1. I am a honkey. White as the driven snow. Well, not entirely.
2. I am a Cherokee Indian. One day I will scalp you all and take back my land.
3. I am sick as a dog as I write this. I have no idea where that phrase "sick as a dog" came from, but it works for me. I'm sick. If I were a dog I'd still be sick.
4. I have brown hair, but there is more and more gray sneaking in every time I look. It's been doing this since I was in college.
5. I went to college straight after high school.
6. My dad wanted to make me skip my senior year of high school and go straight to college because some guy he worked with had a daughter who did that.
7. Any time something got totally fucked up in my life it was because my parents decided to "take control" and make sure things went the right way.
8. I have some God-awful crooked toes.
9. My mom used to refuse to buy me new shoes even though I had outgrown the old ones because they were expensive. I wonder how much it's going to cost me to fix these toes?
10. My mom is an identical twin.
11. When I email my mom's twin sister's daughter, we talk about how alike our moms are. It's as if we are only talking about one person, even though for the past 30 years my mom has lived in Alabama and her twin sister has lived in Burk Burnett, Texas. They are still exactly the same in every single way.
12. When my mom and her twin sister are together we have a hell of a hard time telling them apart. You'd think that at some point diet and environment would make a difference, but apparently it really doesn't.
13. I have no kids.
14. We fight about that a lot.
15. I have a 1970 Chevelle SS454.
16. It sits in my garage and never gets driven anywhere.
17. I have always been like that.
18. In college I had to go behind my dad's back to buy a car that I actually wanted. It was a 1978 Pontiac Trans Am, solid black. I put a hotrodded 400 in it, but I couldn't bring it home or my dad would find out and destroy it. So I had to park it in ministorage.
19. I never got to drive it.
20. When I got out of college I got a job offer in Memphis and moved.
21. Everyone in Memphis told me my Trans Am would get stolen if I brought it up from Alabama.
22. I sold it with enough parts to build a second one for almost nothing.
23. My wife told me that if she had known that I had a black Trans Am when she met me she would never have dated me.
24. She calls them "hot head cars" and says that only assholes drive them.
25. My previous fiancee and her sisters all thought I was crazy when they found out I had the Trans Am and never drove it.
26. I tried to explain the situation, but all they could see was a cool macho car that I was just wasting.
27. I am a sociopath-magnet. Those fuckers are drawn to me like Michael Jackson to a cub scout meeting.
28. My house is so overfilled with books and magazines and furniture and crap that I can barely move in here.
29. That is what happens when several family members die in a short span of time and you and your spouse are forced to go clean out their homes.
30. I am still getting calls wanting me to come back to Alabama and take more of my dad's tools and books and stuff, even though I keep telling them that I have absolutely no where to put it.
31. My mom keeps suggesting that I load it into all my cars and just keep it there.
32. Last time she suggested this I just stared at her and wondered if we may have come from different planets.
33. Last time I was down there I ended up putting a huge load of my dad's stuff into the back of his old car, which I have somehow inherited. It was so heavy that it squashed the car's rear end down onto the axles.
34. It's been 2 weeks or so and the car is still sitting in the driveway all squatted down and filled with that junk because there is absolutely nowhere in the house or garage to put any of it.
35. I guess my mom won.
36. They just called me and asked when I am coming back down to get more stuff.
37. If I ever won a huge lottery I would take the money and disappear where no one could find me. You would never see me again.
38. I had hoped that because I am sick and my head is spinning like Madonna on a stripper pole that I might write more interesting things. Apparently I am less interesting than I thought.
39. My father is the first person in my family to have died.
40. We all thought for sure my youngest sister would be dead by now.
41. Her husband of 10 years or more still doesn't know a damned thing about who she really is. She is really good at deceiving people, but damn, he is dumber than a box of rocks.
42. Her best friend and party partner from high school was my workout partner's older sister.
43. She died at 40 from partying way too hard and for way too long.
44. My sister now claims she was nothing like that girl, as if none of us were there or somehow can't remember the past.
45. My sister nearly died when she was 18. It was THIS close. She was in the hospital for a long time.
46. Today, if you ask my mom, or my oldest sister, or my youngest sister about why my youngest sister almost died they will tell you a load of shit.
47. Asking my mom or my oldest or youngest sister about anything from the past is like asking the Magic 8 Ball about the future. There is no telling what it will say.
48. My father was a mean son-of-a-bitch throughout most of my life.
49. He didn't mellow out and become a nicer person until the last years of his life.
50. No one knows for sure what my brother does for a living or much else about his life.
51. My mom abused the living shit out of my older brother and still hates him to this day.
52. If she hadn't focused so much of her hatred of males onto him I would have caught a lot more shit from her than I did and probably would be a drastically different person for it.
53. Last time my brother and his wife visited my mom and dad, before Dad died, my mom tried to convince his wife to divorce him.
