I know that none of the beautiful women I'm in love with on the internet are ever going to marry me.
I know I'm already married and I'm glad of it (no offense, but some of you are crazier than I am.)
I know that people often think if they can just run away with someone else, someone they really don't know as well as they think they do, all their problems will be solved. Especially if she has big tits.
I know that your problems have a way of following you wherever you go. You can't leave most of them behind. They go with you because they are inside of you. And also there's that whole credit report thing.
I know that things in this world have been bad before and they will be bad again and even though it seems as if things are really bad today things will eventually get better because God gave us tequila and sex to help us out.
I know that most of the things we worry about never come to pass. It's just that I have this way of seeing things way down the road. And I have an amazing track record of seeing my worries come true, especially when it is worries relating to things about which I have absolutely no power or control. If I could just close my eyes and sleep for awhile ... or maybe just improve my aim.
I know that most women don't hate men. But my mom does and always has.
I know that most men love their sons. My family is just weird. If you look up 'weird' in the dictionary there will be a picture of me and my family. So, if you were ever curious as to what I look like ...
I know that hard times breed stronger people. It's just that everyone in this country is so much richer than they realize. I swear we're becoming an entire nation of Paris Hiltons. Even most of our men are bitches now.
I know that Australia is not the answer and moving there wouldn't solve anything. But damn, they have some nice beaches and beautiful women and I don't think I've ever met anyone from there who didn't have the greatest outlook on life. I think I'm just sick of Americans. I want to live with people who aren't always fighting each other for power and control. I want to live where no one says "African-American" or "women and men" or "do you know why I pulled you over" and doesn't spend every waking moment pushing some damn political issue.
I know that Disney is run entirely by militant fags and I don't mean English cigarettes. I know that they own ABC and ESPN and I should just delete those channels from my TV to save myself a lot of aggravation. But you can only run so far and hide for so long before they creep up on you and surround you. Anyway, Fox looks like it may be trying to build it's own sports network so that could really help a lot. I say we put Jimmy Kimmel in charge of Monday Night Football and replace the other guys with Juggies.
I know the French have never made a decent car and I don't know why, but I don't really care because I don't intend to ever buy one. It's not that I dislike the French, despite that whole "freedom fries" thing that was so popular a short time ago. I just dislike their cars. And their music. But Bridgette Bardot was hot. You gotta love Bridgette Bardot. I mean, not now, but back when she was hot instead of just crazy and old.
I know that for every bad man who abuses women there is an equally bad woman who abuses men and gets a movie deal starring Charlize Theron out of it. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who gets that. Political inertia is a powerful thing. It's amazing to watch as it sweeps away the truth like a giant tidal wave crushing people and tossing them around as if they were twigs. Tidal waves are scary, but maybe one day if I learn to surf I can move to Australia and be famous and have bikini babes following me around. Yeah, forget what I said earlier about not outrunning unhappiness. Australia is the place for me!
I know that I stink like ass when I sweat and dry and then sweat again. But sometimes I don't have any choice. It was really hot inside those PacMan costumes and we were running all over the place like lunatics.
I know that Memphis is the ass of Tennessee. I have lived here long enough to have confirmed this quite satisfactorily. There is no doubt that it is true. But it appears that we will never be able to move to Nashville. That door keeps on shutting and we're tired of knocking on it. I think Faith Hill is afraid that I'll end up as her neighbor and so she's blocking me. I have a huge crush on her. She has a huge restraining order on me.
I know that people in large trucks and minivans and SUVs should not drive in the rain while talking on their cell phone and looking at themselves in their rearview mirror, but good Lord there are an awful lot of people who do it anyway. If you're driving along in the rain and you hear me shout "hang up, bitch" it's nothing personal. I'm just trying not to get killed by you. And if you're a man I'm still going to call you "bitch" because you look so girlie with that tiny little cellphone. Men's cellphones should be big and manly, like those old bag phones. I had one of those once and it was very macho.
I know that you can't rely on any politician. But you'd think that someone so totally fixated on getting reelected would at least do what the people who voted for them tell them to instead of doing exactly the opposite and then bitching and whining when their ass gets voted out after only one term.
I know that no one in Memphis knows how to make a left-hand turn. But I'm still going to glare at them as they cut across my lane and honk at me as if it's my fault that they're driving on the wrong side of the road. Learn to turn or buy more insurance 'cause my bumper doubles as a paint-scraper, bitch.
I know that when I write about my poops I get more comments than any other time and I think you are all freaks because of that. But I did appreciate all the comments I got when I posted photos of my bare ass for HNT. Those were the days!
