My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.
The husband replies, 'You still have good eyesight.
And then the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap.
That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible. '
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And then the fight started....
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
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1950s pinup model Bettie Page has died at the age of 85.
LOS ANGELES – Bettie Page, the 1950s secretary-turned-model whose controversial photographs in skimpy attire or none at all helped set the stage for the 1960s sexual revolution, died Thursday. She was 85.
Page was placed on life support last week after suffering a heart attack in Los Angeles and never regained consciousness, said her agent, Mark Roesler. He said he and Page's family agreed to remove life support. Before the heart attack, Page had been hospitalized for three weeks with pneumonia.
"She captured the imagination of a generation of men and women with her free spirit and unabashed sensuality," Roesler said. "She is the embodiment of beauty."
Page, who was also known as Betty, attracted national attention with magazine photographs of her sensuous figure in bikinis and see-through lingerie that were quickly tacked up on walls in military barracks, garages and elsewhere, where they remained for years.
Her photos included a centerfold in the January 1955 issue of then-fledgling Playboy magazine, as well as controversial sadomasochistic poses.
"I think that she was a remarkable lady, an iconic figure in pop culture who influenced sexuality, taste in fashion, someone who had a tremendous impact on our society," Playboy founder Hugh Hefner told The Associated Press on Thursday. "She was a very dear person."
Page mysteriously disappeared from the public eye for decades, during which time she battled mental illness and became a born-again Christian.
After resurfacing in the 1990s, she occasionally granted interviews but refused to allow her picture to be taken.
"I don't want to be photographed in my old age," she told an interviewer in 1998. "I feel the same way with old movie stars. ... It makes me sad. We want to remember them when they were young."
The 21st century indeed had people remembering her just as she was. She became the subject of songs, biographies, Web sites, comic books, movies and documentaries. A new generation of fans bought thousands of copies of her photos, and some feminists tried to claim her as a pioneer of women's liberation.
Gretchen Mol portrayed her in 2005's "The Notorious Bettie Page" and Paige Richards had the role in 2004's "Bettie Page: Dark Angel." Page herself took part in the 1998 documentary "Betty Page: Pinup Queen."
Hefner said he last saw Page when he held a screening of "The Notorious Bettie Page" at the Playboy Mansion. He said she objected to the fact that the film referred to her as "notorious," but "we explained to her that it referred to the troubled times she had and was a good way to sell a movie."
Page's career began one day in October 1950 when she took a respite from her job as a secretary in a New York office for a walk along the beach at Coney Island. An amateur photographer named Jerry Tibbs admired the 27-year-old's firm, curvy body and asked her to pose.
Looking back on the career that followed, she told Playboy in 1998: "I never thought it was shameful. I felt normal. It's just that it was much better than pounding a typewriter eight hours a day, which gets monotonous."
Nudity didn't bother her, she said, explaining: "God approves of nudity. Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, they were naked as jaybirds."
In 1951, Page fell under the influence of a photographer and his sister who specialized in S&M. They cut her hair into the dark bangs that became her signature and posed her in spiked heels and little else. She was photographed with a whip in her hand, and in one session she was spread-eagled between two trees, her feet dangling.
"I thought my arms and legs would come out of their sockets," she said later.
Moralists denounced the photos as perversion, and Sen. Estes Kefauver of Tennessee, Page's home state, launched a congressional investigation.
Page quickly retreated from public view, later saying she was hounded by federal agents who waved her nude photos in her face. She also said she believed that, at age 34, her days as "the girl with the perfect figure" were nearly over.
She moved to Florida in 1957 and married a much younger man, as an early marriage to her high school sweetheart had ended in divorce.
Her second marriage also failed, as did a third, and she suffered a nervous breakdown.
In 1959, she was lying on a sea wall in Key West when she saw a church with a white neon cross on top. She walked inside and became a born-again Christian.
After attending Bible school, she wanted to serve as a missionary but was turned down because she had been divorced. Instead, she worked full-time for evangelist Billy Graham's ministry.
A move to Southern California in 1979 brought more troubles.
She was arrested after an altercation with her landlady, and doctors who examined her determined she had acute schizophrenia. She spent 20 months in a state mental hospital in San Bernardino.
A fight with another landlord resulted in her arrest, but she was found not guilty because of insanity. She was placed under state supervision for eight years.
"She had a very turbulent life," Todd Mueller, a family friend and autograph seller, told The Associated Press on Thursday. "She had a temper to her."
