JohnnyBoy asks - Who played "Lumpy" on "Leave it to Beaver"?
I did. Don't you remember the episode where Lumpy takes a toilet and sits on it beside the road?
The Kept Woman asks - first thing that attracts you to the opposite sex. And we ALL know we ALL still look...unless you're dead.
The first thing that attracted me to you? I mean, to the opposite sex? The VERY first thing? Probably if she's smiling at me. Smiling is a big help. But big tits help, too. Or a great ass. Or both. But the smile is important 'cause I'm weak and pathetic and I need encouragement.
The Incurable Savant asks - Tell us about your first sexual experience.
My first sexual experience was probably in the 9th grade when future Miss Alabama, Heather Howard, leaned over to me in biology class and whispered in my ear, "I'm gonna grab your balls." And I giggled and turned red. And then she did it and I nearly shit myself.
Cheyenne asks - How did that porcelain throne come to be sitting alongside the road that you are sitting on naked. And did you actually use it?
I have no idea how that porcelain throne came to be sitting there. I suspect it was dumped by trashy people when the trash men didn't pick it up. I didn't get the chance to use it, but I would if you paid me.
GreekChickie asks - If you could live in any one place in the world, where would that place be?
In order for me to get to live anywhere in the world I wanted to live I'd have to be independently wealthy. So assuming I was independently wealthy I'd probably move to Australia and hang out on the beach all day.
Princess asks - If you were a super hero, what would your power be, and why? What would be your colours you`d wear?
If I were a superhero I'd have the power to make women's clothes fall off. My superhero name would be "Tequila" and I'd wear a big green bottle.
Kami asks - If you and the Wife could have a free vacation anywhere, where would you go?
I would go to your house, because you're a Texas cutie. And then I would smooze you into taking us to Irving for a Cowboy's football game.
Patti_Cake asks - If you could meet five (only five) of your blog friends that you have never met before IRL who would they be and why?
The first blog friend that I've never met in person and want to is Stacy the Peanut Queen. She's my original cutie and she seems like so much fun.
Second, I'd like to meet The Kept Woman because I don't know what her actual name is and it is bugging me, so I need to snatch her purse and check her driver's license so I can find out who the heck she is. And also she's a hottie.
Third, I'd like to meet Leesa in Montana 'cause she's a hottie.
Fourth I'd like to meet Binsk in Canada 'cause she's a hottie.
Fifth I'd like to meet Avery from Australia because she's super nice. And also she's a hottie. Or JD in Australia. Or Steph the Attention Whore who left us for MySpace. Or Needra. Or Mrs. J. Or Gator Robin. Or Laura in Maryland. Or Magpie in the UK. Or ...
Norman asks - How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
It depends on the woodchuck as to how much wood he'd chop. What did he need the wood for and how short of a deadline was he on? That sort of thing. Could he use tools? What about powertools?
Silent One asks - What does MILF mean? Explain everything you know about it.... thank you
A "MILF" is a Monkey In a Life raFt. It relates to the space program back in the '50s and '60s when they sent monkeys up in space before men and the government used the acronym MILF to describe them. No, I'm just pulling your chain. Seriously, a MILF is a "Mom I'd Like to Fuck." It's a term used to describe a hot woman who is also a mom. I believe you qualify. Did someone call you that? Shall I?
Avery's Mom bombarded me with - what's your favorite topping for ice cream?
I like chocolate on my ice cream. And in it.
Avery's Mom bombarded me again with - whats your favorite type of icecream?
My favorite type is Rocky Road.
Avery's Mom bombarded me once more with - if you had to eat one thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the rest of your life, what would it be?
If I had to eat one thing for all my meals from now on it'd probably be Carmen Electra.
Avery's Mom came back with - If you did have children, what names would you give them if you had a daughter and a son? (and I'm asking for first and middle names)
My first daughter will be named Propecia Viagisil Jones.
My first son will be named Viagra Minoxidil Jones.
I think those are great names. Lots of people here in Memphis apparently agree because since I first came up with this there have actually been some chillin's named variations of these.
Avery's Mom, never tiring, came back with - the guy on the toilet....where does he keep his toilet paper?,
I don't think he has any. Maybe he's just going number 1? Or maybe that's where his shirt went? Ew!
Siren asks - Why the hell are you still in Memphis?
Because my interview with a Rocket City company isn't until tomorrow morning and even then they have to make me an offer worth moving for. Meanwhile, Memphis has me 2 mediocre offers and is holding tightly to me. Nashville turned me down, those bitches.
