Fuck You Friday
It's another Fuck You Friday.
There's more fabulous headlines all the time.
Pour yourself a drink.
How could they possibly be this effective as a minority when they were so totally ineffective as a majority? Something isn't right here.
S.F. mayor seeks alcohol counseling
Shockingly, the mayor of San Francisco has been exposed for having an affair with the wife of a veteran aide. His response is to declare that it isn’t his fault. He’s a drunk and not responsible for anything he says or does. So he’s checking into rehab, much like Dr. House did when facing charges from the mean cop who was out to get him for his addiction to pain killers. Apparently Mayor Gavin watches TV while getting high and running the city. Anyone surprised?
Mo. suspect charged with molesting boys
If the evidence points to his guilt I say we send him to the Paula Poundstone Child Molester clinic and kill him there.
Texas Gov. urged against cancer order
The governor of Texas, in the spirit of the pro-choice-except-when-we-don’t-like-your-choice crowd, is trying to require all girls to be vaccinated with the brand new and relatively unknown cervical cancer vaccine. I’m all for the research into a cure or a vaccine to prevent this deadly cancer, but to require it seems more than slightly over the top. Anyone with an autistic child who suspects the overuse and abuse of endless vaccinations might know where I’m coming from here. Hey, if I’m the daddy then I can consult my child’s doctor and we’ll decide, thank you very much, Mr. Governor.
Astronaut sets women's spacewalk record
I’m sure this was the biggest thing on her mind as she was out there. I just love this patronizing trivia from the Library of First Woman/Black/Gay To fill-in-the-blank. Speaking of this, isn’t the woman who tried to kidnap her rival for the Space Shuttle pilot the First Female Astronaut To Kidnap a Woman Over a Man? Why isn’t this major milestone in a big shining headline?
Democrat Edwards offers universal health care plan
What a shocker! Every single Democratic candidate for U.S. President is campaigning on a platform promising “Free drugs for everyone, dudes!”
Battle looms over right to unionize
One side calls it the battle over the right to unionize. The other side calls it the battle over the right not to be terrorized day and night by union brown shirts who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Puh-tay-toe Puh-tah-toe.
Human skin populated by veritable zoo of bacteria
No shit. Didn’t we learn this in 9th grade biology? How did I already know this? I must be a genius!
Sydney university stem cell ban sparks academic row
Funny thing is, despite all the wadded up panties, there isn’t a stem cell ban. But you have to read 3 paragraphs down before you find out that what it’s really about is embryonic stem cells, not general stem cell research at all. And despite all the bitching about ‘academic freedom’ anyone who bothers to read where this whole situation came from would understand completely. In order to get the land to build the facility they bought it from a Catholic school. Not surprisingly, the Catholic school made it a part of the deal that all of the stem cell research that will be done in the facility will not involve embryonic stem cells. Who would be surprised at this? And what kind of idiot or liar would call this a stem cell ban? That’s like saying a ban on blitzing in football is a football ban.
Scientists explore possible new way to fight AIDS
They’re going to try getting it drunk and tricking it into going home with an inflatable sex doll.
Giuliani closer to White House bid
I'm sure Michael Milken is thrilled to hear it. The rest of us are potentially less enthused.
Depression, loneliness tied to physical ills
This explains why I have all these chest pains and don’t know where I am half the time.
Teens, adults unaware smoking raises blindness risk
OK, I’ll admit it. You got me there. I had no clue. How does it do that? Are people stubbing out their cigarettes in their eye sockets?
Parents turn to clinics for genital mutilation: U.N.
Parents are having their boys circumcised in clinics and the U.N. is acknowledging it? Oh no, of course not. It’s girls. Slash up the boys’ genitals all you want. The U.N.’s enormous feminist political machine doesn’t care about that. They celebrate every time a boy screams.
Kids' suicides rise, CDC report finds
This little tidbit coming out shortly after headlines proudly proclaiming that single mother households now outnumber intact family households. Who saw this coming?
Ark. may drop schoolchildren weigh-ins
For some reason the thought of our schools weighing our children and sending them home with warnings that they’re too fat makes me think of the Nazi’s attempts to create a nation of perfect people. Seriously, I don’t know why.
Dad accused of using stun gun on baby
What was it, 2 weeks ago that I said ‘stun guns are bad for children’ and declared myself a pediatrician? I’m sending this prick a bill.
