It's another Fuck You Friday. The headline news this week is loaded with politics. Here are some of this week's top stories:
There is no crime too horrible that she couldn’t come to America and get away with it by claiming to be the “real victim”.
Saddam gets tossed from court once again
Does anyone think he really cares? Honestly? “Oh no, I got kicked out of court today. Boo hoo!”
Ex-Enron CFO expected to get 10 years
Whereas, killing your husband gets you a made-for-TV movie and possibly a spot on The View!
Man quizzed over Harrow murder
So the punishment for murder in the UK is a pop-quiz? Wow, that’s harsh! Is it fill-in-the-blank or multiple-choice?
U.S. drops to 6th in world competitiveness ranking
40 years of "social activism" in our schools and yet still we keep sliding down and down? Hmm, I just don’t understand that. We’re so progressive. Doesn’t that count for anything?
Bush disputes Iraq war worsens terrorism
I’m sorry, but to suggest that fighting the terrorists makes them worse is like saying to fight back against the playground bully will only make him meaner. It doesn’t. It makes him stop beating your ass and go find someone else to pick on. Or should I be PC and say he/r and s/he, which is just ‘her’ and ‘she’ with a very weak pretense of sexual inclusiveness?
Man with faulty implant may not get cash
This man had a penile implant installed before Viagra was accidentally discovered. It didn’t work right and stuck in the “up” position for 10 years. But the court has decided that this hasn’t really been a inconvenience of any consequence or anything and so he’s going to get nothing. Find a toenail in your French fries and you’ll get millions. Have a mechanical boner for 10 years that causes you pain and humiliation and you get jack crap.
Many women unaware they're pre-diabetic
So are many men. Does being men make it somehow less dangerous for them? Or perhaps you just care less because a Republican-controlled Congress passed a law providing no funding if you include males in your studies?
Plucky boy gets Miss Universe dream date
How plucky did he have to be exactly? ‘Cause I want me some of that.
Cartels use suburban homes to grow pot
Oh hell, we’ve been doing th … I mean, that’s been going on for as long as I can remember. This isn’t news.
Health insurance is twice inflation rate
Yes, thank you lawyers and medicare patients who are 100 times more likely to sue for something that is your owned damned fault. Half my family works in medicine and we know who has been jacking us all. It’s you, Ghetto-Bitch. Oh, I’m sorry. I’m supposed to be more PC. I meant to say, Ghetto-Bi/otch.
Corporate criminals Ebbers, Fastow pay stiff price
Yeah? Not half as stiff as the guy who had the penile implant that stuck in the erect position for 10 years, I’ll bet you.
Da Vinci's Mona Lisa was a new mother, say experts
You guys really have absolutely nothing to do, do you? This is what happens when companies and government agencies block access to the internet, you know - people do shit like this. Oops, I meant to see “gi/rls” instead of “guys.” My bad. It’s so hard to be PC these days. The rules change moment by moment.
Too much testosterone kills brain cells -US study
Ah yes, and too much estrogen heals and makes the mind a better place, right? We’re all familiar with how this game is being played. Make the personal political. Make the political personal. Politicize everything and never admit you’re lying. Fuck you.
Ben & Jerry's to use eggs from cage-free chickens
America’s favorite Commucapitalists are going on another PR campaign. That’s awesome. But if you really care about chickens’ rights, you’ll let them decide whether to give you their eggs or not. You should “dialogue” with them for the eggs. Otherwise you’re just stealing and trying to dress it up as altruism with a profit. I’ll bet PETA still thinks you’re a couple of mean fuckers, even if they won’t say it out loud because of all your money flowing into their bank account.
