It's Fuck You Friday and today's big Fuck You is dedicated to all the headlines in the news and some personal life events that are pissing me off.
Can I send out a big Fuck You to a stingray? Would that be over the line? I know Steve Irwin did crazy things sometimes, but he was likable enough and he had a wife and kid. And this time he wasn’t even doing anything to threaten the animal. No one wants to be stabbed in the heart for no good reason. Fuck you, stingray!
What, not sheep or pigs or chickens? And this time it’s not little boys being molested by gay men for once, but instead it’s little girls being molested by heterosexual mountain pedophiles claiming to be doing it with the authority of God. This is a new one. Oddly, it reminds me of the movie “Braveheart”, where the English nobles raped Scottish women on their wedding nights and claimed it was their right because the king said they could. So, in that spirit, I claim it as my right to tie these men to the back of my Chevelle and drag them down the quarter mile track at 140 mph, over and over again, until I run out of gas or break into the 10s, at which point I would be required to install a rollcage and other safety equipment that I don’t really want. Yes, because this is my right as a Scotsman. Bring them to me. And also the woman that played Mel Gibson’s wife. Bring her to me as well. She’s a hottie.
Oooh, would you look at that? Intel sends all its’ technical jobs to third world countries and suddenly finds its’ products and profits turning to shit. Who would’a thunk it? I mean, besides virtually everyone actually doing the work in the IT industry, as opposed to useless fuckin' managers. Yeah, Fuck You, Intel. We all know WHERE the job cuts are going to be and where they AREN’T going to be. We also know why your stock is in the toilet, douchebags.
Roger, the headhunter
Yeah, a great, big, gigantic Fuck You goes out to whoever gave Roger the Headhunter my work phone number. The last thing I need is some cut-throat, car-salesman, headhunter, sociopath calling me at work demanding that I meet with him at 6:30 in the freaking morning to discuss some job he wants to place me in so he can collect a big fat fee and I can get screwed. I’m sick of headhunters. I’m sick of the phone calls and the jerk-arounds. And I don’t ever want some fuckin' headhunter calling my phone at work again. Fuck You for giving this Nicholas Cage “Gone in 60 Seconds”, “Two Rogers don’t make a right”, cartoon character my work number!
I’m sorry, what? Say that again, please. Some political activist group that wants more tax money claims children in New York City are both fat and starving at the same time? Yeah, I’m crying me a fuckin’ river here. Something stinks in NYC and it ain’t the $10 Rolex I bought on the sidewalk there in ‘98. Not that the watch is any good, but at least it doesn’t lie to me about fat hungry kids.
This is very interesting to me because the whole story seems to support everything that I’ve been saying the past few years about the worthlessness of the people representing us in Washington, D.C. Apparently they are finding the fish there so damaged by pollutants in the water supply that they have both male and female sex organs. As always, the males are showing far more damage than the females, but the females are nevertheless rather dykey and manly. This supports my belief that all our men in Congress are a bunch of dickless fairies who call their mommas every time a vote has to be made so that they can ask her what to do. We don’t have leaders. We have eunuchs and Dykes on Bikes. And fuck‘em all, by the way.
Oh, I so don’t care. She’s got the traffic fine money in her shoe, plus court costs in her panties, plus a few thousand extra dollars in God-knows-what. I have no doubt of that. As for the losing of her license, she lives in fuckin’ New York City so I’m sure she doesn’t give a flying cuntfart. Plus, being a massively rich skank ho, she no doubt has a limo and a driver for whenever she needs. Woo hoo, Paris got a DUI. Fuck her. But congrats to her sister, Nicky, for being stand-up enough to go pick her ass up from jail at oh-my-God-it's-early in the morning.
I remember when the EPA said that because of their great and fabulous studies on methane, all the farmers were going to be required to fix their cows so they didn't fart so much. Anyone else remember this? It was a classic example of big government in action. So, does this mean all the Mexican restaurants are going to be closed down? Are we now suddenly going to do something about the Mexicans sneaking across our borders, farting and cooking burritoes? Is Washington going to send troops to foreign countries that have weapons of mass flatulence to stop them from blowing us all away? Is it war with Tony Blair now? Everyone knows the British love a good fart as much as anyone. Oh no, of course not! They'll just propose that cows wear charcoal undies or some stupid shit like that. Yeah, any time you want a supposed "problem" to suddenly get dramatically worse, just let the government study it and then try to fix it. It's guaranteed. Fuck the methane study and fuck government attempts to fix their own made-up problems. I feel a fart coming on and no one is going to stop me from releasing it!
I thought we all knew what explains teenage behavior? Weren’t we all teenagers once? It’s the lack of a brain coupled with the sudden presence of raging genitals that explains teenage behavior. Who didn’t know this? Seriously, who?
Try doing it in Atlanta traffic. That’s what most women in Atlanta end up doing. Geez, pandas have it easy. Fuck that Atlanta traffic!
Isn’t that what the environmentalists have wanted all along? I thought this was supposed to be a good thing. It isn’t?
I wonder if she’s any good? Wouldn’t it suck to be in a vegetative state, lying there playing tennis all day long, day in and day out, and you suck at it? That would be awful. I’ll bet when she wakes up she’s gonna ask for tennis lessons first thing.
He had funds, funds, funds ‘till his daddy took the T-bills away! Bwa ha ha! Sorry, little investor joke there.
I guess my blog isn’t real popular in China then, eh? Yeah, well then fuck you, China!
This gives new meaning to that whole “she’s touching me” argument, doesn’t it? Geez, talk about rotten kids!
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