Pippy back when she preferred to be called "Axle"
I just stole this from KaliBlue for no apparent reason. It's really hot today so maybe it's got my mind in a daze. Anyway, that's what I'll tell the blog police if they try to bust me for stealing.
1. How old do you wish you were?
17 - Even though I was in an emotional hell at the time, I do remember sitting and listening to Foreigner singing "Seventeen" and being very much aware that it was a great age to be.
2. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
I was at work at AutoSuck in downtown Memphis. I heard something about an airliner hitting one of the World Trade buildings and I thought that sounded suspicious, as I had been in New York and inside Tower Two and I knew that jet airliners did not fly low enough to hit one of those buildings by accident. So I went upstairs to the lunchroom where they had a TV set tuned to the news. Half the company was in there watching when the second plane hit. People started screaming. At that point I knew for sure it was intentional. I also knew that My Wife's Uncle was in Tower Two on the 72nd floor and I wondered if he was alive.
3. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
I used to steal the item I wanted, just to keep it fair. But these days I just let it go. I guess that shows how old and lazy I have become, doesn't it? But I prefer to say I'm older and wiser. It just sounds better. No one believes it, but I say it just the same.
4. Do you consider yourself kind?
Kind of mean. No, kidding. I'm a smart-ass, kind of a smart-ass.
5. If you had to get a tattoo, where and what would it be?
I would get the phrase "I'll do you right now" tattooed down the length of my Johnson. When I wasn't in the mood it'd just say "I'll do"
6. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
I studied French and then German so it might be nice if I could make use of at least one of those languages for something other than cussing people out.
7. Do you know your neighbors?
Some of them, but not that many. They keep moving away.
8. What do you consider a vacation?
Leaving and going to a place that I want to be, and only taking along people that I want to be with. That usually means just me and My Wife. No In-laws!
9. Do you follow your horoscope?
No, it follows me. I'm like the Sun and everything revolves around me. Every time I fart your destiny is permanently altered. Does anyone remember back when I was posting customized horoscopes for other bloggers? Yeah, that was all gas.
10. Would you move for the person you loved?
I would move for most anything at all. I don't like where I live all that much. Did I mention how all my neighbors keep moving away? Yeah, we'd like to go, too.
11. Are you touchy feely?
If you let me I will.
12. Do you believe that opposites attract?
Yes, and then they kill each other.
13. Dream job?
Independently wealthy nude supermodel photographer.
14. Favorite channels?
SpikeTV (Powerblock), History, Biography, USA, ... um .... I know there are others, dammit.
15. Favorite place to go on a weekend?
Playboy mansion.
16. Showers or bath?
I almost always take a shower, but every now and then I'll get into the tub with My Wife and we'll sit there until we turn into prunes.
17. Do you paint your nails?
You got me! I'm secretly Boy George posing as a heterosexual redneck just to throw people off.
18. Do you trust people easily?
I used to, but not so much anymore. Robbie at FedUp helped to cure me of trusting sociopaths and other malignant diseases in ugly pants. Thank you for that, Robbie. Every time I light a fire in the fireplace I think of you and where you're going when you die.
19. What are your phobias?
I am economycarophobic. I have seen too many wrecks where the bodies were still in the cars and had to be cut out with the Jaws of Life and then peeled out of their seat to ever feel comfortable in a small car. Which reminds me, I need to get cracking on finding myself a new truck.
20. Do you want kids?
If you lived anywhere on my block you wouldn't even have to ask. Oh, the screaming we have done over this. Yes, I want kids - soon.
21. Do you keep a handwritten journal?
The only thing I write by hand anymore is my checkbook. Everything else is on the computer.
22. Where would you rather be right now?
On a beach in Australia looking up at the stars.
23. What makes you feel warm and safe?
My Smith and Wesson .357 revolver loaded with Glaser slugs. Mmm, cuddly like a Pooh bear!
24. Heavy or light sleep?
Lately I've been sleeping so heavy that I wake up with a sore neck. Or maybe that's just stressed sleep?
25. Are you paranoid?
NOPE! Sorry, that's an old Don Knotts joke. Yes, after living with my neighbor trying to kill me through the destruction of my cars I am paranoid. Yes, I am.
26. Are you impatient?
Man, this is a long meme! Yes, sometimes I am impatient. In fact, the more of these damned Microsoft patches that I upload to my PC the more impatient I become. I swear, all their patches do is slow the computer down. They aren't really fixing anything. They're just trying to push you into buying the next version of Windows because the one you currently have has gotten SO SLOOOOOOW.
27. Who can you relate to?
I can relate to you. That's why I read your blogs and tell you meaningless drivel about my own life every single day.
28. How do you feel about interracial or same sex couples?
I think the two are dramatically different, just in case you were unaware when you wrote this. When I was in college I was dating a hot girl named Denise. Denise was Korean. One afternoon at the student center a conversation got started about interracial dating. This black guy had been trying to get a date with a white girl I knew and she didn't want to date him. So everyone started talking about how and why they didn't like interracial dating. I was sitting right there and they all knew I was dating Denise. They all knew she was Korean. But no one thought of it as interracial dating. No one ever does unless it's a black person and a white person. They looked at me funny when I was the only person in the room who didn't have a problem with it. And yet never once did any of them make the connection between me being white and Denise being Oriental and my not having a problem with interracial dating. And in case you're curious, here in Memphis I've found that the biggest racists about interracial dating are black guys. A friend of mine, as white as the driven snow and descended from Vikings, married a black girl. They visited me in Memphis one year. She said when they went downtown the only people who gave them a hard time were the black guys. It made her REALLY mad, too.
