FYF - Random Madness

Fuck You Friday

It's another Fuck You Friday.

These are almost certainly not the top stories.
They're just stories that made me blurt out a comment 'cause I couldn't help myself.

And now, the Nude Memphis news:

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Whites appealed Katrina insurance more

This is an interesting article. Basically it says that when the insurance companies screwed over the homeowners the middle class whites fought back, but the lower class blacks didn’t. The insurance industry even made special efforts for blacks only to tell them about all their options. But it didn’t help. So this, of course, is Whitey’s fault somehow.

Sony apologizes for battery recall

That’s OK. I quit buying their shit a long time ago anyway. There's been something funky going on at Sony for awhile now.

U.S. limits on same-sex schools to ease

So the destruction of VMI and the Citadel was all just a big joke? And of course the New York Girl’s Leadership School has been rolling merrily along since right after they tore those schools to pieces, without a hint of government action to make the New York Grrlz stop discriminating against boys. In fact, there’s five of those schools despite being illegal up until this ruling. Oh well, at least this means there is a possibility that somewhere some boys might get a decent education. Lord knows they aren’t getting it in any public schools now. Unless they show up in a dress.

Independents breaking toward Democrats, poll says

I have this Who song rolling around in my head, “people forget.” Pete Townsend has a horrible singing voice, but it’s a fun song anyway.

Wal-Mart plans aggressive holiday electronics push

What holiday would that be for exactly? Do people buy a lot of electronics for Thanksgiving or Halloween? Maybe it's Ramadan?

Chinese river mysteriously turns red

Then I guess they shouldn’t be calling it the Yellow River anymore, should they?

Judge stays execution for ex-cult leader who claims obesity will interfere with death

His fatness will interfere with his death? No, it won’t. Not if you’re doing it right, it won’t. Here, let me show you.

Cultural body seeks S.Africa law for male circumcision

I thought genital mutilation was outlawed? Oh wait, that’s only for …. say it with me now … wo/men.

Hemorrhoids treated by stapling likely to return

Does your ass hurt? Here, let me shoot it with a staplegun and see if that doesn’t fix it.

Two drinks daily help men avoid heart attack: study

Well, if two is good, four must be better, right? Shots all around!

Study: Vegetables may keep brains young

I thought when you're a vegetable it means your brain is totally useless. So are they saying that young people are totally useless? That’s kind of mean, don’t you think? And not true, either. College girls are hot.

Alabama candidate campaigns on cleavage

She’s the Libertarian candidate and so, in addition to making some really great points, she also flashes her boobs and sells t-shirts with slogans relating to her boobs. And we wonder why the Libertarians never win.

Man, 68, teaches teen robbers a lesson

He beat their asses, kind of like we just did to the Taliban and Saddam Hussein. Why is this type of lesson so hard to understand? Sometimes you just have to act like a man to stop getting robbed.

Tenn. fire chief charged with arson

You know, every time there’s a fire HE’S THERE!!!

NJ court stops short of gay marriage OK

Until AFTER the election ‘cause Democrats are looking likely to take control as long as no one rocks their rainbow boat.

Weight gain means lower gas mileage

Is this hard to figure out? Do we need a news article to tell us this? Here’s the bottom line, if your bottom line is big and fat then your car is hauling the equivalent of two or three people everywhere you go. Consequently, you will not get as good gas mileage as you would have gotten had you not eaten all those Twinkies.

A very lost manatee is chilly in Memphis

He probably got mugged and anally raped, too, before rescuers got him the heck out of here. Oh wait, this is Memphis. He’s been here three days and they still haven’t done anything for him. I guess they expect him to take the bus home?

Guess who isn't having as much sex as you thought

Me?

Man paints bridge pink without approval

Pardon me, but what a fag. What a Nancy boy. What a puss. Normal men paint “AC/DC” or “Sid Vicious Lives” or something like that. This fruitcake painted it pink. Geez. Are there no real men left in the world?

Toddler gets stuck in vending machine

How much for the child? I have a dollar. Shall I use the claw to get him? So much cheaper than adoption. America is great country!

U.S. death toll in Iraq worst in a year

Did you know that we lost more men in a single day during the War Between the States than we’ve lost in the entire Iraq war? I found that out yesterday and I thought it was interesting. What a nation of poofs we’ve become. I swear, the wives of our men in combat are braver and stronger than the so-called men in our media. Hell, the children of any soldier in Iraq right now probably are, too.

Home price drop is largest in 35 years

That’s because the prices were so fuckin’ inflated over the past few years. This is what’s known as a “correction” and it’s long overdue. For those of us looking to sell it sucks. But for those of us looking to buy it’s great. And for those of us who have to sell one in order to buy another it’s something of a wash. For those not planning to move for a long time it means lower property tax bills each year.

In Brazil's election, the gay vote counts

It counts in New York City and San Francisco, too. And have you heard about the water in the D.C. area neutering all of our male politicians while turning our female politicians into screaming Barbara Streisands? Anyone besides me remember the story about the kingdom where a witch poisoned the well and once everyone was poisoned and crazy they suddenly thought their sane king was crazy until he drank from the well and went crazy, too? That was a good story. Anyone been to Carnival lately?

Ore. church set on fire during service

See, this is the sort of thing that shows me just how often I’m unwilling to “turn the other cheek” ‘cause I would so be beating the living shit out of this guy before he ever even got the match lit. I might never be invited back to that church again, but secretly all the women there would love me ‘cause I was the only man in the place with enough balls to pound that fucker. And besides, I don’t think this scenario is what Jesus was talking about in the first place.

Actors, athletes to be in stem-cell ad

This whole thing is a testament to Americans’ declining attention spans. The issue is not general stem cell research. The issue is specifically “embryonic stem cell” research. But when you're a less than honorable person you prefer to muddy the waters as much as possible and cover your real goals with shining faces to help it sell. I don’t care where you stand on this issue. I just hate when political players try to sell their goals by confusing and deceiving people. If you have to lie about it then chances are you’re probably wrong or an asshole looking to make some serious money at taxpayer expense. Often it’s both. Be straight with me if you want my support, you know what I mean?

Lucy fossil not coming to Smithsonian

No one is too upset about it. Linus is coming instead. Most people like Linus better anyway. Lucy was always a bitch. I hear she’s a senator now.

Poll: Middle class voters abandoning GOP

No, no, you got that backwards

Where the living share space with the dead

The Supreme Court? Congress? ABC?

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