Dear UPS,
My house is located on a street that your driver apparently does not like. Our front door faces the road that our mailbox is located on. This street is considered to be our "address". Our driveway, on the other hand, comes out onto another street that intersects with the street upon which we live.
Your driver, whenever he has a package for our "address", refuses to set foot or tires onto the street that we live on, much like Jack Nicholson's character in that movie he made with Helen Hunt in the wet T-shirt and later totally nude while the gay guy drew her. I'm sure you know what movie I mean. He was neurotic and refused to step on cracks. He was also rude and selfish and generally pissed people off.
Your driver is just like this. He refuses to deliver to our street and he is pissing me off.
You see, your driver, by refusing to set foot or wheels onto our street, has to find some other way to deliver our packages without ever going to the front of the house if he is to fully and properly avoid the street he seems so fearful of.
So, rather than going around to the front of the house where packages could be placed safely and under cover during bad weather, your driver walks up our driveway and throws the package between the bumper of the giant yellow car parked there and the garage door. When we come home we don't see the package because of the giant yellow car, so we don't receive it. Meanwhile, the package, not being under cover of anything, sits out in the rain for several days, eventually turning into a brown pile of mush which is useless to us and of no value whatever.
Eventually we find the fossilized remains of the package, usually after a long fight with the company who shipped it and who doesn't feel the need to give us a refund because your records show that you delivered the package to us, when in fact, you did not.
I need for you to ask your neurotic undermedicated driver to stay out of our driveway and instead take the package around to the front of our house. You can't miss the front of our house. It has this big black thing jutting out from the roof with several white pillars leading down from the black thing to the ground below. It looks sort of like a room without any walls. We call this a "porch".
If you would be so kind as to instruct your driver to place all packages addressed to us on our "porch" instead of throwing it in the driveway, halfway under the bumper of the car in the oil and grease on the concrete there, and fully exposed to the rain and snow, this would be very helpful.
Alternatively, we can begin throwing the soggy disasters that he creates in our driveway at him whenever we see him and then beat him to death before burning and looting his truck.
Either way works for us. Just please let us know.
Sincerely,
Memphis Steve
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