Mueller said he first met Page after tracking her down in the 1990s and persuaded her to do an autograph signing event.
He said she was a hit and sold about 3,000 autographs, usually for $200 to $300 each.
"Eleanor Roosevelt, we got $40 to $50. ... Bettie Page outsells them all," he told The AP last week.
Born April 22, 1923, in Nashville, Tenn., Page said she grew up in a family so poor "we were lucky to get an orange in our Christmas stockings."
The family included three boys and three girls, and Page said her father molested all of the girls.
After the Pages moved to Houston, her father decided to return to Tennessee and stole a police car for the trip. He was sent to prison, and for a time Betty lived in an orphanage.
In her teens she acted in high school plays, going on to study drama in New York and win a screen test from 20th Century Fox before her modeling career took off.
(Associated Press writers Denise Petski and Raquel Maria Dillon contributed to this article.)
Blagojevich also was charged with illegally threatening to withhold state assistance to Tribune Co., the owner of the Chicago Tribune, in the sale of Wrigley Field, according to a federal criminal complaint. In return for state assistance, Blagojevich allegedly wanted members of the paper's editorial board who had been critical of him fired.
A 76-page FBI affidavit said the 51-year-old Democratic governor was intercepted on court-authorized wiretaps over the last month conspiring to sell or trade the vacant Senate seat for personal benefits for himself and his wife, Patti.
Otherwise, Blagojevich considered appointing himself. The affidavit said that as late as Nov. 3, he told his deputy governor that if "they're not going to offer me anything of value I might as well take it."
"I'm going to keep this Senate option for me a real possibility, you know, and therefore I can drive a hard bargain," Blagojevich allegedly said later that day, according to the affidavit, which also quoted him as saying in a remark punctuated by profanity that the seat was "a valuable thing — you just don't give it away for nothing."
The affidavit said Blagojevich also discussed getting a substantial salary for himself at a nonprofit foundation or an organization affiliated with labor unions.
It said Blagojevich also talked about getting his wife placed on corporate boards where she might get $150,000 a year in director's fees.
I tried calling in gay to work today because I was mad about the Texas Longhorns not being allowed to play in the championship bowl game despite having convincingly defeated Oklahoma, who played in Texas' place. But my boss, an Alabama fan who knows I also cheer for the Florida Gators, told me I had better get my gay ass into work or I'd be gay unemployed. Dammit.
Anyone associated with medical care who uses the politically correct and highly flexible term 'gender' instead of the biologically factual term 'sex' is a politician and not someone who needs to be performing medical procedures on anyone's heart, especially mine, biatch.
You know what else showed promise in Africa tests? DDT, bitches! Nothing ever did more to stop malaria than DDT. But the PC pioneers, way back in the early '60s, began their 'social experiments' with scaring people into giving up their very lives as a result of totally fabricated bullshit. And then, as now, they had lots of help from a very compliant, but poorly educated media.
There are still parts of the world in this day and age where you can go to the mall and buy a bull - a real, live pooping, charging, rampaging bull. Of course, the results of this are sometimes predictable.
Even dogs know that affirmative action, hate crime laws and all other PC policies are nothing more than bigotry, hatred, and discrimination packaged as a gold-plated turd in a shiny box. Unfortunately, many lawyers, judges, and politicians aren't dogs, they're snakes.
It's a shame that political correctness and all its associated madness couldn't be quarantined and cured before spreading throughout the Western world. Unfortunately, some of the insanity associated with social progressiveness has spread to the golden shores of Australia, leading government to encourage the Australian people to eat kangaroos, wallabies, Kiwis, and now camels in an effort to 'save the world'. For most in Australia during this month-long celebration, anything remotely edible, as long as it's served with cold beer, is perfectly OK. Except poop-flavored desserts. No more serving of poop-flavored desserts.
A man in a nice black dress, matching stockings, and long blonde wig with non-matching beard and mustache robbed a bank in Sydney today. Witnesses said s/he had a fairly nice ass, but clearly fake breasts and wasn't very good at walking in high heels. An anonymous source claimed the robbery was to raise money to buy a good birthday present for Sydney billionaire Fingers McGee.
A Mexican man stole a policia cruiser while cruising around on foot in Mexico, freely admitting that he intended to steal the wheels and tires, but then 'got distracted' and ended up cruising around for 2 hours, with police hot on his tail, before crashing the car and being arrested. He said he watched a lot of TV, especially the American show "Cops" and felt inspired by all the episodes filmed in Los Angeles.