29. Have you been burned by love?
Yeah, Tiffany burned me to the ground. But it wasn't being "burned" like a betrayal so much as just an abandonment. Nothing has ever hurt me as much as it did when she walked out the door for the last time. Nothing.
30. What's your life motto?
No good deed goes unpunished. The guilty are never convicted. Cheaters usually win. But even so, I will not cross over to that side.
31. What's your main ringtone on your mobile?
Generic Nokia, by Thomas Dolby
32. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Throwing pillows at my wife while she giggled and tried to hide under the covers.
33. Who was your last text message from?
I haven't had a text message in so long I can't even remember. Binsk, Stephanie, Kevin, JY, Laura, Jenn, where are you guys?!
34. Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
Carmen Electra's. After pelting My Wife into unconciousness with pillows I hopped on a private jet to L.A. and had wild sex with Carmen. Then I slept for about 2 hours and flew home again. Yeah, I swear. Do you believe me?
35. What color shirt are you wearing?
I'm not wearing a shirt. It's so hot today that I'm sitting here behind my desk at work totally naked.
36. Most recent movie you watched?
At home or in the theater? At home we watched "Second Hand Lions". The last thing we saw in the theater was "Cars".
37. Name five things you have on you at all times.
Skin, hair, dirt, little bits of toilet paper that got wound up in the butthairs and will probably ride around with me for several days, and my scars.
38. What color are your bed sheets?
Mostly white, with some brown patches from those hot Memphis nights and me sweating. Hey, it ain't pretty, but you asked, so I told you. Never let it be said that I'm not damned honest!
39. How much cash do you have on you right now?
Why? Are you planning to rob me? 'Cause I know I mentioned that Smith and Wesson and I sure as hell know how to use it, baby! Wait, that reminds me, I need to go pay my $10 for the 5K race later this month. Crap, I forgot to do that today!
40. What is your favorite part of the chicken?
The part that you eat.
41. What is your favorite town/city?
Um, how about I just be a total kiss-ass and say Adelaide, Australia? Austin is good, too. Haven't ever been to Adelaide and I haven't been to Austin in at least 20 years. All I can say for sure is that it isn't Memphis.
42. What did you have for dinner last night?
Now this is the part where I know you're just totally out of ideas 'cause there is no way in hell that you really care what I had for dinner last night. No way in hell.
43. How tall are you barefoot?
I'm either 5'11" or 6' depending on which foot I stand on the most. Yeah, that was a bitch of a problem when I ran track. If only they ran clockwise instead, dammit!
44. Have you ever smoked crack?
No, but I did once blow up a caffeine free diet Pepsi in a fireplace at 2 a.m. while in college. Is that interesting enough for you? It was one HELL of an explosion!
45. Do you own a gun?
Why no, I've never owned or fired a gun in my entire life, Mrs. Clinton. I swear it. Could you please turn around for a second? There's something I need to do and I'd rather you not see it coming, OK? Just ignore the clicking sound you hear.
46. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
The sweet nectar of life! Yeah, how's that for a gay answer? I drink orange juice in the morning. Hardly as exciting or poetic-sounding, though, is it?
47. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
My fabulous ass. Apparently it emits pheromones along with the usual gas. I just wish I could patent this.
48. Do you have A.D.D?
I would think that I do if it weren't for the fact that I can spend hours writing something totally trivial and unimportant such as my blog, and yet I struggle so much to concentrate on my actual work, which pays me. What's the deal with that, anyway?!
49. What time did you wake up today?
1:45 a.m., 3:40 a.m., 5:30 a.m., 6:45 a.m. and finally 7 a.m. And somehow in the midst of all of this non-sleep I managed to have a weird dream about driving to My Mom's house in my 1971 Monte Carlo and meeting up with my whole family there in the garage. And everyone else was driving all '50s and '60s cars which were parked all along the driveway and in the yard. Only I got to park my fabulous car in the garage. What the hell do you suppose THAT dream meant? I have no clue.
50. What is your favorite candy?
Well, I don't actually remember Candy's last name. Sorry about that.
51. Current worry?
I need to pee and I'm just so hot and tired and lazy that I don't want to get up and go do it.
52. Current hate?
That Julia Roberts is still making movies. Why hasn't anyone shot her yet?
53. Favorite place to be?
Beach, beach, and ... wait for it ..... beach.
54. Where would you like to travel?
Australia, Ireland, Germany, Mars.
55. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
Back in Alabama, although honestly there is just no telling.
56. Last thing you ate?
A donut we bought while driving through Georgia on our way home from Florida 2 weeks ago. Yeah, and it was still good, too!
57. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Rubber duckie, you're the one! You make bathtime, so much fun!
58. Last person that made you laugh?
Whomever it was that took the photo of the two cats wrestling that I found while Googling for "cat tongue"
59. Worst injury you ever had?
Bent my knee backwards while racing a guy for the goal and blocking his shot with my foot in mid-sprint. I screamed pretty loud with my separated shoulder, but the knee was by far the most painful of all. And the surgery and rehab just added to the pain. And then, of course, there is the pain of My Wife nagging me about how "inconsiderate" it was of me to get hurt and need surgery while she was taking finals. Seriously.
60. Does someone have a crush on you?
How would I even know? Anyone reading this have a crush on me? Please tell me. Maybe I should do a poll or something.
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