54. When my two sisters criticize my brother for not coming over to "help Mom" after Dad died I have to strain not to roll my eyes in front of them. I wouldn't come over either if she tried to get my wife to divorce me.
55. My dad never showed any reaction toward my wife until the day my mom said something that my wife thought was really dumb. So my wife just flat out said, "That's dumb" and proceeded to explain why. My mom was flabbergasted and didn't know how to react. My dad just quietly smiled and was very, very nice to my wife from then on. My wife said that she noticed he suddenly liked her a lot more after that.
56. Back during my senior year of high school my brother took my car. My dad was involved and it's a long story, but suffice it to say that my brother knew how to lie to my dad to get whatever he wanted, especially if it involved stealing it from me. Anyway, I got another car, a green 1971 Monte Carlo. I still have that car.
57. I'll never make it to 100 things.
58. Seriously, even cheating like this, I still won't make it.
59. I've noticed that the blog seems to be declining. After I noticed it I read an article about it. Then I noticed that some blogs have more readers than ever, while others just seem to have been abandoned even though the writer is still writing.
60. I get on MySpace, but I don't like it as much as the blog.
61. On MySpace, some new friend will talk to me a whole bunch for a few days and then it seems like they almost never speak to me again after that.
62. For some reason I suddenly received a huge flood of friend requests on MySpace, almost all from bands and people I don't want to add as friends and who are probably never going to talk to me anyway.
63. Sometimes on MySpace, when I'm feeling really lazy, I'll accept a friend request just because she's hot. But never when she's 14 and looks to actually BE 14. And I always check very closely when a guy sends a request containing a photo of him without a shirt. Apparently some people are under the impression that I'm gay.
64. I'm not gay.
65. My cousin was a huge Stevie Ray Vaughan fan. He was the cameraman for the final Austin City Limits show that Stevie did. Stevie Ray died shortly after that.
66. My oldest sister, who is a good bit older than me, saw Elvis in concert during his final tour back in 1974. She was just a kid, but she knew it wasn't very often that you got to see Elvis and she had a chance to go, so she went. Elvis died shortly after that.
67. Apparently my family is killing all the great entertainers simply by going to their concerts.
68. Some of my friends have decided to become gay, some have decided to be bi, some have decided to be poly, some simply are gay, and some are frequently accused of being gay even though they aren't.
69. I sometimes read about how prostitutes, and adulterers, and other social outcasts were so excited to see Jesus even though he never denied to them that what they were doing was a sin simply because, despite his honesty, they could tell that he loved them anyway and genuinely cared about them. Even though I can be a two-faced bastard sometimes, I still think that this is much better than simply smiling in someone's face and lying about what you think simply because it's easier for you. I also think it's revealling that the only people Jesus ever did curse were the false religious leaders who used their positions of trust for political and financial gain, all the while not believing in any of God's laws, and who eventually killed Jesus because he both knew and spoke the truth, even to them. I think truly evil people, the most dangerous and evil of all people, are those who absolutely cannot and will not tolerate the truth, not those who merely commit sins. We all sin.
70. I think it just may be possible for a person to have too much sex, but I want to test this theory first, preferably with the help of Carmen Electra.
71. I'm fully aware of the odd inconsistencies of my last few statements, but even so I would still like to have sex with Carmen Electra, even if it's a sin. I told you I was honest.
72. After inheriting an ungodly amount of books from my dad I've gone through and looked over them just to see what they're all about. In doing so, I've noticed that my dad has the annoying habit of underlining in his books and even writing little commentaries out in the margins, almost like his own personal book blog. As annoying as this is, what is really odd about it is specifically WHAT he underlined. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot figure out what the hell was so important about the parts that he underlined. It'll be something like this: "The blue car drove up the hill and around the bend where it stopped at Schwab to deposit some money." OK, what?!
73. If any of you are interested in reading books about absolutely anything and everything which just happen to have a lot of underlining, hand-written notes, and the occasional highly un-PC slur written in the margins, please let me know. I have plenty that you can have and I will be glad to get rid of them.
74. My dad had a rubber stamp he made that said "BLACK POWER" and he would use it on books that he thought were liberal political propaganda, and then he'd donate the books to the library after he'd read them. He thought that was hilarious.
75. My nose won't quit running. You know how it is when your nose has run so much that the Kleenex has rubbed all the skin off and now it hurts? Yeah, I'm way past that.
76. My cat snores when he sleeps. He seems to have more sinus problems than I do.
77. My middle sister probably has the closest personality to mine of anyone else in my family other than my cousin, who is the daughter of my mom's identical twin sister.
78. My oldest sister has my dad's personality, which would mortify her if we were to tell her that. But it's totally true.