Naturists vowed Tuesday to fight plans to close one of Britain's first nudist beaches, after authorities said erosion had left too little space for families to share with Madonna's gigantic ego. Madonna is known to frequent the beach ever since moving to London in response to everyone in America making fun of her for being a low-class whore who made it big.
And now for something kind of cool ...
If you're still here, try watching this just for fun ...
The fun just never ends when you have no soul ...
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BIRMINGHAM, Alabama (Reuters) – Federal authorities arrested the mayor of Birmingham, Alabama, on Monday in a corruption probe surrounding a sewer bond debt that could lead to the largest municipal bankruptcy in U.S. history. Authorities arrested Mayor Larry Langford in Birmingham at 7 a.m. (1200 GMT) and charged him with 60 counts including bribery, money laundering, conspiracy and filing false tax returns, according to U.S. Attorney Alice Martin.
Langford was charged along with investment banker William Blount and lobbyist Al LaPierre for a total of 101 counts. The government said it was also seeking $7.6 million in forfeiture from the three men.
"He sold out his public office to his friends Blount and LaPierre for about $235,000 in expensive clothes, watches and cash to pay his growing personal debt. All the while, Blount was paid fees topping $7 million," said Martin.
If I were a politician, the worst thing that could ever happen to me and my party, whichever party I was in, would be if the most motivated supporters of both parties were to ever get together and talk, to hash out their differences and reach some sort of agreement. The worst thing that could happen to me, Democrat or Republican, would be if the voters settled on some sort of compromise on abortion and gay marriage and other volatile issues like these, and then used their combined power to force these compromises into law, thus settling the issues and bringing peace to our nation. That would really screw me and all the other politicians like me.
If I were a politician, I would be very happy that judges have developed a habit of dramatically overstepping their authority and making decisions on cases over which they have no legitimate authority and actually belong with me and the voters. It would make my life easier. Whenever my constituents complained that I need to begin proceedings to impeach those judges I could throw up my hands and say "you need to elect more members of my party before we'll have enough votes to do that."
Whenever the voters cried out, on the left and on the right, "where do you stand on abortion? Which side do you think is right?" I would look to my party leaders and say whatever they told me to say.
"I'm all for it. I'm against it. I wish it didn't have to be this way." And then I'd do not one damn thing, as the voters fought it out in the streets, even though their votes mean nothing as a result of activist judges, unelected and unaccountable, making decisions that are actually my responsibility, and not theirs at all.
Machiavelli would love this country of ours, this Divided States of America, where we talk about our government of the people, for the people and by the people, and then proceed to rule over the people with mandates from on high while ignoring the votes the people cast.
If I were a politician I'd have friends in the funeral business and a long list of names of recently deceased registered voters in order to stuff those ballot boxes fat and full with votes that go all for me and none for anyone else. If no one called me on it, next time I'd stuff the ballot boxes of my opponent's party in their own primary, choosing the weakest candidate to run against me and then defeating him with still more fraudulent votes. I mean, why not, if no one is going to have the balls to do anything about it? What possible incentive could there be not to?
If I were a politician I'd love, love, love divisive issues like abortion and gay marriage, where the lack of action by parties on both sides results in 2 neatly divided groups of highly motivated voters. Where would this country be without highly motivated voters, I ask you? Saul Alinsky wrote quite eloquently about the importance of making sure your people are wound up tighter than Beyonce's ass while your opponent's people are feeling defeated and hopeless, or simply lazy and complacent. Either one is equally beneficial to you, the political radical, or me, the entrenched politician.
If I were a Democrat, whenever I had a strong Republican opponent, I'd shout to the rooftops, "If you don't get out the vote for me, my opponent will outlaw abortion! Spread the word to women everywhere to vote for me or women will die!"
If I were a Republican, whenever I was campaigning, I'd shout "vote for me or more babies will die!" And once elected, even when my party controlled the entire Congress, both the House and the Senate, and the White House, too, I'd do absolutely nothing to stop abortions. Why should I? The fighting in the streets is what got my people to the polls in the first place. It's what got me into this nice comfy position of power and wealth. Why would I or anyone else in my position want to change a damn thing? What am I going to campaign for next time if I outlaw abortion now?