Medical examiner: Mutilation is typically a male on male crime
The full story says that sexual mutilation of a man’s genitals is done more frequently by homosexual men to their “partners” during a breakup than it is by heterosexual women to their boyfriends or husbands. But, oddly enough, The Media never ever EVER reports any stories of homosexual sexual mutilation or sexual assault of the testicles, which is also more frequent between homosexual men than it is between a woman attacking a heterosexual man. In fact, the whole “kicking the balls is funny” trend in movies and TV was originally begun by homosexual men at Disney, but has since been taken and run with by the feminists who run most of the TV networks and dominate the politics of the movie industry. So, in light of how I feel about all of this, I say fuck you all for that. You are all sadists who deserve to be treated the way you treat others. May your genitals explode in a hail of bullets and fall at your feet in a splattery mess that stains your new white carpeting and ruins your expensive shoes. And may your stupid little yappy dog eat them before you can pick them up.
Murder trial set for wife and lover, who allegedly lived in closet before killing husband
Anne Heche? She was a closet case who came out shooting. Soon to be portrayed in a movie by Charlize Theron, who will no doubt find something to love about the woman no matter what. Actually, it was the lover who lived in the closet. He was an illegal alien from Mexico and this woman was fucking him in between storing him with her shoes. Some women have low standards, apparently. I guess she saw it on Desperate Housewives and thought it would be a cool idea to do the gardener, too. Seriously though, you should click this one and read it. This is some twisted shit. She’s a freak and he’s a Mexican who doesn’t speak any English to her not speaking any Spanish. It’s just raw jungle sex.
Bush dismisses Clinton critique as "finger-pointing"
Which finger was he using? Just curious.
Clinton Narcissism Killing the Democrats
Hmm, it didn’t seem to bother them much in the ‘90s. And I’m betting they won’t be too bothered by it in his wife during November of 2007 or beyond. My magical crystal ball says so.
Finger length linked to female sporting potential
Hmm, a previous study claimed women with longer than average ring fingers were more likely to be lesbians. Now they’re backing up and saying, “no, no, not lesbians. Just great golfers.”
Three-year-old buys pink convertible on Internet
How would you like to be the guy who lost that auction? “I lost to who? Dammit!!!”
Mugabe praised as Zambia elects new president
And like a cancer, the evils of communism/socialism/narcissism spread from nation to nation, slaughtering white man after white man as if to prove again and again that the price of evil is death, destruction and chaos. Pray for their souls because no one is going to lift a finger to save them. We already know this from watching the genocide in Zimbabwe which not one single nation has lifted a finger to stop. Meanwhile, the UN wants more of our troops assigned to them to help park their limos at the UN building in New York.
Schwarzenegger signs global warming bill
He’s rehearsing for a role as a true politician. Sign anything The Press loves. Worry about the consequences later. Or better yet, leave it to the next generation to cope with. Does this sound familiar? I’m thinking of a current U.S. President here.
Bush up, Dems still favored in November: Reuters poll
It sounds like they’re playing football or something. Bush completed several passes last Sunday but is still talking of retiring at the end of the season. The Democrats have a high-ranked, but emotionally unstable quarterback-hopeful who plans to lead the Democrats to the Superbowl in 2008. Meanwhile, Republicans are expected to begin their search for a new starting quarterback soon, as backup-QB Cheney is expected to retire rather than take the starting job after an injury plagued season riding the bench. Several Republican starters are not expected to return next season, possibly giving the edge during the playoffs to the Democrats with their small army of youthful rookies. Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi is said to be secretly hoping to shock everyone by taking the top QB spot at training camp and leaving former cheerleader and current defensive captain Hillary scrambling to retain her position on the team at all.
40 men found tortured, shot dead in Iraq
This headline was quickly change to the more PC …
40 bodies found in Iraq; 21 others dead
The removal of the word ‘men’ speaks for itself.
Senate approves $70B for war spending
I recall a bill in 1994 that approved $4.6 billion for the female supremacists to ramp up their war on men, boys, and families at tax-payer expense. It was later upped to $10 billion. Funny, their war funding has been upped and upped ever since and yet The Media never even mentions it when it comes up anymore, almost as if they don’t want anyone to know about it. Yeah, $70 billion to go after terrorists is a drop in the bucket if we can pay tens of billions to finance the war on males and families in our own country. Alternatively, we could just flush it all down the toilet. That might actually be less harmful in the long run. But what do I know? No one, and I do mean no one, ever asked me how I felt about it. Senator Frist, are you listening? No, of course not. And fuck you very much for that. Enjoy your retirement, dickhead. You assholes STILL misspell my name on the junk mail you send to my house.
