I was going to write a post that was just basically stolen from a friend. And by ‘stolen’ I mean that he wrote something similar and he is funnier than me. But then I realized that if I stole from every blogger who is funnier than me then I’d never get to write any of my own stuff, because let’s face it, most of you are pretty damned funny and I am a shameless hack.
That’s when I realized that I spend all of my time trying to please you all instead of just doing what I want, which is to be having sex with you. Well, except for you guys. And obviously since I have only actually met a very few of you in person, all of whom I already knew in person and who mostly still haven't had sex with me, the whole having sex idea just becomes impossible.
Unless I was willing to travel a lot. And you were willing and anxious enough for me to show up at your door to tell me your address. That’s important, too, because otherwise I’d just be like “OK, I know Leesa lives in Montana somewhere, but beyond that I guess I’m just gonna have to cruise around and hope I run into her by total accident.”
Yeah, that wouldn’t work very well. A lot of your states are pretty big, like Wisconsin for example. And Texas. And California. And Florida. And pretty much all of Canada. Yeah, you know where you live. But I don't. Not specifically.
Also, the whole having sex with you all is a problem because I am already married, as many of you already know. And my wife, bless her heart, is not into the “open marriage” thing that some of you might be experimenting with. And by “experimenting” I mean driving other women’s husbands crazy because you are so much hotter than regular mortal women. Yeah, because that one guy with the camera sure seemed to be hot and bothered for someone else’s woman and who could blame him? She’s a looker. And he’s clearly hooked on her like a stalker with his tongue frozen to a window pane in Canada. Binsk should understand this reference, I’m sure. Men probably follow her around like ducks after a kid with a bag of bread. She’s beautiful and single and it’s cold up there when you hang out in her bushes all night long without any pants on.
I’m just assuming a good stalker goes around without any pants on. I could be wrong about that. Someone help me out here.
So anyway, I had a point I was going to make and that is that it would sure help me out if you guys would be less funny and just come here every day to leave your best jokes in my comments instead of on your own pages. That would make me feel much better about myself and also make other people who happen by think that I am much, much funnier than I really am.
I think I need to poop now.
(This post gives a whole new meaning to "Fuck You Friday", doesn't it? I hadn't thought of that until just now.)
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