Two-faced calf loses struggle to live
That’s a shame. He could’ve had a promising career as a judge or a member of Congress.
Philadelphia could get rubber sidewalks
Imagine playing hopscotch on one of these!
Newborn left on Canadian doorstep survives cold
This kid was born to play hockey!
MIT prof begins hunger strike over tenure
He says he was denied tenure at MIT because he’s black. MIT says he wasn’t denied tenure for being black. He was denied tenure for stating his views opposing embryonic stem cell research. Yeah, like that makes it OK.
Court says Wal-Mart must face bias trial
It’s the crazies of the 9th Circus Court of Extremes that want to squeeze more money out of American shoppers to fund the Feminist Cow Political Milking Machine.
Astronaut to face attempted murder count
Diaper wearing, pepper spraying, trench coat bitch is crazy as hell, but she ain’t no attempted murderer. That’s just crap.
Astronaut suffered 'mental anguish'
No, no, not mental anguish. Mental breakdown. The correct term is breakdown. She’s snapped. Now it seems to me that if you could let an abusive psycho like Lorena Bobbit go then you can easily do the same in this case. She did virtually nothing. Just drop it. The woman has snapped like a Saltine cracker. Get a doctor and some peanut butter and let’s try to put her back together.
Two hurt as second letter bomb explodes in Britain
Honey, it’s for you. It’s from the religion of peace. BOOM!
Dinosaur eggs reportedly found in India
They were in a really large Styrofoam container and labeled “Extra Extra Extra Large Grade A”.
China to research global warming
Fox to research chickens. OJ looking for real killers. Feminists to set guidelines for marriage and family. Bill Clinton to research adultery. Big Tobacco to research lung cancer. Supreme Court to research bribery. United Nations to research corruption. Ted Kennedy to research alcoholism.
Stem cells from fat tissue transplanted into heart
What? No embryonic stem cells? How can that be? I thought they were the answer to everything.
World's churches go green and rally to cause
I was sort of under the impression that churches already had a cause and were supposed to stay focused on it. Do you suppose God has lost interest in changing hearts and saving souls and is now more interested in gases, or is it just the false leaders that are ever drawn to the spotlight, no matter what god or cause they have to praise and worship in order to draw an approving crowd?
Illegal logging hits Asian forests, orangutans: U.N
The U.N. is using orangutans to illegally strip forests throughout Asia? Holy cow!
Powerful Pa. senator indicted
You have to read down 7 paragraphs before they bother to mention, oh so casually, which political party he’s with. If he were a Republican it would have been in the headline.
Texas police arrest suspect in male rape
I’m not sure why they called this “male rape” but I guess the ladies of the press don’t want to be un-PC and call it homosexual rape. Heaven forbid the press acknowledge that anyone gay might not be the most wonderful person in the world. Actually a large percentage of sexual serial killers are gay male pedophiles that prey on young boys. I guess the press should start calling this male rape killings? Or how about male-American rape-killings? Let’s throw some hyphens in there just for the hell of it. And somehow the feminists will see all of this as yet another form of oppression of women and begin demanding that all rapes of women be called female rape. But then they’ll change their minds, as women often do, and declare that ALL rape is violence against women, and require the government to deny that rape of males even exists.
Nashville adopts `English First' policy
Why isn’t this the case throughout the entire United States? How did we get so pathetic as to be unwilling to openly state what language we speak in this country? Where have all the cowboys gone?
New exhibit details human origins
It’s a lovely story about a boy and a girl, completely made up and non-verifiable because the monkeys aren’t talking, and soon to be modified to the more politically correct story of a girl and a girl.
Prehistoric Romeo and Juliet discovered
And now a true story about a boy and a girl in love that our nation's cultural leaders will be totally unable to comprehend.
Debate storms on possible warming-hurricane link
‘It’s all Bush’s fault,’ the dancing scientists shout as they beat on their drums and wave their spears in time with the rhythms. ‘Death to the infidels!’ Soon they’ll be throwing rocks at all unbelievers.
Harvard in biggest curriculum overhaul in 30 years
Gone are all white males who aren’t homosexuals or communists. Gone is the history of the United States of America. Gone is everything that ever made Harvard a decent school in the first place, replaced with the shrill screaming dogma of feminist Marxism and religious faith in their “gender lens” interpretation of life on earth.