UN: Israel used precision bomb to hit UN officers
Oops. Oy vey.
Judge: Gay R.I. couple can wed in Mass.
The judge’s argument here is that because Rhode Island doesn’t have a law specifically saying that two women can’t marry each other, as opposed to the law they already do have which requires one man and one woman, then it must be legal. But the law in Rhode Island doesn’t allow it, so what he’s really saying is “I don’t give a shit what the law says. I got a fat bribe and a blowjob and I’m laughing all the way to the bank, bitches.” Fuck judges who have no respect for the law or The People. Based on his logic, because Tennessee doesn’t have a law specifically saying that a white, heterosexual, male named Steve can’t shoot corrupt judges, then it is legal to do so in Rhode Island.
Principal shot in rural Wis. school
The ACLU is on its’ way there right now to defend the student for being within his right to shoot the principal. Oh, silly me. I was being un-PC. To defend the student for being within he/r right to shoot the principal.
Millions of anchovies die on Spain beach
Noooooo! Now I’ll have to eat my pizza plain. Oh, the horror!
American female space tourist returns
Shouldn’t that read “American fe/male space tourist returns”? Oh come on now, let’s be consistent with this shit. Also, "American" and "fe/male" should be reversed with a hyphen, just to be proper. So it should read “Fe/male-American space tourist returns.” Yes, isn’t that so much better? We have college professors who spend years shoving this shit down our throats so let's get it right, girls and girls.
Ex-Rep. Foley checks into alcohol rehab
The standard strategy for any politician who gets caught doing something extraordinarily embarrassing or humiliating is to follow it up with getting caught doing something headline-worthy, but slightly less embarrassing or humiliating. Thus, if a member of Congress is caught trying to molest a teenage boy then he … oops, “s/he” simply covers that story over by checking into a rehab clinic and saying, “see, it’s not my fault. I’m sick. Oh, how embarrassing for me to be in rehab.” This sounds better in the polls than “I’m sick. I’m a homosexual pedophile.” See how that works? Whee, it’s all just a game.
Supreme Court begins new term
Is this a warning or just an attempt at being informative? One of by land, two if by sea, three if the Supremes are about to do something looney once again.
Zambia opposition's Sata concedes defeat
Sata is the lunatic who aspired to be the next Mugabe, but he foolishly made threats against Chinese investors as part of his campaign promises. If you aspire to be a communist dictator in a banana republic it is generally unwise to threaten the most powerful communist dictatorship in the world, as he has just discovered.
Nagin wants minorities key to recovery
In other words, the racist and sexist mayor of Louisiana’s “chocolate city” is requiring that anyone attempting to clean up the giant mess which he and his mother, the governor, helped cause in New Orleans must discriminate against any charitable businesses owned by white male heterosexuals. What this means is that, once again, mayor Nagin is standing in the way of saving New Orleans from the pit of rape and death that it has become because he is a bigot and an idiot. $100 says he gets re-elected with ease.
Automakers face wide profitability gap: study
That’s because they’ve been busy trying to save the souls of the world from the evils of Christianity and white males instead of conducting their business according to the principals of capitalism. If they’d just fire all their social activist evangelicals from positions in management and replace them with people who actually have some minor interest in building and selling cars then they just might turn things around and survive. Otherwise, fuck’em all. They can pass into history along with the Model T.
In police interview, woman described stabbing penis of man who attacked her
She’s still claiming that she was stabbing his penis in self-defense, although she also says she was out of her mind on meth at the time and that “everything went black” after she pulled her knife on the man who promised her drugs, but then couldn’t produce them. She faces life if she’s convicted, but she’s relying on the ever-popular and feminist-supported “I’m the real victim” defense, which has never failed and isn’t likely to fail this time either. I predict she’ll ultimately walk, even if she gets convicted in the first go-round of some lesser offense. Oh yes, she’ll appeal and she’ll eventually walk. You wait and see. Life is just a gameshow and male sexual organs are apparently the big red button you pound when you want to answer a question during the lightning round.
