I don't have anything particularly snarky and political or hilarious or well-thought-out to say today. I'm just really, really sick. So, of course, I'm writing this from out of my ass rather than working in the database and potentially destroying something irretrievable.
Like a really slutty, vicious virgin
My head is spinning like Madonna's press agent trying to explain why she isn't a selfish, controlling bitch and her future ex-husband is actually the bad guy. This reminds me of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears, except in this case I think Mr. Madonna will probably get substantially more money than Mr. Federline did. Hell, after spending all those years putting up with The Material Girl I think he deserves it.
Speaking of spin, the U.S. Department of Justice has refused to file criminal charges against Obama's vote fraud crime ring - ACORN. Interestingly, all the heads of the Department of Justice who are involved in making the decision not to stop the vote fraud are on record as registered Democrats who gave donations to Barack Obama's presidential campaign. Corruption much? A good indication of how things are going to be under a President Barry? You betcha!
Being sick apparently makes me tired and whiny. I'm in one of those states of mind where you write weepy emails to people like Jessica Biel that say things like, "why don't you love me anymore?" If ever there were a better way to convince a hot chick that you're not man enough for her I haven't discovered it yet. I'm the World's Biggest Doormat when it comes to attractive women. Ironic much? I should write a book, "How to Repel Hot Chicks in 5 Seconds or Less."
Chapter 1: Say things like "All men are pigs. Huh huh huh!"
Yes, this seemingly innocuous yet highly sexist statement is a clear indicator to any potential female mate or fuckbuddy that you are a giant pussy [Amer.] or cunt [Australia, Ireland]. It communicates in crystal clear terms that you not only want to place yourself at the woman's feet, sort of inviting a bondage/domination scenario that only a select few highly paid professional women will tolerate, but it also attempts to drag down your entire masculine sex with you.
Chapter 2: It's 'Sex' not 'Gender', you cunt!
Notice I said 'sex' and not 'gender'. Only bulldykes and human resources employees ever say 'gender' when they mean 'sex'. So of course a truly Girlie Man will say 'gender', too. A person's sex is a biological fact, something the lesbian feminists who run Harvard have trouble arguing with. Gender, on the other hand, is a social construct. If a buzzcut bulldyke puts on a pair of men's Dockers and a men's flannel shirt then her 'gender' becomes male. If Joe Biden takes off his dress and puts on some pants his gender also switches to male. The use of the word 'gender' when one means 'sex' is another quick way a weak man can offer a clue to a woman that he is a waste of her time, a eunuch, a limp dick, a 'socially progressive' flower child who buys carbon credits from my bogus website, I mean, from certain people's websites where guilt can be assuaged with a Visa card, much like the old corrupt 'forgiveness for cash' of the Catholic Church that ultimately sent a real man, Martin Luther, into conniptions and resulted in him nailing a protest to their front door. Real men nail protests to the front door of their enemy. Pussies bow at womens' feet like a doormat or drink toasts to 'respecting women' like the main character did in that movie-masterpiece "Superbad". See the difference?
Chapter 3: "Honey baby, why won't you return my calls? Pick up if you're there."
Women want a man who doesn't give a damn if she's around or not. They like a man who says, 'eh, I guess we can have wild monkey sex if you just really want to. Just remember, I'm only doing this for you.' They don't like needy men who bombard them with whiny emails or fill their answering machines with poetry and love songs. They don't want you texting them every 5 seconds about whatever stupidity pops into your desperate head. They don't like whiny men who are better at sitting down to tea with their mother while talking about why her daughter has no attraction to him then sitting down with her father and talking about whether Australia will lose the cup to New Zealand or whether the Georgia Bulldogs can beat the Florida Gators without some miracle occurring. Being perpetually available, like a tail-wagging puppy dog, is a sure way to run her off.
Chapter 4: Can I borrow some of your lip gloss?
Metrosexual men are very popular with the girlie men and manly grrlz who dominate our media. But that's because they're freaks who fear real men. Metrosexuals are also popular with feminists who want every living male killed, but failing that, a nationwide castration will due. Men who wear more product in their hair than a male fashion designer, who get manicures and pedicures, who wear silk, who wear face cream and eyeliner, who have more Mary Kay lip gloss than every woman in the local trailer park combined, who go to tanning salons, who go to spas, who drive Priuses, are just not going to cut it with your mainstream 'doable' heterosexual women.
Chapter 5: How do you like my pink shirt?
These vagina-men are everywhere lately, waltzing around like Liberace entering stage left to play a piano concerto in a flaming pink flamingo shirt. I don't care if you play center for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I don't care if you have more steroids in you than a Russian sprinter. Men who wear pink are screaming to the world that they are undoable. Wait, let me correct that, they are announcing that they are undoable by women, but if Tyrone Shaquil wants to bend them over in the shower and take a stool sample then they might just be up for it. Real men don't wear pink. Men who don't get laid do.
Chapter 6: I don't want to have sex. I'm respecting your boundaries.
More and more hot-blooded, sexually active, highly attractive American women are lately complaining that the men they try to mount are refusing to 'go for it' and get busy with them. The women make it as clear as they can what they want to do, only to have the men back off and 'respect her boundaries' for fear of offending her. To be fair, a lot of this is the fault of the female supremacist hate movement that has labeled all sex between a man and a woman as rape of the woman. The law has followed suit, of course. So it shouldn't be surprising that the males of today, having been bashed their entire life long for being male, might be a bit hesitant to go for it without the assistance of a large quantity of alcohol or drugs. Still, it's gotten bad enough that women are openly complaining about it. A lot. In fact, more and more women, including women who describe themselves as 'lipstick feminists' and 'sexperts' have been writing articles in various magazines (Maxim) going off about these Boundary Respecting Boys with steadily increasing frustration. It's almost sounding as if more and more women are turning to bisexual activities not because they enjoy women so much as they simply have grown frustrated with the lack of manliness of the men in their lives. Welcome to feminist America. We're all girls now.
My penis is only this big
So anyway, there you have it. There's a brief synopsis of my book that I haven't written yet. It should be easy to write. I'm an expert on this sort of failure.
OK, well every time I cough I feel as if my lungs turned inside out and someone kicked me in the sternum. I just farted and I'm not entirely sure it was a clean blast of air. My coffee is cold. My cough medicine isn't strong enough. And I'm slightly hallucinating. Wait, maybe it is strong enough. Wheeee!
And now for some deep insight into part of what's wrong with America today ...
You have read this article men
with the title I'm still a guy. You can bookmark this page URL http://thebohemianbunny.blogspot.com/2008/10/i-still-guy.html. Thanks!
