Oh, how I wish that I had.
Saturday I cleaned dishes. Then I went to Shelby Farms and ran the 3 mile loop through the woods on asphalt before stumbling over to the lake and running whatever the distance is around that. It's a mile and something, but you have to add a little for dodging duck poop and kids on rollerblades and bicycles. While climbing into my truck, all soaked with sweat and looking extraordinarily nasty, I noticed a group of college students all parked around me and all preparing to do something or other together at the park. I was struck by how good-looking the girls were. And then I was struck by how much younger they all are than me. At this point I wanted to run more, but my legs weren't going to let me, no matter how bad I look.
So, I drove home all stinky and took a shower. Then I did laundry. Finally, I got to sit down and watch Texas get beat by Ohio State.
Dammit.
On Sunday I couldn't figure out if the thunder was ever going to turn into a storm or not. I piddled around for awhile and finally decided to clean the master bath. This was a huge job, as it is primarily my bathroom and thus a huge disaster area that never gets cleaned.
Once that was done I decided to be a nice guy and wash and wax My Wife's car. The paint on her car is starting to look bad, especially on the roof. But it always looks awesome with a good wax job on it. It was about 4 o'clock in the afternoon at this point.
I washed it with all the right tools, even spraying it off with that slow-assed filter thing you pay a fortune for to prevent streaks and water spots. While I was waiting for it to dry I washed my truck.
It was humid as hell on Sunday and the car wouldn't completely dry. So I just started waxing the parts that were dry. Once that was done, I tried to towel off the still wet parts and wax them, too. The roof, of course, was one of the parts that wouldn't dry. I would remember this later.
While I was waxing, the phone rang. I could hear My Wife's voice on the machine telling me she was in Birmingham somewhere and getting gas. I ran inside to answer just as she said "OK, I guess you're not there. Bye" and hung up. I knocked the phone off the wall and the battery popped out. I ended up stepping on the battery as I quickly picked up the phone and yelled "Hello! Hello!" into it. That's when I noticed that the phone was awfully light. And there was something under my foot. I looked down. It was the battery. I looked in the phone. There were the wires that connect the battery to the phone, now ripped out of the battery. I looked down again and noticed that I had actually dented the now-useless battery. "Oh dammit!"
So, at some point I was going to be making a trip to the store for a new battery.
After waxing the hell out of the car I started trying to polish the wax off. It didn't want to come off. It was still damp. I took this as my opportunity to go buy a new battery for the kitchen phone. I cleaned off as best as I could and ran to the store. There were plenty of batteries, but none listed my phone. I had the information from my old battery with me. I just couldn't find an exact replacement. There was a chart showing battery connectors and instructing how you could match up your battery with that. But my connector was still in the phone. At home. Dammit.
So I went home. While I was home I went ahead and tried to polish off the wax. Some of it was shining up nicely, but the wax on the roof was not. It was streaking and staining. Part of it just left a big mark, as if I had puked on the roof. It did NOT look good. I rubbed and rubbed as hard as I could, but it didn't do a damn bit of good. I got out the electric polisher and tried that. No luck. It didn't look any different. Oh what a nightmare this was turning out to be! All I wanted to do was shine up her car so she'd be surprised when she got home and instead I had ruined it.
I decided that I couldn't have 2 disasters at once so I went inside, got the connector out of the kitchen phone, and drove back to the store to buy a new battery. I had the whole damned thing with me, battery, connector and phone. But they didn't have any that were an exact match. I took this as my cue to buy a new phone AND a possibly usable battery, even if it wasn't exactly the right one. Who knows? It might work. I also bought a buttload of different shop towels with all different uses, some for polishing and some for buffing and some for drying, etc. I was going to try them all until I found one that did SOMETHING with that wax on the roof of the car. As I was picking up all these items an employee came over the PA system and informed me that the store was closing in 5 minutes. It was nearly 9 o'clock.
$100 later I was home again with a new battery which did cause the old phone to work again (yay!), and a new phone which Consumer Reports had listed as being top-notch, and a million shop towels. I tried every towel on the roof of that car with no luck at all. Nothing was working.
And then, of course, as I was desperately working my ass off trying to shine up the car after what was now several hours of work, My Wife pulled up in the driveway.
Oh shit.
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