Anal Rape ala SUV
My whole body doesn't feel right these past few days. And as I write this I have a strange pain in my chest. I'm supposed to go to the gym and do squats today, so if I'm having a heart attack and it doesn't kill me before doing squats, then the squats will finish me off for sure. So, this may be my final post should I happen to die today. Just thought you should know in case I should drop off the face of the Earth, like Steph the Attention Whore or Avery the Aussie.
I have a new stress at work, I mean, a new project, and it's a big one, so my thoughts are primarily on that. Also, nothing else exciting is happening in my so-called life at the present time, so I'm just flipping through the news and commenting on what I think I see and my knee-jerk reaction. I probably won't bother to read the actual story and learn any details, so if you think I'm an idiot who clearly misunderstands what the story is actually about, then fuck you because you're probably right.
Apparently the U.S. and the Russians have agreed to "tone down the rethoric." What?! What does that even mean? Are we doing to start calling each other "poophead" instead of "imperialist" and "commie pinko faggot" from now on? Tone down the rethoric? That just means we've got our nuclear missile assembly line rolling and so do they, so we see no need for further argument. I could be wrong about this, of course, so don't go having a coronary just because Memphis Steve said we're about to nuke each other. Keep in mind that I haven't had my coffee yet and I nearly fell asleep on the toilet while pooping this morning. It's true. I nearly laid out in the floor unconscious because I'm so tired.
RAAAAAH!
They're pushing gay marriage again in Connecticut. I spent a year in Connecticut one week and let me tell you, the only state that is almost as gay as Massachusetts is Connecticut. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Memphis, San Francisco and New York City have the largest homosexual populations in the world." Yes, that's true, but I'm talking about the whole state. Connecticut is like a giant summer camp for lesbians, some relatively nice and some pure sexist evil. Let me just tell you, don't ever stare at a lesbian's Harley in Connecticut. They get all pissed off about it. Actually, they get all pissed off about any man being anywhere near them for any reason, but especially if they catch you staring at their motorcycle. But that's another story. So anyway, the only men there are navy men stationed at "rotten" Groton, and they aren't too happy about it, either. It's considered one of the worst places for a young single male to be stationed, and is a large part of the reason my foolish brother-in-law ended up married to a bleached-blonde trailer park girl from South Georgia after meeting her once and then talking to her on the phone for maybe a month or two. And boy is he sorry now.
Little Bunny FooFoo hopping off to jail
I heard on the news this morning that Paris Hilton is truly and genuinely stressed about going to jail. They said she's taking a self-defense class to help her fight off the bulldykes who might want to stick things inside her. I thought Paris liked having total strangers stick things inside her. Isn't there some video out there of Paris having random people stick things inside her? I haven't bothered to watch it, but I hear it's on the net somewhere. Anyway, I think she's going to have to worry about getting past the black girls first, and the bulldykes after that. I only know what I've seen and heard of the female inmates in Memphis, but based on that, I'm thinking someone named Shanekqua is sharpening her fingernails right this minute in anticipation of Paris arriving in her cell block. I'll bet Paris finds herself RUNNING to the bulldykes, begging for protection in exchange for sticking whatever they can find inside her if that's what turns them on. Anyway, that's only going to happen if she actually goes to jail, which may not happen, and if they actually put her in with the general population of prisoners, which also may not happen. We'll just have to wait and see. I wonder if Fox has secured the rights to film this and make it Paris' next reality TV show?
I just kicked Paris' ass
They're saying that Miami has won the "rude driver" contest for the United States. I know many of you will probably want a recount, especially those of you in Dade-County who are too dumb to realize that this means you won, idiots. But as for me, I don't see a problem with these results. I don't believe that Memphis has the most "rude drivers". No, not at all. Memphis has the most idiotic drivers. We have the nation's biggest, most narcissistic, pinheaded, retarded, cell-phone-talking morons. I think the only city I might expect to give us a battle in this category is perhaps Los Angeles, but seeing as none of their drivers are in this country legally, I believe Memphis will win by technicality.
Apparently it has been decided that the French are the world's biggest whiners. That's "whingers" for those of you in the UK and Australia, because you people can't spell. But we love your women and so we forgive you. Anyway, getting back to the story, I'll accept that the French are the worlds biggest whiners/whingers/babies, but I'm pretty sure that America is coming up hard at number 2. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.
France wins again!
Did you hear the news about Australia? They say they have an overpopulation of kangaroos and so they need to mow down about 3,000 of them with machine guns and Land Rovers. I am a grown man and thus realize that there may be a very legitimate need for this, but it sure does cut against the grain of the world's soft and fluffy image of Australia, doesn't it? Can you imagine the tourists' faces as they stand there with their kids, "Look Jimmy, a field filled with kangaroos!" "YAY!" And then out come the machine guns - down go the kangroos, in a scene straight out of a Vietnam flashback. "NOOOOOO!" Little Jimmy will be scarred for life. PETA will no doubt race down there to stand amongst the kangaroos in the nude. And while they're doing this, crowding in amongst the kangaroo herds, the kangaroos are going to kick the living shit out of them, because contrary to what some people think, wild animals have a tendency to be mean when confronted with naked morons who stand too close, even when those naked morons are PETA morons trying to save the animals from machine guns and Land Rovers.
Thank God I'm a wallaby and not a kangaroo
Scientists have discovered what they label "ancestors of humans" which were apparently not very smart. This is somehow news, the belief that humans may have had some really stupid ancestors. I don't think this is news. I think they've just dug up a Memphis graveyard by mistake.
In Lithuania, there seems to be a conflict between the morals of the people who actually live there and the religious and political agenda of wealthy Europeans who think that joining the European Union means that Europe has effectively purchased your country and can shove whatever they want to down your throat. The bus drivers are refusing to drive their buses because the buses have been plastered with European Union government ads promoting homosexuality. I think it's interesting to see that even as Americans lay down and surrender, people in smaller, weaker countries are standing up and saying "no."
A genius in New York landed himself in the hospital after getting shot. It was his own fault, it turns out, as he was placing bullets in a vice and whacking them with a hammer, Bugs Bunny style. He said he was "emptying" the casings so he could sell the brass for scrap. The bullets intact were actually worth more money than the empty brass casings. A local scrap yard said they would only pay about $1.70 per pound for them and he only had a few pounds. So basically this rocket scientist wasted 100 rounds of ammunition and shot himself for about $5. I'm sure that will just about cover his medical bills, though, don't you think?
This last story is for Kami, Mrs. Dallas K. A Dallas Texas man was just caught after stealing a tractor trailer containing $250,000 worth of Skittles. He said he just wanted the wheels and tires off the truck, but seven of the twenty eight pallets of Skittles the truck contained are missing. The person who has them is still at large. Somewhere in Texas there is a thief having one hell of a sugar high.
Golden Globes
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skittles
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