If I were a Democrat, I'd campaign with the promise that if elected I'd create a bill redefining marriage and allowing anyone to marry anyone else, without regard to sex. I'd do this because the gay voters are organized and highly motivated and have a great deal of money and media influence. Plus, this is what they desperately want to hear and I know that the best way to win an election is to tell people what they want to hear. I'd scream out that not redefining marriage for my gay voting block is 'discrimination' and then I'd equate the fight with the civil rights movement of my other massive voting block, the black people, whom I also need to keep motivated in order to get out and vote for me. Of course, once elected, even if we controlled the House and the Senate and the White House, in fact, even if we had a SUPER MAJORITY in the Senate, I wouldn't do a damn thing about passing gay marriage because if I did, what will I campaign on next time? What is going to motivate my voters as much as this?
Right now they're out in the streets spitting on Christians and Republicans everywhere they find them, breaking into churches and terrorizing the faithful. You don't get any more motivated than that, and that is how I like my voters to be as much as possible. I like my voters to be angry and in tears. I like my voters to be irrational and upset. I don't want to do anything that would stop this deluge of violence and rage and hate. I benefit from it. Just because I could pass gay marriage now, what with no opposition party being able to stop me and my party from doing whatever the hell we please for the next few years, I wouldn't do it. If I did then I'd stand to lose all of this fanatical support the moment the issue was settled and the fighting stopped.
Everyone knows that the moment a political party solves the problems they were elected to solve, that party then has to either find a whole new set of crises, or else they get booted out and replaced with the 'other' party. Only fools solve the problems they were elected to solve.
If I were a politician, I'd study Machiavelli and Saul Alinsky more than a monk studies the Bible. I'd practice my speech making skills until I was more skilled at stirring irrational emotions than a televangelist, but I'd look and sound just like one. Those fuckers are masters at kicking up a lot of emotion and that is precisely what I'd be, too. People don't think clearly when their emotions are stirred. They just react. You can get women to murder their loving husbands with emotion. You can get 12 women on a jury to then let that husband-murdering woman go, even though they know she's guilty as hell, all with nothing more than raw emotion. You can get a God-fearing, Bible-thumping, redneck Methodist to bomb an abortion clinic with emotion. You can get gay people to burn churches and punch old ladies holding crosses with emotion. You can get the faithful to strap on bombs and drive a truck into a Marine base, killing themselves in the process with emotion. You can get fools to do any damn thing you want if you can just stir their emotions enough.
If I were a politician, even when I had the power to resolve an issue that my supporters desperately want resolved so that they can have peace of mind and sleep at night, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do any more than I had to to resolve that issue, because I don't want my supporters to sleep at night. People make oddly rational decisions in their sleep sometimes. Rational decisions don't get professional politicians re-elected. Rational decisions lead to people demanding actual leadership from their elected leaders.
What I would do, though, if I were a politician, is to seize upon issues that my opponents had been using to wind up and motivate their own voters. If my opponent's supporters believe in some magical, mythical "war on women" and an "epidemic of violence against women", even though my own voters didn't like it and the Justice Department's own crime statistics showed it to be a big fat lie, I'd sponsor the bill that my opponent's man-hating supporters wanted. Even though it totally screwed my most loyal voter base, I'd slap my own name on the bill that created an entire branch of the U.S. Government whose only reason for existing was to attack and destroy those who vote most consistently for me. I'd do this because it would rob my opponent of an issue that keeps his supporters angry and emotional, while at the same time empowering a great enemy of my own supporters, who would then need me more than ever to help them in their battle for survival against the newly empowered and taxpayer-financed army of enemies seeking their destruction. They would be afraid, and there I'd be, offering to protect them, to save them.
Oh sure, a few of my supporters would know that I had betrayed them, but most of them don't pay that much attention and would just assume I had voted the other way, the rational way, the right way. No one except the NRA and NOW ever checks up on who votes which way on anything. Not ever. Anyway, it isn't as if my supporters can afford to vote against me. Voting against me means crossing over to the other side, the side that scapegoats and demonizes them at every turn in order to stir up their own loyal supporters and keep them angry and afraid. It keeps them voting, too. Crossing over isn't an option.
I'd vote in favor of bills my opponent's supporters wanted as often as I could get away with it, because it screws my opponent and steals his thunder. It also screws my own supporters, but I'd rely on their stupidity, complacency, and ignorance to keep them loyal to me. I'd say one thing and do another. No one ever checks up on this stuff.
And this would be my theme song ...
* For anyone who does not quite understand what I am actually saying here, I am using sarcasm to convey my disgust with our so-called political leaders in America. I do not actually ever intend to run for political office or to behave in the manner which I have previously described. Also, I do not worship the devil. Thank you.
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