What the hell is happening to me?! I was just in the bathroom and I noticed that I have begun to develop into a hairy ape. My wife, thank God for this, has always liked the fact that I am for the most part hair-free except for my head. But now things are changing.
When I step out of the shower and go to take a pee I find myself looking down at a giant mass of fur, a PTP the size of Australia. I have hair going down from my chest all the way to Peepeeville, uninterrupted!
What is the purpose of this hair? How could it possibly be in any way, shape or form useful? The only hair I need is on my large, bulbous head. And I have plenty of that.
Do you remember back when you were 18 and your hair was just enormous? What was the deal with that?! Do you ever look back on old high school photos and say "holy shit, look at my gigantic hair!" I know I do. Me and all my friends had huge, thick, healthy hair. But slowly, for some unknown reason, that hair begins to shrink. And to move to other parts of the body.
Apparently my hair is moving to my abdomen, creating a PTP that no one without a machete can penetrate.
Why doesn't baldness hit the body first? Or better yet, the ears and nose? Why does anyone even have bushy hair in their ears and nose? Do you suppose this could be proof that God has a wicked sense of humor? I think he's just up there laughing his ass off at us as we muddle our way through life, first as confused teenagers with gigantic heads of hair, and later as bushy, hairy, shrinking elderly folks, lying in our floors all alone and shouting, "Help, I've fallen, and I can't get up!"
*PTP - Path To Paradise - the patch of hair going from your chest down your abdomen to your genitals (thanks to Claudia King Styles for teaching me this important term back in high school.)
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