I'm in a bit of a funk these days. Instead of going running I went out to eat with an old friend. I didn't know what to order so I just got what he got. Yeah, lemming much? Sometimes I'm weak like that. Don't hate. Well, it was solid cheese and steak and about a zillion calories. I ate about three quarters of it and had to stop. It's been several hours and I still feel like a small German automobile is parked in my protuding belly. I'm trying to lose the belly, not add to it. My friend's dinner choice didn't help at all. And the worst part is, he didn't even eat his. He ate the salad that came with it and then brought it home in a box for later. Bastard! So that's how he keeps that high school physique, dammit.
There's a big election coming up soon here in the Divided States of America. I should care. I should get upset or excited or something. I'm trying, really I am. It's just that I feel so betrayed by all concerned. I feel like Toto pulling back the curtain on the real Wizard of Oz as he cranks away at his illusion machine. The truth is, if Obama and McCain both died of Chinese food poisoning while eating at a McDonald's in the Chicago ghetto I wouldn't care.
I think a race between Biden and Palin would be more fun anyway. It'd be old loser vs young inexepienced unknown, with everyone voting for the woman just because she's a woman. Wait, we have that already, except they're voting for the black guy just because he's a black guy. Oh damn, is there nothing new under the sun?
They're telling me the Republicans may lose more seats in Congress. I'm supposed to get excited. They're telling me the Republicans may gain more seats in Congress. I'm supposed to get excited again. I don't care. I just want them all to shut the hell up. There are no leaders in our nation's capital today. There are only country club assholes and bitches pretending to give a shit about The People and our nation's future. And I am increasingly finding myself detached and disinterested in their posturing and bullshit. They don't want my vote, they've made that clear enough. American corporations don't want my business. They've made that clear, too. I'm the wrong sex and the wrong race. Employers want me to do the work of everyone they've hired based on race and sex in addition to my own, yet I'm the first one they let go when the times get rough because the Government says I don't matter. CBS says I must be a serial killer by virtue of being a white male. I'm thinking Australia is looking prettier every day.
So, in the spirit of the first day of "I don't caring about the upcoming election at all", I give you a survey that I hope to God I haven't published before and somehow forgotten ...
[1] What's your name spelled backwards?
eaT mE
[2] Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
Yes, but sometimes that happens when you're sparring and you both throw a sidekick at the same time. Damn cups don't do shit.
[3] What are you listening to right now?
Heath Ledger's ghost whispering to me in the dark
[4] Last thing you ate?
Mexican lasagna and Mexican waitress
[5] Did you get any compliments today?
Yes, I was told that I cry over hot Australian bloggers like a real modern man. And then I was told that my Mexican lasagna gave me a spicy tongue.
[6] Have you ever gone to court?
Yes, and I scored 24 points all by myself, too.
[7] What's the seventh text message in your inbox say?
Big boys don't cry. Big boys don't cry. Big boys don't cry.
[8] Are you friends with your neighbors?
Yeah, we've known each other for awhile. I wish I knew his sisters better back in high school.
[9] Favorite colors?
Red and blue arranged on a white background to form an Australian flag.
[10] What states have you lived in?
Consciousness, Unconsciousness, and Semi-consciousness
[11] What time were you born?
7 am on the dot. My cell phone alarm was going off as I entered the world in a haze of afterbirth and butt smacking. Then I got a text message that said "Welcome to AT&T!" That's when the trouble first began. I should have gone with Verizon, but there were so few choices there in the uterus back then.
[12] Coach purse or NFL tickets?
What the hell is a coach purse? Gimme the tickets!
[13] Preppy or Punk in a boy?
I was a prep at first, but then I went all heavy metal angry jerk for awhile. And I prefer girls, thank you.
[14] When was the last time you drove more than 15 minutes?
This afternoon, coming home from stalking. I mean, from work.
[15] Have you ever thrown up from drinking?
Not that I can remember, and that's all I'm saying.
[16] Do you have unlimited texting?
No, I have expensive texting
[17] Does it annoy you when people type like they're ghetto?
Yo, wuzzup wit dat? Yea it dew.
[18] Is your hair long?
No, I got a Brazilian last weekend.
[19] Do you have acrylic nails on right now?
No, just my own normal nails like any straight white boy would
[20] Have you ever had a crush on your siblings friend?
I can't recall ever crushing on any of my sister's friends. As for my brother, all his friends were loser guys.
[21] Have you ever gone to the beach?
As often as I can.
[22] Do you remember your music teacher's name from elementary?
No, I just remember that he was fat and gay
[23] How old are your parents?
Dead and older than dirt
[24] How good is your eyesight?
Excellent, but at the moment something is blinding me and making my eyes all red and bloodshot. Maybe it's all this porn I'm downloading?
[25] Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
Not especially, but I suppose if a hot girl was somehow involved I could be persuaded to do almost anything.
[26] What would you say if I told you I liked your brother?
Yeah, I'd be dropping you from my friends list like a hooker with gonorrhea
[27] What’s the longest amount of time you've been on an airplane?
Do you count the time I spent loading all the drugs, or just the time I was hiding in the cargo area during the actual flight?
[28] Have you ever been out of your country?
Yes, but they made me come back, dammit
[29] Are you wanting to redo your bedroom?
Yeah, I want to redo it with Playboy playmates
[30] What's the best wedding you've been to?
Lauren's at Berry College. But I can't tell you why or you'll think I'm a pervert. Of course, if you've been reading this blog for any length of time then you already know.
[31] Would your parents be mad if you got arrested for fighting?
No, but they didn't come bail me out either. I mean, hypothetically IF I were to have ever been arrested for fighting, of course. Shut the fuck up.
[32] Ever been in love?
Yes, but she's gonna marry that guy from Melbourne anyway, dammit.
[33] Do you have a Honda, Toyota or Nissan?
Nissan pickup and no, you can't borrow it.
[34] Did you give anyone a dirty look today?
Dirty finger
[35] Who was the last person to call you baby?
I think it was Cher. No wait, she said 'babe'. She said "I got you, babe." My bad.
[36] What time did you wake up this morning?
7 am and I felt like hell.
[37] What are you doing this weekend?
Raping and pillaging, like always
[38] Are you dating anyone right now?
Yes, but don't tell my wife. She might not let me go and Mr. Hefner said the girls are really excited that I'm coming.
[40] Has someone smacked your butt in the past week?
Yes, but I had to pay her.
[41] What’s your favorite Disney movie?
Nothing they've made in a long time, unless you credit them for Pixar and Dreamworks' stuff, which I don't.
[42] What is in your back pocket?
My ass is all
[43] Do you wear colored contacts?
No, I have perfect stalker vision
[44] What were you doing at 4am this morning?
Peeking in girls' windows and pulling stickers out of my ass just prior to getting arrested for fighting.
[45] Who was the last person you went to the movies with?
Tony, a few weeks ago. Poor Heath. Australia just keeps losing its' biggest stars, eh? Damn shame.
[46] Do you like where you are right now?
No, but if you'll shift just a hair to the left .... ah, that's it. Now I do.
[47] What would you change about your life?
All my choices from 9th grade onward.
[48] What are you excited for?
Sex, usually
[49] Do you miss someone?
Yes, I miss myself. I don't know where I've gone to. And Steph Shaw. I miss Steph. And does anybody here remember Vera Lynn? Remember how she said that we would meet again some sunny day?
[50] Are you high-maintenance?
No, I'm high-mileage
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