Memphis Drivers, OJ Simpson
Circle I Limbo
Paris Hilton
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind
Billy Mays the Oxiclean Guy
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow
Oprah Winfrey
Circle IV Rolling Weights
Michael Jackson, Charlize Theron
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled
River Styx
Hezbollah, Jesse Jackson
Circle VI Buried for Eternity
River Phlegyas
Katie Couric
Circle VII Burning Sands
Lorena Bobbit
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement
Julia Roberts
Circle IX Frozen in Ice
One day we'll all be dead and spending eternity somewhere or other. I predict, based on my deeply held religious beliefs, that some of us will be eating donuts and arguing over who has to be the new Sunday School teacher, because to be honest most of us don't want the job, while some will simply not make the cut. Maybe it's because I'm watching pre-season football and 40 of these guys are going to be cut from their teams by this time tomorrow? I don't know. But this is real life. It's hard, it's cold, it's sometimes unfair and the refs are all blind. And it involves some people going to hell. So let's talk about it.
I was only allowed to create 9 levels of hell, so some people had to double up. Starting at the least horrible level of hell and working our way down, we find:
Memphis Drivers and OJ Simpson - I don't know how they both ended up in the least horrible level of hell. I should think OJ would be deeper down, but you know he's got those 3 damned lawyers. They probably helped him make a deal. As for the Memphis Drivers, I guess God showed them mercy for simply being total morons more than malicious evil-doers. This does not apply to ALL of them, though, as I know of one woman who parks in handicapped parking even though she's not handicapped, who drives a 4-door Dodge Ram pickup just because nothing smaller can handle her fat ass, who used to work for Exxon Oil in Texas, who is a passive/aggressive cowardly cunt that intentionally hurts people everywhere she goes by stabbing them from behind, who has ruined the lives of 3 ex-husbands and is working on her fourth and his poor teenage son, and who will probably die choking to death on a ham sandwich. She'll be much deeper down. She might even be down there with ...
Paris Hilton - yeah, she did some porn videos. She isn't shy about getting naked in public. I'd do her after several shots of Tequila and penicillin when I was drunk enough to mistake her for Jessica Simpson. She just got a DUI, as if she cares. But she's evil and she spreads herpes (allegedly) and as she gets older you and I both know that her evil is going to grow stronger and more offensive. Soon this silver spoon skank ho will be running for the Senate, serving as Hillary Clinton's Sith Lord apprentice. And then the Jedi will be forced to kill her, sending her to hell, where she'll be looking down upon ...
Billy Mays, the screaming OxiClean guy - how many damned commercials does this guy do?! I see him everywhere now. Lately he's been trying to scream at me to buy some hooks that you punch through your wall to hang car tires from. He's like pine needles in a wind storm. He's all over the damned place and he's oh-so-annoying. When Billy is burning in hell he'll be trying to sell his OxiClean to his neighbor down below ...
Oprah Winfrey - where did this fat ghetto bitch get the idea that she's some kind of intellectual political commentator? She's such a moron! Yes, I know she thinks she's doing good deeds, but so did Adolph Hitler, and he was wrong, too. She's just so annoying. SO annoying. And that's why she just barely ranks higher than ....
Michael Jackson and Charlize Theron - Yes, Michael appears to be a crazed pedophile, and that's rather hard to pity. Sure, he had a rough childhood. So did Charlize Theron. And so did I. But that doesn't excuse molesting little boys, wearing those hideous '80s clothes with only one glove, or making movies that glorify serial killers and portraying them as the "real victim." It's gonna be hot down there. Yeah, lucky for the both of them that the two of them combined don't weigh more than 2oo lbs. Skinnier is better when you're in hell, which is too bad for the jackass who will be down below the pedophile and the serial killer wannabe, 'cause he's a fatty ...
Jesse "Extortionist" Jackson and Hezbollah - Jesse is going to be deeper in the depths of hell because he dresses himself up as a preacher, calling himself "Reverend", and then he dedicates his life to shaking down corporations and spreading race-hatred. In the past 10 years or so he's decided that he can make even more illegal money by spreading his racketeering causes to include absolutely anyone who has no conscience or soul and is willing to make a deal with him and his buddy, the devil. He's also good friends with the terrorists of Hezbollah, who wrap children around themselves like Kevlar vests and then blame their enemies when the children get shot. As bad as molesting children is, using them as human shields for political purposes is even worse. In fact, the only thing worse than either of these dirtbags is ....
Katie Couric - an alleged reporter who spends all of her time pushing political causes rather than reporting objectively about anything. She's the bitch who once encouraged a jilted bride to castrate her almost-husband on live TV. I have no place in my heart for someone like that, no matter how cute she tries to be. She reminds me of a Pekinese yappy dog. She's just really, really annoying, which is even worse than just being a bitch. Only barely worse than Katie is the infamous ....
Lorena Bobbit - several months before her infamous sex crime, this prized pig from Ecuador bragged to her beautician friends and coworkers that if her husband John ever cheated on her she'd cut off his penis. Her highly educated and respectable hair-cutting friends encouraged her to do it, saying "that'd be SO COOL." She swore she would because, of course, everyone wants to be "so cool." Lorena openly admitted to having less-than-honorable reasons to the police in her statement "he came home, we did it, he got off and I didn't. He's selfish. So I pulled it back and I did it." Once she got a lawyer, though, the story quickly changed to "I'm the real victim." Even with her confession in one hand and lawyer-written-fairytale in the other, the DA decided to throw the case and let the bitch walk because he himself had no dick and thus expected to rise high in politics. When Lorena goes pee-pee in hell it will fall on the head of ...
Julia Roberts - because the bitch won't shut the fuck up about all her stupid 'causes'. I swear, Jerry Falwell preaches less than she does. And he's less annoying. Maybe it's because his voice isn't as shrill and ear-piercing? Or maybe it's because he warns people ahead of time that he's going to preach, giving us the opportunity to charge up the batteries in our iPods, whereas Julia lies and claims she's going to entertain us all with a movie, only to lure us into the theater for 2 long hours of bitch, bitch, bitch. And there we sit, having already paid our "offering" at the door before coming in, only to wish we could get our money back and perhaps poke out her brain with a sharp stick through the eye for good measure.
And there you have it. This is hell. Sure, this probably isn't EXACTLY how hell will look. It might not even be close. But hey, this is a blog and it's my blog at that. So leave me with my dreams. And be grateful that I included Billy Mays, 'cause that guy is REALLY annoying.
In fact, if I were to be totally honest, Billy Mays was my whole inspiration for this post. Everyone else was just thrown in for fun.
"I am Satan!"
You have read this article with the title Hell is for Pat Benatar. You can bookmark this page URL https://thebohemianbunny.blogspot.com/2006/09/hell-is-for-pat-benatar.html. Thanks!
