in the Ku Klux Klan used to do, that doesn't mean they aren't still taking cheap shots at Michelle Bachmann. They planted a high school student in one of her audiences and had him hit her with a bullshit question about gay "rights", worded in a way that assumes gay people in America don't have the exact same rights as everyone else, the very definition of 'equal rights'. They fear her because she's smarter than Obama, which doesn't take much, but she will take the hetero female vote away from him. Obama can't win with just the black and gay vote. And with the way they're lynching Herman Cain he may not even have the black vote for much longer.


I'll answer your bullshit question and impress voters as I do it

Apple's new Siri, the (of course) female voice on the new 4S phones that answers questions, gives advice and will tell you where to find businesses near your location if you ask, is under fire. It seems that feminists are drilling her with lots of PC questions and discovered that she has a glitch which they instantly declared a 'conspiracy to keep the woman down!' Siri can't find abortion clinics. If you tell her you want an abortion and need an abortionist, she says "I can't find one." Perhaps that's because in the everything-is-political United States, all abortion clinics are mislabeled 'family planning' clinics, and abortionists are called 'family planning doctors?' So if you ask Siri for a family planning clinic she has no problem answering. But if you ask her for an abortion, the intentionally misnamed and miscategorized clinics don't show up in her database as a valid answer. Don't blame Siri. Blame the American abortion industry that works so hard to hide what it is and what it does.


Feminists attack Siri

Government Motors' much touted and Obama-mandated Chevy Volt is (as expected) a big pile of shit. It catches fire when hit from the side, sometimes showing no indication that it is going to burst into flames for as much as 3 whole days, giving the owner time to get it to a bodyshop and have them pull it inside before it explodes like a terrorist's bomb and burns the whole place to the ground. And now the power chords are melting while recharging the damn cars. Its a good thing no one is buying these things anyway because if they did it could cause some serious problems.


The Chevy Volt - 230 mpg, 451 degrees Fahrenheit

A tiny church with only 40 members located in the middle of Nowhere, Kentucky, voted to ban interracial marriages at their church. The Left-Wing Press, believing that nothing else other than Siri not being able to perform abortions was more important than this story, has been covering it like mad all week long. The fact that a church is a private group of individuals and can vote to do just about anything they want, which has no impact on anyone outside of that group, seems to have escaped the understanding of the Media. Also escaping the perpetually bitchy American Press was that the church vote to do this was in response to a couple that only attended once, with the female of the couple being only barely associated with the church and her boyfriend not being a member at all, and even that vote hasn't been settled. The church members are still fighting over it, with most of them refusing to vote on it at all, and only 15 of them participating in the issue. Yet somehow THIS is the biggest news story of the week in the United States of PMS.


This is CNN

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Political Pooparazzi and Assorted Nuts

NY Elementary School is Renamed for Obama

In New York, the city where almost every single racist epithet ever spoken was originated, they have renamed an elementary school after not-yet-President Barack Obama. I am right in saying he's not yet President yet, right? Have I only imagined that he doesn't become the actual President, and thus hasn't actually done anything yet, until next year? New York City is also the city where all-male schools were declared discriminatory and unconstitutional, but all-female 'leadership' schools were quickly established and declared 'progressive' even as the Citadel and VMI were being set on fire by 'activists'.

Some say terrorists. The New York Times says activists.

Obese Canadians Have 'Right' to Two Airline Seats

The ever wacky and zany Canadian Supreme Court has ruled that big fat Canadians have a 'right' to two seats on an airline. Note: that's not simply a legal requirement that airlines can't charge for two seats. It's a 'right', with all that goes with that. So it's like free speech, freedom of religion, the right to bare arms, the right to self-defense, and now the right to be a lard-ass and hog more than your fair share.

Anyone else think perhaps Canada takes the whole concept of 'rights' a bit lightly?

In Canada's defense, have any of you ever flown on a plane where the seats were only slightly wider than a teenaged girl's ass and there was absolutely no possible way a grown man could keep from bashing his shoulders against the people sitting on either side of him? I know I have. I felt like I was being stuffed into a racing seat for a Formula 1 run again crazy Danica Patrick, lightweight boxing champion of professional racing.

Obama's Job Application Includes Questions on Gun Ownership

President-elect Barack Obama has already made waves by adding a question for all job applicants in his administration not only demanding to know anything and everything about any and every gun legally owned by the applicant or anyone associated with the applicant, but also implying that we have a Nazi-inspired national gun registry, which we do not for Constitutional reasons.

Something tells me the NRA is about to experience a huge membership surge.