S.C. official: Sterilize bad parents
Sure thing, Adolph. But first, let’s have a talk with your own kids, if you even have any. You just might be first in line.
Naked peeper made to pay neighbors $13K
See? I TOLD you a good stalker doesn’t wear pants!
Police: Killer of Amish longed to molest
OK, so he killed himself in order not to do it, right? Then why kill them, too? We should ask Jesus to raise him from the dead so we can kill him again. Jesus will probably say "no", but it's worth a shot.
Wife accused of chasing husband with ax
Wait, let me guess, then they arrested him for domestic violence, right? No? But it’s all his fault according to federal law. Catharine MacKinnon is going to be so pissed.
House opens page sex scandal inquiry
So Barney Frank is finally getting into some trouble for molesting that underaged page boy all those years ago? Oh no, wait. This is a Republican “gay-American”. That’s totally different. Barney was re-elected and today is called “the conscience of the Democratic Party”, much as Bill Clinton is the “first black president” while Senator Bill Packwood was simply a "pervert". That’s the big difference between the Republicans and Democrats. When a Republican is caught doing anything at all, all the other Republicans instantly jump on him in a wild feeding frenzy which, quite honestly, baffles me. But when a Democrat gets busted, they all close ranks and start making up new insults to hurl at whomever caught the fucker, like “homophobe”, “racist”, or “McCarthy.” And that’s pretty much the only difference. They’re apparently both gay and molest pages and smoke pot and get blowjobs and lie to their supporters and try to fuck Markie Post in the Lincoln bedroom. This explains so much, really.
Voters say scandals will affect votes
That’s the whole idea, dumbass. Why do you think they waited until now to bring it up? They knew back in November, but everyone knows you gotta have an “October surprise” during an election year. Otherwise, what fun would it be to be in politics? This is the political equivalent of a keg party.
WTC steel cross moves to nearby church
That’s because the ACLU was going to burn it while simultaneously campaigning for new “hate crime” laws.
Mad deer disease may spread with saliva
Do deer go around spitting a lot or something? I don’t know. I’m not a deer hunter. But we should do something about that. Maybe pass a federal law prohibiting deer from spitting. I'll bet you $50 it would pass.
Gay marriage dealt defeat in California
Well would you look at that? Just when Democrats are looking to retake the House and Hillary is about to ramp up her campaign for the White House, this whole politically embarrassing saga suddenly just evaporates into thin air as if by magic, waiting until after she’s elected before reappearing once again. As the Church Lady used to say, “isn’t that SPECIAL?” Hillary and company totally fucked John Kerry with this one, that’s for damn sure. But then again, wasn’t that the whole idea?
Victims say Foley should name abuser
Holy shit, so if I’m ever elected to Congress are they gonna force me to name the lesbian feminist school teachers who abused me and the other boys? I was just gonna take out a hit on them instead. Personally, that’s what I think he should do, too.
China jamming test sparks U.S. satellite concerns
They’re preparing to disable our satellites as an act of war and to see if we'll have the guts to do anything about it. Maybe if we send Jimmy Carter and Jesse Jackson over there to “talk” with them they’ll stop it, eh? Yeah I know, but let’s do it anyway. Maybe they’ll keep them both as trophies. Then we can laugh, "ha ha, suckers!"
Hemorrhoid cream not for the face, drugmaker says
Who couldn’t guess this without being told? Do not apply medicines for your ass to your face. Are they gonna have to put this on the box now? My God, we are such a gay country these days. Just ask Representative Foley. He'll tell you.
"Diet" cocktails are more intoxicating
So what this means is that guys should first convince that hot chick at the bar that she’s fat, and then when she orders a diet drink his chances of fucking her go way up, eh? This is important information! This should be posted in Men's Health or something. Probably in a year or two it will be.
Man apologizes for courtroom feces
Um, sorry about that, Your Honor. I had to go, like, real bad.
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