79. It's difficult to tell what my brother's actual personality is because between the severe abuse he received from my mom, the odd encouragement from my dad to be less than honest, and the drugs, my brother has become someone unrecognizable to me.
80. I probably blow my nose 20 times or more every single day.
81. I think farts are funny. I don't care who did it, it's still funny.
82. My mom does something that my wife calls "piddlefarting." Piddlefarting is when my mom is walking up the stairs and lets a little fart on each step, so it goes like this "poot poot poot poot poot poooooooot." This causes my wife to fall down laughing every single time, even as my mom tries hard to pretend it wasn't her.
83. The funniest farting experience of all time was when my future wife and I were downstairs and my mom was upstairs taking a bath. We could hear her splashing around in the tub. Then suddenly we heard "PPPPPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!" The tub just amplified it like mad and made it 100 times louder. It vibrated the whole downstairs.
84. My dad used to ride a Harley, back before riding old Harleys was cool. He had a 1951 model and it was the loudest damn Harley I have ever heard to this very day. He liked riding it so much that at 5 a.m. every Saturday and Sunday morning you would be awakened to the sound of this 6'3" tall weightlifter out in his driveway jumping up and down on the kickstarter for a good half hour before that old bike would start up. When it did start it shook the entire house. In fact, it shook every house on our street, which made our family immensely popular with all our neighbors, as you might imagine.
85. No motorcycles had electric starters until Ann Margret's future husband found out that she had a habit of riding her old Triump motorcycle everywhere she went, including out into the California desert, and sometimes she couldn't get the damned thing started to come back again. So he hired a hotrod mechanic to specially fit her motorcycle with a starter from a car so she would never be stranded. If you've ever tried to kick start one of those old antique motorcycles then you'd understand. They were HARD to start. The fact that someone Ann Margret's size ever got her bike started in the first place is a testament to just how fiesty and stubborn she must be. And I just now realized that this little trivia tidbit has nothing to do with 100 things about me, but it's too late. I've already written it.
86. I read Ann Margret's autobiography. It was cool.
87. I read Ginger Roger's autobiography. It was cool, too.
88. I read Cybill Sherpherd's autobiography. I even got her to personally autograph it at the bookstore where I bought it here in Memphis. She was entertaining in person, the sort of personality that can play an entire room filled with people, but from reading her book I get the impression that she is a bitter alcoholic whore who has no friends at all. I could be wrong. That's just the impression that I get.
89. My hand is cramping as I type this.
90. I'm never going to make it to 100 things about me. Even after padding it with Ann Margret and Cybil Shepherd stories.
91. At my last job this black guy I worked with just decided that because of my views and beliefs and because I'm a white male, I MUST be a Republican and I MUST be a huge fan of George Bush. It didn't seem to matter what I said about the Republican Party, especially their most recent behind-the-scenes leaders, or the fact that I never said much of anything about GW Bush at all. This guy had just made up his mind and nothing was going to change it. He had a strange idea of who the Republicans are, which came mostly from listening to Democrats and Oprah Winfrey, and so he had no idea what the Republican Party is really all about right now. He couldn't conceive of a person who could believe in the Bill of Rights and the Constitution and not like either the Democrats or the Republicans. So, just to help clear the air here, if you are stepping on my rights or if you make some excuse why you are violating something from the Bill of Rights or the Constitution, I don't care who you are or what party you are in, I don't like it and I don't like you and I want that right back as soon as possible - preferably right now.
92. I've had 2 different mechanics work on my clutch in my truck and it's STILL fucked up.
93. I'm neurotic about making sure the doors are locked at night. I'll check them 3 times sometimes, which is odd considering that I am fully aware of the Supreme Court giving local police departments full use of the no-knock warrants which they now use every single time they go to a house and the fact that they just assign the psychotic SWAT teams to bust down the front door and kill whomever is inside. Still, barring a visit from the local SWAT team, I don't want a home invasion from some gang of punks in my house, so I check the locks. There have been a LOT of home invasions (not just by SWAT abusing no-knock warrants) in the Memphis area.
94. My head is spinning, my nose is running, I feel like crap, and there is no way I'm ever gonna make it to 100 things.
95. I am getting killed in Fantasy Football and I'm not enjoying it anymore.
96. I just ordered new stamps for my wife. She wanted cartoon animals, including Curious George. But just to add some fun I got one sheet of Harleys and one sheet of DC comic book heroes. Whee, aren't we wild?
97. I think OJ Simpson was not only guilty as hell, but easily provably guilty. But the DA is a politician, as all DAs are, and so he assigned his least experienced and least competent attorneys to handle the case because he didn't want another L.A. riot on his hands from the black population and he didn't care if he had to let a murderer go free in order to keep things calm and get his own ass re-elected. Throwing cases for political reasons is nothing new and it sure as hell isn't new to L.A.
98. My wife just got home. I told you I wouldn't make it to 100.
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