Horse teeth give details of ancient big chill
Apparently they had global warming in ancient times, too. But instead of blaming it on man and cars they blamed it on horse farts.
Rice believes Chavez is "destroying" Venezuela
So does everyone else, especially the Venezuelans who have fled to the U.S. But to the New York Times he’s a visionary, like Che Guevara or Chairman Mao.
Ulcer bacteria has followed man for 60,000 years
Yeah, but now I got me a restraining order, bitch! TAKE THAT!!!!
Study: Moral beliefs may sway docs' care
You needed a study to figure this out? Maybe you could just look at history? The Nazis hated Christians and Jews and believed there was nothing wrong with doctors carving up living people without anesthetic just to see what happened. Their own records indicated their intention of finishing off the Jews and then killing the Christians. The feminists believe in only allowing health care for and research on females, even when it could just as easily be done on both sexes. Their own writings indicate they want all males eliminated and replaced with cloning. And Christians believe in helping everyone, including people that no one else will help, but they tend to frown on killing babies except in extreme circumstances. There’s your study. Where’s my grant money? And who didn’t know all this already?
Man accused of being nude on ski lift
Dude, your nuts will freeze to the seat of that thing and then what are you gonna do?
Officer's court-martial ends in mistrial
Of course it did. Because he spewed hatred of Bush and refused to do his sworn duty. But as for all the patriotic soldiers who refused to take off the American flag and put on the United Nations blue uniforms under President Clinton, they’re all still in prison.
Alito: Future court will have more women
Of course it will. All the appointments are politically motivated and the law schools are openly discriminating against white male applicants. How could it not? One day it will probably be nothing but women. And the interpretation of each and every Constitutional law will change from one week to the next. Isn’t that right, Mrs. O’Connor?
For women, nothing's like the smell of men's sweat
Thank you. I do what I can. By all means, come closer and take a big whiff.
Warrant Issued For Tamara Mitchell Ford
That wacky Tamara, always a barrel of laughs! In fact, the entire Ford family is a hoot!
Anna Nicole Smith Dies
Is this for real?! Seriously?! Holy shit! Apparently she really, really didn't want to turn 40.
Speaker of the House says plane flap is about 'security'
Princess Pelosi is on the warpath and having a royal shit-fit. She is demanding that she be given a plane comparable to Air Force One for her personal use as Speaker of the House. Apparently she has big aspirations. Or maybe just a big ass.
Supporters push Gore to run in 2008
Sure, why not? Let’s throw everyone into the mix and see what happens. Maybe there’ll be a big knock-down brawl and we’ll get to watch it on TV.
Memphis man killed in domestic violence shooting
In the ever-PC city of Memphis, where murder is a daily event, the dead man is blamed and the rest of the article is just a long sermon filled with standard lies and propaganda. The article is briefly about how even though this man was gunned down it is the woman we should pity. To hell with what actually happened. They don't even bother with the facts, so impatient are they to spew false statistics and discredited bullshit. The truth is irrelevant to the true believers and a dead man is a convienent and silent devil.
Mom arrested in New Orleans shooting
Wow, this mom gave her son a gun after he got beat up and told him to go shoot the other boy. I’m just guessing here, but I’ll bet she isn’t what you'd call a high class woman.
Gunmen kill 3 illegal immigrants in Ariz
Can you say “sick of the law not being enforced?” How much you want to bet that the surviving illegals will sue and get millions of dollars while our government kisses their asses and crawls for them? Meanwhile, the gunmen will be crucified as publicly as possible. Unless they, too, are illegal aliens, in which case they'll get a driver's license and social security check and run off to vote in our next election.
Court ends dad's rights because of mom
The state supreme court ruled that because Mom is such a fuck-up, Dad can’t raise his own son unless he throws her out. The State Supremes have chosen instead to ship the boy off to foster parents and collect the federal money that is associated with that. Ka-ching!
Gay Lutheran pastor removed over partner
Isn’t that consistent with the Bible? Wasn’t Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Baker booted over adultery? Listen, either you believe or you don’t, but your pastor damned well better or else you’re all just playing party games and dressing up for nothing. Although, to be fair, some people actually enjoy doing that. And some people just use church as a place to make business connections. But I digress …
Astronaut sets U.S. spacewalking record
Sooo, is he the first Latino-male astronaut to set a spacewalking record or is the Library of Bullshit Trivial Firsts not keeping up with this one because he’s not a woman or black?
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