My damned cat is about to get his ass evicted. Yesterday we put him outside because he kept standing in the middle of our living room and going "huuuuuuuuh! Huuuuuuuuuuh!" And while he was doing this he was all hunched up like a sorority girl making love to a toilet bowl. So we put him outside, with the screen door closed and the sliding glass door open.
Do you know what that Maine Coon fucker did? He stuck all his claws into the screen door and yanked it open. And when he pulled his claws out he didn't just retract them. Oh no. He pulled them through the screen first, making a big-assed hole in the shape of a cat paw. Mother fucker!
So he stayed out all evening. We let him in that night, figuring it can't take 4 hours to hock up a hairball.
Next morning, Fuzzy Mother Fucker had puked in four different places on the rug! One of them was under an end table and one was behind the fucking couch. But get this, not a fucking one of them was on the linoleum in the kitchen. Yeah, that bastard knows how much we love cleaning his puke off the carpeting, so he makes it a point to never, ever puke on something slick and shiny and cleanable like linoleum.
He went outside this morning with help from my foot up his ass. I swear I heard him laughing as he ran off across the yard, too.
In related news, the Investors Business Daily reports that our illustrious and oh-so-PC FBI is still searching for that mysterious Anthrax Terrorist who killed all those people with mailed anthrax immediately following 911. But here's the kicker, since the beginning of their investigation, so as not to offend any terrorists, they have NOT INVESTIGATED ANY MUSLIMS!
Yes, you read that right. You know who they're looking for? I'll give you a hint, think back to the Washington, D.C. sniper and who the dumb fuckers in the FBI and the racist sherriff were insisting must have done it. Yeah, same guy. The FBI can't catch anyone associated with the Anthrax Terrorist because they are looking for .... drumroll please .... a white male between the ages of 20 and 40. They are saying this guy, this white male typical TV villian, just happened to get his hands on military-grade anthrax and the addresses of all the important people that were hit with it within days of the 911 attacks by pure luck and poisoned them as a plot to make it LOOK as if Muslim terrorists did it.
See how devilishly evil them thar white males are? And here everyone and their mothers thought it was obviously Muslim terrorists and not some local redneck living in the woods somewhere. Good thing the FBI is so much smarter than the rest of America or they might be looking at suspects connected with the men who flew those jets into our buildings. It's funny because those men all stayed in motels and apartments in the areas where the anthrax spores were eventually mailed, but they were already dead when the mailings occurred, meaning that someone had to know where they stayed and mail them after the 911 attacks. And all this, the PC FBI says, was one white male and not part of the organized terrorist attack by Muslims.
Wow, I never would have come up with the white male scenario in a million years. That's probably why the FBI won't hire me. Well, that and the fact that I'm a white male. Most likely I'm a suspect seeing as I fit the profile - white, male, have access to a mailbox. Yep, that pretty much covers their logic.
In related news, the rocket scientists at the Wall Street Journal, ever PC in all that they do, have determined that HP didn't fire it's CEO and her accomplices in crime because they are sociopaths on a power trip who trample on the law. Oh no, it wasn't that at all. The Journal says that HP fired her because ...... can you guess this one ....... because she's a WOMAN.
Oh fuck me in the ass and call me Alice, I never would have come up with that explanation even if I were high on quality New York cocaine. Then again, I'm not a castrated ivy league reporter living in Manhattan either, so maybe that's why. My mind must be too narrow. I was under the ridiculous impression that she was fired for authorizing illegal spying on her fellow board-members or something far less admirable like that. Silly me. I totally overlooked the GREAT WHITE MALE OPPRESSION CONSPIRACY explanation.
So anyway, JY Biscuit Hound is IMing me and I feel a fart coming on. Unfortunately, we have a client in the hallway making a tour of our facility while our tour guide explains how we serve them and save them lots of money. I have a bad feeling this gas bomb is going to escape just as they pass my office. Pray for me!
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