Evidently, Gays Do Blame Blacks for Failure of Prop. 8

Someone somewhere around here, it may even have been me, commented that radical gay activists weren't brave enough to attack the black people who voted against gay marriage by 80 percent and were thus only attacking white Christian heterosexuals because they are such easy targets. It turns out that not only was this not true, it was so extremely wrong that gay activists have even been attacking other gay activists who are guilty of nothing more than opposing Proposition 8 while being black. Seriously, if ever there was a way to shoot yourself in the foot, this is it.

[Seemingly unnecessary explanation: It's the irony. The irony of the situation is amazing, regardless of where you stand on the issue.]

Clinton Is Said to Accept Secretary of State Position

Obama has for unfathomable reasons chosen Hillary Clinton as his Secretary of State. Former Clinton advisers (Bill Morris) have indicated that this will be a huge mistake on Obama's part because Hillary is a one-woman show and will undermine him at every opportunity for her own benefit. I'm sure this is probably true, but I think there's a much bigger issue here. The bigger issue is that last time the Clintons were in the White House a man named Vincent Foster died in there from a mysterious gunshot to the head and nothing was ever solved. This time, if 2 men die from mysterious gunshots to the head, namely Obama and Joe Biden, Secretary of State Hillary becomes President.


Oh fuuuuuuck!
I'll bet the Secret Service are absolutely shitting over the thought of not only having to deal with her hair trigger temper, flying lamps and flying fists again, but also being tasked with trying to protect the President and Vice President from being killed by her.

Man with Gun Under Pillow Forfeits Licence in Germany

"I caught him running with scissors so I beat him with my nightstick"
In Berlin, a man lost his license to own a gun because he slept with it under his pillow and the all-knowing courts have decided that he shouldn't do that. Also, they fined him for not brushing his teeth and washing behind his ears, and not going to bed by 9. They've threatened to take away his television privileges next if he doesn't straighten up. Ah, socialism!

Upset Over Pet, Man Stabs Bureaucrat, Wife in Japan

My pooky died - you bastards!
In Japan, where men enjoy wearing dresses and having sex with rubber dolls designed to look like their favorite anime characters, a man went on a stabbing rampage and killed the minister of health and welfare, as well as the minister's wife. The stabber said he did it because his pet died in a public welfare center. In a search of the stabber's car, police reported finding a large collection of "assault knives." Japan does not allow private ownership of firearms, but has been experiencing a steady increase in stabbing rampages over the past few years. Offers to send Ted Kennedy and Sarah Brady to Japan to help with their crisis have not met with much enthusiasm.

Bra for Men an Online Bestseller in Japan

Me ruv you rong time!
As if to make jokes about Japan almost compulsory, a retailer there has been selling bras and panties for men, and reports that sales are quite good. Apparently cross-dressing is very popular in Japan, as are sexy female cartoon characters who kick male cartoon characters in the groin a lot. Psychologists think the two may be related.

Australia Outback Mayor Wins Annual Sexiest Award

Mayor Malony
And finally, in Australia, where men are men and women are hawt, the mayor of a small mining town has won the annual "Sexiest Award" from an odd female-only subgroup of the Australian parliament in Sydney. The no-men-allowed subgroup of parliament said that they love a man with the balls to stand up and say what men want and not be ashamed. Mayor Malony had placed an ad for lovelorn female "ugly ducklings", inviting them to move to his town where they'd find "five blokes to every girl." The all-female parliamentary organization has been frequently accused of being a misandric sexist hate-group, and apparently decided to prove their womanhood by reaching out to Mayor Malony with this award.




Loyalty


Friendship


Change


And now for an old song ...

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More News (Nuthin' 'Bout Girl Power)

My cooter hurts
Woman gives birth to own grandchildren
That's just so freaky. I'm sorry and I know it's all this great medical miracle and blah blah, but if it's gross to kiss your sister then it's gross for your mother-in-law to have your baby, too. Yuck!



No counseling, thanks, we have a bottle
Message in bottle: Marriage meant to be
Apparently both members of this newlywed couple had been divorced several times and were feeling a bit fearful that perhaps something might be wrong with them. They took their message in a bottle as a sign that this time would be different and this marriage would last. It's a bit of pointless superstition, like wishing on a star or tossing coins in a fountain or voting.


Man uses demolition derby car to propose
The truly shocking part of this story is that this did not occur at the Redneck Olympic Games. No, it was just a standard demolition derby. And the other drivers didn't give this guy one inch with his stuffed rabbit and diamond ring mounted on his "Will You Marry Me" car. No sir, they smashed his ass up and he came in third. But at least she said 'yes.' YeeHA, and let's all go to WalMart!


