You know what must suck? It must suck to be a fat teenaged girl. Let me tell you why I think this. Imagine being a teenage girl, all loaded up on hormones and dripping for some good hard slamming sex, and when you go and try to find some clothes to dress up all sexy in so you can go cruising for boys, the only thing you can find are those tight, tiny things they make for the Britney Spears lookalikes. When fat girls put these on they look like the Pillsbury Doughboy wearing a thong. It's just nasty. You've got to feel sorry for them. I mean, once you've stopped laughing.
But you know what really sucks? Being a hormone-charged teenaged boy. Yeah, walking around with a pole in your pants is rough. I know this one from experience. You know who my lab partner was in the 9th grade? I'll tell you, even though I've already said this about a thousand times now. It was Miss Alabama. She wasn't Miss Alabama yet, but she was well on her way. Biology was the only class where you didn't have your own desk. You had a table for two. So for 9 months I sat right next to and up against the future Miss Alabama, who liked to wear low-cut tops and was as horny as a porn star. I had a flag pole in my pants every single day for that hour long class. Yeah, and she she knew it, too. She reached over and grabbed the whole package one time. I almost fainted. I mean, right after I climaxed.
Have you ever been inside a bookstore, where it's all quiet and serene, with some mellow jazz CD playing softly over the sound system, and all of a sudden someone in the aisle next to you just lets out a huge, blaring fart? Yeah? Sorry about that.
Did you ever wonder why basball players are constantly messing with their nuts? Well I'll tell you then. If you had testicles and you had ever tried to wear an athletic cup over them you'd quickly find that those cups don't quite fit right. Whenever you try to make a move, such as, oh I don't know, say running to first base, that cup doesn't exactly move with you. Your nuts, made by God only slightly more durable than a soap bubble for some odd reason, can slip out of the cup and wind up being crushed under the edge of it or pinched off like an artery with a surgical clamp. How's that for fun? Yeah, that's why baseball players make so much money. They earn it just for having to wear those damned cups.
As bad as my life already is, I'm thinking of buying a motorcycle to ride to work. At least one of my coworkers has been hurt on one, and a former employee here was killed in a head-on collision while riding one. So I'm not quite sure why I want one. Maybe it's because I have to cross the railroad tracks every morning and I keep wondering just how much air I could catch if I were on a motorcycle and no one else was around when I hit the throttle and flew over them at about 60 mph? This is one of the primary differences between the sexes. Women see these railroad tracks and think, "I should slow down so I don't spill my diet Pepsi." Men see them and think, "if I had a motorcycle and was going about 60 mph I bet I could jump the car in front of me."
There's a news story stating that a First Baptist Church in New York has fired a female Sunday school teacher because the Bible prohibits women from leading over men in spiritual matters inside the church. Apparently the members of the church only just now discovered this. I've never been to a church that hires Sunday school teachers. I've never even heard of such a thing. All Sunday school teachers I've ever had were strictly volunteers. How do you get "fired" from a volunteer position for which you were never hired in the first place? And why are people going to a church that hasn't read the Bible for all those years? Is it just for the social interaction? Maybe it's the free donuts? Just thinking about this makes me hungry.
Just because your neighbor's house is for sale and they've moved out doesn't mean you can park your damned pickup truck in their driveway any time you want to. Or at least, that's what I used to think.
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