Stacy the Peanut Queen asks - If you could go back and do ONE THING differently in your life (that would've changed the outcome of where you are right at this moment), what would it be?
If I could go back then I'd know ahead of time that my dad was planning to manipulate me into going to the Rocket City University instead of sending me off like he'd promised, so I'd avoid that and go off to college on a loan or scholarship. I would never move to Memphis and I would not be Memphis Steve. I would be Rich Bastard Steve, because I'd invest a buttload in Oracle and Microsoft, then pull it out to put into Netscape when it IPO'd. Then I'd pull it out at 185 and save the money for various other stocks that I recall flying like a kite for awhile. I'd be rich and spend all my time on the beach in Australia or Miami.
Silent One returned to ask - Do you wear... Boxers, Boxer briefs, or tighty whiteys ?
I'm not sure what a boxer brief is, but I wear tighty whiteys in the day and boxers at night. Gotta let the boys swing a little every now and then.
JY Biscuit machine gunned me with - bikinis, thongs, or g-string? black, cream, or sugar? pepperoni or sausage? mexican or chinese? top or bottom? I was thinking of doing this too, but I was afraid that no one would want to know a damn thing about me.
I love a beautiful woman in her underwear, no matter if it is a bikini, thong or g-string, but the less there is of it the better.
Black coffee
Pepperoni pizza
Mexican food 'cause I never see any Chinese people eating at the Chinese restaurants
Top or bottom, I'll take it however I can get it, although if you do that grinding motion while I'm on the bottom that's awesome.
I suspect if you did this, too, you'd get a lot of questions, many of which might make you blush. And those would be from me.
The Mrs asks - Have you ever been caught "yankin your chain"?
No, I never have. I'm paranoid and neurotic. I check the lock on the door 1000 times just to poop.
The Mrs follows up with - If so, how would you describe that experience? (in regards to above question)
That would probably suck. Unless it was a hot girl and she was into it and wanted to help.
JY piled on the chain yankin' question
But the answer is still the same. If you want to catch me you have to help yank.
Princess asks - whos do u like the best?
I don't know. I haven't seen everyone's yet. Kami only does Tits Tuesday every now and then and only some of you do Half Nekkid Thursdays so I've only seen a few. But from those I've seen I'd have to say Binsk, Heather S, JY, and TKW are mighty impressive from what I remember, as are many, many others. Oh hell, how about everyone just send me a photo of theirs and we'll make this official?
The Kept Woman returned to ask - did we scare you away with all these questions? We need answers, dammit.
No, you didn't scare me away. I've just been swamped with phone calls and interviews. I've got your answers for you, Sweetie.
LizzieDaisy flashed us... Why do you keep sending naked pictures of yourself to me? :) Kidding... How about, what is it about your wife that made you fall in love with her, and when did you know you wanted to marry her? Cause I am mushy.
Because I keep hoping you'll reciprocate, cutie!
I took a long time to realize I was in love with the woman I married. We met after my fiancee had dumped me for a dork named Ryan so I was in the dumps and not looking. We were just running partners 'cause she had no car and was new in town. My friends harassed me long before we ever dated that I was going to rob the cradle with her, 'cause she was so young. I swore I had no intention of dating her. Meanwhile, people were harassing her about me and she swore she wasn't going to date me either. She says she knew she loved me when I farted in front of her and just laughed. Women are so weird. As for me, I don't know the exact moment when I knew I was in love. I just slowly was. I suspect I wanted to marry her when I knew I was in love with her, but we still had to wait for a few years after that. I went to Memphis and was alone here for at least 2 years before we finally got married. Then I brought her up here and she's never forgiven me. :)
The Queen showed up late to ask - I wanted to know what your interpretation of "The Force" is? Or the meaning of life?
The Force is something George Lucas made up while experimenting with drugs back in college. It was the result of an LSD trip. That's why there are so many goofy looking characters in all the Star Wars movies. Yeah, I'm just making this up.
The meaning of life is a movie by Monte Python. The real meaning of life is beyond me. I suppose God wants to see how we do and what we do and why. Maybe He just wants to see who is a decent, strong human being and who is a lying, cheating, stealing, pathetic scumbag so that when some of us are thrown into Hell the rest can say, "yeah, that dude deserved to burn"? Or then again, maybe he's just messing around and letting us play on our individual wheels like hamsters in cages? I don't know how deep I can be on a blog. I'm not keen on the hamster theory, but who knows?
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