China bans bra, underwear, sex toy ads
No, there is no church in China. This was all done by the very "progressive" Communist Church, I mean, Party, the same Communist Party that was recently busted AGAIN for funneling millions of dollars to the Clinton Presidential campaign fund. Separation of church and state? No, they burn the church and then set up a new one in which they play the part of God. That's how this game is played. Now, take down all those offensive bra and vibrator ads and put on some decent clothes, you sluts, before our Great Leader gets here and sees you looking unladylike!



Big boy
University of Memphis football player shot to death
Welcome to Memphis, boys and girls. This 21-year-old giant of a man was shot to death at the University of Memphis and no one saw a thing. Or rather, no one saw anything out of the ordinary, 'cause this shit happens all the time. The only really shocking aspect of this story is that this guy was 5'11" and weighed 300 pounds. Shit, that's one big dude!


Once-puritan South Africa holds its first sex fair
South Africa used to be puritan? Wow, all I have ever heard about that place is apartheid and then after that rape and murder and more rape and more murder. When was it ever a Christian place? This must have been well before the big "Free South Africa" movement in the '80s 'cause it's a big shithole now. No wonder the Marxists were so determined to destroy it. I had always wondered about that.



Can you hear me now?
New world record in 'ear-lifting'
Ear lifting? Wow, there's an event few teenage boys will ever aspire to master. "Dude, I can lift way more than you with my ears!" This Pakistani dream-boat lifted 137 pounds with his frickin' ear! That's almost as much as BottleBlonde was squatting when she farted on the Bionic Woman in her gym just the other day!


6 die from brain-eating amoeba in lakes
Al Franken has given up his radio show and taken to swimming around attacking young boys in lakes.


Austria holds man with explosives near U.S. embassy
The Austrian police caught BottleBlonde doing squats near the U.S. Embassy and were concerned that she was trying to blow it up with her farts.


I think I can! I think I can! Toot toot!

Woman dies in custody at airport
This Jewish New York woman went apeshit at the airport in Phoenix, Arizona, and was handcuffed and taken to a holding cell where she was theoretically supposed to calm down. They say they later found her dead and believe she was trying to slip the handcuffs over her head, but accidently strangled herself in the process. Most interesting of all is the great lengths they go to in making a point of saying "we did NOT Taser her!" Anyway, this is yet another reason Americans no longer like to fly - batshit crazy New Yorkers going bonkers in the terminals.


Turns-ons include flying, drama, handcuffs, and asphyxiation

High Court won't hear two religion cases
"High" Court just about sums it up. They saw a chance to restore part of the battered First Amendment and said, "Naw, that might piss off our rich hedonistic friends who throw all the best parties. We wouldn't dream of doing that." And so they hid under the table and shouted in unison, "nobody's home!"

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FYF - I'm Tired

Fuck You Friday

It's a special Fuck You Friday.

I'm really tired of politicians.

Can't we just shoot them all?

---

Immigration raids can divide families

Oh no! We should totally stop enforcing our immigration laws because it divides families! Then again, if we're sending the illegal aliens home where they came from, aren't we really reuniting families?

Jobs growth not as soft as feared

Poor Steve Jobs, the whole world is reading about his problems with erectile dysfunction. Or, as the dorks on TV call it, “ED”.

Gen. Pace calls homosexuality immoral

This is big news to the grrlz of the media. Now we’ll see who really controls the military, the political feminists or the fighting men. I think I know and it doesn’t bode well for the General or his men.

DePauw cuts ties with troubled sorority

The DZs are in trouble for kicking out the fuglies and keeping only the hot chicks. At least, that's how they tell it.

U.S. condemns Zimbabwe government over attacks

Years and years of race-based slaughter and only now do we say anything condemning it. We’re a little late to this party. Then again, the UN still hasn't said a damned thing, so I guess we're still better than they are.

Pa. city defends illegal immigrant rules

When voters and elected city leaders opt to enforce the law against illegal immigrants they are instantly attacked by the ACLU and its’ bitches on the bench. What an insane age this is when cities can be dragged into court simply for enforcing laws the federal government itself doesn’t have the balls to enforce. Then again, I don't think there's a complete pair of balls left on any politician anywhere in this nation anymore.

Gonzales rejects calls for resignation

I don’t think I’ll resign today, but thanks for asking.

No apology from Gen. Pace for gay stance

Maybe when Rosie O’Donnell apologizes for her antichrist stance, eh?

Mexico pushes Bush for more in drug war

Mexico is raising the price of illegal drugs?

Clinton: Right-wing conspiracy is back

Yes, except this time all those “haters” to the right of you are in the Democratic Party and they want your ass gone. It's all a matter of perspective, see? Your own husband is a right-winger compared to you.

Warming may cause food, water shortages: U.N. report

Cooling may cause that, too. Life happens, boys and girls. Get used to it.

Scholar: 'Jesus Tomb' makers mistaken

I did a documentary back in college in which I claimed to have found Jesus’ wallet. I couldn’t get any funding though, despite having his driver’s license and everything.

Mental illness common in returning soldiers

It’s also common in Memphis drivers. Trust me on this one.

Stop surfing, make friends, students told

Dammit, there go all my blog readers!

Party seeks to strip Hitler of citizenship

Um, he’s dead, you morons.

Canada has highest population growth among G8

Well sure, they’ve got a lot of hot women and long cold winter nights.

Iranians outraged by `300' movie

You lost. Get over it. Oh wait, I forgot, refusing to forgive is a big part of Islam, which is why you guys are constantly killing each other and living in the ruins of bombed-out cities.

9/11 mastermind admits killing reporter

And yet even so the reporters still love him and hate Bush.

House panel upholds Iraq pullout plan

“Run to the hills. Run for your lives. Run to the hills. Run for your liiiiiiiiiives!” Ah, Iron Maiden always gets me going in the morning.

Zimbabwe's Mugabe tells West "go hang"

Why don’t you step out of that shabby fortress of yours and come say that over here in Memphis? Say it to a brother on any street corner in Memphis. Come to my house and say it to me. Go ahead, I dare you, you fucking saggy old commie twat.

Abducted Italy reporter says Taliban may kill him

How ironic. The press is so anxious to defeat Bush and place the Taliban back in power and yet the Taliban is unappreciative.

4 killed in NYC shootout; motive unknown

Rumor has it there was a preaching urinal cake involved.

Police: Dad stabs baby boy in back

My parents did that shit to me all the …. Oh, you mean LITERALLY. Damn.

Odd little critter sheds light on mammal evolution

They’re studying David Spade?

Sen. Clinton calls for subprime mortgage action

Ever the opportunistic bullshit artist, eh? What action do you suggest, Miss Universal Healthcare debacle of 1993?

House overturns Bush order on papers secrecy

By all means, show our national secrets to the world. Then bitch and blame the military when we get attacked yet again, you sociopathic, short-sighted, fairy-princesses.

Binge drinking and drug abuse a problem on campuses

Apparently when you go to school to study math or science and instead get a full curriculum of socialist propaganda, Marxist religion, and misandric rantings it can often be enough to drive you to drink and get high. The professors and staff don’t see this as a problem, though, because they’ve all been continuously high since the ‘70s.

Britain to bring Zimbabwe turmoil to U.N. Council

How 'bout them Brits! They're the only ones who have had the balls to protest the government-sponsored racist mass murders in Zimbabwe for all these years.

Immense ice deposits found at south pole of Mars

Now if they can just find an immense deposit of beer to go with it we've got ourselves a place to party!

Judge rules tobacco ad curbs extend overseas

Sorry Judge Judy, but your authority stops where the U.S. border stops. Try not to get your ego all in a wad, but it's true.

Man with hand transplant to go home

to try it out ... alone ... in the bathroom. Ooh look, the latest issue of Playboy just came in!

Man smuggles grenade in pot of honey

Well, that's a hell of a lot better than the guy last week who smuggled it in his asshole.

Youths probed for daubing swastikas on sheep

So, is it a hate-crime, or a sheep-crime, or what? I doubt the sheep really care.

Man relieves himself in air-sickness bag

Well, if you think about it, pee is no nastier than vomit. What the hell?

N.M. man arrested on 28th DWI charge

Hey, when you find something you're good at, you should keep at it. That's what they always told us in school.

Chimp DNA test says Conan's the daddy

So, is the talk show not going well or does Mr. O'Brien just have a thing for chimps? Hey, don't judge! It's just an alternate lifestyle! They'll be teaching this in schools all across America soon, if they aren't already.

Woman Accused of Stabbing Co-Worker Over Chickens

Talk show hosts having sex with chimps. Women knife-fighting over handsome chickens. What's this country coming to?

Three New York cops indicted in groom shooting

Shit, I knew the northeastern states were hostile towards men and marriage, but this is ridiculous!

Police arrest 7-year-old on dirt bike

Not much going on around there, eh?

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